I haven't messed up but I feel like I have.

[naughtybear]

My roommate and friend is having a hard time. I think the last few years have really caught up with her and she has started a relationship with someone many of her closest friends do not care for. I came home last night and we had a talk and she said she thought every one was talking about her, and said we were because we are concerned about her wellbeing (we being me and D.) so she got upset and said why are you going behind my back, I said I didn't, I told you the exact same thing last sat night sitting on the couch.


Ok anyway not really what this post was really meant to be about. I always find I try to cheer people up with money, like I will buy dinner or buy drinks etc. I am starting to feel like this is what my father did to me and I don't like it. What are other ways to show you care etc without throwing money at it. Of course I hugged her.

[Tennesseer]

Sometimes you can show you care by not saying or doing anything. Simply listen to them.

[giramomma]

Maybe she doesn't see an issue with her choices right now? Is she happy with who she is dating?

Then you need to butt out. Anything you do is going to make the relationship worse.

My best friend from college married an asshole. I mean, he was an asshole. You know thinking that women's job was to be in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. That was him. In the year 200.

I didn't like him from the moment I met him.

What she didn't tell me is that he was self-medicating his depression with alcohol while they were dating/engaged. The alcoholism got much worse (earned himself a DUI), and he ended up cheating on her.

Then she started dating (to find a new husband) pretty much as soon as they separated.

There were other things that just made me cringe. But, I figured she needed extra grace, given her situation.

My heart hurt for her. 

The best thing I could do for us is to distance myself from the relationship. I know she didn't want to hear "I told you so." or unsolicited advice. This was her life, her choices.

And since she was fine with everything..there wasn't anything for me to do.

At some point we'll reconnect again (sooner than later)...and I'm glad we won't have all that drama between us.

[naughtybear]

Not what I asked Gira. That was background. I said my piece, I didn't indicate in my post that I was going to say any more, in fact my second paragraph stated that it was not what the post was meant to be about.


So. Again what other ways do you very nice people find here comforting and kind that your friends and family may do for you that doesn't involve throwing money at it like I seem to do, just being available to listen I heard from TN, I can do that.

[andi9899]

Why start a thread if you doing want people to share thoughts and advice? Or you only want the advice if it's what you want to hear and gira's advice for you to butt out didn't meet your criteria?

[giramomma]

Jun 8, 2017 9:18:32 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

Not what I asked Gira. That was background. I said my piece, I didn't indicate in my post that I was going to say any more, in fact my second paragraph stated that it was not what the post was meant to be about.


So. Again what other ways do you very nice people find here comforting and kind that your friends and family may do for you that doesn't involve throwing money at it like I seem to do, just being available to listen I heard from TN, I can do that.

Does your friend need comforting?

That's my point. If your friend feels she does not want/need comforting..why are you looking to offer something she doesn't want?

Really, you don't need to do anything at this point.

But, if my family wants to comfort me when they SEE I have requested comfort, then yes, a hug, a joke, cooking me a meal...offering to give me a break. That's what folks do for me. For example, DH is looking to take the kids camping for a few days by himself so that I get a breather. He's checked in with me about my schedule tonight, making sure I have time for homework so that I don't have to stay up till 11pm tomorrow night finishing it.

Once, on mother's day, MIL made one of my favorite dishes in the world. Even though most everyone else wouldn't eat it. That made me feel loved. She also will spend her energy doing things for me like making quilts. (DH just gets handed a check. LOL!)

Most of that, though, I'm assuming doesn't apply to your situation.

Only you know what sorts of free adult activities are in your area...Perhaps a joint outing to a farmers market? Visit to a free museum of some kind? Go to a library book talk? Nature/historical walks?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The best thing you do is either listen or say nothing.  When I came back from college one summer I found out a friend was going thru divorce.   EVERYONE was taking sides and clucking about it, they wanted me to join in too.  

I called my friend to hang out.  As we were driving to the mall she asked me if I had heard and if I planned on joining the peanut gallery. 

I told her that whatever is going on is her business.  If she wanted to talk I would listen.  If she wanted to pretend everything was fine I would do that too.  

My friend chose to pretend everything was fine and was grateful to have one aspect of her life where she didn't feel put under the microscope.

We talked about it some as time went by but while she was going thru it she wanted at least one person who would reserve judgement and just leave her alone.

[imawino]

Jun 8, 2017 8:49:26 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

My roommate and friend is having a hard time. I think the last few years have really caught up with her and she has started a relationship with someone many of her closest friends do not care for. I came home last night and we had a talk and she said she thought every one was talking about her, and said we were because we are concerned about her wellbeing (we being me and D.) so she got upset and said why are you going behind my back, I said I didn't, I told you the exact same thing last sat night sitting on the couch.


Ok anyway not really what this post was really meant to be about. I always find I try to cheer people up with money, like I will buy dinner or buy drinks etc. I am starting to feel like this is what my father did to me and I don't like it. What are other ways to show you care etc without throwing money at it. Of course I hugged her.

The simplest thing would be to do what she asked, and stop talking about her behind her back.  That seems to be what she needs and has pretty expressly said she wants.

[hoops902]

If you really listen, most people will tell you what they need/want from you. In her case, it seems to be "stop talking behind my back". You don't need to "do" anything, sometimes it's just not doing hurtful things like that.

[midjd]

I came home last night and we had a talk and she said she thought every one was talking about her, and said we were because we are concerned about her wellbeing (we being me and D.) so she got upset and said why are you going behind my back, I said I didn't, I told you the exact same thing last sat night sitting on the couch.

Was that the first time the issue had been raised -- the night before? How long had you and others been discussing it before she found out? 

There have been a couple of times in my life when my (well-intentioned) friends had some lengthy discussions about my choices long before they clued me in that they had any concerns. It's not a good feeling and generally leaves the impression that the people having the discussions are more interested in gossip than helping. 

I think an "I'm sorry if it seemed like we were gossiping about you behind your back. We were concerned, but the right thing to do would have been to bring it to you right away instead of discussing it among ourselves. I'm here if you need to talk, no judgment." would be a comfort. 

[Tiny]

To answer the "what's comforting that doesn't involve using money to do it" - it's the talking part (and being there to listen) that's important. Instead of going out to dinner - invite them over for dinner (or tea/coffee or ice cream). Have a drink out on your patio/deck.   You do the same "listen/talk"thing you would do if you went out for drinks/dinner.

Maybe invite them along to something you were going to do alone - the local city Garage Sale or make the effort to visit the local park or just go for a walk.   Sometimes just running errands together can be a good time 'talk'.    I car pool often with friends - so we often invite each other along if we are "making a trip" to some special shopping spot (to the  fancy store - like Whole Foods or the Goodwill and the second time around stores in the Ritzy suburb.) 

Or watching a TV show (movie whatever) together.

A friend and I sometimes make a special trip over to the fancy laundry-mat and have a good conversation while our "large" items (comforters, blankets, rugs, drapes, etc) are getting washed.  OK, that costs money - but it's also doing a chore AND it's kind of cathartic since everything washed is now fresh and clean again.

Again, the important part of all of this is the "talking" and "listening" and sometimes just the comradery of NOT talking just being together.

 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

You listen, or say nothing.

My sister is in the middle of a contentious divorce right now.  Her STBX is a shit, and I have known for awhile.  She asked me why no one said anything to her 20 years ago, and my comment to her was that "you were in love and not about to hear anything negative about your soon to be husband".  So I chose to try to spend time with my sister, and later her kids, and play nice to her husband because my love for my sister was greater than my detest of him.

Sometimes, just bring there is all that is needed.  That includes listening to them when they need to vent while picking up the pieces of their shattered life without saying "I told you so".

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And I wanted to say you did do something wrong. You talked about her behind her back. Gossip is still gossip even if you claim its out of concern. If you guys are as concerned as you claim all talk should have been to her face.

I refused to engage with our other friends in clucking behind my friend back. I didn't gossip with people who took his side either.

She never told me she was getting divorced. Other people told me and she knew it. She waited to see what I did.

I told her I knew about it but I wasn't going to comment based on gossip from other people. If she wanted to tell me and ask my opinion I'd give it. If she wanted me to myob I'd do that too.

And I kept my word. It pissed off the gossips but they're not the ones I'm still friends with today. That tells you something.

[naughtybear]

Well, I got a message from the guy last night asking me to check on her because she was sending him texts indicating suicide. When I was in Mexico I was able to messenger her a bit on fri evening, those messages got me too and I actually messaged another friend in Jax and asked her to check on her. Internet was spotty in Mexico in the resort. So I come home from mexico and she still seems off but she didn't have her daughter that week so I just keep an eye on her. Until what prompted this post, which was a melt down then me going to talk to another friend, Which led to a huge drama and him dumping her.

So she's drinking last night, apparently starts texting him and some of the texts prompt him to message me and ask me to check on her.

This comes right after a young girl I know actually did try to commit suicide (see my other post) last tues I believe. She baker acted herself. She swam into the St Johns but was rescued by a off duty police officer.

A few years back I was concerned about some posts from a friend in Dallas and I called for a welfare check on her when she stopped answering the phone. She didn't talk to me for years.

I've also just gone through this with my daughter at the beginning of the year.

So for those who say gossiping/clucking or whatever, no, it wasn't, it was friends highly concerned about another friend. You don't want to be that person that gets involved, don't be but this is my roommate and friend, and YES I am concerned. We weren't fricking drunk talking at the bar.

So apparently I can't discuss this with anyone. If anyone has any idea please pm I am not coming back to this thread because whatever I do some of you on here seem to take issue with everything I post, it get fucking old, it really does.


And I am already in trouble because even though I kept my conversation with him short and sweet, just the facts maam, she is going to be pissed he messaged me. Even though I didn't message him, I am going to get her anger should I decide to bring this up with her.

I also see she didn't go to work today.

[mskay]

i think you did the right thing.  You acted to save her life based on the information you had at the time.  I did not get that in your initial description.  I'm glad she is doing better and hopefully she will stop being angry.  The only thing you can do is to keep being her friend.

[hoops902]

There's a big difference between talking about a friend to other friends who might be suicidal and checking on them...and talking about a friend to other friends because you don't care for her choice in men as portrayed in the initial post.

As per usual, anytime people disagree with OP the story changes drastically.