swasat
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Post by swasat on Sept 14, 2017 12:45:22 GMT -5
MJ2.0, before I give you my sagely advice read the following. I saw it a few days ago, bookmarked it because it resonated so much with me.
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dee27
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Post by dee27 on Sept 14, 2017 12:54:57 GMT -5
It's strange - we can be extremely compatible as friends and more and then there are times where we are complete polar opposites and things get tense. There are things he says that make me bristle on the inside, and when he gets angry I am REALLY scared of him. He's never put hands on me, but he has hit things in anger/frustration. I knew things would end eventually, I just hoped we'd be those friends who faded away over time. That would scare me too. As someone who was subjected to extreme verbal abuse during my first marriage, I can relate because my sunny personality took a big hit. I did not realize how unhealthy the relationship was to my psyche until I went to individual counseling. I wish you the best outcome on your quest.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2017 14:34:51 GMT -5
What stands out for me is this idea that HE helped bring out YOU. My guess it's less him you fear losing, than you. So you need to see to making sure you are you with just you...
Did that make any sense?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Sept 14, 2017 15:17:54 GMT -5
it does somewhat. But I learned from my experience with X that I don't want to mold myself to be something I'm not. I guess not that well since I became so wrapped up with someone ELSE who I tried to do the same thing with, although to a lesser extent.
Ugh.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Sept 14, 2017 16:10:21 GMT -5
As someone who was subjected to extreme verbal abuse during my first marriage, I can relate because my sunny personality took a big hit. I did not realize how unhealthy the relationship was to my psyche until I went to individual counseling. I wish you the best outcome on your quest. Don't you have a young son? I'm not trying to judge or offend, but there is no way I would allow someone who scared me anywhere around my boys. Not even now that they are grown. I'm sorry you are struggling and hope you can work things out.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Sept 14, 2017 16:14:33 GMT -5
Sorry to hear that MJ. You sound like a nice woman, I hope things work out for you.
I know what you mean about the constant battle to not project your own issues onto others. I try to not get melodramatic or bitter over not having a relationship or the rejection from past relationships. It's easy to get really negative and pessimistic when I do date, since it didn't work in the past. It can be a struggle not to project that on those I date and I'm constantly on guard against it. Even if it doesn't work out, other people don't need to deal with my insecurities. They deserve my best.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Sept 14, 2017 16:44:40 GMT -5
As someone who was subjected to extreme verbal abuse during my first marriage, I can relate because my sunny personality took a big hit. I did not realize how unhealthy the relationship was to my psyche until I went to individual counseling. I wish you the best outcome on your quest. Don't you have a young son? I'm not trying to judge or offend, but there is no way I would allow someone who scared me anywhere around my boys. Not even now that they are grown. I'm sorry you are struggling and hope you can work things out. he has only "met" my son twice - both for short amounts of time and a long while ago. I'm kinda glad there hasn't been any more interaction. And FTR, I don't believe in bringing guys around DS until it's been a long time and I'm fairly sure they'll be around for a long time. That hasn't happened yet.
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Happy prose
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Post by Happy prose on Sept 14, 2017 17:05:46 GMT -5
I hope you vet yourself healthier, then be able to realize you deserve better.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Sept 14, 2017 17:41:31 GMT -5
I am going to state the obvious first. 1. I don't know you. I don't know if you are kind or selfish, self-observed or giving. 2. I think it's great when people understand that they have flows and those flows can effect relationships. I mean when people really understand that, not just say it bc it's sounds good 3. I am sure you have things you can work on and improve. That being said - have you considered that may be it's not you that you have to work on, but your life and circumstances. I wish I knew how to say this tactfully and eloquently, but the when you cut out all the noise - you had a lot of changes happen in the last 5-6 yrs. A lot of actual events that can mess with mind and soul. A lot of choices that you made where consequences were not the best. That is not easy. That change a person. Not permanently, but still changes you. So, may be step back from self improvement books and actually spend time and energy on getting life circumstances where you want them to be - job, time with your son, etc. You might be pleasantly surprised that your "shortcomings" will resolve on it's own bc you never really seemed to be the person you described in OP. Or...may be not, may be you are a selfish bitch and need to call Dr Phil immediately. (I doubt, though)
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 14, 2017 18:19:11 GMT -5
... So, may be step back from self improvement books and actually spend time and energy on getting life circumstances where you want them to be - job, time with your son, etc. ... I heard once that the way to build self esteem is not to deal directly with the issue but to develop actual skills and accomplish actual tasks. It can be as simple a thing as learning to juggle or throw a pot on a wheel. It could be gaining expertise on a topic and finding avenues to share it. The positive self image will emerge from that. I do agree with the idea of spending time and energy on the practical matters of daily living being what she wants. However, good self improvement books can help a person with the self talk that stops them from doing things. If MJ2.0 finds the books useful, she should stick with them also.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Sept 14, 2017 18:42:00 GMT -5
On the counseling front, when I was going through a divorce I found this meet-up group called Women in Transition. It was $10/week, and led by a woman who was well informed, and had a lot of resources and connections. It was also nice to talk to and listen to other women going through tough transitions. Not sure if there is anything like that in your area, but group counseling might be a nice option if you can't afford someone private.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Sept 14, 2017 18:47:54 GMT -5
... So, may be step back from self improvement books and actually spend time and energy on getting life circumstances where you want them to be - job, time with your son, etc. ... good self improvement books can help a person with the self talk that stops them from doing things. If MJ2.0 finds the books useful, she should stick with them also. Pretty much this.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Sept 14, 2017 19:16:08 GMT -5
OK, never mind then
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Sept 14, 2017 19:41:23 GMT -5
Lena, You do make some great points. I wish I was the type of person who could just forget about all things other than my immediate needs (son, bettering myself at my career, etc) regardless of how I feel about myself. Unfortunately I am not. When I feel really down on myself, the last thing I think about is doing more than the bare minimum. "Me" and "my life" can't really be separated. If I feel bad about "me", "my life" suffers. It would be really easy if it wasn't that way. Right now I am working on some redirects for the negative self talk so that I CAN start doing more for "my life" and "me", at least in the interim. And yes, I have gone through a lot of changes - most if not all were self-inflicted. For the longest time I believed that every little failure after the divorce was my punishment and that I deserved to suffer. If someone can be a great parent/friend/daughter and excel at their career with that mindset, they are my hero. I only recently stopped believing that. I do appreciate your perspective. It's practical, as I'd expect from you.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Sept 14, 2017 19:57:58 GMT -5
Lena, You do make some great points. I wish I was the type of person who could just forget about all things other than my immediate needs (son, bettering myself at my career, etc) regardless of how I feel about myself. Unfortunately I am not. When I feel really down on myself, the last thing I think about is doing more than the bare minimum. "Me" and "my life" can't really be separated. If I feel bad about "me", "my life" suffers. It would be really easy if it wasn't that way. Right now I am working on some redirects for the negative self talk so that I CAN start doing more for "my life" and "me", at least in the interim. And yes, I have gone through a lot of changes - most if not all were self-inflicted. For the longest time I believed that every little failure after the divorce was my punishment and that I deserved to suffer. If someone can be a great parent/friend/daughter and excel at their career with that mindset, they are my hero. I only recently stopped believing that. I do appreciate your perspective. It's practical, as I'd expect from you. I completely get that. I guess what I was trying to say and help you recognize (not very clearly, probably) that you, as a person, don't need as much "fixing" as you portrayed in OP. You took big risks, you are taking responsibility for your choices. Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself. I am not saying don't read self help books, and surely, having negative self talk can be super detrimental and it's good that you are dealing with it. But don't be too harsh on yourself either. That's all I was really trying to say
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Sept 14, 2017 19:58:27 GMT -5
Rejection hurts even when you wanted them gone. I left my ex and was hurt he didn't try harder to win me back. He would have failed I was done with him but it still hurt. I cut contact with my ex told him I didn't want to talk for at least a year, then the next year I said I needed another year. Two years to recover myself, deal with issues and learn to be happy alone. I dated others but no love interest. Sometimes we work too hard to maintain a relationship so we don't have to deal with being alone or rejected.
I suggest dropping him for being violent, deal with your life then consider finding a love interest. Might take a couple of years to be ready to start a new relationship instead of rebound to fill a void. Go be you until you are not feeling needy.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Sept 14, 2017 20:18:42 GMT -5
this wasn't an official romantic relationship but it was pretty damn close to being one. The feelings and a lot of the actions were there, along with the frequent communication. We've known each other for 5 years now. And we were monogamous sexually. But ever since that jerk last year dumped me 2 months in because he didn't want to date a single mother (which he knew I was from the first date!), I knew I was done with official dating for a while. I'm still done and will likely be done for a long time. If anything were to happen, it would have to be a chance meeting or someone I become friends with and eventually develops into more.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Sept 14, 2017 20:21:11 GMT -5
thank you all for your helpful posts - even the ones that were hard to "hear" but I needed to "hear" them. Really, I'm grateful there is a community of people I can share these things with.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2017 5:56:12 GMT -5
Hugs
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 15, 2017 7:21:34 GMT -5
Someone gave me the book "Women Who Love Too Much" but this was the 1980's version. When I first started reading it I thought "what, none of this applies to me" but I kept at it and one thing that stood out to me was the line'
"We tend to dance to the tune we are most familiar with"
I realized I was dating a guy like my EX of 18 yrs. Sorta opened my eyes a bit when it came to future relationships.
Of course I am not a good one to talk about long term relationships since I have been in some but never went into any of them thinking/hoping it would end in marriage. Last thing on my mind is/was marrying again.
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Regis
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Post by Regis on Sept 15, 2017 8:08:18 GMT -5
You need to set the bar higher for the men in your life. You're worth it.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Sept 15, 2017 8:31:09 GMT -5
thank you all for your helpful posts - even the ones that were hard to "hear" but I needed to "hear" them. Really, I'm grateful there is a community of people I can share these things with. I don't have any helpful advice, but I would like to commend you on looking inside yourself and evaluating how you interact with other people to see if you can improve your relationships by changing your mindset and actions.
I know (and am related to) several people who firmly believe they are always right and any issues are 100% due to someone else. These kinds of people are difficult to deal with because they 1) never accept any tiny part of the responsibility when things go wrong, and 2) change is not possible for those kinds of people, because self reflection isn't a thing they are familiar with.
Just by stepping outside yourself and reflecting on your own actions and what you might have done that contributed to the problem you are doing better than a lot of people could - so give yourself some credit for that. Good luck.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Sept 15, 2017 12:35:58 GMT -5
Run from a person who is pounding things other than balls on some kind of court like racquetball or tennis or a boxing/martial arts gym.
One thing I learned many years ago, get away from any angry man so that anger doesn't get transferred then taken out on the female. I was scarce when a friend came off court because of that. I hid behind another male friend.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Sept 18, 2017 23:55:45 GMT -5
did the meeting at the park happen?
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Sept 19, 2017 11:09:29 GMT -5
It's way easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself IME. It's hard knowing you can't take back the mistakes or even really 'get over' them if the friendship is over. But try to be kind to yourself. Knowing you have a problem and admitting it is further than most people ever get.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 20, 2017 5:45:03 GMT -5
(((hugs♥))) Take care of you.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 22, 2017 7:02:59 GMT -5
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Do take care of yourself as best as you can with the eating and sleeping though. FWIW. You've never really struck me as being a victim at least here. (That said, I do also believe our (everyone in general) online personas may or may not be true reflections of who we (again generalized) are.) I also don't think you are very self-absorbed. I'm far more self-absorbed, tbh..one of the reasons why I don't have a ton (ok, any) friends IRL. I mean, I have acquaintances and the places where it's like I'm Norm at Cheers. But I don't really maintain friendships. Has it occurred to you that some people have different tolerances of different behavior?I remember a guy I dated when I was 19. He just could not tolerate my thought processes and what not...eventually he broke it off with me after a few months. Shortly there after, is when DH and I started hanging out more. Truly, DH is my longest friend...we've been friends for almost 25 years now. I'm all for self improvement. I think it IS important. I just don't want to see you beating yourself up, either..I have considered the highlighted, believe me. It's strange - we can be extremely compatible as friends and more and then there are times where we are complete polar opposites and things get tense. There are things he says that make me bristle on the inside, and when he gets angry I am REALLY scared of him. He's never put hands on me, but he has hit things in anger/frustration. I knew things would end eventually, I just hoped we'd be those friends who faded away over time. I know I'm very late to this thread but this post really stood out to me. No matter how good of a guy he is 99% of the time, the fact that the way he behaves when he is angry scares you tells me that this is not a guy you want to be around. I know it's hard but that kind of behavior is not ok I commend you for the soul searching. but reach for the stars when you are truly ready to date. Don't settle for anyone. You deserve a good guy and that definitely means one that doesn't scare you
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Sept 22, 2017 8:50:43 GMT -5
I have considered the highlighted, believe me. It's strange - we can be extremely compatible as friends and more and then there are times where we are complete polar opposites and things get tense. There are things he says that make me bristle on the inside, and when he gets angry I am REALLY scared of him. He's never put hands on me, but he has hit things in anger/frustration. I knew things would end eventually, I just hoped we'd be those friends who faded away over time. I know I'm very late to this thread but this post really stood out to me. No matter how good of a guy he is 99% of the time, the fact that the way he behaves when he is angry scares you tells me that this is not a guy you want to be around. I know it's hard but that kind of behavior is not ok I commend you for the soul searching. but reach for the stars when you are truly ready to date. Don't settle for anyone. You deserve a good guy and that definitely means one that doesn't scare you Thank you. Thanks everyone. I had a dream last night that we met, talked, and moved forward. I woke up sad because who knows if that will happen. If we do talk at some point and get on good terms, I know things won't go back to how they were. They can't, and they shouldn't. And that's okay with me. It's the silence and not knowing that's hard. I miss him, but whatever we had may have been okay at one point but it's no longer okay for either of us.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Sept 22, 2017 9:37:27 GMT -5
and yes, he does have a very difficult time with letting himself be vulnerable or showing too much emotion. Lots of things are a joke until he's mad about something. That's another thing that I'm not crazy about. I don't think I'd be able to be with someone that has a bad temper or acts like a big baby when they are upset. To me, that would just make a relationship miserable.
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