Getting cold feet

[MJ2.0]

The "full time school, part time work" thing is starting to sound kinda crazy to me right now. Maybe if I just find a job in construction/estimating right now and take classes part time.... At least I'll be getting to work in the field while learning. My share of DS's aftercare for school is almost $200/month, so my total amount to X will now be around $400/month. Plus I need to get out a life insurance policy on X that will cost me monthly. Plus health insurance..... And DS has been talking about having a birthday party for months now and X is being a complete dick about helping me with one.


I just want to curl up in the corner with some white wine and cookie ice cream for the next several weeks.

[gs11rmb]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  Isn't your son about 4? That means you've only another year until he's in school fulltime and the aftercare costs will drop dramatically.  Are you able to 'gut it out' for that year via student loans?

[MJ2.0]

DS goes to "school" from 9-3 because he tends to get overwhelmed with large and relatively unorganized groups (before and aftercare there is pretty unstructured and he NEEDS structure). His current aftercare is XMIL. XFIL is having health problems and will have to cut back his hours, so XMIL will have to start working full time. Because of that, she won't be able to be our aftercare. Here Kindy is full-day (9-3). The school offers before and aftercare. We chose aftercare since we have no choice. That won't be going away any time soon.

[gs11rmb]

Wait, your school charges $400 a month just for a couple of hours of aftercare every day? That's insane.  I'm sorry, that really sucks.  If I remember correctly you're going back to school to study some sort of engineering.  If the starting salary is good it might be better to take out the loans you need and get through the program as quickly as possible.

[yogiii]

Yes, it's about the same where I am

[MJ2.0]

Yup - expensive ass Central NJ....

[gs11rmb]

That's lousy. My daughter's school charges $60 per week and when her sister joins it will be $50 for her. So, $240 for one girl and $440 for two. Finally, something cheaper in Atlanta! I can see why you are feeling anxious because you'll be paying those costs for years to come. Also, I hope your EX stops being a dick about your son's party.

[giramomma]

Our afterschool program at (private) school runs $300/month/kid.

That's why DH gets up at the ass crack of dawn so he can pick the kids up from school when school lets out. Otherwise, our afterschool care bill would run 900/month this year.

I get the cold feet.

I also think you can do it. Change is freaking scary. The unknowns are scary. And when you are responsible for a kid and you have unknowns, it sucks. I am with you on that. I'm going through that right now.

You have a spot though, in a program. I wouldn't give that up for anything right now. Even our engineering department on campus has had some major cuts. It's going to get uglier, with more cuts and continued tuition freeze.

Your son is also in an awesome sweet spot right now. You can still get away with not putting him in activities, etc. He's still cheap. He doesn't want a PS4 for his birthday, especially since many of his friends are getting them. I'm betting he probably doesn't have too much of a clothing preference, either.  School supplies are cheap. Braces won't be on the radar for a few years yet, (worst case.)

So Just do it.  Go all the way. Don't try to part time it. You will push things off if you go part time.

ETA: Health insurance? Does your school offer it? If so, get it. Ours was really good. And fairly cheap. I looked, and this years rates for a parent and child run 460/month. Your deductible is 600/person. If you use the health care offices at our university, everything is free and it covers primary care, gyn, allergies/immunizations, and therapy of all kinds.

[Deleted]

Just do it. You will be glad you did. What are you doing part time? What does it bring in? Have you applied for any aid? Not just school but assistance if needed. That's what it's for in my opinion, short term needs while you are trying to better your situation. 

Also would your support drop if your income goes down? 

[Wisconsin Beth]

My kids are in the before school care program. For two hours. It was $19 a day for both of them. I know the cost is going up slightly for next year but I don't remember the amount. But 19x5=95 per week. So $380 a month.

It's VERY hard to get into the after school care and only somewhat easier to get in the am program.

[MJ2.0]

Jun 30, 2016 9:02:36 GMT -5 oped said:

Just do it. You will be glad you did. What are you doing part time? What does it bring in? Have you applied for any aid? Not just school but assistance if needed. That's what it's for in my opinion, short term needs while you are trying to better your situation. 

Also would your support drop if your income goes down? 

I've been trying to secure part time work for a while. It's hard because right now my availability is pretty low (Saturday after 4pm and all day Sunday). I applied to Aldi as an associate and even stated on the application that my availability will increase starting August - still nothing. I am probably going to say something to my bosses about being available part time as the position I was in before I was promoted.

Re: support - because it's a voluntary decrease in income, support amount is unaffected.

[thyme4change]

How long will it take you to get through school?

Imagine yourself in 5 years.  Which will you hate more, the idea that the last 5 years was crazy, but now you are done, or the idea that you have 3 more years to go?  

In the "Just do it" mantra - you can always try it for a year, and then say "Well, that sucked" and then execute plan B of getting a job in estimating and slowing down your school plans.  But, if you execute plan B now, you probably won't level up to your full blown plan, unless you get super frustrated that plan B is taking too long.  You just have to decide which regret you can live with.    

Unfortunately, these big decisions - no right or wrong answer, you just have to pick one and try it.  

[Deleted]

Jeez.  I cannot imagine $400/month for a couple hours of after school care.  I pay about $500/month for full-time summer care which includes weekly field trips and swimming lessons. 

I'm also in the, "suck it up and just do it" camp.  One of my big school regrets was that I didn't just get in, get it done and get out.  I kept dragging it on with the working fulltime and going to school part-time and it just went on forever.  Also, I used to think the young years were the ones where the kids needed you the most, but I'm learning that's definitely not true.  The sooner you're done the better!

[Deleted]

Jun 30, 2016 9:12:28 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jun 30, 2016 9:02:36 GMT -5 oped said:

Just do it. You will be glad you did. What are you doing part time? What does it bring in? Have you applied for any aid? Not just school but assistance if needed. That's what it's for in my opinion, short term needs while you are trying to better your situation. 

Also would your support drop if your income goes down? 

I've been trying to secure part time work for a while. It's hard because right now my availability is pretty low (Saturday after 4pm and all day Sunday). I applied to Aldi as an associate and even stated on the application that my availability will increase starting August - still nothing. I am probably going to say something to my bosses about being available part time as the position I was in before I was promoted.

Re: support - because it's a voluntary decrease in income, support amount is unaffected.

Yet when your income increases because of better job I'm sure he won't hesitate to ask for an increase? 

[Deleted]

Could you get J after school? 

[giramomma]

Jun 30, 2016 9:12:28 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jun 30, 2016 9:02:36 GMT -5 oped said:

Just do it. You will be glad you did. What are you doing part time? What does it bring in? Have you applied for any aid? Not just school but assistance if needed. That's what it's for in my opinion, short term needs while you are trying to better your situation. 

Also would your support drop if your income goes down? 

I've been trying to secure part time work for a while. It's hard because right now my availability is pretty low (Saturday after 4pm and all day Sunday). I applied to Aldi as an associate and even stated on the application that my availability will increase starting August - still nothing. I am probably going to say something to my bosses about being available part time as the position I was in before I was promoted.

Re: support - because it's a voluntary decrease in income, support amount is unaffected.

Does your college campus have a student job center? There's also networking with instructors.

Before DH started his master's program, he took one course. Decided he liked things, and asked the professor if there was any work he could do. He got a part time job in his field on campus before he started his degree program.

Getting part time work IS really tough, especially when you have an adult job. It took me 9 months to land an extra job after my teaching revenue dried up. I ended up working at an after school program at a local gym. I'm glad he took a chance on me.

ETA: At our college, there is a huge support system for parents in college. There's grant money for specifically moms attending college. There's grant money to help with daycare costs..other parents band together, because they are in the same boat. Lots of babysitting, etc. A few years ago, there was even a student group whose mission was to provide single moms with free daycare like 4-6 hours a week so they could study, do homework, etc.

[thyme4change]

Jun 30, 2016 9:25:44 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jeez.  I cannot imagine $400/month for a couple hours of after school care.  I pay about $500/month for full-time summer care which includes weekly field trips and swimming lessons. 

I'm also in the, "suck it up and just do it" camp.  One of my big school regrets was that I didn't just get in, get it done and get out.  I kept dragging it on with the working fulltime and going to school part-time and it just went on forever.  Also, I used to think the young years were the ones where the kids needed you the most, but I'm learning that's definitely not true.  The sooner you're done the better!

I agree.  And, yes, kids remember stuff from when they are 4 years old, but if you really think about it - your memories of your parents are largely from middle school and high school.  You want to be around for those.  

Get student loans - everyone is doing it.  There is absolutely no risk.  

[MJ2.0]

Jun 30, 2016 9:18:08 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

How long will it take you to get through school?

Imagine yourself in 5 years.  Which will you hate more, the idea that the last 5 years was crazy, but now you are done, or the idea that you have 3 more years to go?  

In the "Just do it" mantra - you can always try it for a year, and then say "Well, that sucked" and then execute plan B of getting a job in estimating and slowing down your school plans.  But, if you execute plan B now, you probably won't level up to your full blown plan, unless you get super frustrated that plan B is taking too long.  You just have to decide which regret you can live with.    

Unfortunately, these big decisions - no right or wrong answer, you just have to pick one and try it.  

Yeah... I was thinking about going the first year full time and seeing how it goes and what I'd want to do after regarding work.

[MJ2.0]

Oh, and it's a 5 year program.

[MJ2.0]

Jun 30, 2016 9:26:25 GMT -5 oped said:

Could you get J after school? 

Depends on the day. We chose aftercare every day because my schedule (work and school) won't be reliable enough for the whole calendar year.

[MJ2.0]

Jun 30, 2016 8:59:59 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Our afterschool program at (private) school runs $300/month/kid.

That's why DH gets up at the ass crack of dawn so he can pick the kids up from school when school lets out. Otherwise, our afterschool care bill would run 900/month this year.

I get the cold feet.

I also think you can do it. Change is freaking scary. The unknowns are scary. And when you are responsible for a kid and you have unknowns, it sucks. I am with you on that. I'm going through that right now.

You have a spot though, in a program. I wouldn't give that up for anything right now. Even our engineering department on campus has had some major cuts. It's going to get uglier, with more cuts and continued tuition freeze.

Your son is also in an awesome sweet spot right now. You can still get away with not putting him in activities, etc. He's still cheap. He doesn't want a PS4 for his birthday, especially since many of his friends are getting them. I'm betting he probably doesn't have too much of a clothing preference, either.  School supplies are cheap. Braces won't be on the radar for a few years yet, (worst case.)

So Just do it.  Go all the way. Don't try to part time it. You will push things off if you go part time.

ETA: Health insurance? Does your school offer it? If so, get it. Ours was really good. And fairly cheap. I looked, and this years rates for a parent and child run 460/month. Your deductible is 600/person. If you use the health care offices at our university, everything is free and it covers primary care, gyn, allergies/immunizations, and therapy of all kinds.

The CC does not offer health insurance, so I'll have to get that on my own.

[zibazinski]

That's odd about the child support. A friend of mine was married to an attorney who decided to teach high school after their divorce and oh, yes, his child support was lowered big time. 
I agree. Go to your school and ask for help. Also, is your child's school located near a middle or high school? An older student might be willing to watch him after school for less than $400 a month.

[MJ2.0]

Jun 30, 2016 9:47:30 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

That's odd about the child support. A friend of mine was married to an attorney who decided to teach high school after their divorce and oh, yes, his child support was lowered big time. 
I agree. Go to your school and ask for help. Also, is your child's school located near a middle or high school? An older student might be willing to watch him after school for less than $400 a month.

I'd have to get X's approval which has a 95% chance of being "no". It took me a year to convince him that DS should be in preschool/daycare.

[zibazinski]

I doubt that this ex gave her approval but the court allowed it. I'd ask because you know that when your income goes up, he will ask for more support.  

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I think you should file for a CS re-assessment anyway. Maybe it's a state thing, but where I live my XH actually lied about how his income was reduced. I pointed out how what he was saying was both non-sensical and if it was accurate, it was voluntary; he was still allowed to reduce his CS obligation.  

A family member has a JD. He originally intended to work for the FBI in law enforcement. He thought the JD would help him with that. Because of his divorce, he doesn't work for the FBI because if he did he'd have to move away from his kids. He was allowed to reduce his CS because he continues to work for local police and not utilize his JD even though he has the qualifications to be a lawyer. As an XW, I'd understand why that would be frustrating if the amount of CS I received was reduced when my XH could be a practicing lawyer but chose not to, but I also understand why he filed for re-assessment. 



But most important of all--GO TO SCHOOL. You will accomplish so many things

• Knowing you can accomplish whatever you want
• Being in an industry that makes you happy
• Increasing your income potential more quickly
• Showing your DS that education is important
• Showing your DS that life involves many facets and it's possible to balance them

[suesinfl]

Put me in the just do it group. I wish I had. It took me 7 years to finish my bachelor degree. I worked full-time and went to school part-time. I'm also divorced but the kids live with me and sometimes there was CS and sometimes not, I covered all insurances, daycare costs, etc. But I also used resources that were available to me (hand up not a hand out). Not proud of it, but sometimes you do what you have to do in order to create a better life for your children and yourself.


Also, put me in the camp that tweens/teens will need you more than younger ones and are more expensive. Which I always thought was crazy, until I actually lived it. The sacrifices you may encounter, will pay off for both of you. I wish you the best and have faith in you.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Umm, my 17 year old is getting cold feet about going to the college he finally settled on and about the major he chose.

In other words, your feelings are quite common and not unexpected.

How connected are you to the CC so far?  Have you joined the incoming class Facebook page (if not to post, at least to lurk and get a sense of who your classmates will be)?  Have you gone to orientation?  Take a long lunch and wander over to campus and walk around getting the lay of the land.  Buy one of your textbooks and start looking it over.  Grab lunch in the cafeteria and scope out the scene.  Things might be quiet now because it's summer session so student numbers are lower, but that will give you a chance to check everything out before the semester starts.  

Do it.  You HATE your current job.  You WANT to do this.  Money WILL be tight, but, so what?  You can cut to the necessities and be fine.  Do the birthday party at a playground with a picnic with cupcakes and drinks and your son will LOVE it.  

C'mon, don't chicken out now.  You're almost there.  The first step is the hardest.  You got this!!!!

[suesinfl]

Jun 30, 2016 10:01:52 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I think you should file for a CS re-assessment anyway. Maybe it's a state thing, but where I live my XH actually lied about how his income was reduced. I pointed out how what he was saying was both non-sensical and if it was accurate, it was voluntary; he was still allowed to reduce his CS obligation.  

A family member has a JD. He originally intended to work for the FBI in law enforcement. He thought the JD would help him with that. Because of his divorce, he doesn't work for the FBI because if he did he'd have to move away from his kids. He was allowed to reduce his CS because he continues to work for local police and not utilize his JD even though he has the qualifications to be a lawyer. As an XW, I'd understand why that would be frustrating if the amount of CS I received was reduced when my XH could be a practicing lawyer but chose not to, but I also understand why he filed for re-assessment. 



But most important of all--GO TO SCHOOL. You will accomplish so many things

• Knowing you can accomplish whatever you want
• Being in an industry that makes you happy
• Increasing your income potential more quickly
• Showing your DS that education is important
• Showing your DS that life involves many facets and it's possible to balance them

Bolded  fortunately my kids saw me struggle with balancing everything and understand why I did what I did. Both kids know how important education is, how to set priorities, and hard work does pay off. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Oh, and stop in at Aldi and ask to speak to the manager and express your great interest to work there.  Explain how your availability will increase in August.  Both of my kids were able to get pretty decent jobs this summer by being persistent.  Respectful, but persistent.  

[MJ2.0]

Jun 30, 2016 9:57:05 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I doubt that this ex gave her approval but the court allowed it. I'd ask because you know that when your income goes up, he will ask for more support.  

I was referring to the alternative care options.