daylight
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Post by daylight on Mar 20, 2011 17:21:45 GMT -5
This isn't a kid, it's an adult with failure to launch issues. I think that is a bit extreme and melodramatic. What really strikes me about Achelois's original post is that few parents realize that their kid has entitlement issues...but she did. I thought OP pretty much agreed to zib's definition in previous posts and the discussion revolves around how to launch the adult son, not about the existence of any issues. I realize you assess the situation very differently, but I still think that a 32-year old grown man should not quit his job over a co-worker, should not quit his job without having a new one lined up and should not desire moving back in with mom, because it's not healthy. Now, a multiple generation household with grandkids to come is another matter altogether...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 20, 2011 17:34:01 GMT -5
There's that.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 22, 2011 12:00:51 GMT -5
He has never been a mooch and has always been a good saver, but I do think he has something of an entitlement attitude in that he resents the idea that costs of living on his own would interfere with his savings goals and his lifestyle spending. I don't want to encourage him to do something that would result in his becoming financially dependent on me, however inadvertently, or hurt his chances at a good job(such as a gap in his employment history). He feels it is none of a prospective employer's business if there is a gap--I tell him that a prospective employer may feel differently and the employer controls the job opportunity. I do feel bad about the work situation and understand what is causing his stress, but don't think running away is the answer. I support his intention to find a job that is less stressful, but in an appropriate fashion. No one should have to stay in a job that he truly cannot abide, unless there is absolutely NO alternative, but he needs to go about leaving that job in a way that does not cause longterm financial harm. I just hope this does not cause longterm estrangement between us. He is rather angry with me at the moment. I will ask him about the traveling nurse idea, though; he is single and unattached at the moment, so it wouldn't cause relationship issues. "Asituation like that would be ripe for you having issues with your son especially as he has a diploma RN and not a BSN. Most places want a BSN. Yes it's hard, and yes it will take time, but he needs to grow up and you won't be helping him to do so by letting him move in with you" I hate to say it, but deep down I have to say I agree with you This post really says it all, I'm afraid. Anyone who "resents" the fact that living expenses eat into their fun money has not had enough contact with reality yet. Please, please listen to the overwhelming opinion on this thread. I haven't read all the responses so someone may have already said this, but in the long term your son will resent you MUCH, MUCH MORE for not letting him learn how to stand on his own two feet. Many of us here, myself included, were quite angry when our parents initially insisted that we be self-sufficient, but quickly became very grateful for it. Personally, I am more grateful with every passing day. You can't do your child a bigger favor than teaching personal responsibility, however little he likes it at the time.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 22, 2011 12:04:58 GMT -5
Well, sorry my assessment is different than yours. If it was my son, and he had been employed and working and paying his bills, i wouldn't have any problem with him coming and crashing with me for a bit of time, looking for a new job and again, i wouldn't charge my son rent or anything for that matter but that is how i roll. I am not saying that if the son has been demonstrated to be a mooch, glom or whatever that one should not try to discourage that. But, i would give my son every chance in the world but ultimately if i had to kick him out to help him, i would . I simply do not think this is the case here. I am sure i have always had "entitlement" issues toward my own parents. Who doesn't? I have always assumed i would be welcome to come home, move home, live at home or whatever. Really? You wouldn't have any problem with: 1) The fact that your son hadn't saved any money for an emergency fund during his working time, 2) The fact that he hadn't secured a new job before up and quitting his old one, 3) The fact that he didn't feel any compunction at all about moving home to his parents as a mentally and physically competent ADULT? All other things being equal, the last one would be of particular concern to me. It does not occur to adults who have learned how to take responsibility for their own lives to run home to Mommy and Daddy during a temporary unemployment situation. They figure out how to shift for themselves. That is part of growing up.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 22, 2011 12:50:17 GMT -5
Hell yes I would charge him rent based on this from the OP
He wants an ICU job and will not consider a floor position and the ICU must be able to handle certain types of procedures like the ICU in which he currently works.
That's way too specific. It'd be one thing if he already had a job lined up and they wanted him to start yesterday but he didn't have a place rented yet.
It's another that not only does he want to move in with me but he has no job and doesn't plan on getting his BSN so he can obtain said job.
GIANT red flag. One of many in the OP.
If I charge rent hopefully it inspires him to hurry up and get himself a job and move out. I wouldn't want my grown son getting the impression that he can move back home and take his sweet time finding his dream job.
He has a problem at work with a co-worker that he does not want to discuss.
Boo hoo, he is 32 years old. You don't get to quit your job and go running back home to mommy. If he is anything like my brother he will ALWAYS have an "issue" with someone he works with.
Brother did not like it when I pointed out that if you have issues everywhere you work. .. the problem is you.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 22, 2011 17:25:06 GMT -5
Snerdley: The "problem" with an RN degree is that it is essentially an Associates degree and almost all health care organizations are changing to a Bachelor's Degree standard- the BSN. My company helps cover the costs of RN to BSN programs, but not all companies do. Some companies don't actually care if your bachelors is a BSN, as long as you have a bachelors. (My aunt is an RN and has a BA in Education. Her hospital considers her to have met her Bachelor's degree requirement, even though she works as a floor nurse.) But, a BSN is the new standard for nursing jobs, and the OP's son's ability to get a job anywhere is going to be severely limited by his unwillingness to get the more advanced degree.
OP: If your son had a job lined up, I would not hesitate to let him stay with you while he found an apartment (without paying rent), but I would make sure there was an agreed upon time limit for how long he could stay at your house. Finding a place in a new city can take time if you don't know the neighborhoods, want something close to where you work, etc. However, without a job lined up, if you were to let him move in, I would require a signed 6 month rental agreement that charged going rent for the area (classifieds and craigslist can help you with that). If he found a job and a place in less than 6 months, you could let him out of it, but it also forces the discussion after the 6 month period and gives you legal protection. (Yes, sometimes we need legal protection from our own families).
As for his stress, if he has a co-worker who is harrassing him, he needs to report it. I can't think of any other situation in which a co-worker could be causing such stress. I agree with the posters who say that he needs to figure out how to work this out. However, in the face of harrassment, running to a new job is a tried and true method, and its hard to blame people for not going through all the additional stress of reporting workplace harrassment claims. And men especially feel a stigma about reporting harrassment claims, as if that somehow makes them less of a man (which may or may not be compounded by working in a traditionally female profession).
As for living expenses interfering with his savings, I must admit, I'd really like to know what he's saving for. Is he saving to buy a house? Take an awesome trip around the world? Or freaked out about retirement? Does he think he'll need to support you or his father in a few years' time? In that sense, the best help you could give him would be to help him plan a budget that meets his needs and allows for some spending cash. Maybe agree to help him find a fee only financial planner.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 22, 2011 18:56:25 GMT -5
I agree with Daylight, Zib and the rest. It's also interesting to see him so often referred to as a "kid"... maybe it's because I'm 27, but I would never think of a 32-year-old as a kid. Yes, he's the OP's kid, but he is also an adult. Nothing wrong with expecting him to move out of his parent's house 14 years after coming of age, particularly if he has a good job in a field he enjoys.
I also agree with those who have said he needs to learn how to manage the problem at work - because if not, it will follow him to every future job he takes. Even if he ends up quitting his current position, at least he'll know what to do next time he comes across THAT person (unfortunately there is always THAT person). Best to learn how to deal with them sooner rather than later. The Sociopath Next Door should be required reading in high schools.
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Post by wheeler33 on Mar 23, 2011 9:40:13 GMT -5
I find the solution to be quite simple. I would let him know that he could stay with me for 30 or 60 days (which ever you are comfortable with) rent free, provided that he arrive with a job lined up. That should be plenty of time for him to save a little more cash and find his own place. He's 32 and a grown man! I would not get involved with his job issues, maybe give a little advice if he asked. More schooling, etc is his own decision. He'll do it and succeed at it only if he wants it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 23, 2011 9:44:01 GMT -5
running to a new job is a tried and true method
I don't think there is anything wrong with finding a new job. The red flag is he quits and then calls his mother and asks to live with her.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 23, 2011 9:53:45 GMT -5
As for his stress, if he has a co-worker who is harrassing him, he needs to report it. I can't think of any other situation in which a co-worker could be causing such stress. I agree with the posters who say that he needs to figure out how to work this out. However, in the face of harrassment, running to a new job is a tried and true method, and its hard to blame people for not going through all the additional stress of reporting workplace harrassment claims. And men especially feel a stigma about reporting harrassment claims, as if that somehow makes them less of a man (which may or may not be compounded by working in a traditionally female profession).
I guess I'm in the minority. I was assuming the coworker stress was from either wanting to have a relationship with that particular coworker and it either ended or didn't start, which would also be why he didn't want to discuss it with his mom...
For the record, I'm in agreement that he needs to get his BSN.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 23, 2011 12:15:27 GMT -5
1. Didn't he say he had savings? 2. No. I have done that as well and never had any problems finding a job. 3. I have never moved home, but my sis moved home on a couple of occasions when transitioning to different jobs, etc and it was no big deal. She is the furthest thing from a glom or mooch and very responsible.
1. Not enough to see him through a short period of unemployment, apparently.
2. Which is fine, if you're an adult and you have the resources for it. Not fine if you have to rely on Mom and Dad. All too easy to sink into an "Oh well, no rush on finding a new job because I don't have to pay rent" mindset.
3. I moved home for 2-3 months after I graduated from college and moved from a different state. Like your sister, I was not a mooch and I'm very responsible. I would differentiate that transitional life stage type of situation from someone who has been an adult for over a decade and is simply switching jobs. I think you can support the former without enabling; I think that would be hard to do with the latter.
I do know people who see it your way, though. Personally I wouldn't, and I know my parents wouldn't. In order to move back in with my parents at age 32, I'd have to be in circumstances a hell of a lot more dire than simply switching jobs without adequate planning.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 25, 2011 7:55:16 GMT -5
Well, OP, what are you going to do?
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Mar 25, 2011 15:22:47 GMT -5
Haven't heard anything more yet other than he is still looking for job down here.
Most of his savings have been going into 403b and Roth, so regular savings will cover a couple months bills, but not much more.
No word on whether or not he will go for the bsn soon.
I think he needs to have job lined up before quitting because my local area has a strong bsn requirement and some local hospitals have had sone layoffs. I am going to be firm on that.
As far as his dad, it has been just as financially beneficial to him to have our son live with him and pay utilities etc because he ( the dad) does not make a lot of money. Indeed, my son has expressed some concern about how his dad will do if he moves out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2011 16:20:37 GMT -5
Nursing is stressful where ever you go. Only the color of the walls change. Just as a personal thought, I would want a diploma nurse taking care of me before a 4 year sheep skin one. They know a lot more about nursing. And they can draw blood. A two year nurse (RN) can draw blood and give IV meds, a LVN can still draw blood, just not give IV meds. Most hospitals my works with would prefer the two year RNs vs the BSNs because the BSNs spend less time on floor/clinical work and more on management classes.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 25, 2011 16:49:49 GMT -5
The only way here you get someone who hasn't their BSN is if you are going for it. Nice thing is the hospital pays for it and you can go one day a week or even on-line.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 26, 2011 8:44:07 GMT -5
Absolutely, but not while living off Mom.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 26, 2011 9:30:20 GMT -5
She obviously isn't that thrilled and realizes it's a problem. Hence, she came to this forum.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Mar 26, 2011 14:11:04 GMT -5
As far as the BSN goes,you are right that it is his decision. But when he complained that most of the hospitals down here want one, I said that he may have to get it in order to be able to get a job down here,then, and that I thought the requirement would become more prevalent in future.
For some reason, you seem to think I am demanding or nagging him to get it it and I am not. It will be his choice and he will have to live with the consequences of it.
If he asks my opinion, I give it. I only offer suggestions. I do not try to run his life.
I have decided that he can come stay if he has a job first. Otherwise no. To put it mildly, I think it would be extremely unwise to quit a perfectly good job in this economy to come to a place in which most employers have a requirement you cant fulfill and still expect to get a job before your money runs out.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Mar 26, 2011 14:40:51 GMT -5
As far as the BSN goes,you are right that it is his decision. But when he complained that most of the hospitals down here want one, I said that he may have to get it in order to be able to get a job down here,then, and that I thought the requirement would become more prevalent in future. For some reason, you seem to think I am demanding or nagging him to get it it and I am not. It will be his choice and he will have to live with the consequences of it. If he asks my opinion, I give it. I only offer suggestions. I do not try to run his life. I have decided that he can come stay if he has a job first. Otherwise no. To put it mildly, I think it would be extremely unwise to quit a perfectly good job in this economy to come to a place in which most employers have a requirement you cant fulfill and still expect to get a job before your money runs out. I think that you are a wise mom.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 26, 2011 15:41:35 GMT -5
Karma to Achelois, I think you're making the right decision (and you do sound like a great mom!)
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Mar 26, 2011 16:19:29 GMT -5
I appreciate the karma and everyone's input.
If he ever does get a job a move down here, I will let you know.
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daylight
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Post by daylight on Mar 26, 2011 17:56:50 GMT -5
Thank you for the continuous follow-up. I had a busy week but was following the thread offline. You do the right thing. I hope your son will overcome his difficulties at work and live his life to his satisfaction with or without BSN.
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