Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Aug 16, 2016 11:26:48 GMT -5
I don't want to hijack Firebird's thread, but someone asked so here you go. We are all doing well. It's been a big summer for us. Just last week I finalized the changes to his birth certificate so it now reads with his new legal male name and male gender. This involved going to court two separate times to get orders from judges granting the two changes, and then submitting the orders as documentation to change the actual certificate as well. It was a pretty lengthy process as I did it all myself vs having a lawyer, but now that it's done it feels REALLY good. Just FYI as I find this stuff interesting, but the changes are all sealed. Meaning, his old, female birth certificate no longer exists and it's not like someone could go pull it up with the new one attached. The new one IS his birth certificate. Another biggie: tomorrow he gets his first hormone blocker implant (this halts the progression of puberty). He started female puberty this year and we've been jumping through hoops like you wouldn't believe to get him on a blocker. First we had to prove he was in puberty (two day labs that cost us $1200) because insurance would never agree to us just saying his breasts are developing. Then we were denied insurance coverage for the meds, which is horrific because they cost 32K/yr without insurance. No, not a typo. Our dr appealed all the way through the state and we were denied. The crappy thing is insurance would happily cover giving the implant to a 7yo who started puberty (which is FDA approved) but said they wouldn't give it to DS (who is 10) because he's trans. Yes, their denial was formally stated as because he was trans. They told our doctor they could be bigoted this way because Obamacare doesn't apply to them because they don't accept Fed money. Anyway, the saints at my dr office are now GIVING us their last implant they have on hand from a grant, so we get it for FREE (well, there will be about 1K in costs to put it in his arm). But seriously, I was a total wreck before hearing this news. DS would have gotten suicidal if his breasts had grown much bigger. So, we get the implant tomorrow and basically it's a little tube that will slowly release the blocker into his body over the course of a year, which means we don't have to worry about financing the next implant until next summer. And I'm working on that - I'm hunting for a job with medical benefits that would cover the implant. Emotionally, DS is still on anxiety meds and has a tremendous fear of being outed. I'm hunting for a therapist for him. In all, though, things are good. We've experienced some shunning by people who know his secret, but as long as DS isn't aware of it I just laugh it off. He enters 5th grade next month, which means middle school is only a year away now. Middle school is definitely my biggest worry now that his medical care is going through. Those kids can be so cruel.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 11:32:02 GMT -5
That sounds great! Question though... won't kids at his school know he was a girl at one point? Or did he switch schools?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 11:33:18 GMT -5
Also, I thought therapy was a requirement prior to transitioning....
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Aug 16, 2016 11:36:58 GMT -5
That sounds great! Question though... won't kids at his school know he was a girl at one point? Or did he switch schools? He switched schools. It was coincidental - happened for a non-trans reason. So, at his old school/neighborhood he is open. At his new school, he is closeted. Obviously that isn't sustainable so he should be outed anytime at his new school. Knowing what I know now, I wish he hadn't changed schools. His anxiety at being exposed is HUGE. If he had stayed at his old school, all that would be moot and he could just be his normal self with the friends who accepted him. And for those that don't accept, he's have learned coping skills and realized it's not the end of the world if X hates him for being who he is. Oh well, it is what it is.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 11:39:39 GMT -5
That sounds great! Question though... won't kids at his school know he was a girl at one point? Or did he switch schools? He switched schools. It was coincidental - happened for a non-trans reason. So, at his old school/neighborhood he is open. At his new school, he is closeted. Obviously that isn't sustainable so he should be outed anytime at his new school. Knowing what I know now, I wish he hadn't changed schools. His anxiety at being exposed is HUGE. If he had stayed at his old school, all that would be moot and he could just be his normal self with the friends who accepted him. And for those that don't accept, he's have learned coping skills and realized it's not the end of the world if X hates him for being who he is. Oh well, it is what it is. maybe I'm just an idiot, but I don't know what you mean by "closeted". If he's living like a boy, then what's to be exposed? I guess the lack of a penis is what you're referring to...?
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Aug 16, 2016 11:39:45 GMT -5
Also, I thought therapy was a requirement prior to transitioning.... That's medically transitioning (usually in the late teen years). He's only socially transitioned. The blockers he'll take don't change him in any way, they just halt puberty. The day he goes off them, his female puberty would start right up. There's nothing male about them. He's been in therapy off/on for 2 years. It's tremendously difficult to find a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ and young children and accepts our insurance and is a good fit personality-wise.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 11:41:38 GMT -5
ah okay. Wow, you guys have been through a lot. I don't know how I would handle all that. I guess I'd suck it up and make due - like you are doing now.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 16, 2016 11:42:55 GMT -5
SK!!! I was wondering how you and your family is doing!!!
Good to hear from you, and I wish the best for you.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Aug 16, 2016 11:49:47 GMT -5
Emotionally, DS is still on anxiety meds and has a tremendous fear of being outed. I'm hunting for a therapist for him. In all, though, things are good. We've experienced some shunning by people who know his secret, but as long as DS isn't aware of it I just laugh it off. He enters 5th grade next month, which means middle school is only a year away now. Middle school is definitely my biggest worry now that his medical care is going through. Those kids can be so cruel. Well, that just showed you who you can or cannot rely on, doesn't it? Better that you know NOW, than when they get a chance to shun you DS. I am very very glad you all are doing so well. The grace and patience with which you have handled all of this is just astounding and so praiseworthy!!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 16, 2016 11:50:07 GMT -5
Wow. I hadn't realized it was so involved and that this was going on. Kudu to your doctor's office.
I hope your son's anxiety goes down.
Thank you for the update.
On a nosy note, have you met @kolt!
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 11:54:52 GMT -5
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 16, 2016 12:01:14 GMT -5
Thank you for the update! I tell my dh about your story and in a totally non creepy/stalkerish way--we love you! You are an amazing mom and have an amazing family. I'm hoping all the best for your son.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 16, 2016 12:16:38 GMT -5
That is a lot on your plate. Would it not be easier if it was out? I mean, would it be easier to have it just be understood upfront rather than living in fear of this coming out? I mean, i don't know what is best for your situation but the fear of that being revealed seems very anxiety provoking and may actually be worse than if it was just out there. I find that kids just accept what is, especially in middle school versus it coming to light in Jr High. Again, just food thought as i don't know the best way to handle that.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 16, 2016 12:21:13 GMT -5
It'd probably be easier, but that's not her call to make.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Aug 16, 2016 12:30:49 GMT -5
I would totally push my kid to confront their fears and "rip off the band-aid" if it were any other subject. This is different, though. You don't out LGBTQ people against their will.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Aug 16, 2016 12:38:15 GMT -5
Good luck! Middle school years are tough for everyone.....
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 16, 2016 12:46:27 GMT -5
thanks mj. I knew his originally screen name was something about books but didn't get a chance to go searching.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Aug 16, 2016 12:56:39 GMT -5
That is a lot on your plate. Would it not be easier if it was out? I mean, would it be easier to have it just be understood upfront rather than living in fear of this coming out? I mean, i don't know what is best for your situation but the fear of that being revealed seems very anxiety provoking and may actually be worse than if it was just out there. I find that kids just accept what is, especially in middle school versus it coming to light in Jr High. Again, just food thought as i don't know the best way to handle that. This is waaaaaaaay easier said than done.
For starters (as justme points out), it is really not her decision to make. Add to that the fact that unless they live in a VERY open-minded place, there is always the potential for blow-back - - to the point of danger for her son. All it takes is one close-minded fundie type to start yakking their talking-head opinions and all the other hens will start clucking too. No kid deserves that.
Yes - like it or not - there are places in this country where an LGBTQ person can still find their lives in danger from hostile people. Heck - bring the subject up here on these boards and watch what happens! A Certain Moderator will be all over it with his scriptural bluff and bluster. He's done it - to Kolt! . Now granted that Kolt is older (and smart and articulate) and can stand up for himself, but what do you think would happen if someone started doing that to a TEN YEAR OLD KID (telling them they are fundamentally flawed because of how they were born, and that they can "right themselves" if they just try harder, or pray harder, or "accept their fate"). Granted that *most* folks here (at least the ones who post about it) are accepting, live-and-let-live folks, but all it takes is one . . . THAT is the reason she needs to be careful.
If you don't believe me, come out with me some evening to a street outreach session in La La Land. After the TAY (transition age youth, 16-24) that are mentally ill/substance abusing, the next largest homeless group are kids who were tossed out of their homes and their communities because they are LGBTQ. Many of them have been physically punished and sexually abused and traumatized by the very people who were supposed to love and protect them (I once met a young woman who was repeatedly raped by her own father because he wanted to "teach her she wasn't really lesbian"). So they bolt from whatever town they grew up in and make their way to La La Land. The only thing more heartbreaking than the kids who can't go home because they were tossed out by their parents (or the parents' boyfriend/girlfriend) are the kids who want to go home but can't because of the way they were treated and the threats of physical harm and death they (and their families) got while there.
Formerly SK loves her son - why would she risk potentially exposing him to the wrath of others like that? It's NOT as far fetched as you would think. It goes on every single day in communities across this country. THAT's why one needs to be careful. It's not as easy as you think . . . .
<<< kittensaver steps off her soapbox >>>
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 13:07:59 GMT -5
Kind of OT, but I've always wanted to foster kids and this group especially. NPR did a fabulous segment on it a couple months ago. Even in the foster system it can be hard to get these kids a placement because families can refuse to take these kids just because of who they are. It's heart breaking
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 16, 2016 13:19:02 GMT -5
Hi!!! Hugs!!!
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Aug 16, 2016 13:20:49 GMT -5
This is a wonderful update. I'm so glad to hear things are going well.
I followed your story with some interest when you first posted about it as my family is going through something similar (though the woman is in her 30s, and not a young child). But, your support of your son is amazing and while I'm sure it wasn't easy for you, I'm in awe of how well you've handled it.
Middle school is tough on everyone and LGBTQ students have it even harder. Your son is lucky to have your support.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 16, 2016 13:32:59 GMT -5
That is a lot on your plate. Would it not be easier if it was out? I mean, would it be easier to have it just be understood upfront rather than living in fear of this coming out? I mean, i don't know what is best for your situation but the fear of that being revealed seems very anxiety provoking and may actually be worse than if it was just out there. I find that kids just accept what is, especially in middle school versus it coming to light in Jr High. Again, just food thought as i don't know the best way to handle that. This is waaaaaaaay easier said than done.
For starters (as justme points out), it is really not her decision to make. Add to that the fact that unless they live in a VERY open-minded place, there is always the potential for blow-back - - to the point of danger for her son. All it takes is one close-minded fundie type to start yakking their talking-head opinions and all the other hens will start clucking too. No kid deserves that.
Yes - like it or not - there are places in this country where an LGBTQ person can still find their lives in danger from hostile people. Heck - bring the subject up here on these boards and watch what happens! A Certain Moderator will be all over it with his scriptural bluff and bluster. He's done it - to Kolt! . Now granted that Kolt is older (and smart and articulate) and can stand up for himself, but what do you think would happen if someone started doing that to a TEN YEAR OLD KID (telling them they are fundamentally flawed because of how they were born, and that they can "right themselves" if they just try harder, or pray harder, or "accept their fate"). Granted that *most* folks here (at least the ones who post about it) are accepting, live-and-let-live folks, but all it takes is one . . . THAT is the reason she needs to be careful.
If you don't believe me, come out with me some evening to a street outreach session in La La Land. After the TAY (transition age youth, 16-24) that are mentally ill/substance abusing, the next largest homeless group are kids who were tossed out of their homes and their communities because they are LGBTQ. Many of them have been physically punished and sexually abused and traumatized by the very people who were supposed to love and protect them (I once met a young woman who was repeatedly raped by her own father because he wanted to "teach her she wasn't really lesbian"). So they bolt from whatever town they grew up in and make their way to La La Land. The only thing more heartbreaking than the kids who can't go home because they were tossed out by their parents (or the parents' boyfriend/girlfriend) are the kids who want to go home but can't because of the way they were treated and the threats of physical harm and death they (and their families) got while there.
Formerly SK loves her son - why would she risk potentially exposing him to the wrath of others like that? It's NOT as far fetched as you would think. It goes on every single day in communities across this country. THAT's why one needs to be careful. It's not as easy as you think . . . .
<<< kittensaver steps off her soapbox >>>
Not really sure what your issue is? I simply offered my honest advice which she can take or leave. My point is that living with a so called secret can be far harder than just having it out there. And that middle schoolers are very accepting. Nowhere did i say it was "easy" . Only she can decide what the right aporoach is.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 13:41:18 GMT -5
To SK - I am so glad your DS is doing well given the circumstances. I've admired your story from the beginning. Best of luck to him as he starts this new school year & makes new friends!
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Aug 16, 2016 13:55:44 GMT -5
I wish all the best for your son, you and yours, many blessings.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 16, 2016 14:13:17 GMT -5
So glad things are going fairly well for you and your family SK! Good luck to your son whatever he decides about telling his peers!
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Kolt!
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Post by Kolt! on Aug 16, 2016 15:11:26 GMT -5
Yes, actually me and her have talked before.
I keep getting tagged here.
-- It's a tough call to make with keeping a child's secret or not keeping it. I didn't come out until after high school but there were so many times I nearly took my life because of being forced to be this person I just wasn't. I think in some ways this gives kids a chance to give her son a chance to have people get to know him without knowing he's trans at first. I know that some people would flat out refuse to give the trans kid a chance.
I often truly believe sometimes those that don't understand what transgender is and don't know a person they refuse to even try, but if they realize someone they really liked for a long time was trans, and they were human, and normal, and never questioned anything they're more apt to be like "I didn't even know. This person is just like me. They're really not all that different."
Yet at the same time there's people that could still end up hurting someone trans after they find out. Sometimes it's good to make friends with people that already know because there's no risk.
But sometimes it is better to 'hide' depending on where that person is. One parent could change the entire atmosphere. Often times it isn't the students that care, and if they care it's because of the parents that engraved it into their child's head so early on.
It depends on the kid. I don't think there is any correct way rather they're out or not out. -- But here is what I do know. In this situation the son has incredible parents and that's more then what many transgender kids can say. I for one had to deal with feeling abandoned by my parents for a long time but they did eventually accept me. Not everyone is as fortunate to have loving parents willing to do this for their child and be there through it all.
As tough as that is at least her son will know his parents love him and are at his side. And with this that already puts him in a healthier step then many other trans children that have been abandoned by their own families. As tough as this road is he's going to be on having that support will help immensely.
-- And transgender people have lived their entire life in hiding and if her son feels like doing this starting the puberty blockers will help in passing for the future. Transgender people that pass and have a support system are more likely to thrive then those that don't.
But some people also don't like the secret, it all depends on how the trans person feels. I know some that view it as a secret and other's that personally don't view it as a secret even if they're hiding because they don't think they need a "trans" label to their gender.
--
So I personally don't think there is any right or wrong way..I think it's just a journey that the parents need to follow with their son and support him with, no matter what he chooses.
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Kolt!
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Post by Kolt! on Aug 16, 2016 15:20:05 GMT -5
That is a lot on your plate. Would it not be easier if it was out? I mean, would it be easier to have it just be understood upfront rather than living in fear of this coming out? I mean, i don't know what is best for your situation but the fear of that being revealed seems very anxiety provoking and may actually be worse than if it was just out there. I find that kids just accept what is, especially in middle school versus it coming to light in Jr High. Again, just food thought as i don't know the best way to handle that. This is waaaaaaaay easier said than done.
For starters (as justme points out), it is really not her decision to make. Add to that the fact that unless they live in a VERY open-minded place, there is always the potential for blow-back - - to the point of danger for her son. All it takes is one close-minded fundie type to start yakking their talking-head opinions and all the other hens will start clucking too. No kid deserves that.
Yes - like it or not - there are places in this country where an LGBTQ person can still find their lives in danger from hostile people. Heck - bring the subject up here on these boards and watch what happens! A Certain Moderator will be all over it with his scriptural bluff and bluster. He's done it - to Kolt! . Now granted that Kolt is older (and smart and articulate) and can stand up for himself, but what do you think would happen if someone started doing that to a TEN YEAR OLD KID (telling them they are fundamentally flawed because of how they were born, and that they can "right themselves" if they just try harder, or pray harder, or "accept their fate"). Granted that *most* folks here (at least the ones who post about it) are accepting, live-and-let-live folks, but all it takes is one . . . THAT is the reason she needs to be careful.
If you don't believe me, come out with me some evening to a street outreach session in La La Land. After the TAY (transition age youth, 16-24) that are mentally ill/substance abusing, the next largest homeless group are kids who were tossed out of their homes and their communities because they are LGBTQ. Many of them have been physically punished and sexually abused and traumatized by the very people who were supposed to love and protect them (I once met a young woman who was repeatedly raped by her own father because he wanted to "teach her she wasn't really lesbian"). So they bolt from whatever town they grew up in and make their way to La La Land. The only thing more heartbreaking than the kids who can't go home because they were tossed out by their parents (or the parents' boyfriend/girlfriend) are the kids who want to go home but can't because of the way they were treated and the threats of physical harm and death they (and their families) got while there.
Formerly SK loves her son - why would she risk potentially exposing him to the wrath of others like that? It's NOT as far fetched as you would think. It goes on every single day in communities across this country. THAT's why one needs to be careful. It's not as easy as you think . . . .
<<< kittensaver steps off her soapbox >>>
This is why as well. There's a fear you can be outed in some places but in some places that fear is better then the fear of already knowing people know and being beat up, or being bullied with words by adults and other students, it also would make for some schools to force the son into certain bathrooms if everyone knew he wasn't born in the right body and depending on the school it'd forever pinpoint him and force him to be a "girl," sometimes the first fear is better then the second fear. It truly depends on the school district and place they live.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Aug 16, 2016 15:29:35 GMT -5
Yes, actually me and her have talked before. I keep getting tagged here. -- It's a tough call to make with keeping a child's secret or not keeping it. I didn't come out until after high school but there were so many times I nearly took my life because of being forced to be this person I just wasn't. I think in some ways this gives kids a chance to give her son a chance to have people get to know him without knowing he's trans at first. I know that some people would flat out refuse to give the trans kid a chance. I often truly believe sometimes those that don't understand what transgender is and don't know a person they refuse to even try, but if they realize someone they really liked for a long time was trans, and they were human, and normal, and never questioned anything they're more apt to be like "I didn't even know. This person is just like me. They're really not all that different." Yet at the same time there's people that could still end up hurting someone trans after they find out. Sometimes it's good to make friends with people that already know because there's no risk. But sometimes it is better to 'hide' depending on where that person is. One parent could change the entire atmosphere. Often times it isn't the students that care, and if they care it's because of the parents that engraved it into their child's head so early on. It depends on the kid. I don't think there is any correct way rather they're out or not out. -- But here is what I do know. In this situation the son has incredible parents and that's more then what many transgender kids can say. I for one had to deal with feeling abandoned by my parents for a long time but they did eventually accept me. Not everyone is as fortunate to have loving parents willing to do this for their child and be there through it all. As tough as that is at least her son will know his parents love him and are at his side. And with this that already puts him in a healthier step then many other trans children that have been abandoned by their own families. As tough as this road is he's going to be on having that support will help immensely. -- And transgender people have lived their entire life in hiding and if her son feels like doing this starting the puberty blockers will help in passing for the future. Transgender people that pass and have a support system are more likely to thrive then those that don't. But some people also don't like the secret, it all depends on how the trans person feels. I know some that view it as a secret and other's that personally don't view it as a secret even if they're hiding because they don't think they need a "trans" label to their gender. -- So I personally don't think there is any right or wrong way..I think it's just a journey that the parents need to follow with their son and support him with, no matter what he chooses. Thank you for the compliment, Kort. Of the 20ish trans kids I know, the ones who publicly transitioned and don't have "the secret" seem to be in better mental health. It's anecdotal, but it definitely makes me wonder if DS would be better off with his story out in public. That said, his reasoning for remaining closeted at his new school seems sound: the old kids at his old school would be more welcoming because he has a long history of friendship with them whereas at the new school, he doesn't have any established bonds so it'll be easier for the kids to hate him. He desperately wants a BFF or two at his new school, though, and he defines that as the BFF knowing his background and accepting him anyway. So, the casual friendships don't count. I think he also tries too hard to make friends in a desperate way to get acceptance and it's pushed people away. I've accepted we have a life long road together and right now it seems smooth. He knows he's loved by us and has a great sense of calm because of that. We'll just see what the months/years have in store for us.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Aug 16, 2016 15:52:29 GMT -5
You are an amazing mom, SK! I'm glad things are going well for you all right now, and that you were able to get the implant! And I wish your son luck with whichever course of action he decides re: telling/not telling.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Aug 16, 2016 16:01:53 GMT -5
I don't want to hijack Firebird's thread, but someone asked so here you go. We are all doing well. It's been a big summer for us. Just last week I finalized the changes to his birth certificate so it now reads with his new legal male name and male gender. This involved going to court two separate times to get orders from judges granting the two changes, and then submitting the orders as documentation to change the actual certificate as well. It was a pretty lengthy process as I did it all myself vs having a lawyer, but now that it's done it feels REALLY good. Just FYI as I find this stuff interesting, but the changes are all sealed. Meaning, his old, female birth certificate no longer exists and it's not like someone could go pull it up with the new one attached. The new one IS his birth certificate. Another biggie: tomorrow he gets his first hormone blocker implant (this halts the progression of puberty). He started female puberty this year and we've been jumping through hoops like you wouldn't believe to get him on a blocker. First we had to prove he was in puberty (two day labs that cost us $1200) because insurance would never agree to us just saying his breasts are developing. Then we were denied insurance coverage for the meds, which is horrific because they cost 32K/yr without insurance. No, not a typo. Our dr appealed all the way through the state and we were denied. The crappy thing is insurance would happily cover giving the implant to a 7yo who started puberty (which is FDA approved) but said they wouldn't give it to DS (who is 10) because he's trans. Yes, their denial was formally stated as because he was trans. They told our doctor they could be bigoted this way because Obamacare doesn't apply to them because they don't accept Fed money. Anyway, the saints at my dr office are now GIVING us their last implant they have on hand from a grant, so we get it for FREE (well, there will be about 1K in costs to put it in his arm). But seriously, I was a total wreck before hearing this news. DS would have gotten suicidal if his breasts had grown much bigger. So, we get the implant tomorrow and basically it's a little tube that will slowly release the blocker into his body over the course of a year, which means we don't have to worry about financing the next implant until next summer. And I'm working on that - I'm hunting for a job with medical benefits that would cover the implant. Emotionally, DS is still on anxiety meds and has a tremendous fear of being outed. I'm hunting for a therapist for him. In all, though, things are good. We've experienced some shunning by people who know his secret, but as long as DS isn't aware of it I just laugh it off. He enters 5th grade next month, which means middle school is only a year away now. Middle school is definitely my biggest worry now that his medical care is going through. Those kids can be so cruel. Yay! My best wishes for you and your son.
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