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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 13:59:08 GMT -5
Yes twice for my mom. It's hard and I'm sorry you have to deal with that from dad. The 1st time was several years ago when mom fell and broke her ankles. We were not on very good terms back then but the broken ankles turned out to be a blessing. While she was in rehab she got put on a heathy diet and put on anti- depressants. She lived alone so when she came home I got her groceries, cooked, cleaned, etc. but did not have to stay there overnight with her. She stuck with the diet, lost a bunch of weight which made her feel good about herself again. She also got off all her diabetes and blood pressure meds. The anti depressants made her happier, nicer, kinder, and we were able to mend our fractured relationship over the last few years. This helped so much when taking care of her at the end of her life a few months ago. It's very hard no matter what the circumstances. Just do the best you can and take breaks as you can get them.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 25, 2016 14:40:49 GMT -5
Yes twice for my mom. It's hard and I'm sorry you have to deal with that from dad. The 1st time was several years ago when mom fell and broke her ankles. We were not on very good terms back then but the broken ankles turned out to be a blessing. While she was in rehab she got put on a heathy diet and put on anti- depressants. She lived alone so when she came home I got her groceries, cooked, cleaned, etc. but did not have to stay there overnight with her. She stuck with the diet, lost a bunch of weight which made her feel good about herself again. She also got off all her diabetes and blood pressure meds. The anti depressants made her happier, nicer, kinder, and we were able to mend our fractured relationship over the last few years. This helped so much when taking care of her at the end of her life a few months ago. It's very hard no matter what the circumstances. Just do the best you can and take breaks as you can get them.
That's a very sweet story. I'm glad you had the opportunity to have that resolution with your mom.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 18:43:00 GMT -5
My former boyfriend's mom had Alzheimer's so I witnessed this second-hand. One daughter and her husband moved in with the parents to take care of his mom. Another daughter came to help two or three days a week, and a third, who worked full-time, came on Saturdays. We came on Sundays.
Before it was over, everyone except the live-in daughter and my boyfriend were worn out and no longer helping at all. The daughter who came a few days a week got jealous. The father pressured the one who came on Saturdays pressured her to be there on Sundays, too, even though we were there. She had no children, and it made her physically sick to change her mother's diapers, but the father made her do it, anyway, even though I was there.
It was a horrible situation, and a lot of that was from the father's demands on his children. They lived like this for several years.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 22:02:11 GMT -5
It must be very hard when a parent or partner who's been loving and supportive for years changes and becomes mean and demanding because of the ravages of disease, mental or physical, or the effect of meds. If they've been that way your whole life, well, then it's payback time and I'd do the minimum to keep them alive and get as many strangers to help as I needed, whether they liked it or not.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Jul 25, 2016 23:01:53 GMT -5
Most people don't change as they get older. They just get more: more stubborn, more crabby, whatever.
I take care of my mother's finances. My sister lives with her and takes care of her. For the most part, my mother is grateful for our help. However, she has always been childishly self-centered, and that part of her personality is also coming out more.
I could not live with my mother. My sister is headed for sainthood.
They often do if they suffer from dementia or Alzheimer's. The can do a complete 180. A person can be sweet and loving their entire lives, but turn into a snarling banshee who hits and bites, due to the disease process.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jul 25, 2016 23:15:06 GMT -5
I've told DS and DH that the can hit me in the head with a shovel if I get like that - but probably I'll take myself out at the first signs of alzheimers or dementia. No way I want to live with that quality of life, and no doubt the very worst parts of my personality would surface. No one wants to see that. DH and I watch a lot of reality TV shows about veterinarians. When an animal gets so sick that it has zero quality of life and expensive intervention isn't worth it, the owner hugs it while the doc injects a strong tranquilizer and then stops the heart with another injection.
DH and I wish that humans in our state had that option.
Euthanasia is now legal in at least California, Oregon, Washington, and Montana. I can see it becoming legal over the entire country sooner rather than later
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 25, 2016 23:34:43 GMT -5
Yes but it's only legal for a terminal illness and even then I think there's plenty of hoops you have to jump through. One of them being of sound mind. Something someone with Dementia or Alzheimer's does not have.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 0:25:39 GMT -5
Yes but it's only legal for a terminal illness and even then I think there's plenty of hoops you have to jump through. One of them being of sound mind. Something someone with Dementia or Alzheimer's does not have. Guess I need to move DH to Montana. He blew off everything to do with his MS so that he is going downhill and will most likely be gone within 10 years. He refused, and still refuses, to take his head out of his ass and realize the implications of this disease. So I get to deal with his pissy moods and the "I want to be a hermit and never see anyone again" issues. And he wonders why I drink!!!! I feel uncomfortable leaving him for extended periods of time since I'm afraid he'll fall. He fell off the tub once. I have no desire for it to happen again.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 26, 2016 3:46:20 GMT -5
Yes but it's only legal for a terminal illness and even then I think there's plenty of hoops you have to jump through. One of them being of sound mind. Something someone with Dementia or Alzheimer's does not have. Guess I need to move DH to Montana. He blew off everything to do with his MS so that he is going downhill and will most likely be gone within 10 years. He refused, and still refuses, to take his head out of his ass and realize the implications of this disease. So I get to deal with his pissy moods and the "I want to be a hermit and never see anyone again" issues. And he wonders why I drink!!!! I feel uncomfortable leaving him for extended periods of time since I'm afraid he'll fall. He fell off the tub once. I have no desire for it to happen again. I'm so sorry. DH wanted to live so badly and went thru hell to do so. He didn't mean to stress me out and he was improving but then , for no apparent reason, he died. If he had been non compliant, I'd have been furious. He had choices to live or die at many points, he chose to live. Life isn't fair.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 26, 2016 3:59:05 GMT -5
My mom had Alzheimer's. My father cared for her, at home. Family members took turns staying with her, so he had a chance to get away, a few times per week. Even though it was for only a few hours each time, it was hard to do. Toward the end of my father's life, my brother, sisters and I decided it was no longer safe for him to be left alone, but my father didn't want anyone staying with him 24/7. A family meeting was held at my father's house. My brother told him we felt like safety was an issue. That his choice was either to stay in his home and allow one of us to stay with him, or to go to a care center. He also told him that he would have to behave and treat anyone caring for him in the nicest manner he knew how to and with the utmost respect, otherwise he would be moved (to a care center). He said it very matter of factly. My father never objected after that. A few weeks later, he was gone. Even though we had it relatively easy, it was still hard. I don't know how those of you with difficult parents, are able to manage, or get through it. Bless you. Take care of you. Good luck.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 26, 2016 4:02:29 GMT -5
I was lucky and unlucky that both my parents went quickly.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 26, 2016 7:36:12 GMT -5
Euthanasia is now legal in at least California, Oregon, Washington, and Montana. I can see it becoming legal over the entire country sooner rather than laterI don't share your optimism. Why do you think that it's going to be legal across a whole country?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 7:53:25 GMT -5
I was lucky and unlucky that both my parents went quickly. Yes, definitely two sides to it. We learned that my mother's cancer had come back in April, just before the giant party we'd planned for her 85th birthday. The party went on and it was wonderful. In early June my sister, an OB-Gyn, talked to Mom's doctors and translated their message as "the cancer has gone ballistic" and Mom might have only a few weeks to live. Well, it was an exaggeration, but DH and I made the 2-day drive to visit and stay a few days shortly after that. Another good trip- they handed over a lot of old family photos (DH has already scanned decades of them and we've delighted the family with electronic copies, and slideshows for special occasions). We told lots of stores and shared memories. She's doing an orderly job of handing over things she wants us to have; what's funny is how many of the homely, everyday things (like Mom's ancient 1950s looseleaf cookbook) have multiple takers! It's given Dad time to check out retirement homes near my brother and SIL and he found one he likes.
I left with Mom's engagement ring and another engagement ring from her Great-Aunt; she wanted me to have them because "I don't want them to disappear if I land unconscious in the hospital". I bought a 3rd diamond (all 3 are about 1/4 carat each) and handed them over to the best jewelry store in the area to be set in a 3-stone platinum ring. I also have the funky pale green fish-shaped spoon rest I remember from when I was a kid.
Sorry it's a bit OT, but all of us are grateful we had some warning that Mom's days are numbered. DH and I are going through the same thing with his recent leukemia diagnosis. We're going to enjoy the time together.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 10:15:54 GMT -5
If he had been non compliant, I'd have been furious. He had choices to live or die at many points, he chose to live. Life isn't fair. Yeah, I'd have a big problem with non-compliance. It's one of the reasons I'd make a terrible doctor. I'd work like mad to fix the Stuff Happens, There-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I conditions, but would have a hard time treating people who didn't do anything to improve their odds. In HS I took a battery of tests that matched my skills and interests to various possible professions. I was in the second percentile for Social Worker. ;-)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 26, 2016 10:33:22 GMT -5
If he had been non compliant, I'd have been furious. He had choices to live or die at many points, he chose to live. Life isn't fair. Yeah, I'd have a big problem with non-compliance. It's one of the reasons I'd make a terrible doctor. I'd work like mad to fix the Stuff Happens, There-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I conditions, but would have a hard time treating people who didn't do anything to improve their odds. In HS I took a battery of tests that matched my skills and interests to various possible professions. I was in the second percentile for Social Worker. ;-) [ I would have been poor in that department as well. I felt sorry for my students but their parents I didn't give a tinkers damn about. They did nothing to improve their lives or that of their children. They were parasites feeding off those children.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 26, 2016 10:51:10 GMT -5
MIL has dementia, she her sister, and DD drove me crazy for 3 years I tried to help them. She is in assisted living and still a hassle but at least we are not caring for her here. She is not happy but not much we can do about it. She is hard headed. I tried to get her to let us bring in help with cooking and being with her and sister so they would stop the crap about people stealing everything, just wouldn't work.
This reminds me of my mom - she was always certain that all of her belongings were very valuable and people wanted to steal them. She was so paranoid about people taking things that she would get these odd ideas. Like one of my sisters stole a box of cornbread mix when she was there (Mom was 100% certain she knew exactly how many boxes of cornbread mix she had before the visit). Yeah, like my sister needs to steal cornbread. Once, she found a watch on the table in her hall and called all of us very upset that someone had broken into her house and accidentally left a watch behind. Now she was searching all over trying to figure out what that person stole (Turns out, my little sister accidentally left her watch there). And on the one occasion we talked Mom into hiring sitters to stay with our dad so she could fly to Georgia to see her oldest granddaughter graduate from HS, she came back and went through the garbage and had a fit because she found out one of them had eaten a can of her soup (I suspect she ate the soup before she left - the caregivers were providing their own food and food for my dad while they were there). Even if one of them did eat a can of soup - it's a can of soup.... She refused to leave him alone again because she didn't want 'thieves' I her home.
Then there was the big stink when Mom claimed one of my nieces stole one of her gold necklaces. Called up all the family members except for my sister who was the mother of this niece and told everyone that my niece was a thief. Then, months later, mentions that she found the necklace - she had hidden it in a drawer because she wanted to make sure the niece didn't steal it. (Don't ask me why she thought a well behaved 12 year old would want a piece of old lady jewelry badly enough to steal it). I asked mom if she would call up all the family members that she had previously told about the thieving niece and admit she was wrong about that, but of course, she wouldn't.
I guess it goes back to your worst qualities being amplified in old age. More reason for me to make sure I take myself out before I get to that point.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 26, 2016 11:49:00 GMT -5
OK, I didn't have time to read it all, so I am answering only question in subject. My daughter became care giver for my husband. We had used County Adults and Aging Services. If you go with Home Care Agency of any sort - pay is around $10/hour. We had not chosen an agency and she gets paid $20/hour. We are in PA. Good Luck!
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jul 26, 2016 12:09:58 GMT -5
Euthanasia is now legal in at least California, Oregon, Washington, and Montana. I can see it becoming legal over the entire country sooner rather than laterI don't share your optimism. Why do you think that it's going to be legal across a whole country? I want to apologize to all those who will be offended by this, and plenty will be. It costs a lot of money to keep alzheimers patients / victims (warehousing) in nursing homes. A disproportionate amount of this will fall on Medicaid as there is a greater % of the elderly population in the lowest 1% compared to the higher rungs with LTC insurance. I don't envision a SOYLENT GREEN future but I also don't envision a more benevolent one for impoverished seniors. Do the math Like I said, "I want to apologize to all those who will be offended by this, and plenty will be."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 12:14:34 GMT -5
Yes twice for my mom. It's hard and I'm sorry you have to deal with that from dad. The 1st time was several years ago when mom fell and broke her ankles. We were not on very good terms back then but the broken ankles turned out to be a blessing. While she was in rehab she got put on a heathy diet and put on anti- depressants. She lived alone so when she came home I got her groceries, cooked, cleaned, etc. but did not have to stay there overnight with her. She stuck with the diet, lost a bunch of weight which made her feel good about herself again. She also got off all her diabetes and blood pressure meds. The anti depressants made her happier, nicer, kinder, and we were able to mend our fractured relationship over the last few years. This helped so much when taking care of her at the end of her life a few months ago. It's very hard no matter what the circumstances. Just do the best you can and take breaks as you can get them.
That's a very sweet story. I'm glad you had the opportunity to have that resolution with your mom. Thanks happy. I am too and it wasn't just me. She mended a lot of fences in her last few years and they were some of her happiest. It's one of the reasons I know people can change, even old people. Dementia is an entirely different thing though sadly.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 26, 2016 12:20:02 GMT -5
I don't share your optimism. Why do you think that it's going to be legal across a whole country? I want to apologize to all those who will be offended by this, and plenty will be. It costs a lot of money to keep alzheimers patients / victims (warehousing) in nursing homes. A disproportionate amount of this will fall on Medicaid as there is a greater % of the elderly population in the lowest 1% compared to the higher rungs with LTC insurance. I don't envision a SOYLENT GREEN future but I also don't envision a more benevolent one for impoverished seniors. Do the math Like I said, "I want to apologize to all those who will be offended by this, and plenty will be." I agree with you. But, I only see this happening if those in power can RADICALLY economically benefit from it in some way. Because money is the ONLY thing that speaks louder than religious conviction.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 26, 2016 12:26:49 GMT -5
That's a very sweet story. I'm glad you had the opportunity to have that resolution with your mom. Thanks happy. I am too and it wasn't just me. She mended a lot of fences in her last few years and they were some of her happiest. It's one of the reasons I know people can change, even old people. Dementia is an entirely different thing though sadly.
Any aged person can change if they want to. Clearly your mom was interested in changing. And I am very happy for you and your family that your mom made those choices. My folks are not interested in changing. I cannot force them to take the steps to become physically/mentally/ emotionally healthy. At this point in my life, I just don't have the capacity to try to "make" them. They like the natural consequences of their behavior.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 13:01:57 GMT -5
I don't share your optimism. Why do you think that it's going to be legal across a whole country? I want to apologize to all those who will be offended by this, and plenty will be. It costs a lot of money to keep alzheimers patients / victims (warehousing) in nursing homes. A disproportionate amount of this will fall on Medicaid as there is a greater % of the elderly population in the lowest 1% compared to the higher rungs with LTC insurance. I don't envision a SOYLENT GREEN future but I also don't envision a more benevolent one for impoverished seniors. Do the math Like I said, "I want to apologize to all those who will be offended by this, and plenty will be." No offense at all. The future costs of people who will need Medicaid for long-term care is a very big concern of mine, especially for my son's and my granddaughter's generations. I'm guessing that the care will be there but the rules will be stricter and it won't be pretty.
One of the big arguments against assisted suicide is that people might be encouraged (or pressured) to use it to save the taxpayers or leave a legacy for their survivors.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 13:12:20 GMT -5
Thanks happy. I am too and it wasn't just me. She mended a lot of fences in her last few years and they were some of her happiest. It's one of the reasons I know people can change, even old people. Dementia is an entirely different thing though sadly.
Any aged person can change if they want to. Clearly your mom was interested in changing. And I am very happy for you and your family that your mom made those choices. My folks are not interested in changing. I cannot force them to take the steps to become physically/mentally/ emotionally healthy. At this point in my life, I just don't have the capacity to try to "make" them. They like the natural consequences of their behavior. Oh you are so right about that, you can't make them . I am so thankful for the great Dr. and team she had when in rehab for the ankles. They were able to see and address so many of the things she had been able to hide and blow off over the years. She was pretty much helpless and finally willing to listen and I'm just so glad it all came together like it did. I just meant that it's not impossible for a change and I had thought before it probably was. Not everyone will take those steps unfortunately. I'm sorry, I know how hard that is.
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Jul 26, 2016 13:14:58 GMT -5
If I'm terminal, I just want to go out on my own terms, if I have no quality of life I don't see the point of sitting in a Medicaid facility and letting someone take care of me. I want to go out on my own terms.
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Kolt!
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Post by Kolt! on Jul 26, 2016 21:11:20 GMT -5
I had to take care of my great grandpa.
It wasn't all on me though. I was there with him for eight hour three days a week. I just remember this one time he fell trying to get up and I never thought i'd be able to lift him up and get him back on the bed but I was able to. I think it's true people are able to do things they never thought possible when fear and worry take over them.
It was difficult because the man hated being taken care of. He wanted to do things for himself. But he just was too frail to do so.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 27, 2016 0:42:44 GMT -5
If I'm terminal, I just want to go out on my own terms, if I have no quality of life I don't see the point of sitting in a Medicaid facility and letting someone take care of me. I want to go out on my own terms. Ever since I can remember, my blood pressure has been high. Doctors would tell me I should have someone check it/put me on a medication for it. (Really?! Why don't you?) I finally changed doctors in July 2014 and started taking blood pressure meds. In March and Oct 2015 I had heart attacks. I've cut back on my salt intake and a few things, but I'm not a total health nut, nor do I plan to be. I'm not going to eat food I hate, to live longer. Balance and moderation. I just hope I can do for myself, until the end. I have no desire to keep going after that. And I hope I remain pleasant toward others.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 27, 2016 13:03:15 GMT -5
If I'm terminal, I just want to go out on my own terms, if I have no quality of life I don't see the point of sitting in a Medicaid facility and letting someone take care of me. I want to go out on my own terms. Me too but how to you tell someone to put you out?
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 27, 2016 13:10:56 GMT -5
If he had been non compliant, I'd have been furious. He had choices to live or die at many points, he chose to live. Life isn't fair. Yeah, I'd have a big problem with non-compliance. It's one of the reasons I'd make a terrible doctor. I'd work like mad to fix the Stuff Happens, There-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I conditions, but would have a hard time treating people who didn't do anything to improve their odds. In HS I took a battery of tests that matched my skills and interests to various possible professions. I was in the second percentile for Social Worker. ;-) I knew a lung doctor that told patents to quit smoking on the first visit, second visit he asked if they quit and if they hadn't he didn't let them be his patent. He didn't want to waste his time trying to fix up someone who didn't want to be fixed.
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