Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 21, 2017 16:02:57 GMT -5
We haven't had one of these in a while. Poor DH is visiting for a week, got up to the Portland area yesterday. This a.m. I got an e-mail from him with two crises within the first 12 hours.
1. MIL is losing her reimbursement from her LTC provider, Genworth and will have to start paying her premiums again (at age 82!). I asked what happened and he says she basically got caught. I'm not sure what he means and hopefully we can talk this evening. She does need help; especially with her mental issues. I told DH he needs to help her with this because if he doesn't she's going to expect him to fill in for the caregiver. I suspect that MIL said something inappropriate during her quarterly evaluation and that's why the LTC company has yanked her benefits.
2. She is in the process of acquiring her 4th dog (yet another puppy). If you've followed the dog part of her story, when she had to put down one of her dogs last year, she went out and got a puppy (a Coton du Tulear) to cheer up her remaining dog, a 14 year old Corgi. Of course the puppy has been driving the older dog nuts, plus she's never house trained him because she doesn't have the patience. So of course the dog is peeing and pooping all over the house. A month or so ago, she bought another Coton du Tulear puppy to keep the new puppy company so he doesn't annoy the old dog. Of course the new puppy isn't house trained either. Supposedly this week she will get the new puppy (a corgi because they are so much smarter than the Coton du Tulears) because the old dog is on his last legs.
I told DH to contact MIL's psychologist because this situation has gone too far. He's sent him an e-mail explaining the situation and that he doesn't think she can live on her own anymore due to her short term memory issues and inability to reason. We'll see what happens. Thanks for the opportunity to vent! |
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 21, 2017 16:18:44 GMT -5
Good luck to your DH!!!  |
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 21, 2017 16:28:38 GMT -5
Oh my. |
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 21, 2017 16:28:51 GMT -5
Right now I'm dealing with my 88 yo mother, who wants every single piece of crap she had at her old 2500 sq ft house completely full house brought over to the 1200 sq ft house she is now living in with 3 other people. She wants to go back to living with narrow pathways through all the piled high junk. She was in tears earlier because sometime in the last 2 years, I threw out a box full of magazine clippings of ideas and patterns, that had been sitting around for 20 years without being looked at.
We had to bring over about 20 bins full of yarn a few months ago (and she has knitted or crocheted a dozen hats), and now she wants the 20 bins worth of fabrics brought over; most of the stuff is sitting around on the floor of her old sewing room. She hasn't actually sewn anything in well over 15 years. But if we don't bring it over, she'll get my nephew to drive her over to Joann's crafts so she can buy more stuff that will never be used.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Jun 21, 2017 16:37:19 GMT -5
Oh Bonny and mollyanna58, I'm sorry that you guys are dealing with this stuff. My parents were hoarders and took care of all the stray cats that came to their house. It was not pleasant when we had to move them. |
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 21, 2017 16:37:45 GMT -5
Right now I'm dealing with my 88 yo mother, who wants every single piece of crap she had at her old 2500 sq ft house completely full house brought over to the 1200 sq ft house she is now living in with 3 other people. She wants to go back to living with narrow pathways through all the piled high junk. She was in tears earlier because sometime in the last 2 years, I threw out a box full of magazine clippings of ideas and patterns, that had been sitting around for 20 years without being looked at. We had to bring over about 20 bins full of yarn a few months ago (and she has knitted or crocheted a dozen hats), and now she wants the 20 bins worth of fabrics brought over; most of the stuff is sitting around on the floor of her old sewing room. She hasn't actually sewn anything in well over 15 years. But if we don't bring it over, she'll get my nephew to drive her over to Joann's crafts so she can buy more stuff that will never be used. That will be one of the next crises. Emptying out the 3000 sq.ft. two story "retirement" house she bought at age 65.
Our first will be finding suitable replacement housing. She's not been able to wrap her head around spending $1M+ for a 1500 sq.ft house in the Bay Area and selling her house for around $650k. I really don't think she should live in a house anymore and spending $10k/mth for assisted living will also be unpalatable. Although, thank God she does have the resources to pay for a nice facility.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Jun 21, 2017 16:39:19 GMT -5
Only liked because she has the resources.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jun 21, 2017 17:09:52 GMT -5
The late ----- can be a blessing to many.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 21, 2017 17:18:19 GMT -5
Right now I'm dealing with my 88 yo mother, who wants every single piece of crap she had at her old 2500 sq ft house completely full house brought over to the 1200 sq ft house she is now living in with 3 other people. She wants to go back to living with narrow pathways through all the piled high junk. She was in tears earlier because sometime in the last 2 years, I threw out a box full of magazine clippings of ideas and patterns, that had been sitting around for 20 years without being looked at. We had to bring over about 20 bins full of yarn a few months ago (and she has knitted or crocheted a dozen hats), and now she wants the 20 bins worth of fabrics brought over; most of the stuff is sitting around on the floor of her old sewing room. She hasn't actually sewn anything in well over 15 years. But if we don't bring it over, she'll get my nephew to drive her over to Joann's crafts so she can buy more stuff that will never be used. That will be one of the next crises. Emptying out the 3000 sq.ft. two story "retirement" house she bought at age 65.
Our first will be finding suitable replacement housing. She's not been able to wrap her head around spending $1M+ for a 1500 sq.ft house in the Bay Area and selling her house for around $650k. I really don't think she should live in a house anymore and spending $10k/mth for assisted living will also be unpalatable. Although, thank God she does have the resources to pay for a nice facility.
Considering she has the resources, I think I'd be looking for a facility that has assisted living as well as nursing home/memory care. That way, as her condition worsens she'll be able to transition within the same facility. That's really helpful when memory is an issue. |
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 21, 2017 17:41:41 GMT -5
That will be one of the next crises. Emptying out the 3000 sq.ft. two story "retirement" house she bought at age 65.
Our first will be finding suitable replacement housing. She's not been able to wrap her head around spending $1M+ for a 1500 sq.ft house in the Bay Area and selling her house for around $650k. I really don't think she should live in a house anymore and spending $10k/mth for assisted living will also be unpalatable. Although, thank God she does have the resources to pay for a nice facility.
Considering she has the resources, I think I'd be looking for a facility that has assisted living as well as nursing home/memory care. That way, as her condition worsens she'll be able to transition within the same facility. That's really helpful when memory is an issue.  Folks with memory loss are somtimes frightened by the unfamiliar. mmhhmm is right about the facility for assisted living as well as a nursing home and memory care unit. |
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 21, 2017 19:04:12 GMT -5
That will be one of the next crises. Emptying out the 3000 sq.ft. two story "retirement" house she bought at age 65.
Our first will be finding suitable replacement housing. She's not been able to wrap her head around spending $1M+ for a 1500 sq.ft house in the Bay Area and selling her house for around $650k. I really don't think she should live in a house anymore and spending $10k/mth for assisted living will also be unpalatable. Although, thank God she does have the resources to pay for a nice facility.
Considering she has the resources, I think I'd be looking for a facility that has assisted living as well as nursing home/memory care. That way, as her condition worsens she'll be able to transition within the same facility. That's really helpful when memory is an issue. Yes, the challenge is getting her into a facility...and keeping her there. She's begged me not to send her to a "home". I didn't respond. What I wanted to say was "we may not have a choice" given her behavioral issues. She's abusive and will act out violently. One of our concerns is that once we get her into a place, she may get kicked out. |
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 21, 2017 19:14:51 GMT -5
Considering she has the resources, I think I'd be looking for a facility that has assisted living as well as nursing home/memory care. That way, as her condition worsens she'll be able to transition within the same facility. That's really helpful when memory is an issue. Folks with memory loss are somtimes frightened by the unfamiliar. mmhhmm is right about the facility for assisted living as well as a nursing home and memory care unit. She's not frightened per se. She's really angry that her body and mind are failing and she takes it out on everyone around her and especially on people who are trying to help her. |
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 21, 2017 19:25:50 GMT -5
Oh my gosh so sorry, Bonny & mollyanna58 I can only offer sympathy I went through stuff with my mom some 21 years ago. It's the stuff I don't miss that I remember the most. |
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Jun 21, 2017 19:29:21 GMT -5
Hugs Bonny, it's a hard place to be in when dealing with relatives that don't won't or don't know how to cooperate with their health care.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jun 21, 2017 19:32:28 GMT -5
Bonny and mollyana, I'm so sorry. Both situations suck.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 21, 2017 19:35:16 GMT -5
What do you mean by losing her reimbursement from her long term care provider?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 21, 2017 19:45:33 GMT -5
Considering she has the resources, I think I'd be looking for a facility that has assisted living as well as nursing home/memory care. That way, as her condition worsens she'll be able to transition within the same facility. That's really helpful when memory is an issue. Yes, the challenge is getting her into a facility...and keeping her there. She's begged me not to send her to a "home". I didn't respond. What I wanted to say was "we may not have a choice" given her behavioral issues. She's abusive and will act out violently. One of our concerns is that once we get her into a place, she may get kicked out. Memory units that accept Alzheimer's patients are equipped and prepared to deal with aggressive, violent behavior on the part of patients. It's not uncommon so not unexpected. Just be sure to mention it when you're seeking placement. It will help the facility to know where best to place mom. I sure do understand the "I don't want to go to a home" response. That, too, is pretty normal. I was able to keep mother at home until she passed but we had to put my dad into a facility because he was prone to wandering. Mother, being pretty restricted as far as her ambulation was concerned, was able to remain with us. Sounds like your dear lady may be more like my dad than my mom. Different problems, perhaps, but the same ultimate needs. My thoughts are with you. I know how difficult these things are. |
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 21, 2017 21:28:11 GMT -5
Folks with memory loss are somtimes frightened by the unfamiliar. mmhhmm is right about the facility for assisted living as well as a nursing home and memory care unit. She's not frightened per se. She's really angry that her body and mind are failing and she takes it out on everyone around her and especially on people who are trying to help her. My mom had Alzheimer's disease. In the esrly to middle course of the disease's run, my mom had periodic moments of lucidity. When she was lucid, she would tell us she wanted to be euthanized. She knew what was happening with her mind. In the final stage there were very few moments in the here and now. Then she was 'gone'. To calm your MIL down, play music for her. Music she would remember from her younger years. If your MIL is religious, play religious music for her. Music seems to have a soothing affect. My mom had Alzheimer's disease and she could be reached with music from her generation. |
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jun 22, 2017 0:03:24 GMT -5
I'm sorry Bonny, and Mollyana.
Bonny, I'm glad for you that you've "simplified" your life recently by selling those two rentals. At least you have two fewer places to deal with.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Jun 22, 2017 5:41:10 GMT -5
I am sorry about your MIL. You may be able to get information about resources available to assist her for either in home care or a community if you contact the local Adult Protective Services.
They may also be able to do an assessment if she is in any danger living alone. However in my area they prioritize freedom over safety, so if an elderly person is deemed to be mentally competent to make the decision, they won't intervene to address an unsafe living situation. |
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Jun 22, 2017 10:12:41 GMT -5
Considering she has the resources, I think I'd be looking for a facility that has assisted living as well as nursing home/memory care. That way, as her condition worsens she'll be able to transition within the same facility. That's really helpful when memory is an issue. Yes, the challenge is getting her into a facility...and keeping her there. She's begged me not to send her to a "home". I didn't respond. What I wanted to say was "we may not have a choice" given her behavioral issues. She's abusive and will act out violently. One of our concerns is that once we get her into a place, she may get kicked out. It appears that you've already passed the point at which she should have moved into an assisted living facility with the step up in care. It's never an easy transition but from reading your posts over the past few years, it seems that it should already have been done. Your DH has to take control of the situation if he has the authority(POA). If not, it'll play out as it will |
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 22, 2017 14:11:38 GMT -5
What do you mean by losing her reimbursement from her long term care provider? The LTC kicks in if you can't do 2 of the 7 human functions. I don't have the list and maybe mmhmm can help me out? But essentially it's things like feed yourself, bath, use the toilet, etc.
The LTC company sends someone out quarterly to evaluate. Apparently MIL bragged to the rep she could do all of those things so they are kicking her off the reimbursement plan.
DH is so angry at her because he believes she's faking some of her symptoms and that she can do more for herself. And he may be partially right; she's highly manipulative but the short term memory issues are real.
Obviously she is not reasoning well because she would have realized that her bragging would end up costing her benefits and reinstating her premiums.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 22, 2017 14:13:22 GMT -5
I'll see what I can do, Bonny. If I don't have something lying around, someone I know will.  |
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 22, 2017 14:15:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry Bonny, and Mollyana. Bonny, I'm glad for you that you've "simplified" your life recently by selling those two rentals. At least you have two fewer places to deal with. Yeah, I was anticipating that we were going to need to spend more time dealing with her issues. And of course I'll handle the real estate end of things. But you'll laugh, she was very hurt that when she died I wasn't going to keep her house and turn it into a rental. |
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 22, 2017 14:19:21 GMT -5
Yes, the challenge is getting her into a facility...and keeping her there. She's begged me not to send her to a "home". I didn't respond. What I wanted to say was "we may not have a choice" given her behavioral issues. She's abusive and will act out violently. One of our concerns is that once we get her into a place, she may get kicked out. It appears that you've already passed the point at which she should have moved into an assisted living facility with the step up in care. It's never an easy transition but from reading your posts over the past few years, it seems that it should already have been done. Your DH has to take control of the situation if he has the authority(POA). If not, it'll play out as it will We both have POAs for her but I really don't know how this will play out with getting her into a facility if she doesn't want to go. DH has been in touch with her psychologist and it sounds like they'll be setting up an evaluation. |
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jun 22, 2017 14:19:24 GMT -5
OMG/LOL!
ETA: Somehow I'm not surprised at her reaction ...
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 22, 2017 14:20:09 GMT -5
Got lucky, Bonny, and found it online: Federal LTCThere is probably more useful information for you on that site. |
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jun 22, 2017 14:26:52 GMT -5
Bonny , if I'm not mistaken, you (and/or your DH) drive many hours north from SF to your MIL's home, and many hours south to your two rentals (the two you have recently sold). From what I understand, you no longer have to regularly drive that far south. And once you bring your MIL closer, you will no longer have to drive that far north (but of course you'll still have to deal with her). Is that correct? Is the cabin closer to where you live, or closer to the two rentals you sold? How far is the place in AZ? IOW, you have less driving to do these days, I think?
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jun 22, 2017 14:29:29 GMT -5
Other thoughts ...
If she absolutely wants a house because of outdoor space, could you get her what we used to call a "garden apartment" in NY, ie a ground-floor condo with some outdoor space?
Would ANY place (assisted living or even a purchase) even accept FOUR dogs?! Can you talk to the latest breeder to encourage him NOT to sell her the newest puppy, or is it too late? It's very sad for the dogs, because obviously, no responsible breeder would have sold her the 3rd or 4th puppies. |
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 22, 2017 15:29:19 GMT -5
The reason facilities are so careful about admissions is because once they have admitted someone, they legally cannot just kick the person out on the street with nowhere to go. Instead, they must work to secure a place that is safe and appropriate. And although they may pushes it withnyou, you as the family are NOT required to take them home with you.
Also, let me know if you end up with any "extra" puppies this summer as I am getting ready to adopt. LOL!
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