Parenting Post.

[naughtybear]

I'm tired, I'm exhausted and I just don't know what to do. The fact that I had no family to count on when my kids where little enabled me to have my moments of self doubts in private.

It's getting to the point of disaster, I may have to take Scar from my daughter. At first I was encouraging and supportive...everything will be ok etc. Now I am really concerned for her well being and Scar's

As I said I'm tired, and I'm angry. Ex H left me with all the child rearing and I'm still doing it, he got to fuck off as usual.

[Deleted]

Is the baby in physical danger?

[Sharon]

I thought your DD was in school and working at a bank.  Did everything come crashing down recently?

[suesinfl]

I know you may not want to go into too many details, but I think we need more information to be able to help. I hope that it is just the stress of the holidays.

[naughtybear]

Well Scar is not kept clean, she failed her two classes this term. I think she is close to a mental breakdown, I'm not totally sure why.

Scar was always kept clean and well dressed, it sounds silly but she got dropped of at my house with no shoes and dirty clothes. She's yelling at her all the time. Something is happening and I don't know what to do.

[Opti]

I think we need some details. Even thinking out loud about taking a baby from its Mom is serious. And complaining about a grandfather not doing parenting seems over the top. Its the parents job to parent Scar. Not Grandma and Grandpa. MO.

[naughtybear]

I also hate to say this, she is danger of neglect but I'm not sure about physical danger but at this point I don't know..I know I have my hysterics and outbursts here but in RL I am solid as a rock.

[naughtybear]

It's the parents job to parent, he never parented too much. I can't help to not feel angry, it's just what it is. I  am not going to gloss over the fact I am angry.

[naughtybear]

She's asked me to take Scar. She is being quite open with her failings/mental state. It has me crying at night.

What did I/we do wrong...all these feelings yanno. LOL I don't do feelings very well.

[Opti]

Dec 21, 2016 20:42:13 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

It's the parents job to parent, he never parented too much. I can't help to not feel angry, it's just what it is. I  am not going to gloss over the fact I am angry.

You are angry, I get that. But at the wrong thing and the wrong person. Grandpa isn't in this, he shouldn't have to be. Being dirty one day is not that big of a deal. If it happens a lot of course there is more to worry about. It does not sound like you are angry at your daughter.

[CCL]

Sorry. Are you able to take the baby for a while? May be a temporary solution, but might give you all a chance to figure out the best options going forward.

[CCL]

Have you tried talking to your daughter, expressing your concerns? If so, what does she say?

[Opti]

Dec 21, 2016 20:44:59 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

She's asked me to take Scar. She is being quite open with her failings/mental state. It has me crying at night.

What did I/we do wrong...all these feelings yanno. LOL I don't do feelings very well.

Asked you to take her how? Could this just be end of the year or holiday drama? She's a young single Mom. You know what went wrong - she was too young, got pregnant with the wrong guy and wasn't financially set. Ugly patches are to be expected.

[msventoux]

I'm not a parent, but her being open about her failings as a parent is a good thing, I think.  It means she's aware there are problems and there's hope that she can figure things out or figure out how to get the help she needs to make a better life for her and her daughter. 

The ones that scare the crap out of me are the ones who are completely disconnected from reality and think everything's fine, it's normal to basically completely neglect the kids, or they just don't give a crap about their kids.  I know far too many people who are grandparents who are dealing with kids and grandkids the same ages as yours, and the kids are in complete denial about how bad things are. 

[busymom]

Maybe your DD just needs a mental health day (or two). I know it's finals week at some of the colleges here, & some of DD's friends who are still in school are quite frazzled right now.

Just breathe. You know YOU can handle a baby, at least for a short while. If after a couple days, DD doesn't seem to want to take back her role as Mother, then it's time to contact some professionals to see what's next. For now, you've got a clean & happy baby.

[Sharon]

Does your area have relief nurseries?  We have a couple around here.  At least in this area there purpose is to help parents learn to be parents and to keep the children with the parents.  They will help with babysitting to give the parents a chance to take a short break.  They have parenting classes.  There is also a pantry to help with supplies if money is tight, diapers, wipes etc. 

Rather than you stepping in and taking over why don't you help her find the tools she needs to be a good parent.  It doesn't sound like the baby is in imminent danger, rather Mom is overwhelmed.  She might be more receptive to the message if it comes from a 3rd party.  If she learns now to be an effective parent everyone will be better off in the end.

Also don't take her venting as meaning you need to step in.  Everyone needs to blow steam now and again and you would be the easiest person for her vent to.

[suesinfl]

Like busymom said, it's finals' time and those times are very stressful. It's also a very busy time at her work and if Scar's father is not being involved, it is no wonder why she is so stressed.

Dirty is subjective, don't be judgmental, if Scar is not in danger. Be thankful that your DD has you to depend on at this time in her life. If DD starts to depend on you more and more and Scar is being neglected, then it is time to action.

Do the best that you can but don't over react and remember to breath.

[naughtybear]

Thank you thank you thank, thanks for not making me feel like a loser. I knew y'all would say something I hadn't thought of and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. She withdrew from one class, and actually failed the second I think that is really weighing on her more than I thought. Add in a new job (that is customer service escalation) with evening hours (so I have bebe in the evenings) I think she is feeling a little unsure about things.

I was trying to manage the situation and really wasn't thinking about what she was feeling or why.

Oh and the holiday season with all the expectations.

She is going to the Doc on friday, so maybe some medication is in order. She says her anxiety is terrible.

[raeoflyte]

I think you're really jumping the gun on "taking" the baby.  I know you didn't have family help when you're kids were little and your daughter has you, but as I recall you did get to stay home with your kids.  I'm not sure you can relate to what your daughter is going through.  Your daughter is working full time, in school part time, and raising her 2 year old. Between working a swing shift and getting up early I feel 100% justified in saying she's exhausted by the time she's picking the kiddo up from you and that isn't anyone's best hour.  Its hard not to get frustrated and yell when its late at night, the kids are either cranky or wired and I'm cranky and tired too.

If you really think the baby needs more care, I'd ask your daughter to move in with you.  Then you'd be a full time support to both her and your granddaughter.  

My parents are always telling me how much I have going on and not to beat myself up over all the things I forget, and the things I don't get done.  Their emotional support is so much more important than the physical support they provide in babysitting.  If your daughter is having a hard time, I think it would be great if you could try to focus on the things she's doing well and tell her that too.  

[naughtybear]

Maybe you didn't read (not surprising happens quite often) she asked me.

 I'm also not sure why you think I didn't work at all when I have stated many times I have worked as my kids were growing up. I worked when my ex was in the Navy and on the ship for 6 months at a time.

I worked when he was establishing his career and was travelling to CA and WA and NC for months at a time.

I think I stopped working full time when the kids where around 6 and 8.

[raeoflyte]

Dec 22, 2016 13:02:31 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

Maybe you didn't read (not surprising happens quite often) she asked me.

 I'm also not sure why you think I didn't work at all when I have stated many times I have worked as my kids were growing up. I worked when my ex was in the Navy and on the ship for 6 months at a time.

I worked when he was establishing his career and was travelling to CA and WA and NC for months at a time.

I think I stopped working full time when the kids where around 6 and 8.

My advice still stands.  Ask her to move in with you.  Sounds like she is having a really tough time.  It's hard for me to believe that she really wants you to adopt her child after everything you have said she is working on.  I think she is feeling like a failure and needs some reassurance from you instead of anger and judgement.  And if you're able to help more (because you want to, not because you have to), that is the best gift in the world to tired parents.  

[raeoflyte]

Can you go to the doctors appointment with your daughter?  

Next time she is over, or see if you can schedule a time to sit down with her and just ask her how she is and what she thinks she needs.  Did she fail/withdraw all of her classes (so going part time and didn't get through any of it), or trying for full time and passed part of them?  I have a spouse who works part time and does a lot of kid stuff, the most helpful and involved parents and sister in the world to help me out and trying to combine a full time + job along with going to school is about to do me in.  If I were a single mom with no help from dad, I could totally see me breaking down to my mom focusing on everything I was failing at and feeling like she would be a better person to raise my kids.  Doesn't mean I would actually mean take my kids away from me.  

If she showed up once without shoes and in dirty clothes...I just can't say that's neglect or even on the path to neglect.  I'm the mom that forgot something for ice skating lessons every single week for a month.  At one point, pulling into the parking lot, turning around and looking at my son and yelling, "are you in shorts?!? Of course you're in shorts.  I gave you shorts this morning!?!"  Because I had literally thrown shorts at him to put on for the day, not thinking about the rest of our day.  

If there is a huge other back story here, then that could change things, but based on this thread and prior ones, I think your daughter (and you) are probably just hitting a super emotional time and will power through without anything so drastic as changing custody.  

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Such a struggle. My sister--fours years younger--had a baby when she was 22. Around the time my niece was four years old, my sister felt like she couldn't do the parenting thing anymore. She asked me if I would take my niece. My kids were eight and twelve by that point. DH and I agreed we would take my niece, but the deal was that we would keep her for the entire school year. There wouldn't be going back and forth during the week nor changing schools. If we were going to to raise her--even for a portion of her childhood--she was going to have the structure that we lived by. My sister realized that she didn't want to give up her baby, but part of the comfort she had was knowing that she could if she had too--that her daughter had a safe place to go. Just having that relief of having a back-up plan gave her the fortitude of staying with it. I realize Scarlett isn't in school yet, but that's how we handled it when we were asked. 


I agree with the concept of having your daugter and granddaughter move in with you.