Partner Has Anxiety

[coffeegrl]

Hi all. I've posted in some of the money forums on this board, but this is definitely not money related. I hope that some of you can help me with something.

I am in a new relationship with a wonderful man. We met online mid-June and became an official couple late July after talking and then quite a few dates. The past week or so, I noticed that he seemed 'off' for lack of a better word. Well, on Friday, I found out that his doctor recently prescribed Prozac for him because he has been having some real problems with anxiety and over-thinking everything. First, I was a little stunned that he would open up to me and tell me something like this so early in our relationship. Second, he revealed this to me via text message, in the context of cancelling our date for this weekend. He said the medication has been making his moods really weird and he just wouldn't be good company. Of course, I was understanding and told him to let me know if there was anything I could do.

So my question is this: what can I do as his girlfriend to help him with his anxiety? I don't know if he has specific triggers (part of me is afraid it's our relationship, since this seems to have started since we officially became a couple) or if this is something he has always struggled with for a long time and is just now seeking help for. Since we are only 1 month into our relationship, I don't feel like I have the right to do anything other than just offer to be there for him. Of course, all I want to do is go be with him and comfort him, but he doesn't want that right now, I'm assuming, or he wouldn't have cancelled seeing me this weekend.

Does anyone have any advice or experience in this area? I actually go to occasional counseling myself, as a couple years ago I was suffering from anxiety and mild depression. I never went on medication and I still see my counselor a few times a year to 'check in' and see if anything needs to be discussed and nipped in the bud before it becomes overwhelming. I feel like this is huge for him to reveal this to me, especially so early on, and I want to be the good and supportive girlfriend who can help our relationship grow through this.

I've searched online for message boards specifically for partners of those suffering from anxiety, but all I ever seem to find are message boards supporting those who have the mental illness. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Shooby]

You can't help his anxiety. It is part ofwho he is. He has to learn to deal with it and manage it himself. I do think that was wise of him to tell you this upfront. But you didn't cause it, you can't fix it, not your job to fix it. Be who you are, he will be who he is and decide if this is a healthy relationship for you or not.

[coffeegrl]

Aug 26, 2017 22:59:57 GMT -5 Shooby said:

You can't help his anxiety. 

Thank you for your words. I guess I should re-phrase what my question was. I know I can't help him in the sense of fixing anything. Honestly, I don't see him as needing to be 'fixed.' What are some suggestions for how I can SUPPORT him through this? Obviously, talking to him about what I could do to help support him is a wise idea, but he may not be open to talking a lot about it. I have read many articles already about being a good listener, understanding what things may trigger anxiety to rear its head, learning what things can help comfort a person, etc. I was just looking for any suggestions from anybody who has experience being the partner of somebody with anxiety. 

[suesinfl]

Shobby gave some wonderful advice. The only things I can add it that you cannot let it take over your life. Do not walk around on egg shells or being afraid that anything you (or whatever life throws his/your way) will upset him. Support is great if he is willing to accept the help, but he must learn to help himself first and not be dependent on the help/support.

Best of luck to the both of you.

[Shooby]

Coffee - Please reread your initial post.  You are already blaming yourself in some ways.  

"I don't know if he has specific triggers (part of me is afraid it's our relationship)."   I would advise you take a bit of step back.  You seem very kind and compassionate and want to go into rescue mode.   Anxiety cannot be comforted by reassurance, hugs, etc.  All of those things are great.  And, of course, you can hug and listen.  But this is really something that the individual person has to learn to come to terms with and manage.  So, beyond hugs, being kind and back rubs, he needs medical help which it sounds like he is getting.
  You are only a couple months into this relationship.  He is telling you up front that he has some challenges.  You would be wise to take your relationship slowly to see if he is really ready and able to be a fully functioning life partner.  He may or may not be at this point in his life. He may need some time to simply work on himself without the challenges of an intimate relationship.  What I am saying could be way off base as I do not know you  or the situation.  Just some food for thought and that may or may not apply to you.
  

[Gardening Grandma]

I can relate. Ever since his cancer treatment, DH has been anxious about it returning. (Well, it's always in the back of my mind as well).

He doesn't want to talk about it, but I try to let him know that I'm here for him whether he wants to discuss it or not.

Recently he expressed an interest in seeing a hyynotherapist to help him deal with it. I told him I thought that was a great idea. He hasn't followed up though and I'm trying not to nag.

It's tough;

[NancysSummerSip]

You have to live your life as you have always lived it. You cannot live through, for or about another person. By all mean, be the good listener and respond to what he says. But DO NOT get sucked into the anxiety whirlwind. Obviously, if he wanted to date you in the first place, he is doing so because he likes who YOU ARE.

The minute you start living your life afraid you will trigger something bad in his, you've gone down his rabbit hole.

And understand that his dealing with anxiety issues is for life. Medications may come and go, dosages may change. But the issues will always be there to deal with. Right now, it sounds like he is in the early stages of recognizing the situation for what it is, and exploring how things got where they are. It's nice that you two are an item, but in your case, I'd keep my boyfriend options open. This could work out, and he could conquer his issues. Then again, the roller coaster ride getting to that point may become too much to handle. Make sure you have an option out of this situation if you need it.

[spartan7886]

DH has anxiety issues. They run in his family. I try to be the calm presence to help him talk through things when it makes sense, but mostly he says the best thing I can do for him is just quietly snuggle and be there. One thing to be careful of - both MIL and I have discovered that withholding things to prevent our DHs from getting anxious and overreacting just backfires. It makes them feel incompetent and less of a man. That should probably be obvious, but when you love someone, the tendency is to want to protect them.