would you talk to the other parent.

[swamp]

On Sunday, I took DD and a friend of her choice to a certain place to celebrate DD's birthday. The day consisted of lunch at the food court at the mall, a few hours at a children's museum type place, and then dinner. The friend, E, is 8 and in DD's class. Also takes figure skating with her.

DD's friend is a little witch.  I asked her to do something, she told me no.  Several times.  She stuck her tongue out at me and then smiled afterwards.  She was demanding about wanting what she wanted now.  No please, no thank you. 

DS is friends with the girls older brother, and he is not like that at all.   He's a nice kid. 

DH and I decided not to say anything to the parents because we don't think it would do anything.    I don't know if her mother is snotty or just quiet, I can't tell. 

If it was my kid, I would want to know.

What say you, YMers?

[zibazinski]

Nope but I would definitely not let my daughter be around her.

[zibazinski]

How did your daughter react to this child's behavior ? 

[swamp]

I can't really keep her away, but I can refuse to allow her to go on field trips with us.

[lexxy703]

I probably would have told the mom when I dropped her off that this would be the last outing she was invited to join us on due to her attitude.

(I don't have kids so grain of salt & all)

[swamp]

Oct 18, 2016 11:59:07 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

How did your daughter react to this child's behavior ? 

When she saw it, she looked at her like she had 2 heads.

[zibazinski]

You can do a lot to curtail your daughter being around her. Not at school if she's in her class but you can handle that next year.

[swamp]

Oct 18, 2016 12:01:09 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

You can do a lot to curtail your daughter being around her. Not at school if she's in her class but you can handle that next year.

afterschool program. figure skating. sunday school. soccer. I'm not taking her out of those things.

I will react accordingly if she adopts the attitude.

[Deleted]

I probably wouldn't say anything to the parents, but I think I'd have given the girl a rundown of the behavior expectations at my house and when out with us.  She can choose to follow them or not, but if not, she would not be invited back.

[swamp]

Oct 18, 2016 12:06:12 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Oct 18, 2016 12:03:23 GMT -5 swamp said:

afterschool program. figure skating. sunday school. soccer. I'm not taking her out of those things.

I will react accordingly if she adopts the attitude.

Does she act like a brat during these other times?   If no, then I'd ask the other parent "Hey was bratty mcbrattykins having a bad day on Saturday?  Why you ask,  well she wasn't listening,  was demanding, and stuck her tongue out at me not in a joking way"   "Oh you say nothing out of the ordinary... ok then."

There has been one other instance at DD's birthday party last year.   DD also mentions some bratty things E has done.  I regularly tell DD that she needs to tell E to STFU.  Not in those words exactly.    

I don't see her during the other stuff. I'm not there.

But I think barring her from seeing E would be counterproductive.   DD wants what she can't have.   I'll just encourage other friends, and continue to talk about appropriate behaviors.  

[swamp]

Oct 18, 2016 12:11:14 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I probably wouldn't say anything to the parents, but I think I'd have given the girl a rundown of the behavior expectations at my house and when out with us.  She can choose to follow them or not, but if not, she would not be invited back.

she will not be invited back.   

[milee]

I wouldn't talk to the other parents unless I knew them really well.  And even then, I'd have to think long and hard about whether I'd risk it.  With your daughter being in so many activities with her, it's likely your daughter will be around her parents and some can be very vindictive.

If they're good parents, they'll already be aware of her behavior and will be working on it.  If they're not good parents, they'll deny it, be angry with you and maybe be jerks to your daughter.


On a separate note, I have no problem calling out kids who misbehave when they're with me.  Most kids behave with me, but if one did try to be rude, I'd talk to him/her about it right then and there.  Very calm and clear - just let them know this is not how we act.

[swamp]

Oct 18, 2016 12:27:47 GMT -5 milee said:

I wouldn't talk to the other parents unless I knew them really well.  And even then, I'd have to think long and hard about whether I'd risk it.  With your daughter being in so many activities with her, it's likely your daughter will be around her parents and some can be very vindictive.

If they're good parents, they'll already be aware of her behavior and will be working on it.  If they're not good parents, they'll deny it, be angry with you and maybe be jerks to your daughter.


On a separate note, I have no problem calling out kids who misbehave when they're with me.  Most kids behave with me, but if one did try to be rude, I'd talk to him/her about it right then and there.  Very calm and clear - just let them know this is not how we act.

I did call her out. she did not listen,. that's when the tongue came out. For the child's safety, I walked away. At that point, I realized correcting her would be fruitless.

[giramomma]

Well, in our circles, when the parents exchange/retrieve kids, we always ask "How did it go." It's the start of the idle parent chit-chat ritual to take up time while we wait for kids to finish whatever they are doing.

And, parents report how it went..ourselves included.

Behavior like you are describing, if it happens all the time, I can see parents saying something. I would say something..But, we are all honest in that we all know our kids aren't perfect angels all the time.

We also have learned to lay out rules of behavior when the kids are over, and give a few rule reminders when they are going down the path of getting out of hand.

But, if no one asks, I'd probably not offer, unless you have her over and she's behaving in such a way that could lead to damage to herself, your DD, or your home.

[milee]

Oct 18, 2016 12:30:44 GMT -5 swamp said:

Oct 18, 2016 12:27:47 GMT -5 milee said:

I wouldn't talk to the other parents unless I knew them really well.  And even then, I'd have to think long and hard about whether I'd risk it.  With your daughter being in so many activities with her, it's likely your daughter will be around her parents and some can be very vindictive.

If they're good parents, they'll already be aware of her behavior and will be working on it.  If they're not good parents, they'll deny it, be angry with you and maybe be jerks to your daughter.


On a separate note, I have no problem calling out kids who misbehave when they're with me.  Most kids behave with me, but if one did try to be rude, I'd talk to him/her about it right then and there.  Very calm and clear - just let them know this is not how we act.

I did call her out. she did not listen,. that's when the tongue came out. For the child's safety, I walked away. At that point, I realized correcting her would be fruitless.

Gotcha.  I guess I'm a mean mom because at that point I would explain that if the behavior didn't change immediately we were going home.  And we would.

Not sure you need to try to warn your daughter or prevent your daughter from seeing this kid.  Sounds like your daughter totally understands this kid's behavior is not OK; you might even be able to use some of the stuff as discussion points.  Your daughter gets this kid is a jerk.  If you don't set her up as tempting forbidden fruit, I'm guessing your daughter will slowly drift away without you having to do a thing.

[swamp]

 I just dropped her off and watched her walk in the house. I did not talk to the parents.

[swamp]

Oct 18, 2016 12:38:52 GMT -5 milee said:

Oct 18, 2016 12:30:44 GMT -5 swamp said:

I did call her out. she did not listen,. that's when the tongue came out. For the child's safety, I walked away. At that point, I realized correcting her would be fruitless.

Gotcha.  I guess I'm a mean mom because at that point I would explain that if the behavior didn't change immediately we were going home.  And we would.

Not sure you need to try to warn your daughter or prevent your daughter from seeing this kid.  Sounds like your daughter totally understands this kid's behavior is not OK; you might even be able to use some of the stuff as discussion points.  Your daughter gets this kid is a jerk.  If you don't set her up as tempting forbidden fruit, I'm guessing your daughter will slowly drift away without you having to do a thing.

Believe me, I considered leaving. However, I was 2 hours from home and my brother's kids and DS were also with me, so I would be punishing 5 kids because one was being an asshole.   Adds a whole 'nother layer of problems, lol.

[jeep108]

That would be the last time I invited that friend to go places with us.  I would suggest your daughter to invite another friend. 

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2016 12:39:35 GMT -5 swamp said:

 I just dropped her off and watched her walk in the house. I did not talk to the parents.

I would have made a point of walking her to the door.  But that's the teacher in me.  So, yes, I would have talked with the other parent.  

I understand why you guys wouldn't, though.  

[alabamagal]

I have had to deal with behavior problems with other kids, mostly at sleepovers.  There were always a few kids who were worse than others.  A lot of times it was just to a group "That is not how we behave at this house."  I never spoke directly to other parents, and my kids went to a very small school and we knew all the parents.

[zibazinski]

I'm sure the parents are well aware of their daughters behavior. You did the right thing saying nothing. What you can minimize, do, other than that, be grateful you aren't raising her. Her parents are doing her no favors.

[naughtybear]

oh Jesus, this child is 8, she not going to turn swamp's child into a sociopath. Let it play out a few more times to see if she was having a bad day or acting out because she hasn't been taught manners. Give her a chance. Chances are your daughter sees something good in her to invite her out.

[dannylion]

Oct 18, 2016 12:14:36 GMT -5 swamp said:

Oct 18, 2016 12:11:14 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I probably wouldn't say anything to the parents, but I think I'd have given the girl a rundown of the behavior expectations at my house and when out with us.  She can choose to follow them or not, but if not, she would not be invited back.

she will not be invited back.   

Yeah, that's what I was about to suggest.  That would be the last time I invited that kid anywhere.  I like the suggestion to ask the mom whether the little monster had been having a bad day as the way to start a conversation about her behavior.  But I can understand why someone might not want to go there.  If the mom notices that the little monster is not being invited to join you anymore, she might ask about it, and that would be your opening if you decided you wanted to discuss it with her. 

I don't know what I would have done at the time the behavior was taking place.  Given the child's reaction to correction, the only way to end the nightmare would have been to remove her from the equation at the time.  Since stuffing her in a trash bin or mailing her to Abu Dhabi would likely have caused all sorts of outrage, I guess I might have entertained the idea of calling her mother to come and collect her evil spawn because of her inability to conform to social norms, but that is entirely hypothetical.  I have no idea whether I would actually have done that had it happened to me in real life.  I would definitely have fantasized about stuffing her in a trash bin, though. 

I hope your DD can be encouraged to make friends with people who are not monsters so that detaching her from this child comes about naturally and without making the monster the attractive forbidden fruit. 

[zibazinski]

I didn't say the kid was going to be a sociopath. On the other hand most children behave better around others especially adults. This child not only did not but acted disrespectfully. Thought it was funny even. I've seen children younger than that act poorly and it does not improve unless seriously curbed by their parents. Therefore it rarely improves.

[raeoflyte]

Oct 18, 2016 15:02:50 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I'm sure the parents are well aware of their daughters behavior. You did the right thing saying nothing. What you can minimize, do, other than that, be grateful you aren't raising her. Her parents are doing her no favors.

How can you possibly know that?  OP said that their other child does not behave this way, and shockingly children come with their own temperaments.  They aren't blank slates that parrot back even the best of parental models.  Parenting techniques that work wonders on one kid, might have no impact on even a biological sibling.  Not to mention, no one has perfect behavior all the time, but we basically expect kids to behave all.the.time.  

I know I've said it before, but parenting is a 100 times easier in hindsight after your own kids are grown and out of the house.  Enjoy your high horse.  I hope any future grandkids you have can live up to it.  

OP--Knowing me, I wouldn't say anything.  

We ran into a similar issue last week, although it was a teachers child playing with our kids and friend A.  Teachers child was being mean to A, and our son was going along with it.  When teachers child wouldn't knock it off, dh said we couldn't play anymore, sent the teachers child back inside and took the kids home.  A's mom was on the playground as well.  When they met up yesterday, dh brought it up and A's mom had already addressed it with the teacher and it was a productive conversation.  

[zibazinski]

The other child is an older boy. Totally different. As a former teacher and as a parent I've watched situations like this. Some children are drawn to bad children because they're "exciting" and get away with what some children would like to. My son was one of those that would actively seek out the child with the worse behavior in class. Felt "sorry" for him. But it wasn't that at all. He wanted to be the "bad boy" but didn't dare. Hanging around one was the next best thing. Pretty soon kids like this get ostracized so I hope the parents are on top of it.

[andi9899]

I think I would only tell them if asked. If the parents ask why your kids haven't played together lately, tell them matter of factly what she did last time and since it's not the only time you'd seen the behavior, you haven't wanted to take her with you. Other than that, just let it go.

[whoisjohngalt]

I would be a lot more interested in  my child's reaction to the situation vs behaviour of someone else's kid.

I would also not be judging an 8 yr old based on one occurrence and unless there were safety issues, I would allow her to come along again.  But the next time I would set very clear expectations before the event.

[Deleted]

This is a teaching moment.  I agree with the others who said you should have taken the girl home when she didn't get in line.  You could have told her parents that you were sorry, but their daughter didn't seem to be having a very good time so you brought her home.  (You might also have told the girl, "You don't seem to be enjoying yourself.  Maybe if you don't want to do what we're ding we should take you home"- giving her a chance to decide to behave.) 

DD needs to learn how to handle people who behave badly.  Sometimes, tact, trying to tolerate it, etc. just backfires on you because they take advantage of that and even escalate their behavior.  While you can't control how she interacts with this girl when she's away from you, you can show her that you won't tolerate her bad behavior. 

I should add that many times in my life I've erred on the side of tolerance and peacemaking.  I can't say I would have done what I just suggested!

[whoisjohngalt]

Oct 19, 2016 7:32:43 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

This is a teaching moment.  I agree with the others who said you should have taken the girl home when she didn't get in line.  You could have told her parents that you were sorry, but their daughter didn't seem to be having a very good time so you brought her home.  (You might also have told the girl, "You don't seem to be enjoying yourself.  Maybe if you don't want to do what we're ding we should take you home"- giving her a chance to decide to behave.) 

DD needs to learn how to handle people who behave badly.  Sometimes, tact, trying to tolerate it, etc. just backfires on you because they take advantage of that and even escalate their behavior.  While you can't control how she interacts with this girl when she's away from you, you can show her that you won't tolerate her bad behavior. 

I should add that many times in my life I've erred on the side of tolerance and peacemaking.  I can't say I would have done what I just suggested!

I actually think that your first paragraph is a great description of someone trying to be tolerant and striving for good outcome.