I thought I would ask my own WWYD question:

[achelois]

So: I have a 32 yo son who is a diploma RN for five years now. He is enountering some stress at work which he feels he can no longer endure. He has been wanting to relocate for some time and has obtained a license in my state and is looking for a job here.

He wanted to stay with me when he first obtains a job here until he can look around and find an apartment to work and get settled. He wanted to do this, he says, so he can get a feel for expenses and what his budget would look like. He would pay an agreed-upon amount of money to me each month while he did this.

I agreed that he could do this, although I do feel somewhat that he should be able to forecast a budget as he would know beforehand what salary he would be making and can investigate rental expenses, etc., beforehand as well since so much information is available online nowadays. He has never really lived on his own as he now lives with his dad (pays his own way and covers his share of household expenses). Prior to that, he lived in a house I owned while he was in nursing school and I paid those costs, although he worked and paid for his food, gas, etc.

Recently, though, he called me and asked what I thought about having him move down if he just turned in his notice at work and his looking for a job when he got down here. I told him I did not think it would be a very good idea to just leave one job and move without another lined up and asked how he planned to pay his expenses. He said from his savings. I asked how long those would last and he really didn't know offhand.

I feel a bit guilty for discouraging him, but I don't believe it WOULD be good for him to do this.

He says, though, that I don't understand how stressful this situation is for him.

He is a bit uncompromising, though. He wants an ICU job and will not consider a floor position and the ICU must be able to handle certain types of procedures like the ICU in which he currently works. However, most down here in this state require a BSN, although he may have an interview with one that doesn't. He doesn't want to get his BSN because he thinks it would be too hard.

I love my son and want to help, but at the same time I think he needs to grow up and learn to handle stress and learn to accept that he either cannot have something or make the effort to put in the work it requires.

For some reason, he is under the impression that everything came easily to me.

WWYD

[Angel!]

I would definitely discourage him from moving or quitting without having another job. It might turn out fine, but then you also might be posting here again in a year asking how to kick out your son that hasn't had a job in 9 months & isn't contributing to the household. I would also question why he thinks things will be less stressful just by moving to another state & living with a different parent.

Every time I have helped people in this sort of situation it has turned out poorly & I would hesitate to be so kind in the future. You probably know your son best, but being 32 & never having lived on his own isn't a good sign that he will get his life together really quick upon moving in with you.

I think your are having a hard time because at some level you just want to save him & help him. But, if your gut is telling you this is a bad idea, then I would trust your gut & tell him that he can't move in until he has a job.

[sheilaincali]

I don't think that your son has a real strong grasp of reality. He wants to move in with you with little or no plan for a vague period of time? All while he looks for a very specific and limited job that he may or may not be qualified for? Living off savings that he is again very vague about?

Sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. I am forever reading threads and blogs about people that complain that family members are mooching off of them. It all comes down to one major thing- lack of communication and expectations up front. Mis-communication always leads to headaches down the road.

If he wants to come down and look for a job and possibly stay with you temporarily you need to set some serious ground rules.
Rent, duration of stay, expectations regarding groceries, utilities, chores, parking, tivo etc. Discuss as much as possible in advance.

[qofcc]

Has he thought about signing on with one of those traveling nurse companies? They make really good money and they offer relocation assistance. What about taking a temp or per diem position?

I agree with you that he's old enough that he should be figuring this out on his own and not needing your help but that if he's asking for help that you have the right to set conditions, such as having a job before moving.

[Anne_in_VA]

You really would not be doing him any favors by letting him quit his job and moving to your state while he doesn't have a job lined up. There have been several threads on the old MSN boards about people who allowed their adult children to move in with them for various reasons and then they couldn't get them to move out.

A situation like that would be ripe for you having issues with your son especially as he has a diploma RN and not a BSN. Most places want a BSN. Yes it's hard, and yes it will take time, but he needs to grow up and you won't be helping him to do so by letting him move in with you.

Sorry, but that's MHO.

[Nazgul Girl]

We let our daughter move in with us for an undetermined period of time a few months ago, but it was with a pre-determined budget, a pre-determined amount of rent that she has to pay us, the understanding that we're not paying for her bills or frills, and an exacting plan of her job-hunt and what she was going to be doing to help out around the house. She has followed the plan to the letter, and has been very prompt in her payments to us. She also has been cooperative, and hasn't impeded our living style at all, except for her kitty cat. I told he she couldn't move in unless she met certain behavioral conditions, and that she would be GONE if she violated our agreement. So far, she's been a believer.

I wouldn't let your son move in unless he's willing to deal with YOUR requirements. Having 30-year-olds living with you at home is no fun unless there are pretty stringent ground rules.

[achelois]

He has never been a mooch and has always been a good saver, but I do think he has something of an entitlement attitude in that he resents the idea that costs of living on his own would interfere with his savings goals and his lifestyle spending.

I don't want to encourage him to do something that would result in his becoming financially dependent on me, however inadvertently, or hurt his chances at a good job(such as a gap in his employment history). He feels it is none of a prospective employer's business if there is a gap--I tell him that a prospective employer may feel differently and the employer controls the job opportunity.

I do feel bad about the work situation and understand what is causing his stress, but don't think running away is the answer. I support his intention to find a job that is less stressful, but in an appropriate fashion. No one should have to stay in a job that he truly cannot abide, unless there is absolutely NO alternative, but he needs to go about leaving that job in a way that does not cause longterm financial harm.

I just hope this does not cause longterm estrangement between us. He is rather angry with me at the moment.

I will ask him about the traveling nurse idea, though; he is single and unattached at the moment, so it wouldn't cause relationship issues.




"Asituation like that would be ripe for you having issues with your son especially as he has a diploma RN and not a BSN. Most places want a BSN. Yes it's hard, and yes it will take time, but he needs to grow up and you won't be helping him to do so by letting him move in with you"


I hate to say it, but deep down I have to say I agree with you

[Tiny]

I stayed at home with my elderly mom until she died - I was 35 years old. I did pay rent and did a set amount of chores and upkeep around the house. Even though I lived at home - I was pretty aware of what it might cost if I had moved out... it was also nice living at home when I went to nightschool to get my BA... Mom grocery shopped and cooked and did laundry (as long as I hauled it down to and up from the basement). I did house chores on the weekends.

that said, I had a pretty good idea of how much it would cost to move out - my friends were all doing it so I knew about things like a security deposit and monthly rent and utilities and such. I even worked out an estimate of what it would cost me to leave home... I would have - except if I moved out I'd still be spending every Sat/Sun back at home with Mom... seemed kinda silly so I stayed, paid rent and did chores. I think your son should be able to come up with some actual numbers as to weather he can move out or not. It's not a mysterious thing - especially with access to the Internet.

I don't think you should agree for him to just quit his job and move in with you. I think that's a bad idea. Can you help him face the stress at work or whatever it is that's bothering him that's he's calling stress at work? Can you help encourage him to start working on his exit strategy - one that doesn't include quiting without another job - you know is his resume up to date? Has he let it be known descretely (networking) that he's looking for a position? Has he sent out resumes?
What you've described in your post would send up red flags to me - everyone has job stress and I know some jobs have more stress than others - but it doesn't make a person helpless or without choices. Your son may need some help navigating this life experience - if it's a co-worker causing the grief he may need to talk to HR or come up with a better way to control his own responses to that person. If it's just the nature of the work (feeling burned out) maybe it's time to re-evaluate what type of work/position he'd be better suited to or find some something in his personal life that balances out his work stress. I'm sure there's other scenarios/options. Just up and quiting and moving away usually isn't the way to deal with job stress.

[cronewitch]

He has never been a mooch and has always been a good saver,

Read more: notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=finance&action=display&thread=4927#ixzz1GtTD6jpG

Pretty easy when you are earning adult wages but without having to live on your own. Time for him to grow up. Let him be a guest for a month when he starts his new job.

Even when adult kids live with parents and pay some rent they don't really have adult budgets. I bet if you let him live with you the rent and utilities wouldn't be at market rates. Let him get another adult roommate and see how he likes really paying half of every housing expense.

He may not mooch but I can bet he has never paid for things like a dinning table because he lives with people who have one already, yet it is a common cost for people who don't live with parents.

[april47]

As a retired RN I can relate to job stress. However, if there is stress at hospital "A" that her can't handle, I bet there will be the same stress at hospital "B". ICU nursing can be stressfull but the stress from hospital politics and human dynamics is what gets you. Thats at ALL hospitals. Maybe a class in stress management or transferring to another unit in the same hospital would help. As far as moving in with you, I just had a 40 year old daughter move out and my finances will never catch up. Spell out the rules before hand and stick to them. Don't be a pushover like me.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I agree with Crone.... it is easy to save when you are living with mom and dad. If he thinks that paying bills impacts his savings and lifestyle (How do the bills that you need to pay for food and shelter negatively impact your lifestyle? I thought food and shelter was part of your lifestyle?) then he needs to find roommates. Adult ones who aren't his parents. If he is 32 and can't manage to live by himself or with other single folks, he is far behind his peers in the growing up category.

[achelois]

Thanks for everyone's input.

He has updated his resume and sent it out. I have encouraged him to seek counseling, but he won't go. He says he is not sleeping well.

Part of me is very concerned about him because I think he is depressed, but he is like some of the posters we get so aggravated with because he always has a "reason" why he can't do whatever. He has always lacked confidence in himself and I don't know why. He did well in his nursing program, both clinically and academically.

The last time he called I just told him I was out of ideas and reiterated that he needs to have a job before coming down.

[motherto2]

Lack of self confidence is such a hard thing to figure out. Sometimes the person themself can't tell you why they lack self confidence. DD had learning disabilities (whole long story about that) and when she was in second grade she tested a whole year behind. That's sad when you're only in the second grade. Alot of it was her learning disabilities, but some of it was attributed to poor teaching (that was my observation - the school would never admit to that). It wasn't that she was slow or stupid, she just did things differently. We plugged along, and now she is an awesome person with her studies and work habits. She was just told today by a Captain that she was an outstanding worker. I told her I wasn't surprised, but she totally was. Lack of self confidence because of her own life experiences. Maybe your son has had those types of things in his past - not stupid or slow, just different. And because of all that I went through with her, I was astounded to find out how people cope with learning disabilities, and how easily it was for someone to graduate HS without even knowing how to read. Much easier now, sadly, but it's been an ongoing issue forever. So he could have a lot of deep seated issues that may just be starting to surface, and he isn't willing to address them or get help to figure it out. Which also could be why he's been unwilling to move out and become a responsible adult. It's always easier to have a parent there to "take care" of things. More figuratively than literally, but it does help with their confidence level. Like when my daughter wanted her 5th grade teacher to stand by her desk all day so that she could constantly be reassured she was doing her work correctly. Most of the time she was, but she needed that constant presence for reassurance. If you do allow your son to move in with you, PLEASE set boundaries and rules before he moves in, not fret over it when he refuses, or as you put it, has a reason for everything, on why he can't move out. If he was moving in with you because you needed help, that would be totally different, but I don't think this is the case. Good luck!

[bobbysgirl]

Nursing is stressful where ever you go. Only the color of the walls change. Just as a personal thought, I would want a diploma nurse taking care of me before a 4 year sheep skin one. They know a lot more about nursing. And they can draw blood.

[daylight]

Please don't let him move in. Not only for your sake, but more for his.

You are being very vague about the stress his job causes, and it doesn't really figure into the story, but... Everyone (I resisted using capitals) has stress in their jobs and some people have so big time. I realize that nursing must be in the top 10 range, top 5 even, but we also have firefighters, emts and so on. And they somehow deal with it. Figuring out how to exist in a working environment is key. Some workplaces are more cr*ppy than others (one day I may post about mine), it's true, but chances are that his workplace is just average as far as hospitals or even ICUs go.
Usually, some colleagues will be after your job or your promotion, you'll have passive-agressive colleagues and not realize why you feel drained, 99% of the people will be jealous of you for some reason...it's not happy sailing. BUT there are excellent books out there (if he is so insistent on not seeing a psychologist)...eg. Dealing with Difficult People by Roy Lilley off the top of my head, and many others. He should hit the library and start reading. If he is too emotionally caught up in whatever is going on, you/dad/close friends should also catch up with his reading and be ready to discuss the situation. It's very important that he realize that - unfortunately - nobody is entitled to a healthy working environment and that most bosses are not up to the task. Take it from me, I started work believing that everyone went to work and wanted to do their best and help their co-workers - boy was I hurt by the consequences. If he has not already, your son needs to learn to deal with the negativity - it can be done. It has to be done. Figuring out why your co-worker do what they do is one thing, then you can change your attitude, start exercising (great stress reliever). Add another hobby to provide enough balance, and voila, he should be fine.

Back to the initial question. Don't let him move without the new job. Staying should prompt him to learn to deal with the "stress", whatever that is, because it will take a bit to find something that meets his expectations. Staying should prompt him to find a new job asap. Staying should help him re-evaluate his thoughts on a BSN.

By allowing him to move back in (even with a new job lined up), you are not helping him. What many parents (including my own mom sometimes) don't understand, is that oversupporting your kid takes away from them the possibility of dealing with life, which in turn takes away the possibility of having more self-confidence from the experience of successfully dealing with life. And yes, one day parents die and are not there anymore to help, but leaving behind a not fully functioning adult is not a life accomplishment...it's called wrecking their life.

He is already 32. It's high time he lose his entitlement attitude. You want to help...it will be bad, but he needs to learn how to be on his own. If he is allowed to have Sunday lunch with you regularly, you are already doing more than enough. Yes, he would be able to save less...so what? If he is so big on saving, he should be able to give you the exact dollar amount of his savings and a projection of how much it would last. (If you want to help him moneywise, you can put away the money into your savings and gift him for a downpayment or whatever later on.) The only spot that you can actively help him with is discussing how you feel that he is absolutely able to get a BSN. People do wonders if they believe in themselves, and your belief in him will improve his self-image.

I can imagine a peaceful co-existence with a dad and a 32-year old son, but honestly, 99% of those sons would want to have their own place to actually have a private private life. And their girlfriends would expect them to have one.

Hopefully, I don't sound too harsh, I certainly do not mean to be. But it seems so childish that a 32-old man would consider throwing away his job without having a new one (in today's economy), consider moving from dad to mom, consider quitting without knowing how long his savings would last...it's a plan a teenager would think of. And assuming that no learning disabilities are involved, he should decide that a BSN is something that he would accomplish, not something unattainable. Or make a realistic budget on the income he can get as an RN without a BSN.

BTW, I'm not totally against adults moving back home...there is disability, death, fatal illness, whatever, but you were right identifying that we are talking entitlement issues here and moving back in would keep the issues going (new job or not).

ETA, added: it's important to stress that focusing on stress management and figuring out work place politics is not about being weak, not about being somehow sick/wrong, you are being clueless at the worst and not helping yourself. Maybe it comes naturally to some young adults, I guess you can also learn from parents. He obviously hasn't, but he has to catch up. The co-worker who is seen as the source of stress (sorry to assume this, but there is always at least one specific person behind such stories), is either a born manipulator or has been discussing work place scenarios while in kindergarten over family dinners.

[debtheaven]

I want to offer up another suggestion. I'm not up on nursing degrees so I'm not sure this will make sense. But I get the feeling that his RN degree is inferior to a BSN degree.

So maybe let him move in for a time under the condition that he has X amount of time to get his BSN, plus Y (3?) months to leave your home once he does? Could he work and pursue his BSN at the same time?

Of course he would have to contribute to his living costs in the meantime. But since not having a job is an issue, maybe you could "raise the stakes" and let him move home without a job in exchange for him agreeing to pursue a more marketable degree in his field? Again, I don't know how long that would take. I can certainly understand not wanting a 32YO son back home for years. But maybe this would be something to throw in there?

Just a thought. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

[achelois]

Thank you daylight and debtheaven for your responses, as well as others who have posted.

I have to say that I am in agreement with you all and would not even have a moment's difficulty except that it is always more difficult when it is your own kid. I want to try to get him to launch without creating a permanent rift between us.

He is having difficulty with a specific co-worker. The job itself is not the problem. He likes the challenge of the intensive care environment. He won't give me specific details, so I am perforce vague.


Also do not, in principle, have anything against multi-generational households, but think he needs to have been on his own for a while and fully self-sufficient--then, if wanted, have a mutually beneficial household.

I have been encouraging him to get his BSN, whether by classes or online. Also encouraged him to look for other jobs where he is if he finds it impossible to continue on as is. Also encouraged him to widen his search down here, so that he is close but also on his own. He could work and get the BSN, plenty of people(including myself) have done it, but he thinks he can't.

I will continue to be firm that he needs to have a job before I would allow him to move in. When he was in the nursing program and lived in a house I owned, he did do the grass-cutting and maintained the house in pretty good order--a little more clutter than I would like, but clean, so I know he would do chores,etc.



It is very frustrating. He does need to get a grip. I sometimes just want to drop-kick him through the goalposts of life.

[debtheaven]

He is having difficulty with a specific co-worker.

This is likely to happen in the future. My DS2 always tells me, they are all idiots! I tell him that's statistically impossible. I'm willing to believe that some of them are idiots, but not all of them. I tell my kids all the time that learning to deal with idiots is unfortunately part of life. And the next idiot you encounter may well be your next boss. So deal.

I have been encouraging him to get his BSN, whether by classes or online.
I do realize this. He doesn't seem to be interested.

I guess what I'm saying is, you have to MAKE him be interested. If you think this should be his goal, then this is the goal you are willing to help him achieve. He's not interested? Doesn't want to get a job, doesn't want to get a BSN? No problem. But in that case, either you don't take him in / on, or you give him the choice of what YOU are willing to partially fund, and he comes up with his solution.

And yes, I DO realize how difficult it is to "play hardball" with one's own kids.
This said (and you're in a great position, having done it yourself) I think your son does need a gentle kick up the backside. If he wants to move in with you, you are in a fantastic place in that it is YOU who gets to set the conditions. Plus being in the nursing field yourself, you will definitely make the right choices for him, plus help him along the way.

But you DO need to set those conditions. Ideally, you need to set those conditions in a way that will benefit your DS best, long term. And also, to make things easier for yourself too.

[debtheaven]

Another thing. I deeply believe that until you learn to deal with a particular issue, you will keep having to face it.

If your son is happy in his job except for this particular colleague, I would encourage him to face up to his problems with that colleague and confront them head on and try to resolve them.

Otherwise (in my experience) he'll just come up against a similar situation, again and again, until he learns to resolve it.

[DVM gone riding]

ICU=stress I am not sure how switching jobs would change this. Maybe he needs to figure out if he wants to do a different kind of nursing?? There are lots of options but they might not all be as glamorous. I think you had the right idea of encouraging him to find a job and then move.

[daylight]

OP - I'm glad that I did not completely alienate you with my comments.
Having re-read your post again, I realized that you sort of already promised DS that he can move in with you provided that he has a job lined up. This complicates things a bit.

Let me rephrase the situation a bit, because I think it can shed more light to what you should do. DS is 32, is an RN nurse. Has a good job in the ICU that he is proud of. He refuses to get a BSN. He lives with dad. He has a problem at work with a co-worker that he does not want to discuss. Problem escalated to the point that DS wants to work elsewhere, without getting a BSN, where same co-worker won't be the problem. Later on, DS expressed his wish to just leave current workplace altogether and live with mom until he figures out what to do, citing savings, that he does not know the exact amount of.

My understanding is OP that you wish that DS i) realize that he needs to get a BSN in order to meet his expectations in job offers, ii) he learns to live by himself, iii) he gets a new job before moving in with you.

At this point, contrary to what debtheaven suggested I would completely withdraw my prior offer of moving in but would offer plenty of advice instead. I would not offer that I house him as long as he has a BSN within x years...because I don't think that it would work in this particular situation. At this point your son has no wish to obtain a BSN and this should be the starting point. (I realize that you want him to wish to obtain a BSN, and I'll get there soon, but moving in will not work imho.)

But first things first. I would make it clear that it's not okay to quit your job over another co-worker. While I accept that this is your son's private problem, I would totally try to find out what it is about and try to learn as much as I can about the whole situation. I'm not sure how tight in a spot you have ever been as an employee, but based on life experience alone, you should be able to help him a bit. He and even you may see things differently, but this should be your first priority, before the BSN, esp. before quitting and moving. Why? Because it's never really the other person, who is the problem. You see, there are about 7 billion people on earth, the only problem you've got is to learn to deal with all those problem people pose. The person in question could be making your son's life hell and your son is right in despising him/her - but this happens because your son lets him/her get away with it! Even if said co-worker has mental problems, it's your son's responsibility to learn that such problems exist, learn an attitude to defend himself, gather some self-courage from having dealt with the problem. And then, (i) when he learned what co-worker's problem was, (ii) when he learned why he fell victim to co-worker, finally (iii) when he learned how to avoid falling victim next time, then, and only then is it worth moving on/away.

Otherwise, he will change jobs, get into a different working environment, remain his same clueless self as far as working environments are concerned, and he will let himself be used due to being too kind, too shy, too whatever...because he still does not have a clue! Neither about himself, nor about the importance of being clear about other people's strength and weakness. He may fall prey to a person not even remotely similar to current co-worker, who will spot another weakness of your son...and he still won't know how to deal with things. He won't even know what hit him.

And before you conclude that I don't know what I'm talking about, let me sum up in a single paragraph that as I said above I walked into my very first workplace with the best of intentions and got placed directly under a boss, who is a sociopath. Oops. I had met a sociopath a decade prior and I still did not what hit me. It took me 2 years (!) to learn that it was not me getting insane/incompetent/becoming an idiot, it was him having a mentall illness and me being drawn to sociopaths. Another 2 years later, I still work at the same firm (due to the economy, really). Direct boss tried to off me various times when he realized that I saw through his facade. In the end, we progressed from him basically stalking me (seducing his next victim) to him avoiding me and me getting promoted despite his efforts to off me. He used to spend approx. 5 hours of the day working with me/talking to me (again, read, seducing his next victim), and I have seen him for a total of 30 minutes this week - on his boss's order. Should your son deal with a sociopath, I strongly recommend that he (you first) read Martha Stout's The Sociopath Next Door. It will help him get a basic idea about this type of people. And...even the book's advice is...run from sociopaths, so me not getting fired and getting promoted is a huge success! Please note that I realized why this happened to me, worked on my self-esteem and bothered to learn more about not just sociopaths but other workplace bullies. Because it's only you who can change your attitude. You don't have any influence over the rest.

Next topic. The BSN. He does not want it. Why? Probably, for a variety of reasons I don't know, but it seems obvious that it's not his ambition to get one, which means that he won't get one until he sees the financial need for it. That means months living on his own with roommates, not with dad, him being on a budget, him realizing that he wishes he had more income than outcome, him realizing that his long-term promotion chances are better if he has one. This may involve him living on Ramen noodles, this may involve his frustration about being unable to purchase a book/vacation/sportsgear, in fact, this will involve a lot of frustration. And unless he decides to take your word for needing a BSN the best you can help him is that you accept that this is necessary, and that he will run into these walls (healthy boundaries, really) before he can move on.

You see, it's like learning to walk. A friend's little daughter is learning now, and she falls a lot. But her parents know that it's part of learning to walk they make sure she doesn't bump her head, but that's all. And yes, it hurts to look on and see her fall, but in the end you know that she will run like a wind and it will be well worth it. Unfortunately, you will have to put up with your son's frustration for a while before he makes any changes and you can enjoy the results of your enduring these hard times. And the longer you postpone letting him fall, the harder his fall will be.

I'm emotionally invested into this aspect of the story as well, since my sister would not have gotten her degree (a BA of sorts) without my mom's constant begging that she goes to college, studies for exams and the constant threats that she would have to move out and live on her own if she does not comply. She finished her BA degree instead the here required 4 years in 6 years (she has not worked at all during that period). And as far as I can tell, my mom's threats worked only, because at age 18, my sister had no idea how to get a job on her own, how to rent an apartment, how to be on her own.

Conclusion: I would let DS know that I also had problems dealing with a co-worker. I would tell him that it will hurt him quitting his job over another person. I would tell him that whatever his problem is, it can be helped. You have to make him talk somehow. Please listen to him carefully, even if in the beginning, your son will be the good guy and co-worker the bad guy...once he vented, once you know what the problem is, you will still have ample time to help hit realize why he fell victim to co-worker. But it is imperative that you figure this all out.

If he still insists on moving (which might be a good idea depending on what the issue at work is - AFTER he learned how to deal with it, sometimes it's better to get started elsewhere with all the knowledge you gathered), then offer help with finding an apartment and roommates. If he gets mad and does not talk to you - it will pass and he still has dad to talk to (although it would be wonderful if you and dad could be on the same page about this or else he will continue to enable your son). Either he will come back for specific advice to you, or realize the reasons for your refusal later. It could prove the most difficult time of your life. Maybe a board is not much of a help, but you can always come back and vent to us.

One of the last threads I regularly read on old YM involved a mom, who had trouble getting her youngest 30-something daughter out of the house because she lost one job after the another, and she just used all the benefits mom had to offer. Mom finally told her to move, steeled her heart, and princessa did move out without a court order/cops etc on a couple of weeks notice. Your son kind of reminds me of her (meaning that he probably would comply with your requirements to some extent). But his idea to just quit his job and move in with you without job prospects is very alarming.

I can relate to how he thinks that rent/food/utilities cost a lot...but it cost the same to each and every one of us! He'd better figure out how he can live on his own, afford necessities and save, because this knowledge comes only thru practice, and again, the later it comes, the more it hurts.

And getting your own place is priceless, even with roommates! I moved out from home when I lived thru the darkest times under direct boss, because I figured that cleaning my own toilet would raise my self-esteem...and it did! I used to be in constant fear of losing my job, but I always thought that I would get another one, just so I can afford to keep renting. Because I do not want to go back to mom, because it's good to be on your own. And that's step 1 into adulthood.

I know that offering him to come move in with you sounds very enticing, but it's the worst you can do to him as far as I can tell. If he wants to quit his job over co-worker, his problem is rooted where he is. If you help him move, you help him runaway. Trouble is you cannot runaway from yourself. Please don't help him prolong his own suffering.

If more details come to life and you feel like sharing, I'm sure we would be glad to know more and help a little more (if possible).

[Deleted]

I think you're doing the right thing by insisting that your son has a job in your area before he moves. He's not in a desperate situation where he HAS to make some moves quickly and hope everything works out ok.

I also think you should make all of your expectations clear from the beginning. Including how long you're comfortable with him living with you, unless of course you're ok with him staying forever if he wants to.

[zibazinski]

But does the OP REALLY want her 30 something son living with her? I mean, REALLY? Sorry but that is so wrong on so many points. Sounds like Dad has enabled and now it's Mom's turn because maybe Dad wants a life. It's one thing for him to stay a few days while he job and apartment hunts and then after obtaining BOTH he goes back and gets his stuff.

[achelois]

I encourage him to get the BSN, not because I think he isn't good enough without it, but because not having it limits his options. I believe he is more than capable of the coursework, but he does not.

He has already seen the effects of not finishing the degree. He really enjoys the ICU environment, but most of the ICU positions for which he would like to apply down here require a BSN. He has locked himself out of opportunities to work in the type of position he wants to have. He has applied for the one hospital position which has not made that a prerequisite.

I believe the BSN requirement will become even more prevalent in future, rightly or wrongly.

He is a good son. When I needed help moving, he was right there. I do not mind helping him. I do not mind his staying with me for a while, as I do enjoy his company, but I do not think it is wise for him to move down without a job and deplete his savings when work may be difficult to find in this area--especially as he is adamant he does not want to work in areas other than ICU.

I do think that he needs to live on his own soon to develop more self-reliance and "survival skills". Most young people, I think, want to be on their own and I wish I understood his extreme reluctance or fear of doing this. He says he wants his own place, but does not get one. He has never lived on his own. He makes about 46,000$/year and feels it is impossible to live on that on his own and still save money and have some fun into the bargain.

I agree with the idea that he needs to get a better grasp of real life and think that the longer he "stays at home", the harder it will be. I don't think I would be doing him any favor if I make it too easy for him.

[Deleted]

"I do think that he needs to live on his own soon to develop more self-reliance and "survival skills". Most young people, I think, want to be on their own and I wish I understood his extreme reluctance or fear of doing this. He says he wants his own place, but does not get one. He has never lived on his own. He makes about 46,000$/year and feels it is impossible to live on that on his own and still save money and have some fun into the bargain."

This is what makes it complicated. DS isn't a loser, but he is still dependent on his parents in a way. Mom wants to help if he wants to relocate, but she also recognizes that DS needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet. If he doesn't feel like his salary is enough to do that, he should be considering ways to increase his salary. He needs to live on his own sooner rather than later, even if he can't save as much money or have as much fun. I think DS's reluctance to do so is the problem and that is why she's hesitant to agree to what he's asking.

[zibazinski]

How many years has he glommed onto dad? Is mom going to charge him for rent and half the utilities and by rent I mean half of what a 2 bedroom apartment would cost where she lives? No, and that is why the son is still living off his parents. Because he isn't paying his fair share of anything and hasn't for years. I'd like to live somewhere for practically free as well, who wouldn't? Her son has no girlfriend because no girl is going to deal well with that unless she is some kind of loser/mooch who likes living off others as well. Son has a good job and some savings. He needs to get a job where she is living if he wants to move there and she needs to give him a month after he moves to move out on his own and THAT needs to be said before son moves to where she lives because I am sure that he won't move unless he thinks he can live with her forever as well.

[998fbird]

Achelois do whatever feels right to you...I understand asking others for their opinion's, but they won't be living with the results of your actions, you will. You are correct that your son should get his BS, but you can only explain your reasoning and encourage him, he will have to deal with the consequences of his decision. I do agree that you should stick to your decision that he must have a job before he relocates. In the end you have to deal with the outcome. I hope everything works out for you and your son.

[zibazinski]

This isn't a kid, it's an adult with failure to launch issues.

[Gardening Grandma]

Mar 19, 2011 19:29:13 GMT -5 Lady Gaga Gaga Snerd said:

Honestly, would you charge your kid for rent? I really can't even see doing that unless i was starving. What i have is theirs in my mind.

I think it would depend on the age of the kid and what they were doing. If the kid were under 20 and attending college, I would not charge them rent. If the kid was 32 and employed, you bet I'd charge them rent. Giving a 32 year old free room and board does not help them become an independent adult. In fact, I think it would be a disservice - crippling their development.

[Gardening Grandma]

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