Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Mar 17, 2016 13:24:25 GMT -5
I'm ready to estrange myself from my half-brother. He blew up at me this morning when I told him not to take all my mom's respected Tea Party members--to go buy some. He accused me of all kinds of ridiculous things and scared my 3 year old and said the f word multiple times in front of him. (Plus, apparently since he stole $1000+ from my mom 2 years ago, it doesn't count any more.) He left slamming the door and proceeded to send my DH 8 texts as if my DH would side with him. This is not the first time I've had it with him. I've thought before that once my mom is gone, I no longer have to have much to do with him. ETA: I didn't write "respected Tea Party members". We actually use Lipton tea bags.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 17, 2016 14:11:22 GMT -5
I was wondering.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Mar 17, 2016 14:55:16 GMT -5
Best laugh I've had all day!
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Mar 17, 2016 15:00:15 GMT -5
I go back and forth on whether my mother actually has narcissistic personality disorder or just wound up with the emotional maturity level of a nine year old. I don't suppose it matters much, but I feel like an actual NPD person would be more effective and more subtle at the emotional manipulation? Definitely got the unwarranted arrogance/superiority, self absorption, total lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and instinct to attack viciously at any perceived insult. She's exhausting to deal with under the best of circumstances but then there are the occasional gratuitous and incredibly hurtful actions as well. I decided that a. she will never change or admit fault, b. the energy I put into dealing with these incidents is energy that should be going to DH and DS, c. I'm not myself mentally and emotionally stable enough to deal with the backstabbing and d. I don't want DS growing up thinking that he isn't as good as his cousin or that it's ok to constantly verbally abuse your spouse. I cut ties last fall. I'm not what you'd call happy about having had to do it, but I am relieved and at peace with the decision. Apparently when she found out she went ballistic blaming it all on my father I'm still working on fixing myself from growing up with her as primary role model. It's hard. I forgot to mention in my previous post that both my mom and my aunt were estranged from their mom for the last few years of her life. My grandma had a lot of untreated mental health issues. I hate to say it, but I think me, my brother and my cousins probably would have been better off if our parents had stopped trying to have a relationship with our grandma sooner. I have mixed feelings about her. She got a really raw deal in life, and I don't think she really meant to hurt anyone, but she was a difficult lady to deal with. She was never even that awful to me and brother. It was more the stress of my mom's volatile relationship with her that was hard on us. It sounds like you are making the right decision for your family, and I am sure it will get easier.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 17, 2016 15:08:55 GMT -5
No estrangement, but I am glad my sister lives far away.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 17, 2016 15:18:12 GMT -5
I go back and forth on whether my mother actually has narcissistic personality disorder or just wound up with the emotional maturity level of a nine year old. I don't suppose it matters much, but I feel like an actual NPD person would be more effective and more subtle at the emotional manipulation? Definitely got the unwarranted arrogance/superiority, self absorption, total lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and instinct to attack viciously at any perceived insult. She's exhausting to deal with under the best of circumstances but then there are the occasional gratuitous and incredibly hurtful actions as well. I decided that a. she will never change or admit fault, b. the energy I put into dealing with these incidents is energy that should be going to DH and DS, c. I'm not myself mentally and emotionally stable enough to deal with the backstabbing and d. I don't want DS growing up thinking that he isn't as good as his cousin or that it's ok to constantly verbally abuse your spouse. I cut ties last fall. I'm not what you'd call happy about having had to do it, but I am relieved and at peace with the decision. Apparently when she found out she went ballistic blaming it all on my father I'm still working on fixing myself from growing up with her as primary role model. It's hard. I forgot to mention in my previous post that both my mom and my aunt were estranged from their mom for the last few years of her life. My grandma had a lot of untreated mental health issues. I hate to say it, but I think me, my brother and my cousins probably would have been better off if our parents had stopped trying to have a relationship with our grandma sooner. I have mixed feelings about her. She got a really raw deal in life, and I don't think she really meant to hurt anyone, but she was a difficult lady to deal with. She was never even that awful to me and brother. It was more the stress of my mom's volatile relationship with her that was hard on us. It sounds like you are making the right decision for your family, and I am sure it will get easier. And if she's anything like my dad (sounds like it), at some point she'll do something so beyond the pale that you will know you did the right thing. Recently I've been doing some reading about "co-narcissism" (basically a type of co-dependence you develop from being raised by a narcissistic parent) and it has been very helpful in trying to unravel some of the behaviors and thought processes I've had since childhood. This is a good article: www.alanrappoport.com/pdf/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdf
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 17, 2016 15:23:41 GMT -5
Damn that article hits close to home in terms of how I tend to behave at work.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Mar 17, 2016 16:04:33 GMT -5
I kind of think my DS2 will be estranged from everyone but his bio twin (and maybe even her) when he finally grows up and moves out. He has untreated emotional issues ('talk' therapy should be able to fix) and refuses all help. I can drag him to therapy but not out of the car. Too young to kick out of the house, too old to carry in to a therapist. *sigh* I'll bet he'll come back when he needs something (money) and then 'estrange' when he doesn't.
On one hand, I'll be glad when he leaves (and pray that he walks out and I won't be faced with kicking him out) due to the verbal abuse and one instance of physical abuse. On the other hand, I dearly love him and wish he would accept help. Too much trauma prior to my fostering/adopting him. Even with the early counseling, teenage hormones seems to have caused a resurgence.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 17, 2016 16:12:54 GMT -5
I kind of think my DS2 will be estranged from everyone but his bio twin (and maybe even her) when he finally grows up and moves out. He has untreated emotional issues ('talk' therapy should be able to fix) and refuses all help. I can drag him to therapy but not out of the car. Too young to kick out of the house, too old to carry in to a therapist. *sigh* I'll bet he'll come back when he needs something (money) and then 'estrange' when he doesn't. On one hand, I'll be glad when he leaves (and pray that he walks out and I won't be faced with kicking him out) due to the verbal abuse and one instance of physical abuse. On the other hand, I dearly love him and wish he would accept help. Too much trauma prior to my fostering/adopting him. Even with the early counseling, teenage hormones seems to have caused a resurgence. I'm so sorry.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Mar 17, 2016 16:18:49 GMT -5
Yes, my DS had a screaming melt down on me two years ago, sending me six nasty, swear laden emails over the course of one evening to my work email address (yes, to work, thanks very much) and then started up again the next morning. She accused me of totally crazy things, such as making her in laws hate her (the inlaws I've met exactly 3 times in twenty years, for maybe five minutes each time??)
DS is a narcissist, spoiled horribly by our Mom, prone to melt downs and long term sulks. I tolerated it when Mom was around, because Mom required everyone in the family to pander to her favorite, but I always knew at some point Mom wouldn't be around anymore, and I could cut myself loose.
I feel bad for her, because she's the source of all her own drama, but she's also not capable of any introspection (narcissist's usually aren't) and I'm just too old for that crap.
Since then she had a major melt down on the one remaining sibling willing to speak to her, but they managed to patch together a distant but polite relationship, which is probably the best she can achieve. Not with me, though, I'm done with that self pitying, angry drama.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 17, 2016 16:34:57 GMT -5
It does get old, doesn't it?
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Mar 17, 2016 16:35:26 GMT -5
I forgot to mention in my previous post that both my mom and my aunt were estranged from their mom for the last few years of her life. My grandma had a lot of untreated mental health issues. I hate to say it, but I think me, my brother and my cousins probably would have been better off if our parents had stopped trying to have a relationship with our grandma sooner. I have mixed feelings about her. She got a really raw deal in life, and I don't think she really meant to hurt anyone, but she was a difficult lady to deal with. She was never even that awful to me and brother. It was more the stress of my mom's volatile relationship with her that was hard on us. It sounds like you are making the right decision for your family, and I am sure it will get easier. And if she's anything like my dad (sounds like it), at some point she'll do something so beyond the pale that you will know you did the right thing. Recently I've been doing some reading about "co-narcissism" (basically a type of co-dependence you develop from being raised by a narcissistic parent) and it has been very helpful in trying to unravel some of the behaviors and thought processes I've had since childhood. This is a good article: www.alanrappoport.com/pdf/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdfThat was an interesting article. My grandma was most likely a narcissist. My mom used compliance to cope, and my aunt went with rebellion. Even the next generation of us ended up with a bunch of co-narcissist traits. At least our generation had more access to therapy.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Mar 17, 2016 17:09:55 GMT -5
I haven't talked to my dad or anyone from his side of the family in over 16 years. I'd definitely say he, his sister and his mom are narcissists or at the very least are just very selfish individuals. I don't think any of them were meant to have kids because they cared about themselves way more than anyone else. My mom's side of the family is just as small and we may not be a tight nit bunch but the difference between the two sides is night and day.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Mar 17, 2016 17:14:21 GMT -5
I kind of think my DS2 will be estranged from everyone but his bio twin (and maybe even her) when he finally grows up and moves out. He has untreated emotional issues ('talk' therapy should be able to fix) and refuses all help. I can drag him to therapy but not out of the car. Too young to kick out of the house, too old to carry in to a therapist. *sigh* I'll bet he'll come back when he needs something (money) and then 'estrange' when he doesn't. On one hand, I'll be glad when he leaves (and pray that he walks out and I won't be faced with kicking him out) due to the verbal abuse and one instance of physical abuse. On the other hand, I dearly love him and wish he would accept help. Too much trauma prior to my fostering/adopting him. Even with the early counseling, teenage hormones seems to have caused a resurgence. This makes me sad. How old is he, a teenager? They can be difficult at times. Sorry. I hope you can somehow work things out.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Mar 17, 2016 17:37:58 GMT -5
I have rather large extended families on both mom and dad's side. second cousins, overlapping generations due to marrying young, etc. I talk to a handful of people on my dad's side and almost nobody on my mom's. my dad's side, I don't really have anything in common with the majority of the ones that moved back to Canada, and my grandmother passed away last summer. no drama or anything. I'm FB friends with all of them that are on FB, and we interact occasionally. there are a few that have untreated mental issues that I try not to engage at all for my own sanity. the ones I want to keep in touch with, I do. my mom's side, I'd love to keep one cousin and just let the rest go. that one cousin isn't even blood, but she's the first one I'd list if I had to write everyone's name down. I'm actually a little afraid to give any detail about why I want nothing to do with this side, on the off chance that one of them sees this and realizes it's them. it's just easier to unfollow them on FB than to listen to the crap I'd get from my mom about why I was cutting them out of my life. after nana passed, sis and I told mom in no uncertain terms that we were done with the lot of 'em.
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Mar 17, 2016 18:12:22 GMT -5
I go back and forth on whether my mother actually has narcissistic personality disorder or just wound up with the emotional maturity level of a nine year old. I don't suppose it matters much, but I feel like an actual NPD person would be more effective and more subtle at the emotional manipulation? Definitely got the unwarranted arrogance/superiority, self absorption, total lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and instinct to attack viciously at any perceived insult. She's exhausting to deal with under the best of circumstances but then there are the occasional gratuitous and incredibly hurtful actions as well. I decided that a. she will never change or admit fault, b. the energy I put into dealing with these incidents is energy that should be going to DH and DS, c. I'm not myself mentally and emotionally stable enough to deal with the backstabbing and d. I don't want DS growing up thinking that he isn't as good as his cousin or that it's ok to constantly verbally abuse your spouse. I cut ties last fall. I'm not what you'd call happy about having had to do it, but I am relieved and at peace with the decision. Apparently when she found out she went ballistic blaming it all on my father I'm still working on fixing myself from growing up with her as primary role model. It's hard. You are describing my mother too. I think she is also bipolar. She has cut me off (which makes the situation slightly easier, less guilt) after my sister, brother, and I helped my Dad during his illness and their subsequent divorce. She told me if I was on fire, she wouldn't spit on me. Incredibly painful. It's been 8 years and if she needed help (she's 81), I would be there but it would be very hard. Nothing is easy with her. The like button doesn't seem like the right way to acknowledge this post...I'm sorry to hear it. The vindictiveness is never fun.
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daisy
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Post by daisy on Mar 17, 2016 18:31:58 GMT -5
In my family - no estrangements, we truly all do get along and look forward to seeing each other. I thought all families were like that until I met my ex. His mother didn't speak to her brother....but when he died recently she took to her bed for weeks - to me that was foolish because their estrangement was not over anything in particular. They should have kissed and made up years ago!! Then my ex and his cousin decided that they needed to be BFFs...which I wish they had done years ago as we had daughters of a similar age and they might have liked each other!
DH and his one sister had not spoken for YEARS - she's 'something' and won't medicate so he said the whole family walked on eggshells around her and once both of his parents passed away, he just stopped having anything to do with her. She posted on FB that her partner of 20+ years was dying of BC and that hit home with him as I have been BC NED for 7 years...so he reached out and they had a few conversations. Her partner passed away this last week and he actually went to her house to express his sympathy - he has decided that small amounts of time together are fine, no holidays or anything lengthy. If she has a memorial service or anything I'm sure we will both attend.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 17, 2016 19:07:20 GMT -5
What is BC?
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lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Mar 17, 2016 19:22:34 GMT -5
I forgot to mention in my previous post that both my mom and my aunt were estranged from their mom for the last few years of her life. My grandma had a lot of untreated mental health issues. I hate to say it, but I think me, my brother and my cousins probably would have been better off if our parents had stopped trying to have a relationship with our grandma sooner. I have mixed feelings about her. She got a really raw deal in life, and I don't think she really meant to hurt anyone, but she was a difficult lady to deal with. She was never even that awful to me and brother. It was more the stress of my mom's volatile relationship with her that was hard on us. It sounds like you are making the right decision for your family, and I am sure it will get easier. And if she's anything like my dad (sounds like it), at some point she'll do something so beyond the pale that you will know you did the right thing. Recently I've been doing some reading about "co-narcissism" (basically a type of co-dependence you develop from being raised by a narcissistic parent) and it has been very helpful in trying to unravel some of the behaviors and thought processes I've had since childhood. This is a good article: www.alanrappoport.com/pdf/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdfAww...Y'all are making me tear up here! The article made me shudder a little because the narcissist/co-narcissist sounds like it describes my mother's relationship with B/SIL pretty well. Also at the cyclical nature of it...I know my mother had problems with her mother being controlling, but I don't know any details. Thankfully my father is not a co-narcissist, my DH is attractive for many reasons including his incredible emotional stability, and in retrospect I think hardcore training in science helped me a LOT. Logic and the ingrained reflex to consider all sides are invaluable to internal defenses against narcissism. The cycle ends here. Any time I wonder if I'm being too harsh...there are lots of instances that bring me to my senses pretty fast. One of the things she passed on to me that I haven't fixed yet is the ability to hold a (decades-long) grudge!
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daisy
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Post by daisy on Mar 17, 2016 20:17:57 GMT -5
Sorry, Breast Cancer and NED is No Evidence of Disease - it makes me crazy when people talk about being 'cured'....guess what? Ain't no cure. Best you can hope for is to go many years before it pops up in some other part of your body or even the same spot. There are some it never comes back and there's just about everyone I know who has it come back in some form. DH's sister was diagnosed Stage 4 last year I guess. She did treatment and it popped up in her brain; they thought it might be Early Onset Alzheimer's but it was major tumor growth in her brain. If that happens to me, I'd just as soon go in a month like she did.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 17, 2016 20:43:52 GMT -5
OH, thank you, sorry. My Aunt had it 17 years ago and it came back a few months ago. She had a double mastectomy this time and so far so good. The tests are all coming back cancer gone but they want her to have chemo and radiation. She has said NO. DH had colon cancer 30 years ago. It never came back. His father got pancreatic cancer and was gone in less than a year. You just can't tell with that horrid disease.
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cronewitch
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I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Mar 18, 2016 12:20:04 GMT -5
OH, thank you, sorry. My Aunt had it 17 years ago and it came back a few months ago. She had a double mastectomy this time and so far so good. The tests are all coming back cancer gone but they want her to have chemo and radiation. She has said NO. DH had colon cancer 30 years ago. It never came back. His father got pancreatic cancer and was gone in less than a year. You just can't tell with that horrid disease. My aunt had BC twice first over 35 years ago. Now she is 88 cancer free. My 2 brothers sil and I visited her yesterday two of her kids and grandson. The brother from Mexico is visiting local brother for two weeks everyone friendly.
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 18, 2016 12:24:40 GMT -5
My 92 year old mother has survived six bouts of cancer: 3 skin cancers, 2 bouts with bladder cancer and one round with breast cancer. She is 2-1/2 years out from the BC diagnosis and still in the clear.
It can be done.
And I believe "cure" is an accurate word (although clearly not "medically correct").
My mother is one tough old bird!!
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Mar 18, 2016 14:05:31 GMT -5
Cheesecakelady: DS2 is 17. So not much longer to go but only a junior and I'd love to be able for him to stay at home until he graduates High School. Hell, I have money to send him to trade school or college (has the grades and intelligence) and plan on it! But if I have to kick him out, I'll also let him sink low very fast in hope he reaches bottom sooner than later and accepts help. Which means that I can't bail him out at all.
One of the major reasons for needing him to leave is for the other kids. Its so hard on them and I don't want to be 'that mom' that keeps making excuses for that one kid and lets the others fall by the wayside. Its so damn hard! Especially when you know what's coming and can't get them to hear it (so, I don't say anything anymore).
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