Letting Go

[billisonboard]

I was sitting here listening to my wife rant about work again and she said something very significant, "And I will never forget ...". And she won't. She can and does recite every offense done against her since her childhood when she gets on a roll. The weight she carries is crushing her and I can't do a thing about it.

The secret is to know when to stop...
The secret is to know when to stop...
The secret is to know when to stop...
Remembering

[Deleted]

Maybe she needs to talk to somebody? Like a professional? 

[suesinfl]

Bill, it's hard to let go of our past, especially when it was not pleasant. It's taken me years to let go of my childhood. The  urge to hurt those that have hurt us is sometimes overwhelming. Especially when the others don't understand that what they did was hurtful, even when you tell them.

My only advice is for her to talk to someone that can help her deal with the hurt and anger. Stand beside her and be as understanding as you can be. Best of luck to the both of you

[Tennesseer]

I didn't want to post on MJ's thread about losing a friend who said to her "I'm done."  MJ has enough on her plate.  I said "I'm done." to a platonic friend of 20 years last week.  I have had enough of her not letting go of all the long ago and present comments and actions she believes were slights against her character.  

For example, several months ago, my friend Facebook messaged an old manager of hers from 18 years ago about her old manager picking one manager over my friend in either 1999 or 2000.  My friend's old manager was directed to reduce the number of managers in her organization and city and only one her managers would continue to be a manager in town but if my friend wanted to continue to be a manager, there was an open manager position in another state the company would pay to relocate her if she wanted the job.  So my friend relocated.  

After 17 years, my friend was still holding a grudge against the manager who has now been retired for ten years.  The retired manager knew my friend and I were pretty close and she asked me how should she respond to the message.  I told her not to respond at all.

There are a number of other examples like this of not letting go of things from the past.  I have had enough of her making bad decisions.  She will complain about things to us and when family and friends (like me) offer advice how to fix it, she accuses us of being judgmental and to mind our own business.

Let it go.  It's over and in the past and it does no good to dwell on it.  You are ruining your relationship with your family and friends.

[Virgil Showlion]

The next time she goes on a rant, get an audio recording of it. Repeat until you've amassed 120 minutes of audio, clean it up, remaster it, split it into 2-8 min. tracks, and create a few albums. Perhaps "Ms. Billis Rants the Classics", "A Ms. Billis Christmas - Griping Through the Holidays", and "Ms. Billis - The Bellyaching Hits". Burn them onto a disc and give the set to her as a gift bundle on her next birthday. As an added touch, include CD cases with track listings.

1 - You Left the Toilet Seat Up in 1982 [4:15]
2 - You Left the Toilet Seat Up in 1982 (Hysterical Edition) [2:28]
3 - Mike Called Me Fat [6:21]
4 - That Bastard Bus Driver [3:03]
5 - That Bastard Bus Driver (Feat. Bastard Police Officer) [3:06]
...

If my theory is correct, the next time she's compelled to rage against the world, she'll slip on a pair of earbuds and listen to the whole thing pre-recorded rather than blurting it out anew. She can customize her experience at the push of a button. Best of all, it will save her the frustration of having to remember the 1,001 reasons she resents people.

I'm pretty sure I read about this technique in a psychology textbook somewhere.

[busymom]

Ouch!  I think if I began to recite a list of everything anyone has done wrong, to me, I'd never finish the list.


Tell her you prefer the Cliff Notes version of her life:  So-and-so is SUCH an a$$!  (rant over)  


(Maybe we should send billisonboard at set of earplugs.  You know, early Christmas present.)


By the way, I agree with oped that maybe it's time to speak with a therapist.  Best wishes!

[billisonboard]

Sept 16, 2017 10:11:38 GMT -5 oped said:

Maybe she needs to talk to somebody? Like a professional? 

The results of that in the past have been that anything a therapist has said that is not simply fully supportive of how she is "dealing" with things she shares with me as a new grievance.

We are into this relationship about ten years. I don't really remember it being as bad in the earlier years or maybe it is just that it is all weighing me down over the years now. I don't know.

Thanks all for the comments.

[dee27]

DH chuckles whenever I rant about old baggage, but I have improved since the kids became adults. Baggage weighs too much and consumes too much time; it is freeing when you can just let it go. A good therapist will give your wife a place to vent, but more importantly teach her how to cope with the weight she is carrying. If DW learns how to verbalize it and then discard it, the  load will become much lighter for both of you.

[Deleted]

Well, 10 extra years of grievances adds a lot of weight... 

My sister IS a therapist, but she's only recently been able to start letting go, last few years. Or at least she doesn't say as much to me about her grievances. 

Im more practical. She is still more tuned to what she thinks 'should' be... while I'm more like, this is how it is so how do we deal with what is...  not that I take shit, or don't have ideals, but I feel like I waste less time harping on how it's 'not right'...   not sure what makes us different. 

[whoisjohngalt]

I think if you don't naturally inclined to let things go, learning to do so is very very hard. I didn't realize how hard until I went through all kinds of crap with my IL's.

There is a poster on here (I won't mention her name unless she is OK with that) who sent me a very good PM on this subject about how she learned to do it. It was very helpful.

Also, I am a firm believer that person has to want to do it themselves. May be therapy works in some instances, but overall, the person REALLY needs to WANT to do it.

[Shooby]

Go watch Frozen like 100x.

[alabamagal]

Sept 16, 2017 16:59:45 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Go watch Frozen like 100x.

That might cause other mental disorders.

[thyme4change]

I let most stuff go, but I am still bitter about my 7th grade friend being a total asshole. Given that I haven't seen her in 35 years, I've decided to just carry it with me forever. I'm sure she turned out to be a fully lovely person. But, who cares?

[Virgil Showlion]

"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself."
    - Suzanne Somers

[Empire the P.A.]

I find that I have a hard time "letting go" of the things I have done wrong. It is the regret that I could have been a better person at the time but wasn't for whatever reason (from either laziness or fear). 

[Artemis Windsong]

Sept 17, 2017 18:58:33 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself."
    - Suzanne Somers

Three thoughts:  Forgiveness opens the door for divine work.

If someone is dealing with a true criminal or mentally disturbed person, forgive but don't forget.

Journal that anger then burn it if it's too personal.  Journaling daily also helps to process the day. 

[MJ2.0]

Sept 17, 2017 19:09:34 GMT -5 Empire the P.A. said:

I find that I have a hard time "letting go" of the things I have done wrong. It is the regret that I could have been a better person at the time but wasn't for whatever reason (from either laziness or fear). 

OMG, where have you been?!?!