how do you deal with someone Schadenfreude on you?

[Rukh O'Rorke]

So, I've had a minor setback. Nothing either big, or important, or even my fault, but it was a big disappointment. And then I moved on to things within my control that I can work on.

Some one who I have mentored and gotten a job in the field, got an accolade I was hoping for, but rather than just be happy with it, she can't stop pivoting in the middle of talking about it, to tell me what I did wrong, or what she did right, and honestly there is a lot of luck of the draw in it. 

[msventoux]

Stop talking about it?  Have prepackaged responses when she brings it up?  "That's nice."  "Haven't we already gone over this?"  "Is there any reason we need to revisit this?  Now what about our project of...."

[honeysalt]

She only has as much power as you give her.  Your current responses are probably letting her know she gets under your skin, which is why she keeps coming back for more.

At this point, I wouldn't even acknowledge what she is saying.  Just respond with a "So, back to the X task."

[Rukh O'Rorke]

actually, I haven't given her anything via responses. I'm just mild and neutral, maybe say one or two things and then try to talk about something else. It really is such a small thing! there isn't that much to say.

I am a bit embarrassed I recommended her for the job now I see this side of her, though - and hope it doesn't back fire on me.

[obelisk]

So, I've had a minor setback. Nothing either big, or important, or even my fault, but it was a big disappointment. And then I moved on to things within my control that I can work on.

Let it go, if not, you are the problem, the people you can control is you.  If you are asking for answers at 40+ years of life.  I really want to hear the other side of the equation.

My recommendation is onward and forward.

[Works4me]

I'd be just a tad superior - after all, you recommended her and have helped her a lot - that shows that you are good at spotting talent, training others, and managing people - so I'd be just a bit "How nice for you," but then I'm a bitch that way sometimes and I don't always play well with others when they are being smug show offs.

[swamp]

I'd tell her to get over herself.  But I'm not nice. 

[rob base]

For the future just remember nice guys finish last. Something I had to learn recently too. Not worth it to help people IMO.

Also If she ever asks for help / mentorship again I would say "no, I don't think an "X" award winner needs my help" (but I am petty that way)

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Oct 24, 2016 20:00:38 GMT -5 rob base said:

For the future just remember nice guys finish last. Something I had to learn recently too. Not worth it to help people IMO.

Also If she ever asks for help / mentorship again I would say "no, I don't think an "X" award winner needs my help" (but I am petty that way)

You've hit the nail on the head here, really.

I've had so little mentorship in my career, and there is a lot of press on the lack of mentorship for women in professional roles. I wanted to be someone who was willing to go out of their way to help someone professionally.

But I guess maybe it is "not worth it to help people".

Maybe that's why people don't mentor so much? 

[tskeeter]

Oct 24, 2016 19:20:40 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

So, I've had a minor setback. Nothing either big, or important, or even my fault, but it was a big disappointment. And then I moved on to things within my control that I can work on.

Some one who I have helped, mentored, and gotten a job in the field, got an accolade I was hoping for, and is over the moon about it. Which, good for her.

But rather than just be happy with it, she can't stop pivoting in the middle of talking about it, to tell me what I did wrong, or what she did right, and honestly there is a lot of luck of the draw in it. There is another one next year that I said I planned on applying for, and rather than say anything neutral, forget encouraging, she immediately made some statement indicating that I'd still be behind.


I can't believe this, to be honest. I've helped her so much, and as I write this I'm feeling a bit like All About Eve. 

I have to finish up a project with her (she works with one of our clients - I recommended her) and after that there will be ongoing contact, so I can neither tell her what I think nor cut ties.

Has anything like this happened to you? How did you handle it - when you couldn't get away?

On the other hand, it is rather amusing - because it wasn't that big a deal! But now, all I want to ask is "are you an adult or not?"

Hard not to be envious when someone gets the pat in the back we wanted.  However, when we put on our big kid pants, and think about what the mentee has to say about why they think they were selected, maybe there are some lessons we can learn about self promotion and climbing the ladder of success.  Of course, the mentee might just as easily be full of it.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

meanwhile - apparently I'm dead!

[msventoux]

And I just infected Swamp and Sarah...woohoo! 

[rob base]

Oct 24, 2016 20:12:40 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

meanwhile - apparently I'm dead!

R u gonna be a zombie for Halloween?

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Oct 24, 2016 20:19:05 GMT -5 rob base said:

Oct 24, 2016 20:12:40 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

meanwhile - apparently I'm dead!

R u gonna be a zombie for Halloween?

I've been one for years 

[Rukh O'Rorke]

I'm alive!


Alive!!!

[Works4me]

Cool - what does that mean?

OT - or maybe not - I'm looking for a new cover for my iPad and found one I love but just can't quite get - white writing in black - "I'm not always a bitch - just kidding - go fuck yourself."

For some strange reason I happen to believe that people have the right to go to a coffee shop and not be exposed to profanity - children too. But I like it!

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Oct 24, 2016 20:54:07 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Cool - what does that mean?

OT - or maybe not - I'm looking for a new cover for my iPad and found one I love but just can't quite get - white writing in black - "I'm not always a bitch - just kidding - go fuck yourself."

For some strange reason I happen to believe that people have the right to go to a coffee shop and not be exposed to profanity - children too. But I like it!

I died.

I was reborn

and now I'm infected again!

Sometimes, a momma just can't win!

[MJ2.0]

I'd be joking (somewhat) that the award is really half mine since I was her mentor.

[janee]

Oct 24, 2016 19:56:30 GMT -5 Works4me said:

I'd be just a tad superior - after all, you recommended her and have helped her a lot - that shows that you are good at spotting talent, training others, and managing people - so I'd be just a bit "How nice for you," but then I'm a bitch that way sometimes and I don't always play well with others when they are being smug show offs.

I would take it a little further..."I am so proud of you"  "When I think of how far you've come, I'm very happy for you"  "I remember my first (recognition), it feels great doesn't it?"  etc.

Hopefully she'll calm down soon.  Sorry you didn't get it.

[jitterbug]

Maybe she keeps bringing it up because she needs a "volley" back from you?  My husband isn't very good at responding in conversations, especially if it's just me jabbering - and I've realized that when he doesn't respond, I tend to repeat myself later and I think it's because 1) without a response from him, I FORGET that I've already said this and 2) I'm still WANTING a response from him!  So maybe she's the same?  Will it stop if you go "I've very happy for you!" or "I'm so glad I recommended you for this recognition!" or something?