Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 4, 2017 18:18:17 GMT -5
How is it too far? I'm up for 100% transparency in age appropriate ways, so interested in what you think is too far for some.
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grumpyhermit
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Post by grumpyhermit on Oct 4, 2017 18:29:27 GMT -5
Growing up it wasn't just 1 talk, it was a normal (maybe not daily, but frequent and not weird) conversation that happened regularly up until my first actual date. I'm not as good as my mom, but we've started those conversations with both kids. This was my experience as well. I remember when we finally covered sex ed/puberty stuff in 5th grade, it was all old hat to me. My parents were never hesitant to have pretty frank discussions. I don't recall being freaked out (except maybe for an irrational, and still present, fear of toxic shock syndrome). I also don't recall any books per se, I think I was just sat down and told.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 4, 2017 18:32:15 GMT -5
Also - there is a middle ground between amazing conversations about this and complete disasters or zero information. My mom brought up different things at different ages. It was a little awkward but fine and not damaging. Honestly I don't remember much about it, which seems like a reasonable outcome, but I also never learned about things like how to deal with sexual pressure/coercion, the fact that sex should, you know, feel good, the fact that gay people existed, (never mind that I could potentially be gay, which i wasn't but she had no way of knowing that) you know, stuff like that. I'm hoping to do better.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 4, 2017 18:33:17 GMT -5
I talked to my daughter when she was 10ish. It went horribly and I don't think she got any useful information from me, except that she probably won't have big boobs. Not my best parenting moment. It went horribly for me, too. I think my daughter got the idea that the guy pees inside of you. Lol. She was also about 10. That reminds of how I botched the sex talk with DS1. He kept asking about how babies got inside mom and I didn't really think he was ready. But he persisted, so I told him in very simple words as little as possible and I thought I kept it age appropriate . He looked shocked and said "you let dad do that to you?" Me "yes" DS1 "but only once right?" me : well you have a little brother, so no - more than once" The look of disgust on his face.
After that he never wanted to talk to me about THAT subject again, so I made sure he had books that I had to dig up in the most improbable places. For instance, the British Library in Bangkok (private library) was without the book on puberty for almost half a year. He never admitted to reading it but whenever I asked for it to return it DS1 needed it a little longer, so I renewed and renewed and...
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 4, 2017 18:34:30 GMT -5
Growing up it wasn't just 1 talk, it was a normal (maybe not daily, but frequent and not weird) conversation that happened regularly up until my first actual date. I'm not as good as my mom, but we've started those conversations with both kids. Right now I'm answering her questions while she's still asking them. Kids are naturally curious, and I'm trying to take advantage of that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 18:45:19 GMT -5
Her period, though, was the most AWESOME experience in her life. Her 6th grade teacher was her grandmother's BFF. She called her when it happened, and my MIL got her and took her mega-shopping to get her mind off it. They bought the stores out. My MIL had plenty of $$$ so my daughter still talks about it, and she's 40+. I told her she had too many daughters for that to be my model if she was hinting. I love the idea of adding an element of celebration. I knew a college professor in the 1970s who said that his daughters were allowed to get their ears pierced when they had their first period. Most girls who are going to get their ears pierced have it done earlier now, but maybe there's something else you can do to acknowledge a step on the oath to adulthood (other than a non-YM shopping spree). A phone if she doesn't have one? A special piece of jewelry?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 18:49:25 GMT -5
Her period, though, was the most AWESOME experience in her life. Her 6th grade teacher was her grandmother's BFF. She called her when it happened, and my MIL got her and took her mega-shopping to get her mind off it. They bought the stores out. My MIL had plenty of $$$ so my daughter still talks about it, and she's 40+. I told her she had too many daughters for that to be my model if she was hinting. I love the idea of adding an element of celebration. I knew a college professor in the 1970s who said that his daughters were allowed to get their ears pierced when they had their first period. Most girls who are going to get their ears pierced have it done earlier now, but maybe there's something else you can do to acknowledge a step on the oath to adulthood (other than a non-YM shopping spree). A phone if she doesn't have one? A special piece of jewelry? You are right! But my two oldest granddaughters got their ears pierced at 6 and 8. If I'm available, I'll probably take them shopping. It just will be a little more low-key that MIL's trip. The oldest is 9 or 10 (I get confused because some of them stayed back a year to develop motor skills). We may be racing the clock on her since I am not retiring until May of 2019.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 4, 2017 19:37:00 GMT -5
We went to the gym in 5th grade for a movie. I still had no idea. First period happened on vacation and I freaked out. Cramps were so bad. We came home and I holed up in bed with a heating pad. Mom had not told me anything, but she never told me about sex either.Must have been our moms generation (since we are the same age) → my mom never told me anything either. I was not so much freaked out when it happened the first time, as spitting mad when she told me this was going to be a monthly thing like FOREVER. I thought a once and done was good enough Mom never told any of my sisters (4 of them) anything either, but I suspected she wouldn't so I told them the limited information I had. For the rest it was all library...
I thought the same thing. That may be why the vacation in the Dells had to end. I don't recall telling my sister anything. I do remember mom asking me if she had ever used my pads. I asked her why she wanted to know and she said she had never asked her to buy any. Told her she had never asked me and I know she took her to the doctor. Things must have been okay as she went on to have 4 children.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 4, 2017 19:40:29 GMT -5
Then there was the shame of having to tell the gym teacher and swim teacher when they took attendance. The swim teacher was most embarrassing because we sat on a bench while the others swam and sometimes boys came in to the pool area. We all knew they knew why we were sitting on the bench.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 4, 2017 19:46:07 GMT -5
Then there was the shame of having to tell the gym teacher and swim teacher when they took attendance. The swim teacher was most embarrassing because we sat on a bench while the others swam and sometimes boys came in to the pool area. We all knew they knew why we were sitting on the bench. At least I went to all girls schools through secondary school. That made it a little easier. Pffft, if there had been boys as well
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 19:51:22 GMT -5
How is it too far? I'm up for 100% transparency in age appropriate ways, so interested in what you think is too far for some. Well, if you read the amazon reviews, several of them mention it being ok if you are liberal and that it has too much sex in it
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 4, 2017 19:52:29 GMT -5
How is it too far? I'm up for 100% transparency in age appropriate ways, so interested in what you think is too far for some. Well, if you read the amazon reviews, several of them mention it being ok if you are liberal and that it has too much sex in it Too much sex in the book about sex. Got it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 19:55:15 GMT -5
Well, puberty and sex.
We were always fairly open about stuff like that, I think more information is better, especially if they are asking or curious. I too remember a series of discussions. But my kiddos also liked having books around so they could look into it for themselves because, well, its still embarrassing some times.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 4, 2017 20:29:57 GMT -5
Well, puberty and sex.
We were always fairly open about stuff like that, I think more information is better, especially if they are asking or curious. I too remember a series of discussions. But my kiddos also liked having books around so they could look into it for themselves because, well, its still embarrassing some times.
I bought the book by that author targeted at 4-10 year olds.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 4, 2017 20:39:17 GMT -5
I had no talk and was raised with some body shame, so thank God I have a son. The school did the talk for me, and then I read some books. Meh, it worked. I'm hoping X will do some kind of talk with DS. The farthest I got was telling DS boys and girls have different "bathroom parts" and that babies grow inside the mommy's tummy. For me, 6 is too early to be talking to my son about sex.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 4, 2017 20:52:36 GMT -5
No idea if the books talk about it, but between school and my parents they both missed the less obvious grooming info. Yea, that was embarrassing so bad I've blocked out how the nuances of how (I think my mother) informed me it was time to do that.
So if the books don't, I suggest mentioning it at some point. I think it became an issue after I got my period? Like I said, I've apparently decided to forget most of that experience.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 4, 2017 21:14:58 GMT -5
No idea if the books talk about it, but between school and my parents they both missed the less obvious grooming info. Yea, that was embarrassing so bad I've blocked out how the nuances of how (I think my mother) informed me it was time to do that. So if the books don't, I suggest mentioning it at some point. I think it became an issue after I got my period? Like I said, I've apparently decided to forget most of that experience. Like what?
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 4, 2017 21:19:53 GMT -5
No idea if the books talk about it, but between school and my parents they both missed the less obvious grooming info. Yea, that was embarrassing so bad I've blocked out how the nuances of how (I think my mother) informed me it was time to do that. So if the books don't, I suggest mentioning it at some point. I think it became an issue after I got my period? Like I said, I've apparently decided to forget most of that experience. Like what? Just the whole some trim, some wax, etc. Some how wasn't on my radar even though underarms and legs were. I had no idea... and I also didn't realize my bathing suits weren't containing (slash didn't even think of it) the hair until attention was called to it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 22:13:22 GMT -5
Just the whole some trim, some wax, etc. Some how wasn't on my radar even though underarms and legs were. I had no idea... and I also didn't realize my bathing suits weren't containing (slash didn't even think of it) the hair until attention was called to it. I would have liked to have known that. I cringe now when I think of the times I went swimming as a young adult with a lot of fuzz peeking out of the crotch area of my swimsuit. Yes, it's natural but so is armpit hair which I carefully shaved. Having group- showered sans swimsuit before entering the geothermal pools in Iceland, I made sure I was properly trimmed on my second trip. (I'd shaved off what was visible outside of a bathing suit for years, but tamed the rest of it, too.)
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Oct 4, 2017 23:51:00 GMT -5
Oh please, please throw a book at her. Give her something to refer to once she has regained something of her composure. Almost anything longer than the paper insert to a box of tampons will be a huge step up from my mom's "talk".
I don't remember much about "the talk" except that it started with "your body is getting ready to have babies" and ended with "you need to hide this from your brother". If she said anything sensible in the middle, I've forgotten about it, and both of us were on the verge of passing out during the entire "talk". And I wasn't even experiencing menarche, I'd just gotten caught rifling through a wastebasket looking for some sort of stuffing along with my little brother. Maybe he had taken off fast enough that she honestly believed that he wasn't part of the discovery, but I sorta doubt that. I can't begin to tell you how upset I was to have violated the rules of what I wasn't supposed to know anything about even before any of the rules should have applied to me.
Please, please do gobs better.
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mamasita99
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Post by mamasita99 on Oct 5, 2017 7:53:34 GMT -5
My mom gave me the same book that her mom gave her, it was a pamphlet from Kotex. It talked about how to use Sanitary Napkins, pads hadn't even been invented. I kept it, though, because I get a kick out of it now!
With my own girls, I answered questions they had while they were younger, and tried the talk when they were around 10-apparently they already knew about periods and stuff. Age of the internet, lol. I try to be very open about body processes and sex, my kids are the ones who want to change the subject when I try to have a discussion. So I like the idea about leaving a good book around for them to flip through.
What I will not do with my daughters: "Come to me when you are ready for birth control..." And when I did come to her for birth control: "What do you need birth control for? Boys will think you are a slut!" This was my mom, basically. I ended up going to the health department, they provided free birth control, thankfully.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 5, 2017 8:10:45 GMT -5
I went to the library for DS and asked the librarian. She recommended three books and I read all three. One was to simplified and he was beyond it, the other was too extreme, and the one was just right. I gave it to him to read and told him if he had any questions then to ask me. He was, at that age, 11-12, mostly concerned with "hair" in places that didn't have hair before. But that alleviated any uncomfortableness between us because he could read it in privacy plus talking to him, I might have skipped something that was important that I didn't think about.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Oct 5, 2017 8:23:41 GMT -5
It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Hariris. robieharris.com/?page_id=186It's a wonderful book for pre-teens and teens. It was challenged by several communities to ban it from public libraries, including my own. The people that were trying to ban it were over 60 or very religious. I would recommend reading it first, but I felt that it was age appropriate for my kids. Just don't do like my mother did when I started my period, all she said was do you want pads or tampons. UM, how the hell did I know. Of course it was not as bad as on the night before my wedding when she said "I hope you don't get pregnant right away". Well gee, thanks for any education on that matter.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 5, 2017 8:26:37 GMT -5
It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Hariris. robieharris.com/?page_id=186It's a wonderful book for pre-teens and teens. It was challenged by several communities to ban it from public libraries, including my own. The people that were trying to ban it were over 60 or very religious. I would recommend reading it first, but I felt that it was age appropriate for my kids. Just don't do like my mother did when I started my period, all she said was do you want pads or tampons. UM, how the hell did I know. Of course it was not as bad as on the night before my wedding when she said "I hope you don't get pregnant right away". Well gee, thanks for any education on that matter. How about "Its messy and it hurts?"
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 5, 2017 9:07:51 GMT -5
My daughter is going to be the last of her friends yo get her period, so I suspect she will get her info from them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 5, 2017 9:29:53 GMT -5
My mom was pretty open. It wasn't like an every day conversation but she would answer any questions I had. She's also always been pretty open about sex. There are some things she said she will take to her grave but in general she's been pretty honest and I feel like that gave me a healthy perspective on sex over all. By the time 5th grade rolled around and we had sex ed I was bored out of my skull. I'm pretty open with Gwen. She asked me how Abby got inside me and I told her. DH got ticked at me and told me I should have said it was the stork. Because nothing makes more sense and is less freaky than letting your kid thing a bird impregnanted you. Even Abby knows that she was in my tummy and "daddy put her there". Which is about as far as I need to get into that conversation with a 2 year old. She likely won't get her period till she is 13-14 based on genetics so I haven't had the "official" talk with her yet. I probably should within the next couple of years.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 5, 2017 9:30:33 GMT -5
I belong to a mom's group and I was surprised how many of their daughters started their periods in third grade. I didn't until middle school and didn't have any class on the topic until fourth. DS is eight so I recently talked to him a little bit about the changes your body goes through during puberty. He hung with me through mood changes, voice changes and pimples but laughed hysterically when I told him about pubic hair. He thought I was kidding at that point, lol. There was some study that strongly correlated weight at 2 years old to age when a girl starts her period. The heavier girls at 2 started early. There is lots of data about children being heavier now than in past generations. There are also a lot of theories about hormones in our food supply contributing to earlier menstruation. I'm sure there are many factors.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 5, 2017 9:32:18 GMT -5
being overweight + hormone-laden foods are definitely factors for early menstruation. I got mine when I was 10. I was overweight.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 5, 2017 9:32:24 GMT -5
I went to the library for DS and asked the librarian. She recommended three books and I read all three. One was to simplified and he was beyond it, the other was too extreme, and the one was just right. I gave it to him to read and told him if he had any questions then to ask me. He was, at that age, 11-12, mostly concerned with "hair" in places that didn't have hair before. But that alleviated any uncomfortableness between us because he could read it in privacy plus talking to him, I might have skipped something that was important that I didn't think about. Why does the book 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears' come to mind?
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 5, 2017 9:32:30 GMT -5
This will be totally unhelpful to Swamp since it's geared to parents of much younger children, so I apologize in advance to Swamp for a bit of a derail here.
For parents who have younger kids, though, the easiest way to avoid stress about having an uncomfortable time during The Talk is to avoid having to have a Big Talk altogether. If you have a kid and start discussing subjects like body development and sex from the time when they are little, then there is never a big, huge Talk since they get the information dripped to them over time. Has to be developmentally appropriate and you don't want to overload them, but there are actually a lot of times when they're little that small facts can be casually dropped into a discussion so it's not like a huge, awkward reveal later on. Especially if you start early when they're already curious, it's already normal and nonawkward for them to be asking you questions and you giving them simple answers. As they get older and think about things more, or notice new things, they'll ask more questions and you can give them a little more information. I know it's hard for those of us who grew up in houses where nothing was ever discussed because it feels weird to bring up (or give simple, blase answers about) topics like sex and body development, but IMHO it's easier than gearing up for a big, weird talk and it also has the benefit of giving the kids better information and breaking the cycle of being uncomfortable in their own skin or with their own body.
Edited to add: was typing this while Drama posted. My post is very similar to what Drama described - small, age appropriate info from the beginning.
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