single parent definition

[Deleted]

What do you consider a single parent?

To me, it is when there is only one parent. (death, other parent moved across continent, abandonment, etc.)

To me, a person is not a single parent if baby mommy or baby daddy gets visitation a few nights a week and also pays or receives child support.

This is not meant to start a heated debate. I just hear a lot of people using the single parent excuse. To me, they are not a single parent if there is someone else driving the kid around and sharing expenses.

[DagnyT]

Methinks you have probably started a heated debate!!

[MJ2.0]

What would you like to call it then? Sometimes single parent? Single-ish parent?

Also, why do you care what it's called? Is it easier to feel sorry for someone based on this arbitrary definition?

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 13:35:03 GMT -5 DagnyT said:

Methinks you have probably started a heated debate!!

Oh no! I only want to know if my way of thinking is wrong.

My parents were divorced. We spent time at dad's house and he paid child support. I don't think either one of my parents was a "single parent" since they helped each other. If Mom needed someone to watch us or take us somewhere, Dad did it, and vice versa.

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 13:39:05 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

What would you like to call it then? Sometimes single parent? Single-ish parent?

Also, why do you care what it's called? Is it easier to feel sorry for someone based on this arbitrary definition?

I am wrong.

[Deleted]

LOL

The money is only a very small part of it!  My kids go to their Dad's every other weekend.  The time I put into my kids in a week is mind boggling and can be down right exhausting.  When you're married (or with the other parent), you can hand them off and household duties are shared. One can make dinner while the other does something with the kids or mows the lawn.  If one parent isn't feeling well they can take a "sick day" while the other takes over.  If a child is driving you absolutely insane you can call in the reinforcements. 

This starts to be less of an issue as the kids get older, but when they're young, even with shared custody, 7 days a week with two parents is a hell of a lot easier than 4 days a week with just one parent and then 3 days off. 

[midjd]

Even having one kid 50% of the time on your own is much harder than sharing that load with another adult who lives with you 24/7. Child support (unless its funding a nanny/chauffeur) doesn't make much difference. If someone is parenting on their own, even if their ex is doing the same, they're a single parent IMO.

Now, I do get a little eye-rolly at the people who have a spouse out of town for the weekend and claim single parent status, but I don't think that's what you're talking about.

ETA - my hats are off to all the single parents out there, with or without an involved other parent. My mom raised three of us almost entirely on her own. I was there the whole time, and I still don't know how she did it. I am exhausted enough with one fairly well-behaved toddler and a husband who does more than his fair share. You all have a tough job and you kick ass. 

[Deleted]

My friend is a widow and has two minor children that are involved in a lot of things. Her picture is in the dictionary when I look up single parent.

I will start to also feel sorry for other friends that complain they have no time to themselves because they are a single parent. I guess I don't know what they are doing when their kids are with the other parent. Maybe they are not alone.

I was being judgmental. My bad. I admit it.

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 14:07:06 GMT -5 @bluester said:

My friend is a widow and has two minor children that are involved in a lot of things. Her picture is in the dictionary when I look up single parent.

I will start to also feel sorry for other friends that complain they have no time to themselves because they are a single parent. I guess I don't know what they are doing when their kids are with the other parent. Maybe they are not alone.

I was being judgmental. My bad. I admit it.

My kids are gone today.  I spent the morning grocery shopping at Sam's Club and getting new tires put on (because doing this during the week with the 5 year old is a PIA) and this afternoon I'm going to be trimming and mowing the lawn and doing laundry.  Fun times! 

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 14:19:53 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Apr 23, 2016 14:07:06 GMT -5 @bluester said:

My friend is a widow and has two minor children that are involved in a lot of things. Her picture is in the dictionary when I look up single parent.

I will start to also feel sorry for other friends that complain they have no time to themselves because they are a single parent. I guess I don't know what they are doing when their kids are with the other parent. Maybe they are not alone.

I was being judgmental. My bad. I admit it.

My kids are gone today.  I spent the morning grocery shopping at Sam's Club and getting new tires put on (because doing this during the week with the 5 year old is a PIA) and this afternoon I'm going to be trimming and mowing the lawn and doing laundry.  Fun times! 

OMG. That would suck. I have to do stuff like that too.

[Apple]

To me, the most base definition is "a parent who is single".  There are varying "degrees" after that.

I receive a little child support, but my ex-husband has not bothered to contact DS in any form for over 8 years (so long ago, I don't remember when exactly the last visit was, although I know where it was-- I drove 45 miles to make it happening easier).  He's seen DS 3 times in the last 15 years.  I'm pretty sure I'm a single parent...

So, child support or not, I definitely feel like I'm at a different "degree" than an old friend of mine who was single, but lived with her parents and still dated her bf (the father), going out whenever she wanted, because someone was always home (they eventually married and moved away, but her experience as a "single parent" was nothing like mine).

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 14:56:36 GMT -5 Apple said:

To me, the most base definition is "a parent who is single".  There are varying "degrees" after that.

I receive a little child support, but my ex has not bothered to contact DS in any form for over 8 years (so long ago, I don't remember when exactly the last visit was, although I know where it was-- I drove 45 miles to make it happening easier).  He's seen DS 3 times in the last 15 years.  I'm pretty sure I'm a single parent...

So, child support or not, I definitely feel like I'm at a different "degree" than an old friend of mine who was single, but lived with her parents and still dated her bf (the father), going out whenever she wanted, because someone was always home (they eventually married and moved away, but her experience as a "single parent" was nothing like mine).

A girl I know crying about being a single parent lives with her parents AND her ex takes the kid 1/2 time. She also gets food stamps and free health insurance.

She wants people to feel sorry for her because she is a single parent. She also thinks she is super woman because she is a single parent.

But she is "single" and she is a "parent". I will have to remind myself of that.

Maybe I belong on the "jaded" thread.

[Apple]

Apr 23, 2016 15:01:42 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Apr 23, 2016 14:56:36 GMT -5 Apple said:

To me, the most base definition is "a parent who is single".  There are varying "degrees" after that.

I receive a little child support, but my ex has not bothered to contact DS in any form for over 8 years (so long ago, I don't remember when exactly the last visit was, although I know where it was-- I drove 45 miles to make it happening easier).  He's seen DS 3 times in the last 15 years.  I'm pretty sure I'm a single parent...

So, child support or not, I definitely feel like I'm at a different "degree" than an old friend of mine who was single, but lived with her parents and still dated her bf (the father), going out whenever she wanted, because someone was always home (they eventually married and moved away, but her experience as a "single parent" was nothing like mine).

A girl I know crying about being a single parent lives with her parents AND her ex takes the kid 1/2 time. She also gets food stamps and free health insurance.

She wants people to feel sorry for her because she is a single parent. She also thinks she is super woman because she is a single parent.

But she is "single" and she is a "parent". I will have to remind myself of that.

Maybe I belong on the "jaded" thread.

People who "play a card" annoy me, no matter what that "card" is.  

[Miss Tequila]

Apr 23, 2016 14:07:06 GMT -5 @bluester said:

My friend is a widow and has two minor children that are involved in a lot of things. Her picture is in the dictionary when I look up single parent.

I will start to also feel sorry for other friends that complain they have no time to themselves because they are a single parent. I guess I don't know what they are doing when their kids are with the other parent. Maybe they are not alone.

I was being judgmental. My bad. I admit it.

Meh, we all judge at some point whether we admit it or not

I am a divorced mom with a demanding career. I don't look for sympathy from anyone (I think most people on here will attest that Im pretty strong). But I can tell you that there is a huge difference between being a married parent where you have someone to share the duties with and a solo parent.

I love my kids but I cherish the time they are with their dad. My youngest is a set kid but very high maintenance. By the time she goes to bed at night I am literally drained!lol. I neve complain about being a single mom but running a household by yourself is a LOT OF WORK!

[Miss Tequila]

Apr 23, 2016 15:01:42 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Apr 23, 2016 14:56:36 GMT -5 Apple said:

To me, the most base definition is "a parent who is single".  There are varying "degrees" after that.

I receive a little child support, but my ex has not bothered to contact DS in any form for over 8 years (so long ago, I don't remember when exactly the last visit was, although I know where it was-- I drove 45 miles to make it happening easier).  He's seen DS 3 times in the last 15 years.  I'm pretty sure I'm a single parent...

So, child support or not, I definitely feel like I'm at a different "degree" than an old friend of mine who was single, but lived with her parents and still dated her bf (the father), going out whenever she wanted, because someone was always home (they eventually married and moved away, but her experience as a "single parent" was nothing like mine).

A girl I know crying about being a single parent lives with her parents AND her ex takes the kid 1/2 time. She also gets food stamps and free health insurance.

She wants people to feel sorry for her because she is a single parent. She also thinks she is super woman because she is a single parent.

But she is "single" and she is a "parent". I will have to remind myself of that.

Maybe I belong on the "jaded" thread.

Lol! She is just an attention seeker. Most of us "single parents" don't behave like that!

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 15:14:32 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Apr 23, 2016 14:07:06 GMT -5 @bluester said:

My friend is a widow and has two minor children that are involved in a lot of things. Her picture is in the dictionary when I look up single parent.

I will start to also feel sorry for other friends that complain they have no time to themselves because they are a single parent. I guess I don't know what they are doing when their kids are with the other parent. Maybe they are not alone.

I was being judgmental. My bad. I admit it.

Meh, we all judge at some point whether we admit it or not

I am a divorced mom with a demanding career. I don't look for sympathy from anyone (I think most people on here will attest that Im pretty strong). But I can tell you that there is a huge difference between being a married parent where you have someone to share the duties with and a solo parent.

I love my kids but I cherish the time they are with their dad. My youngest is a set kid but very high maintenance. By the time she goes to bed at night I am literally drained!lol. I neve complain about being a single mom but running a household by yourself is a LOT OF WORK!

I run a household by myself - just no kids thank goodness.

[Miss Tequila]

Apr 23, 2016 15:16:23 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Apr 23, 2016 15:14:32 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Meh, we all judge at some point whether we admit it or not

I am a divorced mom with a demanding career. I don't look for sympathy from anyone (I think most people on here will attest that Im pretty strong). But I can tell you that there is a huge difference between being a married parent where you have someone to share the duties with and a solo parent.

I love my kids but I cherish the time they are with their dad. My youngest is a set kid but very high maintenance. By the time she goes to bed at night I am literally drained!lol. I neve complain about being a single mom but running a household by yourself is a LOT OF WORK!

I run a household by myself - just no kids thank goodness.

I love my kids so Im not complaining when I say this (nor am i trying to act like a hero) but there is a huge difference between maintaining a home when it is one adult versus kids. My 17 year old and i are in constant battle because she is a slob and Im not a damn maid. My 14 year old is special needs so I still bathe her, etc...yet she isn't as messy as her sister! If it were just me in the house it wouldn't be an issue, but toss in two kids and Im ready to join the circus some days!lol

But it is short term and some day I will be an empty nester and miss the shit all over my house (I will, right??lol).

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 15:16:23 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Apr 23, 2016 15:14:32 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Meh, we all judge at some point whether we admit it or not

I am a divorced mom with a demanding career. I don't look for sympathy from anyone (I think most people on here will attest that Im pretty strong). But I can tell you that there is a huge difference between being a married parent where you have someone to share the duties with and a solo parent.

I love my kids but I cherish the time they are with their dad. My youngest is a set kid but very high maintenance. By the time she goes to bed at night I am literally drained!lol. I neve complain about being a single mom but running a household by yourself is a LOT OF WORK!

I run a household by myself - just no kids thank goodness.

And therein lies a HUGE difference.  Doing damn near anything with young kids is a challenge.

[wvugurl26]

Apr 23, 2016 15:20:47 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Apr 23, 2016 15:16:23 GMT -5 @bluester said:

I run a household by myself - just no kids thank goodness.

I love my kids so Im not complaining when I say this (nor am i trying to act like a hero) but there is a huge difference between maintaining a home when it is one adult versus kids. My 17 year old and i are in constant battle because she is a slob and Im not a damn maid. My 14 year old is special needs so I still bathe her, etc...yet she isn't as messy as her sister! If it were just me in the house it wouldn't be an issue, but toss in two kids and Im ready to join the circus some days!lol

But it is short term and some day I will be an empty nester and miss the shit all over my house (I will, right??lol).

You'll miss it some day. When your house is quiet and clean. I'm sure it's unbelievably hard to juggle it all right now.

[Deleted]

@bluester - Life as a parent (single or married), is pretty hard to fully comprehend until you're there.  I thought I had done well preparing financially, but the time commitment was the real shock.  The physical and emotional drainage is real.  My kids were both gone for 5 days last Summer during the week to a Grandparents.  It was unbelievable how fast I could get out of the house in the morning without them.  I mean it was crazy!  There was no fighting in the van on the drive to town and no reasoning (bribing) with younger son while he hung on my leg not wanting me to leave him at school  Then after work...I went home...straight home.  No running to daycare, no Scouts, no swim lessons, no soccer.  When I got home I didn't have to make dinner if I didn't want to, a sandwich was fine.  I didn't have to help with homework or give anyone a bath, I cleaned the house without having to stop every 10 minutes to break up fights or attend to some other need and after the house was clean...it STAYED that way.  I love my kids, but it was heaven. 

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 15:42:12 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

@bluester - Life as a parent (single or married), is pretty hard to fully comprehend until you're there.  I thought I had done well preparing financially, but the time commitment was the real shock.  The physical and emotional drainage is real.  My kids were both gone for 5 days last Summer during the week to a Grandparents.  It was unbelievable how fast I could get out of the house in the morning without them.  I mean it was crazy!  There was no fighting in the van on the drive to town and no reasoning (bribing) with younger son while he hung on my leg not wanting me to leave him at school  Then after work...I went home...straight home.  No running to daycare, no Scouts, no swim lessons, no soccer.  When I got home I didn't have to make dinner if I didn't want to, a sandwich was fine.  I didn't have to help with homework or give anyone a bath, I cleaned the house without having to stop every 10 minutes to break up fights or attend to some other need and after the house was clean...it STAYED that way.  I love my kids, but it was heaven. 

And that is exactly why I never had kids.

Even in my early 20s I always said "I can barely get myself to work on time, how could I do it with kids."

I love birth control.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

It was unbelievable how fast I could get out of the house in the morning without them. I mean it was crazy!

seriously, even when they're asleep because there's no school and I'm going to work. The morning is So. much. faster.

bluester, as an example, at 11:00am on Tuesday, DD#1 (age 18 and a senior in high school) texted me that she has decided to live with her boyfriend when she goes to college this fall. The emotional upheaval that text caused for the next 12 hours completely threw off my "Household Manager" role. 
Raising children is physically and emotionally exhausting with a 24 hour per day time commitment.

And, while I spent 18 months as a single parent, I am not currently a single parent.

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 15:56:51 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

It was unbelievable how fast I could get out of the house in the morning without them. I mean it was crazy!

seriously, even when they're asleep because there's no school and I'm going to work. The morning is So. much. faster.

bluester, as an example, at 11:00am on Tuesday, DD#1 (age 18 and a senior in high school) texted me that she has decided to live with her boyfriend when she goes to college this fall. The emotional upheaval that text caused for the next 12 hours completely threw off my "Household Manager" role. 
Raising children is physically and emotionally exhausting with a 24 hour per day time commitment.

And, while I spent 18 months as a single parent, I am not currently a single parent.

And again, I love birth control. And choices, I love choices.

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 16:10:03 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Apr 23, 2016 15:56:51 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

seriously, even when they're asleep because there's no school and I'm going to work. The morning is So. much. faster.

bluester, as an example, at 11:00am on Tuesday, DD#1 (age 18 and a senior in high school) texted me that she has decided to live with her boyfriend when she goes to college this fall. The emotional upheaval that text caused for the next 12 hours completely threw off my "Household Manager" role. 
Raising children is physically and emotionally exhausting with a 24 hour per day time commitment.

And, while I spent 18 months as a single parent, I am not currently a single parent.

And again, I love birth control. And choices, I love choices.

Nobody here is saying their kids aren't worth it or they resent their lives and wish they never had them, but that doesn't change the fact that parenting is hard. 

[Deleted]

When I think back to my day to day life as a single parent, just remembering the details makes me tired lol.

I didn't resent all the work and the pressure of being a single parent, it was just what my life was. The worst thing about it for me was having to make all the important decisions about my kids by myself. Especially when there were serious medical issues and I had to make decisions. Sure, I had family I could talk to and ask for opinions, knowing they loved my kids too, but so many times I wished I could lean on their other parent for support and share thoughts and opinions, figure out what to do, with someone whose role in their lives was just as important as mine was.

[Deleted]

My parents were divorced but my dad had custody. Mother was an alcoholic deemed too unstable to care for me and my sister. The attempted suicide didn't help her case either. She didn't make jackshit for money but I still went to her place every weekend. Eh, she let me read in peace, what did I care.

ETA: Guess I should add that my dad made ALL decisions regarding our care. He paid for it, he made the decisions. My mother actually had no say in any of it whatsoever.

[NoNamePerson]

I never considered myself a single parent. But like I said on other thread my son was 16 when I pulled the plug. I just was divorced - nothing more. Not married but the single parent thing never came up maybe due to the age of son? I certainly never used the term. Hell, I was to busy making up for lost time and probably didn't mention I had a son  much less wave the single parent flag.

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2016 16:26:03 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Apr 23, 2016 16:10:03 GMT -5 @bluester said:

And again, I love birth control. And choices, I love choices.

Nobody here is saying their kids aren't worth it or they resent their lives and wish they never had them, but that doesn't change the fact that parenting is hard. 

I agree with you 1000%. I always thought I would have kids, maybe, but due to the fact DH has Multiple Sclerosis, we weren't absolutely positive on whether we would or not. Unfortunately, my father dropping dead 6 months after we got married made the decision for us. He and my mother were going to be supports for us, childcare and just generally there, but he died and she wouldn't stop smoking herself to death so we decided, no kids. (There were other mitigating factors but these are more relevant to the discussion) DH was also afraid of passing the MS on to any spawn we might have as he is the ONLY one in his entire too effing large family to have it. Although his neurologist did say it is not hereditary but who knows? I didn't know Crohn's fucking disease could be hereditary until I had my appendix out. THANKS MOM!!!!

Being married to a 49 year old who acts like a 15 year old at times, is bad enough. I don't think I would have the wherewithal to handle an actual child as well, without trying to commit suicide myself.

[Deleted]

Similar to this, what qualifies you as an orphan?  I had this discussion once because I called myself an orphan, and a friend disputed that description.

Background:  My father died when I was five.  My mother was on furlough from the mental hospital at the time.  She took me and my sister out of state.  She was committed to the state hospital in two more states over the next three years.  When I was eight, we went to live with a cousin.  When I was nine, we went to live with my aunt that I mention sometimes (the one who was a teacher and lived to be over 100).

I never saw my mother after I was eight or nine.  She died when I was thirty-something and had two kids of my own.

I described myself as an orphan, and the friend said orphans only apply to small children.  I guess he is right, but I still say I was orphaned at a young age.  It saves a lot of explanations.

[tloonya]

Apr 23, 2016 13:35:03 GMT -5 DagnyT said:

Methinks you have probably started a heated debate!!

What is so friggin complicated?

There are Mom and Dad. If ANY I absent ONE is SINGLE.

Bored?