work with a martyr

[Deleted]

martyr: a person who pretends to suffer or who exaggerates suffering in order to get praise or sympathy

Help! I work with a martyr and I am ready to blow.

1) She says she can only buy her clothes at Goodwill and thrift stores, yet she receives packages every week from Zappos, Nordstrom, Ann Taylor, etc.

2) She complains that her husband is an alcoholic because he gets drunk once every blue moon (when he does drink), yet she drinks wine every night.

3) She whines because she cannot get a brand new car, but she drives a nice used high-end vehicle. Her husband buys her vehicles.

No sympathy from me.

She tells me how lucky I am. I support myself and have been working major overtime. I don't know if I would call that lucky.

I have to deal with her and hear her problems because we work right next to each other so avoiding her won't work. Thank goodness she is only part-time.

How can I make her realize her life isn't bad? Have you ever dealt with someone like this?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

How can I make her realize her life isn't bad? Have you ever dealt with someone like this?

You can't.   She is well aware her life is not as bad as she claims it is, she is doing it because it gets her attention that she craves for a reason that will remain unknown to you.  You engaging her validates her behavior because any attention is good attention.

My MIL is a martyr.  I can either put myself into a mental institution trying to fix her or I can let it go in one ear and out the other.

Every once and awhile I like to see how far she'll take it.  Not very nice of me but it is interesting to watch how far she'll bend over to top whatever it is I said.

[Regis]

I'd probably reply with something like, "Wow.  That really sucks for you" and then move on.

[garion2003]

Apr 13, 2016 8:22:44 GMT -5 @bluester said:

martyr: a person who pretends to suffer or who exaggerates suffering in order to get praise or sympathy

Help! I work with a martyr and I am ready to blow.

1) She says she can only buy her clothes at Goodwill and thrift stores, yet she receives packages every week from Zappos, Nordstrom, Ann Taylor, etc.

2) She complains that her husband is an alcoholic because he gets drunk once every blue moon (when he does drink), yet she drinks wine every night.

3) She whines because she cannot get a brand new car, but she drives a nice used high-end vehicle. Her husband buys her vehicles.

No sympathy from me.

She tells me how lucky I am. I support myself and have been working major overtime. I don't know if I would call that lucky.

I have to deal with her and hear her problems because we work right next to each other so avoiding her won't work. Thank goodness she is only part-time.

How can I make her realize her life isn't bad? Have you ever dealt with someone like this?

You can't.

What you can do is spend a lot of time an energy on the problem and ultimately it will be you who pays the price, not her! 

You can't avoid her, but can you tune her out? Or just reply to each "complaint" with a platitude?  ("That must be very difficult for you".)

Or just over the top and really one up her at every chance you get, whether it's true or not.  Out martyr her!

My own inclination, as annoying as she would be, is to just deal with her professionally and not engage in therapy or oneupmanship. She doesn't think she needs to be "fixed" and you could spend a lot of time grinding your wheels. But if something else works for you, great!

Good luck!

[MJ2.0]

I would start making shit up...like make up the most pitiful sob story and see what she says to top it.

[hoops902]

Tell her you have a serious disease (AIDS, cancer, whatever). Then every time she complains just say "well at least you don't have (insert disease)."

Or you could do what I do at work, when they start complaining you say "Sounds like a lot of bad stuff is happening to you, my birthday wish is finally coming true".

[Opti]

You won't change her, but you might discourage her.

1) For those packages, it might be fun to point out they aren't thrift stores. Ask if Ann Taylor/Nordstrom's counts as a thrift store to her because she wants to buy from Neiman Marcus.

[Deleted]

I try point out the many things she has that others don't. Example: boat, camper, four-wheelers, kayaks, many acres of land

In conversation I say that we don't have any of that fun stuff. (We are okay with that. Don't want it.)

When a package gets delivered and she isn't here, I usually text her to let her know. Next time I will tell her she got a package from Goodwill. :-)

To top it off, she doesn't have to or want to work a lot of hours.

[Deleted]

Oh yeah - To top it off, last weekend my boss was telling me he feels sorry for her!!! Maybe that was my breaking point. She complains about her husband a lot to our boss.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And?   Why are you investing so much mental energy in this woman and her "problems".

That is what martyrs want, your attention.   The best thing you can do is ignore her and learn to let her comments flow off your back.  

You can't control how she behaves, you can only control how you react to her.  You're the one giving her comments power.

[giramomma]

You know, you can set boundaries.  "I'm sorry. I don't like it when you share your finances with me. How about the weather, local sports team, the local comedian, this new recipe, etc."

Or you could say "I'm no longer going to text you when your packages come." I'm not sure why you would, anyway. That's not something I do for my co-workers..

Or smile and nod. Or, smile, nod, and then leave her presence. If she's keen enough to pick up on social cues, she'll get the hint.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Apr 13, 2016 9:09:47 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

And?   Why are you investing so much mental energy in this woman and her "problems".

That is what martyrs want, your attention.   The best thing you can do is ignore her and learn to let her comments flow off your back.  

You can't control how she behaves, you can only control how you react to her.  You're the one giving her comments power.

This is where I'm at.  You cannot control her behavior, only your's.  They are looking for impact/power, and you are giving it to them.

I call it living rent free in your brain.  Why should she get that privilege?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Or you could say "I'm no longer going to text you when your packages come." I'm not sure why you would, anyway. That's not something I do for my co-workers..

Me neither.  At most I send an email if it is super important.  Otherwise I put the item away and leave a sticky note on their desk with the location of the item.

I'd spend my entire day on the phone if I texted people about their packages.

[giramomma]

Apr 13, 2016 8:58:48 GMT -5 @bluester said:

To top it off, she doesn't have to or want to work a lot of hours.

I'm trying to say this very respectfully. It seems like you value work, and a lot of it.

I think it's great, if it works for you. It used to work for me too. I used to work 60-70 hour weeks, even when I was pregnant. My last pregnancy, I took 6 days off in 9 months, only because they were legal holidays.

Now, I'm finding working so much no longer works for me, for lots of reasons. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with me now, because I don't want to work 60-70 hour weeks anymore. 

We all have different values/priorities in life. Its not in my place to judge those who have different values and priorities than mine. Particularly when I am not privy to the inner workings of another person's life.

[Peace77]

Next time she starts to moan, groan and complain, tell her that you have work to do.  Then, ignore her.

[saveinla]

Invest in a good pair of headphones and listen to music while you work. That way you will not have to listen to her.

[TheHaitian]

Apr 13, 2016 11:01:05 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Apr 13, 2016 8:58:48 GMT -5 @bluester said:

To top it off, she doesn't have to or want to work a lot of hours.

I'm trying to say this very respectfully. It seems like you value work, and a lot of it.

I think it's great, if it works for you. It used to work for me too. I used to work 60-70 hour weeks, even when I was pregnant. My last pregnancy, I took 6 days off in 9 months, only because they were legal holidays.

Now, I'm finding working so much no longer works for me, for lots of reasons. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with me now, because I don't want to work 60-70 hour weeks anymore. 

We all have different values/priorities in life. Its not in my place to judge those who have different values and priorities than mine. Particularly when I am not privy to the inner workings of another person's life.

You are free not to value working long hours all you want!

But do not complain how you want a new car and don't want to buy from thrift stores yet refuse to work more hours because you enjoy being a part timer.

A certain lifestyle requires a certain income
Either you work to earn that income to afford that lifestyle or you are ok with not having that lifestyle (unless you inherit it or marry into it).

[Phoenix84]

It's not your job to make her realize her life isn't bad, it's your job to do your job.

This may sound silly, but have you asked her to stop complaining so much? If that spent work, either live with it or complain to the boss.

[Deleted]

Apr 13, 2016 11:01:05 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Apr 13, 2016 8:58:48 GMT -5 @bluester said:

To top it off, she doesn't have to or want to work a lot of hours.

I'm trying to say this very respectfully. It seems like you value work, and a lot of it.

I think it's great, if it works for you. It used to work for me too. I used to work 60-70 hour weeks, even when I was pregnant. My last pregnancy, I took 6 days off in 9 months, only because they were legal holidays.

Now, I'm finding working so much no longer works for me, for lots of reasons. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with me now, because I don't want to work 60-70 hour weeks anymore. 

We all have different values/priorities in life. Its not in my place to judge those who have different values and priorities than mine. Particularly when I am not privy to the inner workings of another person's life.

Working a lot no longer works for me either, but I work in a tax accounting office. Not too much longer I will be back to regular hours! Right now, I feel it is my responsibility to work as much as I can to help out and get things done by April 18th. I usually reward myself with something after tax season, but I will keep it to myself so I don't have to hear how lucky I am.

[lexxy703]

My response would be "ah yes, first world problems" or "more fwp". Hopefully it would shame her into shutting up.

[Plain Old Petunia]

You should say things like "Oh, you're so lucky!!  I wish I could afford to shop at Goodwill!"   Or "Your husband is an alcoholic?  Must be nice."

Turn the tables and drive HER crazy.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My brother is always carrying on about how "lucky" I am.   Not really, it's that I didn't chose to be a mooching half employed pothead for most of my life, but let's not let pesky details cloud the issue.

I can either engage him which will do absolutely nothing to solve the problem and will likely result in me someday having a stroke or I can ignore it.

Which since it is my brother is easier said than done.

But a co-worker?  Why on earth are you engaging her?  Why are you texting her about packages?  Is it your job to text her when she gets a package?  If not then just STOP DOING IT.  If she asks why tell her you need to focus on your actual job duties, she knows she has a package coming and can look for it herself.

You have nothing to do with her outside of work.   Beyond common courtesy/professionalism you don't have to have any kind of relationship with her whatsoever. Why are you wasting so much mental energy on a person who doesn't matter?

[Deleted]

My former boyfriend used to say, "I hate that for you" when someone said something about being short of money, or their car wasn't working, or whatever.  It's not totally devoid of sympathy, but it doesn't try to fix anything.    

She wants you to engage on her favorite topic--herself.  Simply don't.  If you say, "Can we talk about this another time?  I have to do x or y right now," she'll eventually get the message.

[jeep108]

"Bless your heart".  Works for me.

[ArchietheDragon]

piss in her coffee. 

[Deleted]

Apr 13, 2016 13:57:27 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

piss in her coffee. 

I heard that some people are drinking the pee of truck drivers at truck stops hoping to get the passed through speed.

[ArchietheDragon]

Apr 13, 2016 14:31:17 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Apr 13, 2016 13:57:27 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

piss in her coffee. 

I heard that some people are drinking the pee of truck drivers at truck stops hoping to get the passed through speed.

and drinking it straight from the source doesn't make you gay.  At least that is what I hear that people say about it. 

[Artemis Windsong]

I need to make a few notes.  We'll catch up later.

[Deleted]

Apr 13, 2016 13:52:47 GMT -5 jeep108 said:

"Bless your heart".  Works for me.

"Bless your heart" isn't something you say to a person's face . . . at least in the South. It is very much an insult.

You say "bless HER heart" when you talk about someone behind their back. 

[NoNamePerson]

Apr 13, 2016 8:36:07 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

I would start making shit up...like make up the most pitiful sob story and see what she says to top it.

Are you sure we aren't kin. I love to take stuff and run with it.