Deleted
Joined: Oct 13, 2024 19:25:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2016 11:45:20 GMT -5
Do you have any family members you are estranged from?
If so, why?
I have a sister that was constantly making little "digs" at me. In conversation with others, she would talk like I did not exist, as if I was not my mother's daughter. I quit responding or fighting back and eliminated all contact with her. Every one of her "jabs" at me felt like a knife in the heart. Boundaries were needed.
My 70 year old aunt does not talk to a lot of the family members. It's sad because she is all alone. When she did talk, she was always looking for dirt about other family members.
It upsets me people can be so mean.
|
|
emma1420
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 28, 2011 15:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,430
|
Post by emma1420 on Mar 16, 2016 11:50:54 GMT -5
I don't really talk to my mother's side of the family, primarily because I don't really talk to my mother. I don't talk to her because she's an emotional viper, and I'm better off without her. I know a couple of cousins who feel similarly about my mother, but the rest of her side of the family have made it clear that I'm not a nice person because I don't have contact with her. It used to bother me, but at this point I don't really give a crap if they think I'm a crappy person. I refuse to be pull into that particular toxic relationship.
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,335
|
Post by andi9899 on Mar 16, 2016 12:23:57 GMT -5
I have a cousin who is a drug addict clepto who is constantly in and out of jail. I won't let her anywhere near my house. In fact, I don't think she's ever seen my girls and they are 16 & 18.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Mar 16, 2016 12:38:01 GMT -5
I no longer speak to my older brother. I think he's kinda-sorta pulled his life together (no longer homeless; living in disabled Section 8 housing with an SSI check; going to church support groups frequently and participating in a methadone program), but we have absolutely nothing in common except his girls (DH and I took them in and finished raising them when he became a drug addict, divorced his wife when she went into a long-term psychiatric lock-up, and became homeless). We gave him so much money over the years that we will NEVER see (even though he swore on stacks of Bibles he would pay us back). He hasn't asked me for money in several years because he knows he can no longer con or guilt me. The only time he calls his girls is to ask them for money . We've coached them how to say No.
It's sad, but I also think it is perfectly reasonable to have boundaries (and even estrangements) with family members when it is necessary. The way I see it, he "created" the "necessity" (the need for distance) by his actions.
And yes, my 92 year old mother still digs at me with subtle sideways verbal swipes and "guilts" me about not communicating with him, but I just choose not to hear it.
|
|
cronewitch
Junior Associate
I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:44:20 GMT -5
Posts: 5,979
|
Post by cronewitch on Mar 16, 2016 12:48:03 GMT -5
None who know it. I don't like my brother's eldest daughter but if we were in the same location I would be polite. Second daughter's stepson I will not speak to even in the same room, he molested a girl. Not speaking to him or about him is the best I can do.
|
|
alabamagal
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 11:30:29 GMT -5
Posts: 8,148
|
Post by alabamagal on Mar 16, 2016 12:53:02 GMT -5
DH and his sister do not speak anymore. They did not get along as kids or young adults. They actually collaborated for their parents 50th anniversary.
But things turned bad again when FIL passed away. We were on vacation with my family when FIL got sick, and SIL was upset that we did not drop everything for the "death watch" when FIL was not even concious. The only inheritance was a hunting rifle which DH and SIL fought over, DH got it, and neither of them hunt!
|
|
flamingo
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2012 10:38:09 GMT -5
Posts: 1,962
Mini-Profile Name Color: 7c65d4
Member is Online
|
Post by flamingo on Mar 16, 2016 12:56:11 GMT -5
I've put quite a bit of distance between me and my sibling this year. I'm not a fan of all of her choices. Well, not her choices so much, as her reaction to how others have reacted to her choices. It's a constant battle with her, and she won't even talk about getting the help she so desperately needs. She and my mom are like oil and water, and I don't appreciate how she puts me in the middle. I finally had to unfollow her on FB because I didn't want to see the drama played out for all the world to see.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 13, 2024 19:25:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2016 13:02:50 GMT -5
My Ex was estranged from his family for years before he died. He was alcoholic, a liar and manipulative. If you tried to be nice to him he'd respond for awhile, but before you knew it he'd be back to pushing whatever buttons he knew were your areas of weakness. A well-meaning cousin found him on a park bench (he'd been living off of charitable programs) and took him in but that didn't last long, for the usual reasons. It was really sad. When his sister got the call that he was dying of multiple organ failure in a hospital many states away, she let us know, she helped a lot in getting DS (then age 26) the paperwork he needed to sign as next-of-kin and put him in touch with the hospital to make end-of-life decisions, but she never saw him alive again. She could well have afforded to drop everything and fly down there but chose not to, which I fully understood.
|
|
Anne_in_VA
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:09:35 GMT -5
Posts: 5,547
|
Post by Anne_in_VA on Mar 16, 2016 14:42:44 GMT -5
Yes, I don't speak to my older sister as she is an active alcoholic (at least the last time I spoke with her she was). I got tired of getting a late night phone call only to hear ( in a loud, screechy, drunk voice)' "Hey Anne. How ya doin? ". She would then talk for as long as I let her getting more and more maudlin. I finally stopped taking her calls after telling her she needed to call at a reasonable hour.
|
|
wmpeon
Established Member
Joined: Mar 15, 2011 21:08:24 GMT -5
Posts: 344
|
Post by wmpeon on Mar 16, 2016 18:36:33 GMT -5
These stories are sad. My aunt became estranged from my grandmother and other family members after some sort of argument. I don't even know what the argument was, my mother never took sides and she kept a relationship with her entire family. When my mother passed away, the estranged aunt attended the funeral. Sis and I thanked her for attending and told her we knew our mom would have appreciated her being there (it was the truth). I know it meant a lot to my aunt to hear that from us.
|
|
geenamercile
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:40:28 GMT -5
Posts: 2,535
|
Post by geenamercile on Mar 16, 2016 18:53:22 GMT -5
I have nothing to do with my parents, they are crazy.
|
|
wanttofire
Initiate Member
Joined: Dec 14, 2013 21:04:56 GMT -5
Posts: 55
|
Post by wanttofire on Mar 16, 2016 18:53:35 GMT -5
So many stories of siblings! Helps me not feel bad that my DD will be an only child ?
|
|
|
Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Mar 16, 2016 18:56:25 GMT -5
My mom has been estranged from her sister for over a decade now. Their parents are dead, and they have no other siblings or cousins, so it's not like they would ever run into each other. My brother and I are still in contact with my cousins and my aunt hasn't cut us off completely, but nobody is trying to force a reunion. It's a sad situation, but they both seem happier since cutting off contact.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Mar 16, 2016 18:57:19 GMT -5
So many stories of siblings! Helps me not feel bad that my DD will be an only child ? Nah. I have other siblings I'm close with so that makes up for the one who has issues. That particular situation just can't be helped - - but I communicate with and get together with my other siblings frequently (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, kids' milestones, etc).
|
|
Anne_in_VA
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:09:35 GMT -5
Posts: 5,547
|
Post by Anne_in_VA on Mar 16, 2016 19:56:19 GMT -5
So many stories of siblings! Helps me not feel bad that my DD will be an only child ? Unfortunately I come from a very dysfunctional family. I'm not very close to my other siblings, but that's due to how we were raised. I do still talk with my sister and brother, but not all that often. I've a family of sorts from other people in my life including DH and his family. They've been wonderful to me and I love them.
|
|
Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 14,248
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Mar 16, 2016 20:00:58 GMT -5
I am 75% estranged from my mother. She wants to see my kids, so she attends their major functions. We never really got along well. We stopped getting along in my early 20s. When she chose my ex-husband in our divorce, I was done making an effort at that point. I saw her because she and my dad stayed married even though they separated for a year. They hated each other and she never forgave him for attempting to leave her. Over his hospital death bed, she told me she intended to include my XH in all of y father's services. Fortunately both of my sisters heard her say that or she'd have gotten away with it when she lied to them about saying it.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 28,118
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 16, 2016 21:23:20 GMT -5
Pretty much estranged from my older half-sister. She has always lived in California and away from us. Lived with us for about a year twice when we were growing up. She did my dad wrong. She makes no effort to contact me and I've given up on contacting her.
Somebody calls when a death she needs to know about occurs and her granddaughter called when her husband died. That is the kind of interaction we have.
|
|
lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 6,066
|
Post by lurkyloo on Mar 16, 2016 22:15:43 GMT -5
I go back and forth on whether my mother actually has narcissistic personality disorder or just wound up with the emotional maturity level of a nine year old. I don't suppose it matters much, but I feel like an actual NPD person would be more effective and more subtle at the emotional manipulation? Definitely got the unwarranted arrogance/superiority, self absorption, total lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and instinct to attack viciously at any perceived insult. She's exhausting to deal with under the best of circumstances but then there are the occasional gratuitous and incredibly hurtful actions as well. I decided that a. she will never change or admit fault, b. the energy I put into dealing with these incidents is energy that should be going to DH and DS, c. I'm not myself mentally and emotionally stable enough to deal with the backstabbing and d. I don't want DS growing up thinking that he isn't as good as his cousin or that it's ok to constantly verbally abuse your spouse. I cut ties last fall. I'm not what you'd call happy about having had to do it, but I am relieved and at peace with the decision. Apparently when she found out she went ballistic blaming it all on my father I'm still working on fixing myself from growing up with her as primary role model. It's hard.
|
|
CCL
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 19:34:47 GMT -5
Posts: 7,711
|
Post by CCL on Mar 16, 2016 22:40:49 GMT -5
I go back and forth on whether my mother actually has narcissistic personality disorder or just wound up with the emotional maturity level of a nine year old. I don't suppose it matters much, but I feel like an actual NPD person would be more effective and more subtle at the emotional manipulation? Definitely got the unwarranted arrogance/superiority, self absorption, total lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and instinct to attack viciously at any perceived insult. She's exhausting to deal with under the best of circumstances but then there are the occasional gratuitous and incredibly hurtful actions as well. I decided that a. she will never change or admit fault, b. the energy I put into dealing with these incidents is energy that should be going to DH and DS, c. I'm not myself mentally and emotionally stable enough to deal with the backstabbing and d. I don't want DS growing up thinking that he isn't as good as his cousin or that it's ok to constantly verbally abuse your spouse. I cut ties last fall. I'm not what you'd call happy about having had to do it, but I am relieved and at peace with the decision. Apparently when she found out she went ballistic blaming it all on my father I'm still working on fixing myself from growing up with her as primary role model. It's hard. I think you are right in focusing on your own immediate family, especially DS. Sorry you are going through this.
|
|
lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 6,066
|
Post by lurkyloo on Mar 16, 2016 23:10:42 GMT -5
I go back and forth on whether my mother actually has narcissistic personality disorder or just wound up with the emotional maturity level of a nine year old. I don't suppose it matters much, but I feel like an actual NPD person would be more effective and more subtle at the emotional manipulation? Definitely got the unwarranted arrogance/superiority, self absorption, total lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and instinct to attack viciously at any perceived insult. She's exhausting to deal with under the best of circumstances but then there are the occasional gratuitous and incredibly hurtful actions as well. I decided that a. she will never change or admit fault, b. the energy I put into dealing with these incidents is energy that should be going to DH and DS, c. I'm not myself mentally and emotionally stable enough to deal with the backstabbing and d. I don't want DS growing up thinking that he isn't as good as his cousin or that it's ok to constantly verbally abuse your spouse. I cut ties last fall. I'm not what you'd call happy about having had to do it, but I am relieved and at peace with the decision. Apparently when she found out she went ballistic blaming it all on my father I'm still working on fixing myself from growing up with her as primary role model. It's hard. I think you are right in focusing on your own immediate family, especially DS. Sorry you are going through this. Thanks for the support. I know others have had it much, much worse--in her own way she tried really hard. And being an adult and having distance and perspective (and independence!) makes it a lot easier. I feel sad for her more than I blame her--I think her head is probably a pretty awful place to be--but I can't and won't risk cracking under the strain right now.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 13, 2024 19:25:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2016 7:56:45 GMT -5
So many stories of siblings! Helps me not feel bad that my DD will be an only child ? LOL That's because it's a thread on estrangement. There are siblings that are inseparable too. My Mom and her sisters are retired and are together all the time. Facebook is just a constant stream of photos of their travels together. It makes me a little sad to think that when I'm that age I won't have anyone.
|
|
CCL
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 19:34:47 GMT -5
Posts: 7,711
|
Post by CCL on Mar 17, 2016 8:12:01 GMT -5
So many stories of siblings! Helps me not feel bad that my DD will be an only child ? LOL That's because it's a thread on estrangement. There are siblings that are inseparable too. My Mom and her sisters are retired and are together all the time. Facebook is just a constant stream of photos of their travels together. It makes me a little sad to think that when I'm that age I won't have anyone. I remember reading at one time that the people you actually spend the greatest portion of your life with are your siblings, cradle to grave. I had never thought about it previously, but realized it is true. Usually you don't meet/marry your spouse until 20's or so and lose your parents 20 years or so prior to your own death. I have several siblings and get along with them all, but not particularly close to all of them. Some I really barely know. There are 2 or 3 of us who actually make it a point to get together with each other. The neices and nephews are the ones who usually cause the issues/drama.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 13, 2024 19:25:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2016 8:17:44 GMT -5
LOL That's because it's a thread on estrangement. There are siblings that are inseparable too. My Mom and her sisters are retired and are together all the time. Facebook is just a constant stream of photos of their travels together. It makes me a little sad to think that when I'm that age I won't have anyone. I remember reading at one time that the people you actually spend the greatest portion of your life with are your siblings, cradle to grave. I had never thought about it previously, but realized it is true. Usually you don't meet/marry your spouse until 20's or so and lose your parents 20 years or so prior to your own death. I have several siblings and get along with them all, but not particularly close to all of them. Some I really barely know. There are 2 or 3 of us who actually make it a point to get together with each other. The neices and nephews are the ones who usually cause the issues/drama. My siblings are all steps and halves that I wasn't with my entire life. We all get along, but aren't particularly close, especially since the nearest one is 120 miles away and the rest Florida and Alaska. The past couple years after the loss of my first Aunt I've been trying to make a point of fostering the relationships as best as I can, because I realized how much the generation ahead of me kept the family together and without them we're going to totally drift apart.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 13, 2024 19:25:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2016 8:32:38 GMT -5
DH is estranged from a sister and a daughter. The sister took in their elderly mother when she couldn't live independently but then decided Mom was too much trouble and shipped her off to DH, minus two of her prized possessions (a fur coat and her engagement ring) which had gotten "lost". DH took care of her till she died, including weekly visits to get her hair and nails done, and having someone stop by to stay with her a few hours while he was at work. Sister was convinced DH took all Mom's money and deprived her of an inheritance. I have never met the sister but I can tell you after knowing DH for nearly 20 years he hasn't got a dishonest bone in his body and I trust him enough that he's a co-borrower on 3 credit cards in my name. Anyway, they did exchange a few reconciliatory letters a few years back (DH initiated) but then she stopped responding. We don't even know if she's alive. His DD has had severe asthma her whole life; DH went into hock and shopped doctors till he found one that wasn't resigned to letting her die peacefully or treating her with steroids. One year their medical expenses were more than he made. She spent a lot of time in hospitals. She's brilliant and gorgeous but DH thinks that maybe she never learned to form lasting bonds with people because of what she went through as a child. We all had great conversations at the wedding of my stepson (her brother) and then she went back to ignoring DH's attempts to contact her. We hear news of her through her brother. The good news is that I have a pretty large extended family and they immediately embraced DH. I'd been married before to a guy who was mean and alcoholic and they could see that DH was loving and supportive and a great influence on DS. To top it off, at one point Dad found out that DH could scan slides and make electronic versions and handed over a carton of slides from the 1950s through the 1970s. It's been a multi-year project but DH has unearthed hundreds of old family photos that would have been lost and they've brought so much joy to the family- including cousins, nieces and nephews who love seeing their parents as children. I've done 3 slideshows from them and am working on one for my mother's 85th now. So DH has a loving family after all.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,103
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 17, 2016 8:38:25 GMT -5
I was estranged from my brother for about a year or two. Then he moved to Colorado away and our relationship has improved greatly.
I just can't deal with the bat shit crazy being in my face all the time and watching the co-dependent dance between him and my parents.
With him in Colorado I don't have to deal with it and I can always block his posts on facebook.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,622
|
Post by swamp on Mar 17, 2016 8:43:40 GMT -5
No estrangements here. We're boring.
I have some cousins I don't really have a relationship with, but it's just because we don't have anything in common. If I see them, we're amicable.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,700
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Mar 17, 2016 8:44:51 GMT -5
My mom and dad were normal people, but crazy danced on both sides of their family. I have family on both sides I do not deal with. Dad's side has liars and thieves. Mom's side is just plain batshit and bonkers. Sometimes, people make decisions that make them lonely and that's how they choose to live. You cannot fix those things. You can certainly reach out from time to time, check their level of sanity and if nothing has changed, you let it be.
|
|
Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 19,629
|
Post by Green Eyed Lady on Mar 17, 2016 8:46:03 GMT -5
I probably won't have much contact with my brother after my mother is gone but until that time, it's business as usual as it would break her heart. He may grow up by that time but I'm not holding my breath.
|
|
Tiny
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 21:22:34 GMT -5
Posts: 13,494
|
Post by Tiny on Mar 17, 2016 9:29:21 GMT -5
No estrangements in my immediate family - but I don't really talk to my family on a regular basis - mostly because we just don't have all that much in common... it would be a lot of small talk which I think would be more awkward than not call to 'chat'. My siblings are much older than I am - we don't really have many 'shared' memories of our youth...
There were feuds/estrangements with my cousins families (but most of 1st cousins are dead) the 2nd cousins also have some estrangements/feuds as well... from what I can tell they are just down right mean and vindictive/vengeful towards each other at this point - so it's best they don't meet. Not sure what started it all, but I do know the awfulness escalates at every opportunity. It's like they are trying to 'prove' who's the winner by outdoing the others.
I have a friend who estranged herself from her family (she's a drama queen and she avoids her family because of feeling insulted/humiliated/disrespected by them - they didn't live up to her standards of behavior. )
I have heard from a couple of other friends that they too have relatives they don't talk to - mostly because the relative is more trouble than anything else: always asking for money because of drugs/alcohol for example.
The first two estrangements definitely seem to cause a lot of emotional/mental stress - my cousins seem to have a lot of anger/upset that eats at them (both sides suffer). My friend is VERY bitter/angry/unhappy on a daily basis that she doesn't have "any family"... I suspect her family thinks she's batshit crazy and only feel 'feel bad' about it on Thanksgiving/Christmas or when someone dies - those times when you think about family.
The other's seem more sad or disappointed? about the relationship with their relative that doesn't have their life together.
I think some 'estrangements' have a somewhat sunny side - mostly the last one kind where 'bad influence' or 'danger to one's well being' is the reason -- since the estrangement lets someone live a relatively normal life. Other than that, they seem like a lot of work.
|
|
janee
Established Member
Joined: May 14, 2014 10:04:48 GMT -5
Posts: 344
|
Post by janee on Mar 17, 2016 10:33:43 GMT -5
I go back and forth on whether my mother actually has narcissistic personality disorder or just wound up with the emotional maturity level of a nine year old. I don't suppose it matters much, but I feel like an actual NPD person would be more effective and more subtle at the emotional manipulation? Definitely got the unwarranted arrogance/superiority, self absorption, total lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and instinct to attack viciously at any perceived insult. She's exhausting to deal with under the best of circumstances but then there are the occasional gratuitous and incredibly hurtful actions as well. I decided that a. she will never change or admit fault, b. the energy I put into dealing with these incidents is energy that should be going to DH and DS, c. I'm not myself mentally and emotionally stable enough to deal with the backstabbing and d. I don't want DS growing up thinking that he isn't as good as his cousin or that it's ok to constantly verbally abuse your spouse. I cut ties last fall. I'm not what you'd call happy about having had to do it, but I am relieved and at peace with the decision. Apparently when she found out she went ballistic blaming it all on my father I'm still working on fixing myself from growing up with her as primary role model. It's hard. You are describing my mother too. I think she is also bipolar. She has cut me off (which makes the situation slightly easier, less guilt) after my sister, brother, and I helped my Dad during his illness and their subsequent divorce. She told me if I was on fire, she wouldn't spit on me. Incredibly painful. It's been 8 years and if she needed help (she's 81), I would be there but it would be very hard. Nothing is easy with her.
|
|