How did you tell your kids about divorce?

[moneymaven]

I am moving forward with my divorce. H is not wanting it at all, asking for a separation period, wanting to go back to counseling etc but I’m not interested. Totally done and need to move forward.

My biggest hang up is how to tell my older son. DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 2. Younger one won’t remember us being together so non issue. DS1 is very astute, aware and empathetic so I need to be thoughtful about how this is postured. I’m conferring with a family therapist as well, but certainly appreciate the feedback of this group.

[raeoflyte]

Hugs maven.  

[Deleted]

Consider going to a divorce counselor. My friend and her husband did and although she can’t stand him much, for their daughter the counselor helped them with those things, creating as smooth a transition as possible, helping set up patterns of post divorce communication...

[Deleted]

Even having gone through this twice, I have no advice.  First time through older son was 2.  Second time through younger son was 2.  I never said anything to either of them about it.  They just forgot in pretty short notice.  Older son was 11 and when second ex and I divorced, but by that time he had a pretty good idea what the reasons were so there wasn't much discussion there either. 

[happyhoix]

I haven't been in that situation but I know from talking to kids of a divorce that it isn't uncommon for the kids to think they caused the marriage to break up.

Kids get weird ideas like that. When DH and I were in the process of buying a house and the deal fell through because the person who owned the house we had a contract with omitted that he had 50,000 in IRS liens on his house, which prevented him from selling it, we had an unexpected move into an apartment (we had already negotiated a move out date on our old house). There was a lot of stress, and to be honest I was too busy scrambling for a place to live that would accept two cats to think about what my five year old was thinking. However, walking through a parking lot he found a quarter and gave it to me, saying he wanted me to have it. When I asked him if he thought we were moving out of our house because he thought we were poor now, he nodded. (I gave him back the quarter and tried to explain mortgages, tax liens and title searches - fun!)

So you don't know what odd ideas he might get. I agree with oped that counseling would be the best route, and hopefully give you and your DH tools to remain good parents together, even if you aren't going to remain married.

So sorry about this.

[midjd]

Does your older son have friends whose parents are divorced (and get along)? That might be a good starting point, at least to point out that his friend Joe's mom and dad live in separate houses but Joe still gets to see both of them, etc. I think most kids just want to be reassured that the things that are important to them won't change.

Do you trust your STB ex not to badmouth you or try to use the kids as pawns? My siblings and I were 6, 7, and 14 when my parents divorced and we all knew exactly what (or who) the problems were, but that didn't stop my dad from telling us at any chance he got that my mom "kicked him out," "stole his house," "brainwashed his kids against him," etc. etc. etc. And of course my mom, being the bigger person, never said a word. We all turned out fine and learned to tune him out VERY early, but best to avoid that sort of thing if at all possible (which, when you're dealing with narcissists, is easier said than done... it's been a long time since I've read your posts so I may be mixing up my back stories).

[MJ2.0]

I took out books from the local library that were geared toward this sort of thing. I also prepped DS by explaining that Mommy and Daddy won't be living in the same house anymore but we still both love you and will be here for you. He was 3 when it was finalized and I guess 2ish when we started living apart.

[MJ2.0]

My post about the books was a bit vague - the books were geared to children to help show how their new life would be. They were emotionally hard to read but I felt I needed to prepare him for what was about to happen in a way he would hopefully understand.

[empress of self-improvement]

I'm sorry moneymaven.

I was about 4 or 5 when my parents split so I'm no use there. I know it wasn't anything to do with me. My mother was an alcoholic and I remember some incidents, including an attempted suicide. I think that was the catalyst.  Basically, just tell them you love them and if you can take the older one to a counselor to talk that may help them. As you said, the younger one won't remember squat.

[toomuchreality]

((((moneymaven))))   Big hug.

[Deleted]

Getting professional advice I'm sure is helpful and what I would say is to be as honest as possible without bad mouthing each other.

Honestly good for you though, you have the strength and resolve to make a decision that certainly is a pain in the ass short term. It should be much better for you after that. How I wish my parents had divorced rather than keep us in a very unhappy household where they were always at each other's throats.