Have you been a caregiver to a relative?

[ilovedolphins]

The past few years I have been planning on moving into my parent's house when they need caregivers and take care of them.  In June that plan may have changed.  My mom, who has Parkinson's, fell and broke her shoulder so my dad didn't want to put her in the nursing home until she got better.  He didn't ask me to stay with them and help but he couldn't take care of her and he didn't want strangers in his house taking care of her.  So I stayed with them for 2 weeks getting her back on her feet.

My dad wasn't nice to me at all.  He wanted me to not give her the pain medication that the doctor prescribed and he thought I should take care of her by his orders, not the doctors.  We had a few conflicts and when I left after the two weeks we weren't on speaking terms.  

I can understand that he felt that I was probably coming in and taking over the house but he couldn't take care of her and all I did was take care of her.  She couldn't walk on her own so my body took a toll lifting her a lot.  I took a chance of losing my job to take care of her.  I didn't have anyone to relief me so I only got a shower every 5 days and about 6 hours of sleep in that 2 week period.

One day I got up and he was talking to himself in the kitchen saying I should go back to work so he didn't have to put up with my shit all week.  That day I left and decided that I would not be able to live with them to take care of them.

It broke my heart knowing that I put in all the hard work of getting my mom back on her feet and he didn't even have the decency to thank me.

[giramomma]

I'm sorry you experienced that.  It's hard when our parents behave like that and you become depleted from basic needs.

I'm wondering if your dad's behavior changed in any way? Is this how he always behaves, from your childhood, and younger adulthood?

If it was newer behavior, I'd be pretty worried about the health of your dad and I would push for him to see a dr.

If it's how he's always been, then I think maybe your plans of moving in with your folks were not appropriate ones.

[ilovedolphins]

That's pretty much the way he has always been.  Everything has to be his way or it's not the right way.  When I told him that my mom needed the pain pills he got all pissed off and said she should just take ibruprofen cuz that's what he would take.

[ilovedolphins]

And now I take her to physical therapy twice a week and her hair appointment once a week.  My dad didn't think she needed physical therapy so I am sure he is blaming me for those medical bills.

Before her fall I would take my mom shopping about twice a week so now that she is feeling better we are back to that.  Plus working a full time job is wearing me out.

When I was staying at my parent's house I got a kidney stone and complained about being in so much pain and my dad shrugged it off and said his back hurt also.  He doesn't know the kind of pain a kidney stone makes.

[mollyanna58]

If it's how he's always been, then I think maybe your plans of moving in with your folks were not appropriate ones.

Most people don't change as they get older.  They just get more: more stubborn, more crabby, whatever.

I take care of my mother's finances.  My sister lives with her and takes care of her.  For the most part, my mother is grateful for our help.  However, she has always been childishly self-centered, and that part of her personality is also coming out more.

I could not live with my mother.  My sister is headed for sainthood.

[quince]

So he's always been an asshole?

Sorry, I know he's your dad. I'm glad you're there to advocate for your mother and provide her with appropriate pain relief and access to the medical care she needs.

[Ombud]

Yes. I slept at my folks every night when dad entered hospice as he was miserable in the private nursing home despite it being lovely -- private or semi-private rooms with patio access from each

So I would leave the hospital for the hour drive to their home each day. I could get there by 5 because I could work a little remotely. I would then make dinner for mom & dad, take care of dad until I went to sleep, and leave by 6 in the morning to be back at work on time. 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day out of the month until he passed away six months later. My siblings would come by during the day sometimes and help out. That was Dad. He was always so grateful if you did anything for him, including just a quick phone call or email. I collapsed shortly afterwards and made the decision to retire within six months of his death. I was worn out, physically and mentally exhausted, and was unable to continue. It took me a year before I could find another job and go on. It also ruined a relationship. But he was my dad

Mom was different. Extremely critical, I never did anything right, she always told my little sister how much she hated her and how she ruined her life. Yet I still went over there every Monday. Another sister went every Tuesday and Thursday. And the little sister that receive so much verbal abuse from my mother would take her a lait every Friday morning. I don't know if she ever truly appreciated any of it. However she was very healthy until the very end. Including a 2 mile walk in the hills the day before she passed away. I'm not sure what would have happened if she had entered hospice. I hate to say it but my littlest sister, the one she hated, and I were searching out a very nice nursing home for her. Our goal was to put her into a nursing home similar to the one we found for Dad. Only this time we would make sure she never had a roommate and always had her large dog in her room. We had found one, but we did not have time to mention it to her before she passed away

It's hard and I feel for what you're going thru

[andi9899]

Yes. My mom had a broken leg and a broken arm and stayed with me since my house is more conducive to a wheelchair. Thing 2 fell and broke her leg the next week and I had both of them to deal with. I wanted to shoot myself every day.

[ilovedolphins]

My dad got mad at everyone because they were cleaning the house and mowing the grass.  The grandkids wanted to help and he didn't like them doing all "his" work.  My niece was going to pay to have a ramp made because the steps were hard on my mom before her fall and my dad said they didn't need a ramp and people could just stop making decisions for them.  I told him he needed to start making decisions that would make it easier for us to take care of them.  Of course the "us" is basically just me.  My brother lives across the street but he has his own set of problems.  

I also go up once a week and bathe my mom until she can do it on her own.  Most of the time I go there my dad either leaves the room or doesn't talk to me.  Oh well....

They are both going deaf and they don't want hearing aides so you have to repeat everything you say 5 times.  And my dad can not hear something and that's ok but he gets mad if my mom can't hear him and he has to repeat himself.

I could go on and on but it does do good to vent here at least.

[ilovedolphins]

They are very adamant that they will never go to a nursing home so I don't know what the future will bring.

[justme]

I'm of the opinion that people that need care in their daily life have two options

1) take a family member up on their offer (no demanding) knowing that the family member has first and last say on almost everything

2) pay for full time care either in your house or a nursing home

[ilovedolphins]

I told my kids that if I acted like that when I was old they could put me in a nursing home after slapping me silly.

My dad even got mad because I made lunch when he went to church.  I couldn't take my mom's blood pressure right, and on and on.

Nothing was ever asked if I needed a break, a shower, some sleep....everybody in my family is very self centered.  I lost 5 lbs in a week because I didn't have time to eat.  

They don't eat supper so I didn't get supper, they go to bed at 6 pm so I was expected to also.  My daughter brought some food because my dad was complaining about how he was supposed to feed everyone and then he complained because the freezer was full.

[flamingo]

I'm watching my mom go through this with her father (my grandpa) now. She's lucky in that her two brothers live closer and can (and do) pitch in. But man, grandpa is cranky and ornery and my grandma, who should be grateful to have a nurse (my mom), an attorney (my uncle 1), and a retired laborer (my uncle 2) around to help out and answer questions for her. Nothing any of them do is good enough. The doctor tells grandma something she doesn't understand, she then yells at my mom for explaining what it means and says she can't possible know that's what the doctor meant. My uncle 1 says, hey don't sign that paperwork until I've read it (when grandpa had to be admitted to a skilled nursing/rehab facility), grandma yells at him for treating her like a baby. Uncle 2 wanted to fix my grandpa's walker for him so he didn't have to lean over so far to reach the basket on it, and grandma yelled at him for messing with it and therefore causing it to be out of warranty  (They've had this walker for 5 years, there is no warranty on it anymore). I keep telling my mom, take notes, this is NOT how it's going to be when it's time for me to take care of her and dad. 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you the best of luck. Based on my experience, it's going to get worse before it gets better, so please take some time to be good to yourself. Being a caregiver for relatives is the worst!

[mollyanna58]

Jul 24, 2016 15:59:28 GMT -5 justme said:

I'm of the opinion that people that need care in their daily life have two options

1) take a family member up on their offer (no demanding) knowing that the family member has first and last say on almost everything

2) pay for full time care either in your house or a nursing home

Dolphin's father probably thinks they would have done just fine without her help.

[Deleted]

Dolphin, DO NOT destroy yourself trying to help people who mistreat you. Let your Dad try to cook, clean, bathe your mother, etc. Check in every so often and remind him what he needs to do/has done incorrectly. Do the minimum you need to take care of your Mom in the meantime. If you let yourself get totally run down or lose your job you'll be of no use to anyone. Take care of yourself first.

[ilovedolphins]

He told me he couldn't take care of her so I know they needed my help.  I looked into home health care and my dad didn't want strangers coming into the house.  Even if it was to give me a couple hours nap time.

If it happens again I will tell them I will take care of my mom in my home or they will have to have home health care.  Hopefully.....

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2016 17:30:25 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

I looked into home health care and my dad didn't want strangers coming into the house.  Even if it was to give me a couple hours nap time. .....

Sorry, but that's too bad that he'd rather that you endanger your health and your livelihood so he can get what he wants. Don't do it.

[ilovedolphins]

My dad could never be a caregiver to anyone.  He has no patience or common sense.  Things will be different the next go around.  He doesn't care how much stress and toll it took on my body to help my mom through this.

[Deleted]

Dolphins, it occurred to me that I sound pretty harsh and I should provide some background. Within the last 3 months I've learned that my 85-year old mother's cancer that she beat 8 years ago has recurred and she's chosen not to fight it. (We support that.) She's getting hospice care at home. We got home from visiting them (2-day drive from here) and DH fell and hurt his back. Finally, after 3 weeks of unremitting pain and being a virtual invalid, and fighting the medical bureaucracy, he got surgery and is improving- but we found out last week that he has acute myelogenic leukemia. This is something we knew could happen when he was diagnosed with polycythemia 10 years ago and we're grateful for the wonderful years we've had and the places we've seen together,

My situation is WAY different from yours and I'm blessed. DH is the same sweet, even-tempered guy he's always been and my mother is exiting this life as gracefully as she lived it and Dad is taking good care of her. My 4 siblings live closer to them (2 to 4 hours away) and look in on them. I'm retired, too. Still, I've been "bad". Once I left DH off at the ER because I figured there was no use wasting both our days sitting around vegetating. I've missed only one day at the gym. I haven't given up my activities because they keep me sane and a more pleasant companion to DH. When he has a bad night (he gets itching and sweating attacks), he goes to the other bedroom so I can sleep. Fortunately, he understands.

Women are socialized to do for everyone else and achieve peace at any price, even if it means denying their own wants and needs. There are people who will take advantage of that and suck you dry and spit you out. I've met a few and was married to one. People who truly love you don't expect you to take care of them to the extent that you burn yourself out, and you shouldn't allow it.

[ilovedolphins]

I don't think that you sound harsh.  I understand completely what you are saying and you are right.  I need to take care of myself because nobody else is going to.

[TheOtherMe]

My mom chose in home hospice.  She also had a woman who helped her with bathing.  She and dad were already getting their noon meals delivered by the local senior center.  My dad would tell you he did not become a caregiver, but he did.  He did so much that mom didn't have to go to a nursing home.

I now take care of the finances.  Mom wrote the last check the day she went in to her final coma.  Dad had never had anything to do with the bank account.  Now he pays the bills as they come in and gives me the bank statements to keep reconciled. 

He kept the cleaning lady mom was using and she treats him great. 

He does not want to go to a nursing home, but he is so stubborn and set in his ways that neither my sister nor I think we can live with him.  I would never be good at care taking and he has said he would never live with my cat.  Guess that means I am out. 

Mom was appreciative of anything anybody did for her.

[ilovedolphins]

My mom also has macular degeneration so can't see very well.  They are both stubborn and don't think they need the help of walkers, cleaners, etc.  In a 6 week period I took my dad to the doctor 6 times and my mom to the doctor an hour away 4 times.  My dad fell twice and my mom pulled a bookshelf over on top of her as well as breaking her shoulder.  Anything I suggest they don't think is a good idea.

I am also trying to hold down a full time job which I think they forget about.  When they worked there wasn't anything that they did extra.  My grandmother had a stroke so she stayed with them till she got back on her feet.  But that was in their home so they still got some work done at home.  And they still talk about it to this day that they did the hard work of getting my grandma back on her feet and then others came and moved her to their house when the hard work was over.  I don't think they realize that is what they did to me.  Just kicked me out when the hard work was done and not in a pleasant way.  My mom did thank me but my dad never will.

Of course, I have never been the favorite so that might play into it also.  

[zibazinski]

Jul 24, 2016 17:33:31 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Jul 24, 2016 17:30:25 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

I looked into home health care and my dad didn't want strangers coming into the house.  Even if it was to give me a couple hours nap time. .....

Sorry, but that's too bad that he'd rather that you endanger your health and your livelihood so he can get what he wants. Don't do it.

I got the same thing from DH. It didn't matter that I was emotionally , mentally, and physically exhausted, he hated having someone else in the house. I hired her the one time anyway and went to Florida to find our winter rental. It took me three days to recover before I could relax enough to not snap at everything and everyone.

[Deleted]

DH has already been informed that when the time comes, he WILL be receiving home health care. it's already a pain in the ass to pick him up off the floor when he falls. Currently he is against my calling the fire dept. to pick him up but there will be a day when I will need to and he will just have to get over it.
For the rest of everyday living, he does the dishes. that's it. That's only because he can sit down at the sink. I'm the lucky ducky who gets to do everything else. And that is why I drink so much!
My dad died suddenly so we never got to that point with him. my mom had a stroke and died in the hospice facility. My FIL received home care but a SIL also took a LOT of his care on herself. He appreciated everything everyone did up until the day he died.

[zibazinski]

Jul 25, 2016 0:23:21 GMT -5 @empressspunkles said:

DH has already been informed that when the time comes, he WILL be receiving home health care. it's already a pain in the ass to pick him up off the floor when he falls. Currently he is against my calling the fire dept. to pick him up but there will be a day when I will need to and he will just have to get over it.
For the rest of everyday living, he does the dishes. that's it. That's only because he can sit down at the sink. I'm the lucky ducky who gets to do everything else. And that is why I drink so much!
My dad died suddenly so we never got to that point with him. my mom had a stroke and died in the hospice facility. My FIL received home care but a SIL also took a LOT of his care on herself. He appreciated everything everyone did up until the day he died.

I couldn't get DH off the floor so if my neighbor wasn't home, I had to call one of his former step kids. If you called 911 they transported you whether you needed it or not.

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2016 0:23:21 GMT -5 @empressspunkles said:

For the rest of everyday living, he does the dishes. that's it. That's only because he can sit down at the sink. I'm the lucky ducky who gets to do everything else. And that is why I drink so much!

I hear ya.  The day I dropped DH off at the ER to have his back checked out, it was because I needed to do grocery shopping and a Costco run (we always do that on Fridays and it's a couple of hours since Costco is 1/2 hour away), PLUS get in a workout, PLUS pick up more mortar for the back porch I was tiling, PLUS run to a town in the opposite direction to pick up my race packet for a triathlon on Sunday (had to be done in advance).  DH had volunteered to do that but, oh, well.  Five hours later, not having heard from him, I went over and found they were planning to operate.  I left again, found out later they admitted him for the night, so I went over to bring him books and toiletries.  I got everything done and got home at 8 PM with Chinese take-out and poured myself a glass of wine and binge-watched "Say Yes to the Dress". 

DH used to make dinner- he doesn't anymore because he's weak and he eats very little himself.  So, I have to do that.  (I happily make or pick up whatever he DOES want to eat, like DQ milkshakes- who cares about cholesterol at this point?- but I can't eat the calorie-dense stuff he needs.)  He's eating so little he's down to 137 lbs, and is over 6 feet tall, so at least picking him up if he falls isn't a challenge. 

But... I still have a whiny little voice in the back of my head saying,  "Who's gonna take care of ME when I'm old and creaky?"  and have some "poor me" episodes.  My actual plan is a good assisted living place near DS so it's not all that dismal.  I have a couple of names of good psychotherapists if I need the support.

And Zib, I totally get the trip to FL.  After my mother departs this life, if DH is stable, I'm going to London for a few days by myself, although now I'm thinking Costa Rica- it may be winter and I'd get kinder weather and less jet lag.  DH, bless him, thinks it's a great idea.

[happyhoix]

 Very sorry you're going through this.

My mom is a piece of work, always angry and insulting to other people, never appreciative when anyone helps her, never empathetic about what other people are going through. She was abusive to my dad when he was dying of alzheimers and now that she's got dementia and living in an assisted living facility, she's still the same crabby mean person she's always been, only amplified.

It was bad enough when my dad was dying that my older sister and I were looking into filing an adult protective services complaint against her so we could get control of my dad and enough of his assets we could get him into a good quality nursing home, but he died before we could set that in motion.

Now that Mom has dementia and is living in a home, older DS and I take care of her, because the youngest DS claims 'she can't handle it.'  Not only does she never thank us (I drive 3 hours to see her, and 3 hours home on each of my visits) she usually yells at us for something we haven't done, or because she thinks we're someone else. I know what you mean about hurting yourself lifting your mom, because over the five years we've been taking care of her, I've wrenched my knee twice and I've got a chronic bad back from lifting her from her wheelchair to the toilet and back.

I've told DS and DH that the can hit me in the head with a shovel if I get like that - but probably I'll take myself out at the first signs of alzheimers or dementia. No way I want to live with that quality of life, and no doubt the very worst parts of my personality would surface. No one wants to see that.

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2016 12:47:52 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

 

I've told DS and DH that the can hit me in the head with a shovel if I get like that - but probably I'll take myself out at the first signs of alzheimers or dementia. No way I want to live with that quality of life, and no doubt the very worst parts of my personality would surface. No one wants to see that.

DH and I watch a lot of reality TV shows about veterinarians. When an animal gets so sick that it has zero quality of life and expensive intervention isn't worth it, the owner hugs it while the doc injects a strong tranquilizer and then stops the heart with another injection.

DH and I wish that humans in our state had that option.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jul 25, 2016 13:02:05 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Jul 25, 2016 12:47:52 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

 

I've told DS and DH that the can hit me in the head with a shovel if I get like that - but probably I'll take myself out at the first signs of alzheimers or dementia. No way I want to live with that quality of life, and no doubt the very worst parts of my personality would surface. No one wants to see that.

DH and I watch a lot of reality TV shows about veterinarians. When an animal gets so sick that it has zero quality of life and expensive intervention isn't worth it, the owner hugs it while the doc injects a strong tranquilizer and then stops the heart with another injection.

DH and I wish that humans in our state had that option.

I live in a state that has this option, but it still isn't that simple.  We would have to go to Seattle because all of the local hospitals will not comply with this as they are Catholic hospitals.  If a doctor wants admitting privileges, he or she must comply with the hospital's edict.

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2016 7:01:17 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Jul 25, 2016 0:23:21 GMT -5 @empressspunkles said:

DH has already been informed that when the time comes, he WILL be receiving home health care. it's already a pain in the ass to pick him up off the floor when he falls. Currently he is against my calling the fire dept. to pick him up but there will be a day when I will need to and he will just have to get over it.
For the rest of everyday living, he does the dishes. that's it. That's only because he can sit down at the sink. I'm the lucky ducky who gets to do everything else. And that is why I drink so much!
My dad died suddenly so we never got to that point with him. my mom had a stroke and died in the hospice facility. My FIL received home care but a SIL also took a LOT of his care on herself. He appreciated everything everyone did up until the day he died.

I couldn't get DH off the floor so if my neighbor wasn't home, I had to call one of his former step kids. If you called 911 they transported you whether you needed it or not.

Here, if you call on the non-emergency line, don't have to worry about the ride to the hospital. A Lt. from the FD told me that when we were chatting one time. MIL and SIL said the same thing as they used to have to do the same for FIL.