whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 10, 2017 21:58:29 GMT -5
It was a HUGE deal to my husband, he is very very traditional. On one hand, I am glad I changed it bc it's just easier for me this way - everyone has the same last night. I am lazy, so it works On another hand- just like thyme4change - my last name is dead. I did make it my middle name, but who really cares. This was the second issue that was a HUGE deal to my husband. The first one was for me calling his parents "mom" and "dad". That never happened and never will. I certainly don't think it has to be required by law, but I do think it's nice and easy when everyone in the family has the same last name. But of course, I have no experience with blended families - that can probably get a bit complicated
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Feb 10, 2017 22:14:46 GMT -5
No! It does harm people - the people who HEAR the last name - because if they are introduced to a woman and they see she has a wedding ring they cannot ASSUME her Husband is Mr. Lastname... OMG the embarrassment!!! How awful!!!
Think about it. You are introduced to a woman as Ms. Surname. What do you do? Is she married? Is she single? How can you know how to treat her? Who knows ? And that last name - Surname - it sez NOTHING about her ethnic background - how do you know if you should look down your nose at her? OMG! What an awkward social situation...
So, you meet this woman and you discreetly check for a wedding ring - if she's got one - how do you know how to address her husband - is he Mr. Surname or Mr. SomeOtherSurname.... and you know NOTHING about HIS ethnic background -- OMG! What if he's someone you aren't suppose to like - and you've been friendly to his wife... how HORRIBLE.
If you don't see a wedding ring - she must not be married so if you are a guy she's totally 'free game' and you can put whatever moves you want on her... who cares what her last name is (or what ethnic background she might be... no one's gonna put up a fuss...
See, LOTS of people face embarrassment and social discomfort and a general feeling of being out of control when they can't reliably TELL the SOCIAL STATUS of a woman....
OMG! You're right! I totally missed that aspect of this dire social issue. How can the fabric of society remain intact if women are allowed to have any autonomy in determining what their name should be?
I guess being so socially awkward myself that I just try to focus on treating people decently in the hope that they will overlook my awkwardness and weirdness and be sort of decent to me in return has interfered with developing the ability to read important social clues.
![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/rofl.gif) Thank you... I needed a good laugh!! I feel like a quote from the original Ghostbusters about cats and dogs living together should go here... but I'm still laughing. Thank you!!!
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Feb 11, 2017 0:13:22 GMT -5
I kept my name, she kept hers but our daughter have my last name.
I am Carl A. But have been called Carl S. If I go somewhere she has been first or the person met her first and they assumed we have the same last name. -> if I have to sign legal documents I usually correct them and tell them my wife kept her maiden name and my last name is A. -> if it is people I am meeting for the day, acquaintance and what not... I go by Carl S. Who gives a damn!
My wife does the same, she answered to both Mrs. S and Mrs A, and only corrects them if she will need to sign a paper or put her name down on a legal document.
I am guessing my daughter will probably do the same, Carlie A when she is with me and Carlie S when she is introduced with her mom.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Feb 11, 2017 1:38:22 GMT -5
I will say that my mom kept her name, and 30-odd years ago it was a real pain in the ass. One time I remember they would not release me from (a new) school to my mom because she had a different last name. It took hours and my dad had to come from a business meeting in a different city before they would release me. And this was when I was 8 or 9, so CLEARLY old enough to state that this person was my mother.
Whereas I planned to change my name, sort of half changed my name (I had a drivers license for a while with DH's name) but never bothered to change it for my bills, passport, SS, work, etc. When I lost my wallet with my license a couple years ago I just went back to my name only when I replaced it. I've never had an issue with either of my daughters not having my name. Doctors offices, schools, birth certificates, no one cares or has any issues with it.
DH kind of whined about it for a while because he assumed I'd change my name (as, you know, I'd said I planned to) and he comes from a traditional family. Once I decided not to and explained why he got it and it hasn't been an issue.
I get called by my last name, DH's last name, and combos thereof. None of it bothers me. As a family we call ourselves the Van De Balls (not actual name) as a combo of everyone's names.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 11, 2017 6:41:30 GMT -5
I use DH's last name on everything not legal.
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mamasita99
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Post by mamasita99 on Feb 11, 2017 7:01:21 GMT -5
I will say that my mom kept her name, and 30-odd years ago it was a real pain in the ass. One time I remember they would not release me from (a new) school to my mom because she had a different last name. It took hours and my dad had to come from a business meeting in a different city before they would release me. And this was when I was 8 or 9, so CLEARLY old enough to state that this person was my mother. Whereas I planned to change my name, sort of half changed my name (I had a drivers license for a while with DH's name) but never bothered to change it for my bills, passport, SS, work, etc. When I lost my wallet with my license a couple years ago I just went back to my name only when I replaced it. I've never had an issue with either of my daughters not having my name. Doctors offices, schools, birth certificates, no one cares or has any issues with it. DH kind of whined about it for a while because he assumed I'd change my name (as, you know, I'd said I planned to) and he comes from a traditional family. Once I decided not to and explained why he got it and it hasn't been an issue. I get called by my last name, DH's last name, and combos thereof. None of it bothers me. As a family we call ourselves the Van De Balls (not actual name) as a combo of everyone's names. Van De Balls! Got my first laugh of the morning, thanks!
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Feb 11, 2017 7:23:59 GMT -5
I changed mine. I don't remember the paperwork being a big deal and I'm not important enough at work I guess for a name change to be a big impact.
I don't think DH would have cared if I kept my maiden name but with kids, I like having the same last name as them and I personally don't like hyphenated names. Sometimes I'm a little traditional.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Feb 11, 2017 8:01:24 GMT -5
link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12147-016-9182-5This is from the source article. The name change is part of the larger picture. Racism, sexixm and all the other ism's aren't about actual problems they are about someone needing to be better than someone else simply because of how they were born because if they had to actually do something to be better clearly they wouldn't.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 11, 2017 9:14:05 GMT -5
I changed mine. I don't remember the paperwork being a big deal and I'm not important enough at work I guess for a name change to be a big impact. I don't think DH would have cared if I kept my maiden name but with kids, I like having the same last name as them and I personally don't like hyphenated names. Sometimes I'm a little traditional. You did what works for you, and I did what works for me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 9:17:28 GMT -5
I will say that my mom kept her name, and 30-odd years ago it was a real pain in the ass. One time I remember they would not release me from (a new) school to my mom because she had a different last name. It took hours and my dad had to come from a business meeting in a different city before they would release me. And this was when I was 8 or 9, so CLEARLY old enough to state that this person was my mother. I took DS into NYC when he was 5 to get him a passport. (DS is now 32, so same time frame.) I was surprised when they wanted MY ID, and even more surprised when they asked who the heck I was. Ummm, the fact that he kept addressing me as "mom" might be a hint? I hadn't realized that DS' birth certificate was the "short form" and thus did not have parents' names on it. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/angry.png) No passport for him that day. The next attempt, I went into the local passport office with DH (first husband, DS' father), my ID and our marriage license. I was going to sign the papers and the guy asked DH, "Do you have the same last name as the kid?" Yes. "Then you sign it". Heck, I could have brought in any guy of plausible age with the same last name to sign the papers.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Feb 11, 2017 9:40:22 GMT -5
I hated my maiden name. No one could ever spell it correctly or pronounce it. It also rhymed with some not so nice words. Even when I was young I vowed to marry someone with a very common name. My 2 serious boyfriends had last names of Jones and Smith. I chose the Smith. Problem solved.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Feb 11, 2017 9:45:02 GMT -5
I changed mine. I don't remember the paperwork being a big deal and I'm not important enough at work I guess for a name change to be a big impact. I don't think DH would have cared if I kept my maiden name but with kids, I like having the same last name as them and I personally don't like hyphenated names. Sometimes I'm a little traditional. You did what works for you, and I did what works for me.
Yup. I know plenty of couples where the names differ. I usually address things as to the "last name last name family". NBD
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Feb 11, 2017 9:53:31 GMT -5
I will say that my mom kept her name, and 30-odd years ago it was a real pain in the ass. One time I remember they would not release me from (a new) school to my mom because she had a different last name. It took hours and my dad had to come from a business meeting in a different city before they would release me. And this was when I was 8 or 9, so CLEARLY old enough to state that this person was my mother. Whereas I planned to change my name, sort of half changed my name (I had a drivers license for a while with DH's name) but never bothered to change it for my bills, passport, SS, work, etc. When I lost my wallet with my license a couple years ago I just went back to my name only when I replaced it. I've never had an issue with either of my daughters not having my name. Doctors offices, schools, birth certificates, no one cares or has any issues with it. DH kind of whined about it for a while because he assumed I'd change my name (as, you know, I'd said I planned to) and he comes from a traditional family. Once I decided not to and explained why he got it and it hasn't been an issue. I get called by my last name, DH's last name, and combos thereof. None of it bothers me. As a family we call ourselves the Van De Balls (not actual name) as a combo of everyone's names. Van De Balls! Got my first laugh of the morning, thanks! Not our ACTUAL name. But since I used Ball as the example above I felt compelled to continue.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Feb 11, 2017 9:56:37 GMT -5
link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12147-016-9182-5This is from the source article. The name change is part of the larger picture. Racism, sexixm and all the other ism's aren't about actual problems they are about someone needing to be better than someone else simply because of how they were born because if they had to actually do something to be better clearly they wouldn't. Not changing your name was an explicit feminist act when it gained steam. It makes all kinds of sense that in general it acts as a proxy for gender attitudes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 10:33:45 GMT -5
I hated my maiden name. No one could ever spell it correctly or pronounce it. It also rhymed with some not so nice words. Even when I was young I vowed to marry someone with a very common name. My 2 serious boyfriends had last names of Jones and Smith. I chose the Smith. Problem solved. One of my friends also hated her maiden name- no obscene connotations, but just obscure and she got tired of spelling it for people. She married a guy whose last name was Harris. She was happy to take his name.
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ners
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Post by ners on Feb 11, 2017 10:55:34 GMT -5
I had a very short hard to pronounce last name. Took my husband's name. When I got divorced my attorney said if I wanted to go back to my maiden name now was the time. I wrote the name on a piece of paper turned it around and asked him to pronounce. When I told him how to say it the name he said keep your married name.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 11, 2017 12:36:02 GMT -5
I'm not clicking the link. Of the "70% of Americans", how many were women? If it is significant, then that is good news for men to whom it is important as they should have good odds of finding a like minded woman.
It was important to me at first, but I've made peace since. DW only gets bothered by mixups if it is by someone who should know better (relatives whom we've corrected many many times).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 11, 2017 14:55:50 GMT -5
Van De Balls! Got my first laugh of the morning, thanks! Not our ACTUAL name. But since I used Ball as the example above I felt compelled to continue. We know but still funny!!!
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Feb 11, 2017 15:07:07 GMT -5
I have a long, hard-to-pronounce Russian name. however, it's MY name.
Even if taking my husband's name was de rigueur here, I wouldn't. I'm not Mrs.Husband.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Feb 11, 2017 15:48:38 GMT -5
link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12147-016-9182-5I think we need a new law. Anytime a couple gets married the man legally has to change his name. If it is just about being easier for the family to have one name or to get an easier to spell or pronounce name it should make everyone just as happy.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Feb 11, 2017 17:14:51 GMT -5
I took my husband's last name when we married because we wanted children and I liked the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name. I don't dislike my maiden name but I wasn't going to hyphenate because being from the UK it is viewed a little differently.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Feb 11, 2017 19:39:28 GMT -5
I use DH's last name on everything not legal. You can still change it. If you like it take it!
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 11, 2017 20:16:38 GMT -5
link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12147-016-9182-5I think we need a new law. Anytime a couple gets married the man legally has to change his name. If it is just about being easier for the family to have one name or to get an easier to spell or pronounce name it should make everyone just as happy. I've always thought this when a man (and it's always a man, I've never heard a woman try to explain this) is explaining to me why it's just easier and better for everyone in the family if there's a family leader who is in charge, that it's really not sexist that it's the man... it's just an equal role that God has put him in. My thought has always been - if it's just best for the family to have a leader and there's nothing sexist about it, since it seems so important to this guy that there be a leader and it doesn't seem as important to the woman, then maybe the guy should bite the bullet and be the one to passively submit. You know, since it's just better if the family has a leader...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 11, 2017 20:19:55 GMT -5
I use DH's last name on everything not legal. You can still change it. If you like it take it! I know but wouldn't it be weird after the fact?
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justme
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Post by justme on Feb 11, 2017 20:23:49 GMT -5
link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12147-016-9182-5I think we need a new law. Anytime a couple gets married the man legally has to change his name. If it is just about being easier for the family to have one name or to get an easier to spell or pronounce name it should make everyone just as happy. I've always thought this when a man (and it's always a man, I've never heard a woman try to explain this) is explaining to me why it's just easier and better for everyone in the family if there's a family leader who is in charge, that it's really not sexist that it's the man... it's just an equal role that God has put him in. My thought has always been - if it's just best for the family to have a leader and there's nothing sexist about it, since it seems so important to this guy that there be a leader and it doesn't seem as important to the woman, then maybe the guy should bite the bullet and be the one to passively submit. You know, since it's just better if the family has a leader... And that's why I have such a hard time with guys that mention religion on their dating profiles. I'll stay single rather than some long dead guy tell me to differ to hypothetical husband just cuz he has a dick.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 21:00:51 GMT -5
I changed my last name to my husband's upon marriage in 1973. Part of me didn't want to, but another part of me did because that meant escape from the racism my last name often produced and the limitations I faced because of it. We always knew we would not have children so there was no issue there. I was just not in a place of strength on this issue at that time. DH would have 100% supported me on keeping my name or seeking a hyphenated alternative, and still would.
Names are labels and labels can and do limit those wearing them. Labels can also create community and belonging. It's all about what a name represents.
We have many friends in relationships who bear different names for a multitude of reasons - professional identity, legal recognition of their marriage, concerns about children from prior relationships, etc. Over the decades I've worn so many stick-on nametags at so many professional functions, only to peel them off and toss them away at the end of the event. The Sharpie-created name there was never the real me, only the convenient identifier for a moment in time.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Feb 12, 2017 13:21:17 GMT -5
You can still change it. If you like it take it! I know but wouldn't it be weird after the fact? Who cares? He was your husband and the love of your life. Too bad for anyone who doesn't understand.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 12, 2017 13:31:37 GMT -5
I suppose so. I wish I'd done it while he was still alive but I procrastinated too. We both ran out of time.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 12, 2017 21:34:14 GMT -5
I took ex's name. I am pretty traditional so I didn't like the thought of my children having a different last name than me. I have since divorced and still have his name for two reasons: I still don't like the idea of having a different last name than my children; I married in college so my entire professional existence is as Mrs. Ex
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Feb 12, 2017 22:55:50 GMT -5
If I were ever to get married again, I'd be up for making up a new last name altogether! My last name is apparently very hard to spell or pronounce correctly, and fairly rare in the states (I really loved France where they all knew it!).
I took my husband's name when I got married, and thought it would be better, easy to say, easy to spell, but then everyone would ask "are you related to (rich family in town)?"-- I/in-laws were not. I'd also get emails at work for a woman with the same name, who worked in HR or something, and would get some very personal information filled emails. Now that I went back to my maiden name, at least the answer is always "yes" whenever I'm asked if I'm related to someone with the same last name.
Anyway, I'd totally encourage my son and his possible future SO to make up their own last name if they didn't want to "take his" or "take hers" but still share one.
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