giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 1, 2017 10:33:54 GMT -5
For those saying they can't imagine ever remarrying (myself included), my Grandmother remarried at age 80 and that marriage lasted longer than both of mine combined! She passed away just a week after he did. I think that's awesome. I'm one and done when it comes to long term relationships. At this point, I'm also unwilling to give up time to just focus on me/my interests. As it is, I'm going to have to wait until I'm 60. I'm afraid if I wait too much more than that..well, it won't be good.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 1, 2017 10:47:25 GMT -5
I love DH but I don't love marriage. I have spent most of my life as a wife and now a mother. If something were to happen to DH I am quite content to drop the "wife" title. I don't have any desire to start over again with a different person.
Doesn't mean I wouldn't date and it's possible i could find someone I stayed with for a year or more. I just don't have any desire to go thru marriage.
Besides depending on when DH went I don't want to end up as a "nurse with a purse". I could see myself having an ISO like Crone does though.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Dec 1, 2017 11:01:24 GMT -5
For those saying they can't imagine ever remarrying (myself included), my Grandmother remarried at age 80 and that marriage lasted longer than both of mine combined! She passed away just a week after he did. I think that's awesome. I'm one and done when it comes to long term relationships. At this point, I'm also unwilling to give up time to just focus on me/my interests. As it is, I'm going to have to wait until I'm 60. I'm afraid if I wait too much more than that..well, it won't be good. Usually with older people it is usually better financially if they don't marry, because when you remarry you lose being able to collect on former spouse social security. Also if one has more assets, or issues if one goes to nursing home, etc. But good for you grandmother!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 11:15:30 GMT -5
I think that's awesome. I'm one and done when it comes to long term relationships. At this point, I'm also unwilling to give up time to just focus on me/my interests. As it is, I'm going to have to wait until I'm 60. I'm afraid if I wait too much more than that..well, it won't be good. Usually with older people it is usually better financially if they don't marry, because when you remarry you lose being able to collect on former spouse social security. Also if one has more assets, or issues if one goes to nursing home, etc. But good for you grandmother! She just wanted to cohabitate, but he thought that was "improper". I never thought about the SS, but I'm not sure whose would have been more because they were farmers. Who gets the SS then? Is it assumed you both are making the money? It didn't really matter because the man she married had a lot of money. They never went in the nursing home and died at 98 and 93. Well...she was in one from a few days after his funeral until her death, but not long. All his money was left to his kids in the prenup, which was fine. My Grandmother was married three times total. First husband died in a furnace explosion in their house. She was just 19 and a widow with 3 kids! Then she married my Grandfather and they were married for 55 years and he died at 80 of a heart attack. After several years of being alone, she met #3 online! I remember her fighting over him with some other old woman. LOL Third wedding was the full church deal with reception. It was pretty awesome. They went to Europe for their honeymoon and traveled a lot for the first 6 or 7 years or so, then they started to slow down. She always said she would never survive burying another husband, and she was right.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 1, 2017 11:24:29 GMT -5
I think that's awesome. I'm one and done when it comes to long term relationships. At this point, I'm also unwilling to give up time to just focus on me/my interests. As it is, I'm going to have to wait until I'm 60. I'm afraid if I wait too much more than that..well, it won't be good. Usually with older people it is usually better financially if they don't marry, because when you remarry you lose being able to collect on former spouse social security. Also if one has more assets, or issues if one goes to nursing home, etc. But good for you grandmother! Doesn't have to be with older people. My aunt moved in with a man less than a year after her first husband died in his early 50s.. She remained unmarried for another decade or so..for financial reasons..as a widow, she received portions of pensions and what not. But, she and my uncle were married very quickly after they graduated HS. My aunt has only known being in a relationship with someone...and I think it really bothered her that she wasn't in a couple.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 11:26:17 GMT -5
I love DH but I don't love marriage. I have spent most of my life as a wife and now a mother. If something were to happen to DH I am quite content to drop the "wife" title. I don't have any desire to start over again with a different person. Doesn't mean I wouldn't date and it's possible i could find someone I stayed with for a year or more. I just don't have any desire to go thru marriage. Besides depending on when DH went I don't want to end up as a "nurse with a purse". I could see myself having an ISO like Crone does though. Same here. I had a wonderful marriage but am not in a mad rush to find another long-term relationship since DH's death a year ago. I love my freedom. I love being able to travel more because (surprise!) airfare for one is half the cost of airfare for two. I no longer have to consider the scary financial contingency of DH lingering for years in a nursing home with Alzheimer's (his mother showed signs of it before a stroke killed her). It could happen to me, yes, but I have the resources for necessary care for one person. I have an Aunt whose husband is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's and she's footing the bill (from money she inherited from her family) till she's spent down to the point that Medicaid pays for it. She lies awake at night worrying about it- Medicaid generally lets the healthy spouse keep about $120K in assets and $30K/year in income. That's not a lot. And I'm getting picky. He has to be smart, curious, financially solvent, no major emotional baggage, so substance abuse issues, still interested in a physical relationship, etc. Good thing I'm OK being alone! Usually with older people it is usually better financially if they don't marry, because when you remarry you lose being able to collect on former spouse social security. I think they changed that if you're over 60 (?) when you remarry. They wanted to protect the virtue of the grannies who were merely cohabitating because remarrying would mean trading the Survivor Benefit (100% of the late husband's SS) for a Spousal Benefit (50% of new husband's SS, so generally lower).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 11:54:34 GMT -5
When my ex and I got together in 09 she had a house that was 70k underwater and retirement accounts valued at 70k so she had I guess had debt but was essentially “even”. We both were essentially at zero at that point due to negative home equity.
Our divorce is final Wednesday and over the last 8 years we saved to a point where we are both walking away with a 600k net worth each, recoveries do happen. And to the inevitable question of why, 7 years of battling infertility eroded an otherwise wonderful partnership.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 1, 2017 12:01:15 GMT -5
Hubs was a financial mess when we met. I took a chance on him because at 25 you don't really think long-term about dude with debt. Plus, he's a really awesome person. He was in default on his student loans and it was my requirement that he get in good standing before we married, which he did. Sure, those loans should have been paid off years ago, but i guess at least it's nice that his interest rate is under 3%! We only have a joint account for bill paying, we each maintain our own checking accounts. So while i don't feel like i am paying his loans, i will be expecting an extra $250 savings contribution each month when he does pay them off! 😁
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 1, 2017 12:01:18 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, AJ. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/sad.png)
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Dec 1, 2017 12:01:56 GMT -5
@aj - I’m sorry about the years of infertility.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 1, 2017 12:02:25 GMT -5
I'm sorry, @aj. ☹
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 1, 2017 12:04:24 GMT -5
Sorry Aj.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 12:04:42 GMT -5
I'm sorry too aj. Divorce sucks.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 1, 2017 12:07:54 GMT -5
It seems more and more young people have a lot of student debt or other loans. If you were looking to marry now, would that be a potential issue or would just assume the debt as part of the deal? I would have to evaluate the debt and earning potential. Is the debt reasonable for the degree earned? Is that the only major debt? It would just depend on the situation.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Dec 1, 2017 12:08:06 GMT -5
Usually with older people it is usually better financially if they don't marry, because when you remarry you lose being able to collect on former spouse social security. Also if one has more assets, or issues if one goes to nursing home, etc. But good for you grandmother! She just wanted to cohabitate, but he thought that was "improper". I never thought about the SS, but I'm not sure whose would have been more because they were farmers. Who gets the SS then? Is it assumed you both are making the money? It didn't really matter because the man she married had a lot of money. They never went in the nursing home and died at 98 and 93. Well...she was in one from a few days after his funeral until her death, but not long. All his money was left to his kids in the prenup, which was fine. My Grandmother was married three times total. First husband died in a furnace explosion in their house. She was just 19 and a widow with 3 kids! Then she married my Grandfather and they were married for 55 years and he died at 80 of a heart attack. After several years of being alone, she met #3 online! I remember her fighting over him with some other old woman. LOL Third wedding was the full church deal with reception. It was pretty awesome. They went to Europe for their honeymoon and traveled a lot for the first 6 or 7 years or so, then they started to slow down. She always said she would never survive burying another husband, and she was right. Your grandmother sounds awesome! Being widowed with 3 kids at 19 is a rough start, but sounds like she did fine.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Dec 1, 2017 12:09:34 GMT -5
I love DH but I don't love marriage. I have spent most of my life as a wife and now a mother. If something were to happen to DH I am quite content to drop the "wife" title. I don't have any desire to start over again with a different person. Doesn't mean I wouldn't date and it's possible i could find someone I stayed with for a year or more. I just don't have any desire to go thru marriage. Besides depending on when DH went I don't want to end up as a "nurse with a purse". I could see myself having an ISO like Crone does though. Same here. I had a wonderful marriage but am not in a mad rush to find another long-term relationship since DH's death a year ago. I love my freedom. I love being able to travel more because (surprise!) airfare for one is half the cost of airfare for two. I no longer have to consider the scary financial contingency of DH lingering for years in a nursing home with Alzheimer's (his mother showed signs of it before a stroke killed her). It could happen to me, yes, but I have the resources for necessary care for one person. I have an Aunt whose husband is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's and she's footing the bill (from money she inherited from her family) till she's spent down to the point that Medicaid pays for it. She lies awake at night worrying about it- Medicaid generally lets the healthy spouse keep about $120K in assets and $30K/year in income. That's not a lot. And I'm getting picky. He has to be smart, curious, financially solvent, no major emotional baggage, so substance abuse issues, still interested in a physical relationship, etc. Good thing I'm OK being alone! Usually with older people it is usually better financially if they don't marry, because when you remarry you lose being able to collect on former spouse social security. I think they changed that if you're over 60 (?) when you remarry. They wanted to protect the virtue of the grannies who were merely cohabitating because remarrying would mean trading the Survivor Benefit (100% of the late husband's SS) for a Spousal Benefit (50% of new husband's SS, so generally lower). Sounds good on the remarry provision. I know a lot of older folks don't like the "living in sin"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 12:15:25 GMT -5
I'm sorry too aj. Divorce sucks. It absolutely does, but...... as far as divorces go this one was pretty easy, we simply split the taxable account and walked away. She took all the household items and I bought all new. I’ve spent the last 6 months reconnecting with old friends and going on all kinds of adventures and I’ve discovered a single guy with their shit together in their 30’s is catnip : )
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 1, 2017 12:17:00 GMT -5
I'm sorry too aj. Divorce sucks. It absolutely does, but...... as far as divorces go this one was pretty easy, we simply split the taxable account and walked away. She took all the household items and I bought all new. I’ve spent the last 6 months reconnecting with old friends and going on all kinds of adventures and I’ve discovered a single guy with their shit together in their 30’s is catnip : ) Glad to hear that it was an amicable split! If I was in the market for a guy I'd totally dig you
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 12:19:32 GMT -5
Your grandmother sounds awesome! Being widowed with 3 kids at 19 is a rough start, but sounds like she did fine. She had 6 more kids after that! She was awesome, I miss her so much, I feel like such a slouch compared to her. She actually got a business degree back in the 40's when it was pretty unusual for women to go to college. They had a very successful farming business and she kept all the books.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 12:22:46 GMT -5
I'm sorry too aj. Divorce sucks. It absolutely does, but...... as far as divorces go this one was pretty easy, we simply split the taxable account and walked away. She took all the household items and I bought all new. I’ve spent the last 6 months reconnecting with old friends and going on all kinds of adventures and I’ve discovered a single guy with their shit together in their 30’s is catnip : ) Both of mine were "easy" as far as the legalities and splitting things up. That doesn't change that no matter how easy they are, they're still painful. I'm glad you're doing well though and moving on.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Dec 1, 2017 12:24:01 GMT -5
Usually with older people it is usually better financially if they don't marry, because when you remarry you lose being able to collect on former spouse social security. I think they changed that if you're over 60 (?) when you remarry. They wanted to protect the virtue of the grannies who were merely cohabitating because remarrying would mean trading the Survivor Benefit (100% of the late husband's SS) for a Spousal Benefit (50% of new husband's SS, so generally lower). Yes, as long as you wait until after you turn 60 to remarry, you are still eligible for survivor's benefits on your ex-spouse's record, provided of course that the marriage lasted at least ten years. You can also qualify if you remarry before you turn 60 as long as that marriage ends through death or divorce. Yes, I looked into it.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 1, 2017 12:48:28 GMT -5
When my ex and I got together in 09 she had a house that was 70k underwater and retirement accounts valued at 70k so she had I guess had debt but was essentially “even”. We both were essentially at zero at that point due to negative home equity. Our divorce is final Wednesday and over the last 8 years we saved to a point where we are both walking away with a 600k net worth each, recoveries do happen. And to the inevitable question of why, 7 years of battling infertility eroded an otherwise wonderful partnership. oh no....I am so so sorry aj.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 1, 2017 12:51:08 GMT -5
I'm sorry too aj. Divorce sucks. It absolutely does, but...... as far as divorces go this one was pretty easy, we simply split the taxable account and walked away. She took all the household items and I bought all new. I’ve spent the last 6 months reconnecting with old friends and going on all kinds of adventures and I’ve discovered a single guy with their shit together in their 30’s is catnip : ) just don't be like most of the guys I dated who were in their 30's and single (thinking the P should fall from the sky because they have a job and a car). ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 12:59:56 GMT -5
It absolutely does, but...... as far as divorces go this one was pretty easy, we simply split the taxable account and walked away. She took all the household items and I bought all new. I’ve spent the last 6 months reconnecting with old friends and going on all kinds of adventures and I’ve discovered a single guy with their shit together in their 30’s is catnip : ) just don't be like most of the guys I dated who were in their 30's and single (thinking the P should fall from the sky because they have a job and a car). ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png) And the best apt in town with NFL season tix LOL, I have a no dating through 2018 policy that I’ve adhered to so far.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 1, 2017 13:24:11 GMT -5
I stopped because I need to re-focus on myself and DS and I get distracted/derailed easily. And also because of the aforementioned guys in their 30s, lol. I am not relationship material apparently.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Dec 1, 2017 15:07:54 GMT -5
I would marry a person with debt, assuming it was the "good" or "life happens" debt. Student loans for a professional degree. No problem with me! SLs for a degree in basket weaving? No way! Medical bills and CC debt due to life emergencies -I'm fine with that. But huge CC debt to finance fancy lifestyle? No way ! Like most things in life there is not a straight answer. It's very context and phase-in-life dependent. More than anything the attitude of the person in dealing with the debt is what would matter to me the most, more than the debt amount itself. Absolutely this! It's one thing if you made some mistakes and learned from them, a completely different thing if there is no accountability. There are always going to be forces beyond our control, but you still have to find a way to work with what you are given.
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dee27
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Post by dee27 on Dec 1, 2017 16:33:06 GMT -5
When my ex and I got together in 09 she had a house that was 70k underwater and retirement accounts valued at 70k so she had I guess had debt but was essentially “even”. We both were essentially at zero at that point due to negative home equity. Our divorce is final Wednesday and over the last 8 years we saved to a point where we are both walking away with a 600k net worth each, recoveries do happen. And to the inevitable question of why, 7 years of battling infertility eroded an otherwise wonderful partnership. I am so sorry, aj. DD and her husband went through infertility issues, and it was a very trying time for them.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Dec 2, 2017 0:06:29 GMT -5
When my ex and I got together in 09 she had a house that was 70k underwater and retirement accounts valued at 70k so she had I guess had debt but was essentially “even”. We both were essentially at zero at that point due to negative home equity. E Our divorce is final Wednesday and over the last 8 years we saved to a point where we are both walking away with a 600k net worth each, recoveries do happen. And to the inevitable question of why, 7 years of battling infertility eroded an otherwise wonderful partnership. Yes that can do it. Very sad but true
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Dec 2, 2017 3:23:58 GMT -5
It is no surprise to anyone on this board that my wife has a massive amount of student loans and income potential career wise is not limited because of availability but personal choice/comfort level. My wife is more about being happy/comfortable and having a stable job vs chasing promotions / career /income. We discovered this with this last job search ... she would like to make more money, just not willing to take the risk/challenges or the unknown of it all for it. She is very risk adverse, put money in savings account vs the market safe.
Also 4 years of infertility, 4 surgeries, a near miscarriage that required some surgery, a premature birth... has piled on some credit card debt and medical debt.
If we do divorce, I am basically done. I will probably date, have a friend... but as to introduce someone new to my daughter probably not. At this point it feels I am married to my job anyway and I would need to divorce that the minute we decide to divorce : I refuse to be the visitation only, every other week or 1 day a week father because my work schedule is unpredictable and I work too many hours. I will want 50/50 custody...
So no not worried about marrying debt, did it already 9 years ago. But I doubt I will again since I have had very bad experiences with step mother (have a great step dad though) and would not want that for my daughter. Yes I know they are amazing step moms out there, my mom is one to my step brother, but I cannot child my childhood and I had some pretty sucky ones and would prefer not to risk it.
My daughter is currently the #1 thing in my life that makes sense and makes all this shit worth it...
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 2, 2017 3:29:58 GMT -5
When my ex and I got together in 09 she had a house that was 70k underwater and retirement accounts valued at 70k so she had I guess had debt but was essentially “even”. We both were essentially at zero at that point due to negative home equity. Our divorce is final Wednesday and over the last 8 years we saved to a point where we are both walking away with a 600k net worth each, recoveries do happen. And to the inevitable question of why, 7 years of battling infertility eroded an otherwise wonderful partnership. Sometimes its hard to find peace and mutual closure on big issues. I wish you both well. May the future bring you what you want and what you need.
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