What would be your response?

[Tiny]

A thought experiment:

Pretend you are about 50 years old and in reasonable health and your friends are about the same.  You guys don't talk too indepth about your own health stuff (because most of it's pretty mundane).  

You call up a friend who you see once or twice a month to see if they want to go out on the weekend and they reply back with "No, I'm having surgery on Thursday" anndddd silence from them.     

What's your first response to that?  

 

(fwiw:  the surgery was oral surgery and they could drive themselves home afterwards.  Aftercare was a follow up apt 10 days later).

[ArchietheDragon]

"oh no. Well when you recover we will have to go out for get well beers."

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I'm sorry.  Is there any thing I can help you with?

[Tiny]

OK, good. I kind of 'flubbed it' because I was like "Oh no! Are you ok? Do you need someone to look after the dogs while you are out of commission? Is there anything else I can do?"  

To which we had the awkward "What?" thing going on. Until it was clarified what was going on  (they'd be fine afterwards, no hospital stay, etc.).  

I think I misread the dramatic silence that followed the announcement and assumed it was something really bad.   
 

[lexxy703]

Oh sorry, I didn't know. Is there anything you need me to do for you?

[milee]

"Oh, I didn't realize.  Well, good luck and speedy recovery.  Let me know if you need anything."

[ken a.k.a OMK]

This recently happened to me with a friend I speak to daily. I had no idea. After my shock I asked if there was anything I could do. He said he'd call me if needed. I wished him well. He was scared. Turns out he shared it with a few of us but said not to tell anyone. Kind of funny when we all found out who knew. It wasn't anything serious afterward.

[Tiny]

Jul 18, 2016 14:00:30 GMT -5 ken a.k.a OMK said:

This recently happened to me with a friend I speak to daily. I had no idea. After my shock I asked if there was anything I could do. He said he'd call me if needed. I wished him well. He was scared. Turns out he shared it with a few of us but said not to tell anyone. Kind of funny when we all found out who knew. It wasn't anything serious afterward.

Yes, my friend was very frightened. They had a gum tissue graft surgery.   A couple of people at work have had it done. It didn't seem to horrible - just unpleasant/inconvenient because everyone likes to eat/drink     

[Opti]

Oh. What kind of surgery? And then see how the conversation goes from there.

[kittensaver]

"Oh wow. Is everything okay? Anything I can do to help?"

[milee]

Jul 18, 2016 14:06:33 GMT -5 Opti said:

Oh. What kind of surgery? And then see how the conversation goes from there.

Everybody's different, but I'd think that's pretty rude to ask about a health condition.  If the person wanted to give further details, he would.  Otherwise, I don't think it's very polite to ask.  YMMV.

[kittensaver]

Jul 18, 2016 14:09:17 GMT -5 milee said:

Jul 18, 2016 14:06:33 GMT -5 Opti said:

Oh. What kind of surgery? And then see how the conversation goes from there.

Everybody's different, but I'd think that's pretty rude to ask about a health condition.  If the person wanted to give further details, he would.  Otherwise, I don't think it's very polite to ask.  YMMV.

I agree if this is a colleague or casual acquaintance. A good friend? Someone you really care about? No - I'd ask in a heartbeat so I can be there to support them.

[billisonboard]

Jul 18, 2016 13:51:05 GMT -5 Tiny said:

... What's your first response to that?

Actually been there. My first response was, "Okay my friend. You don't get to just drop that on me. What gives?" She gave a nervous laugh and said, "Female issue." "Enough said. Best of fortune and we will talk later."

[NastyWoman]

Jul 18, 2016 13:59:59 GMT -5 Tiny said:

OK, good. I kind of 'flubbed it' because I was like "Oh no! Are you ok? Do you need someone to look after the dogs while you are out of commission? Is there anything else I can do?"  

To which we had the awkward "What?" thing going on. Until it was clarified what was going on  (they'd be fine afterwards, no hospital stay, etc.).  

I think I misread the dramatic silence that followed the announcement and assumed it was something really bad.   
 

I think I would have said exactly what you said, whether or not an ominous silence followed her statement

[milee]

Jul 18, 2016 14:15:30 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Jul 18, 2016 14:09:17 GMT -5 milee said:

Everybody's different, but I'd think that's pretty rude to ask about a health condition.  If the person wanted to give further details, he would.  Otherwise, I don't think it's very polite to ask.  YMMV.

I agree if this is a colleague or casual acquaintance. A good friend? Someone you really care about? No - I'd ask in a heartbeat so I can be there to support them.

You do not need to know what the issue is to be there to support them.  You know they are having surgery, you can help them in many ways.  Asking WHY they are having surgery is more about your curiosity than being there to help them.

As Bill's example shows, there are plenty of reasons people might have surgery that they don't want to discuss with others.  And especially a good friend will be there and help without being nosy...  Again, JMHO.

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 18, 2016 14:15:30 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Jul 18, 2016 14:09:17 GMT -5 milee said:

Everybody's different, but I'd think that's pretty rude to ask about a health condition.  If the person wanted to give further details, he would.  Otherwise, I don't think it's very polite to ask.  YMMV.

I agree if this is a colleague or casual acquaintance. A good friend? Someone you really care about? No - I'd ask in a heartbeat so I can be there to support them.

I would too but with the caveat "But only if you want to talk about it - if not then just let me know what I can do to help".

And it was really hard pretending I'm 50 years old and all. 

[kittensaver]

Just to be clear - I would ask by saying: "would you like to talk about it?" If they want to - fine; if not, fine also. I would never badger someone to reveal a diagnosis.

[Lizard Queen]

With an acquaintance, I'd probably just wish them well, but with a friend, I would ask. I'm never pushy, so if they didn't seem to want to talk about it, I'd drop it. But, in general, if you don't have friends to talk about this stuff with, who do you have?

[kittensaver]

Jul 18, 2016 14:50:03 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

With an acquaintance, I'd probably just wish them well, but with a friend, I would ask. I'm never pushy, so if they didn't seem to want to talk about it, I'd drop it. But, in general, if you don't have friends to talk about this stuff with, who do you have?

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 18, 2016 14:50:03 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

With an acquaintance, I'd probably just wish them well, but with a friend, I would ask. I'm never pushy, so if they didn't seem to want to talk about it, I'd drop it. But, in general, if you don't have friends to talk about this stuff with, who do you have?

Some people have acquaintances that they consider friends but they aren't really good friends where they know them intimately. 

But I'd do the same for acquaintances if I like them enough.  That's just how I roll.  Some people think I'm warm and friendly and some find me nosy and annoying.  They are all correct! 

[Deleted]

See, if i really didn't want someone to know i'd just say i was busy. If i said i can't because surgery, i'd assume i'd be giving more details. 

I thnk you handled it fine.  

[Tiny]

Jul 18, 2016 14:31:15 GMT -5 milee said:

Jul 18, 2016 14:15:30 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

I agree if this is a colleague or casual acquaintance. A good friend? Someone you really care about? No - I'd ask in a heartbeat so I can be there to support them.

You do not need to know what the issue is to be there to support them.  You know they are having surgery, you can help them in many ways.  Asking WHY they are having surgery is more about your curiosity than being there to help them.

As Bill's example shows, there are plenty of reasons people might have surgery that they don't want to discuss with others.  And especially a good friend will be there and help without being nosy...  Again, JMHO.

I think it was more in the delivery... the silence that came afterwards, would indicate some sort of a response was required AND there wasn't really a lot of hints as to how to proceeed.    I would have thought if they didn't want to talk about the 'surgery' they would have added a statement that directed the conversation a bit.    As in "I'm have surgery on Thursday and will be off my feet for a few days.  Maybe we can do X at a later date?."     Which communicates some information/how to proceed:  "Oh no. hope it goes well.  do you need help with anything? I'm a phone call away.... and so on". 

I do know where milee is coming from - I've made mistakes and given the wrong response in the past (not to this person)  --asked a more direct question with the intent to express concern and gotten a very cold 'put in my place' response back.  

 

 

[dannylion]

It is never out of place to express concern or offer to help.

If the recipient of the offer is unable to accept in a gracious manner, or explain a misunderstanding graciously,  that reflects on the recipient, not the offerer.

Sounds like it got sorted out without anyone's dignity being squished, just a little communication confusion.

[mroped]

"Man you're getting old and falling apart! Call me when you're better so we can go to this place!"

[Happy prose]

Well I think when they said they were having surgery, they wanted you to ask what kind. It's like the people on FB that post 'say prayers for me', or 'worst day of my life'. Closet attention whores. 

[milee]

Jul 18, 2016 18:44:31 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

Well I think when they said they were having surgery, they wanted you to ask what kind. It's like the people on FB that post 'say prayers for me', or 'worst day of my life'. Closet attention whores. 

If the friend called out of the blue and announced they were having surgery, I'd be inclined to agree with that.  But in this case, the friend only brought up the surgery in response to a direct invitation from OP.  OP asked if the friend wanted to go out and friend was probably scrambling on how to reply.  Friend didn't want to just say "no" because without any other explanation, a flat no sounds like a rejection from the friend.  Friend also may feel weird lying about why he can't go out.  So friend replies with the surgery explanation as a way to explain that he would normally say "yes" to the invite, but it's just not good timing.  An example, I have a friend who I sail and do water sports with who just had to have some sort of growth or boil (I didn't ask details...) removed from the top of her butt crack... thinking she probably wasn't going to want to participate in sports for a while but doesn't necessarily want to discuss details with people.  

Turns out in OP's case, the surgery wasn't anything embarrassing or awkward, but there are other reasons that someone might just say "surgery" without any more explanation.  The person wants you to know they might be a little under the weather or moving slow or whatever, but not talk about details.  Or the person might not be worried about embarrassment, but might not want to talk any more about something he's already freaked out about (not everybody's like this, but for some people, they don't want others to talk more about or make a deal about things they're already scared or worried about.)

Anyway, everybody's different.  Just throwing out some legit reasons for someone to just say "surgery" with no more explanation, and that person is not being an attention whore and just wants to drop the whole thing.

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 18, 2016 14:37:56 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Jul 18, 2016 14:15:30 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

I agree if this is a colleague or casual acquaintance. A good friend? Someone you really care about? No - I'd ask in a heartbeat so I can be there to support them.

I would too but with the caveat "But only if you want to talk about it - if not then just let me know what I can do to help".

And it was really hard pretending I'm 50 years old and all. 

Me too  

[Opti]

Jul 18, 2016 14:09:17 GMT -5 milee said:

Jul 18, 2016 14:06:33 GMT -5 Opti said:

Oh. What kind of surgery? And then see how the conversation goes from there.

Everybody's different, but I'd think that's pretty rude to ask about a health condition.  If the person wanted to give further details, he would.  Otherwise, I don't think it's very polite to ask.  YMMV.

I don't think its rude to ask about a health condition someone brings up. In fact, I think it would be weird to not acknowledge that in any way and drop it like a hot potato.

I am the last person to ever ask a woman if she might be pregnant, but as a receptionist in a health care facility I have so many visitors and patients say something like that although usually without a long silence. Every one of them has wanted to talk about it and they are the ones who determine how much they want to reveal and discuss. IMO if they didn't want to discuss the surgery, they wouldn't have mentioned it at all. I know I can appear rude to all of you who have these (to me) odd rules of what's bad behavior that I was never taught.

[hoops902]

"I didn't ask if you wanted to go out Thursday, I asked if you wanted to go out this weekend.  Don't be a *****"

[Tiny]

Jul 19, 2016 7:19:15 GMT -5 milee said:

Jul 18, 2016 18:44:31 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

Well I think when they said they were having surgery, they wanted you to ask what kind. It's like the people on FB that post 'say prayers for me', or 'worst day of my life'. Closet attention whores. 

If the friend called out of the blue and announced they were having surgery, I'd be inclined to agree with that.  But in this case, the friend only brought up the surgery in response to a direct invitation from OP.  OP asked if the friend wanted to go out and friend was probably scrambling on how to reply.  Friend didn't want to just say "no" because without any other explanation, a flat no sounds like a rejection from the friend.  Friend also may feel weird lying about why he can't go out.  So friend replies with the surgery explanation as a way to explain that he would normally say "yes" to the invite, but it's just not good timing.  An example, I have a friend who I sail and do water sports with who just had to have some sort of growth or boil (I didn't ask details...) removed from the top of her butt crack... thinking she probably wasn't going to want to participate in sports for a while but doesn't necessarily want to discuss details with people.  

Turns out in OP's case, the surgery wasn't anything embarrassing or awkward, but there are other reasons that someone might just say "surgery" without any more explanation.  The person wants you to know they might be a little under the weather or moving slow or whatever, but not talk about details.  Or the person might not be worried about embarrassment, but might not want to talk any more about something he's already freaked out about (not everybody's like this, but for some people, they don't want others to talk more about or make a deal about things they're already scared or worried about.)

Anyway, everybody's different.  Just throwing out some legit reasons for someone to just say "surgery" with no more explanation, and that person is not being an attention whore and just wants to drop the whole thing.

I do agree with the situations/reasons outlined above.    Except in my case,  that dramatic silence after the announcement was what thru me off.    I even gave it a moment to see if something more was going to be said, but it was just silence - waiting for my response.    In that respect, it was a bit like the FB  "closet attention whores".     Generally, when you want to avoid a topic you change the subject OR redirect the conversation while it's YOUR turn talking.    

You all have given me some good stuff to think about when dealing with "out of the blue" announcements of "bad stuff" that's happening in the lives of people I'm friends with (care about) but where I'm not intimate with every detail of their lives.    Getting older so these things potentially come up more often. 

And the "50 yo old" thing was because I think there's assumptions made about the situations of the people involved in my thought experiment that MIGHT be based on age/health.   What kind of surgery (and maybe the seriousness) might be assumed based on the age/health of the person involved.    And I was going for something 'out of the blue' and somewhat unexpected (older but in general good health).