Geeh.... unrealistic much?

[Deleted]

My wife's cousin that got married last October is pregnant and will be giving birth this coming June-July (YEAH!)

Anyway, her husband has been unemployed for over 2 years so I am guessing it makes sense that he would be the stay at home parent.

They called us last night to know if my mom could refer someone to them, or my wife's friend old nanny. They are looking into hiring a part time nanny or cook since they feel he wouldn't be able to handle it all with the baby.

Side note: my parents were both working full time when my siblings were born (now 9 and 7) and same for my wife friend (she is still using her nanny ssince her son is only 2 so that was a no no).

I wanted to go: Are you f*cking kidding me?

I am not going to say that taking care of a kid is not a full time job but seriously?
I get you want a clean house but expect that instead of cleaning every day it will be every 2-4 days.
Or laundry getting done on the weekends or evenings when the other spouse is there to take over.

I mean how does stay at home wives do it all over the country? Or stay at home dads? Because he is a guy they figure he would extra help around the house. Put your freaking grown man pants back on and take care of business.

But why do I care, it's not my money

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

I was a SAH father in the mid-80s. I had three kids under the age of 6.
It was pretty easy. I would not consider it work at all.
Taking care of the house, cleaning, getting meals ready, laundry, bills paid, oldest off to school, middle one off to nursery school,, etc., simple stuff.
I highly recommend to all fathers to try it. I had a great time with my kids.

[cronewitch]

He may not own any grown man pants. What has he done the two years he has been unemployed? If he has cooked and cleaned as well as taken care of the chores a working man would like lawn care he should be able to add a baby. If he expected his working wife to come home and cook and clean, grocery shop, do laundry and all the housewife chores then he is pretty worthless already. If you ask a worthless househusband to add a child the wife will be doing everything except 40 hours of childcare. She will be expected to take over the child care nights and weekends as well as do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and even picking out the mother's day card for his mother.

Some men really are that worthless so watching a baby with no cooking, cleaning or anything 40 hours a week is considered full time.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Some men really are that worthless so watching a baby with no cooking, cleaning or anything 40 hours a week is considered full time.

It is very interesting that women lack the intellect to make intelligent choices in men.
It is pretty common in US society.

[achelois]

You have to realize, chuckie, that there are few men such as yourself in our society.

We women often just have to make do.

[oreo]

He should be able to handle a newborn baby for several months before he has any real issues. I mean a newborn doesn't GO anywhere and sleeps a lot. When the baby starts to walk, THAT is when you start to have more issues!

[vickysf]

I'll be the first to admit that my husband and I kept our bi-weekly housecleaner when our kids were born and I was on maternity leave, but that was a luxury that we decided we could afford. Had one of us been unemployed, the housecleaner would've been the first thing to go.

[reader79]

I was trying to figure out why he would knock up his wife when he is unemployed, but I just figure it was to make himself feel like a man. He should have a plan to find a job by the time she gives birth - not on spending her money on a freakin' nanny.

[Deleted]

If he's able to take care of things now they should wait until they figure out what their budget and their needs are after the baby is born. A lot of things just depend on the baby.

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2011 12:32:32 GMT -5 vickysf said:

I'll be the first to admit that my husband and I kept our bi-weekly housecleaner when our kids were born and I was on maternity leave, but that was a luxury that we decided we could afford. Had one of us been unemployed, the housecleaner would've been the first thing to go.

Like I said, if you are both working some expenditures makes sense since you do want to spend some time together as a family when you come off work.

My parents and my wife's friend it was a nanny that also cleaned and cooked for them (paid extra for that) from time to time.
The cousin that has 3 boys, she uses her mom and a housecleaner that comes 1-2 a week.

If we do have a kid in the next 2-3 years as we plan we will need to consider between daycare/mother in law or nanny to helps us out.

I don't expect anyone to be supermom or superdad and do it all (I know some have been able to do it in the past) and if you can afford it why not.

But with a parent that has been unemployed for more than 2 years and a baby, why? And unless for some reason social workers started getting paid mega bucks, I doubt they can really afford it (she is a social worker for a hospital in NYC).

[bobbysgirl]

Mar 16, 2011 12:15:43 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

Some men really are that worthless so watching a baby with no cooking, cleaning or anything 40 hours a week is considered full time.

It is very interesting that women lack the intellect to make intelligent choices in men.
It is pretty common in US society.

Could this be because the gene pool has been diminished?

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2011 12:25:53 GMT -5 achelois said:

You have to realize, chuckie, that there are few men such as yourself in our society.

We women often just have to make do.

You are getting so much karma when I re-energise!

[Urban Chicago]

We are trying to move to this scenario right now. I have a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. I work 2 days a week, and I do still take care of the chores. We're trying to switch roles so DH gets to be with the kids more while they are still young.

When my oldest was born, we did have an every other week housekeeper for about 6 months. I loved that, but it really wasn't necessary.

Another option is to let the standards slack a little bit. I mean, is it really crucial that the bathroom gets scrubbed every day instead of every week?

[whoisjohngalt]

It was pretty easy. I would not consider it work at all.

You are officially invited to my house in August when I will have 3, with the oldest being 3 yrs old.

You can teach me the wisdom of your ways. But if not, you are more than welcome to clean, cook and do shopping.

Lena

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

You are officially invited to my house in August when I will have 3, with the oldest being 3 yrs old.

Then you can meet and talk with my Russian girlfriend. Of course the entire conversation would obviously be about how great I am.
You both will be conversing in Russian and laughing and giggleing.

[Angel!]

It is very interesting that women lack the intellect to make intelligent choices in men.
It is pretty common in US society.

I would argue that there is a lack of good men out there. For some reason men as a group seem to have become lazy & let the women take care of them. If you want the marriage & kids that we were all raised to want (for the most part), then at a certain point you have to settle for the best that you can find. Unfortunately, that usually ends poorly for obvious reasons.

Or maybe I am just jaded.

[illinicheme]

Mar 16, 2011 13:29:31 GMT -5 Urban Chicago said:

Another option is to let the standards slack a little bit. I mean, is it really crucial that the bathroom gets scrubbed every day instead of every week?

We have a housekeeper because otherwise our standards are so lax that the bathroom never gets scrubbed! ;D

[Deleted]

OP, I'm still waiting for an explanation as to why my SIL sends her kids to daycare when her husband hasn't been fully employed for YEARS! Oh, but he needs the days free to work out and "look for jobs". BULL-@#$%!!!!!

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

I would argue that there is a lack of good men out there. For some reason men as a group seem to have become lazy & let the women take care of them

I would argue that men these days avoid marriage because it has been so bastardized over the last 40 years. Historically it has always been a bad deal for men, and today, even after nearly 50 years of women's liberation and equal rights, etc., marriage has transmogrified into a much worse situation.

Considering the fact that women initiate divorce 75% of the time, and mostly because they "still love the guy" but are "not in love with him"...is it any wonder why men seek to avoid quagmires such as this.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I wanted to go: Are you f*cking kidding me? ":::...

cawiau, is this the wife's cousin/couple where the woman is an attorney making $200k+ or is this someone different. In either case, you didn't mention whether or not financially they could afford the nanny. That would certainly make a difference in my opinion.

...:::"I get you want a clean house but expect that instead of cleaning every day it will be every 2-4 days.":::...

Some people do have very unrealistic expectations of how much they can handle while a newborn is in the house. Some people think they can still spend like DINKs, but fail to realize how much money a kid can cost. Others think that they will still be able to keep the house "white glove" clean, or that they won't have to miss their weekly book clubs, or whatever.

Then you have the kid, and realize that even getting 15 minutes to take a damn SHOWER becomes a luxury. And by the way, that 15 mins is your relaxation time for the day.

So maybe this couple is pre-recognizing that maintaining certain standards is more important, than saving money, and are planning measures to do so.

As an aside, its going to be interesting to see what happens when she gets home from work. She'll have worked all day, but he'll have cared for the kid all day. I hope they can reach an arrangement where they each still get some relaxation time. Perhaps a nanny is part of the deal.

[Deleted]

If they can afford it go for it. Every new parent should have such a luxury. My ex SD managed to work out an arrangement where a friend on disability became her nanny. Practically live in. They did not pay the friend but the old adage you get what you pay for applies here.

[whoisjohngalt]

I would argue that there is a lack of good men out there. For some reason men as a group seem to have become lazy & let the women take care of them.

Men have not become lazy, they became very very confused. This whole "we women, hear us roar, we can do anything and do it better", but at the same time you, men, have to do everything you have always done, while letting us do what we want, bc "we women...."

When men knew their place in society, they knew what to do with it. If I were them, I would probably become lazy too. Heck, if I was getting so many mixed signals, I would just throw my hands up in the air and say "oh well, you want it, you got it"

Lena

[kdamron]

Considering the fact that women initiate divorce 75% of the time, and mostly because they "still love the guy" but are "not in love with him"...is it any wonder why men seek to avoid quagmires such as this.

No offense SF, but I initiated my divorce at the request of my (now) ex-husband. There are a million stories behind stats like these and I wouldn't presume to know all of them.

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2011 14:22:40 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"I wanted to go: Are you f*cking kidding me? ":::...

cawiau, is this the wife's cousin/couple where the woman is an attorney making $200k+ or is this someone different. In either case, you didn't mention whether or not financially they could afford the nanny. That would certainly make a difference in my opinion.

No that is not the lawyer cousin: her she uses her mom as nanny and pays her $500/week and have a house cleaner comes 1-2 times a week.

Her cousin is the one that married last October and her mom took the 40K or so loan to pay for it.
The one that the mom had to co-sign for them to be able to buy their house at about 400K (looked it up on zillow).
The one that have a leased Range Rover and Mercedes (she drives the mercedes and he drives the Range Rover)
Last the one that have her mom's living with them and helping out with the bills.

She has a good education: Bachelor at NYU, Masters in Social Science at Columbia and was going to Law School at St John's when she found she was pregnant and it was becoming to much. So she dropped out after the last semester.

She works full time as a Social worker for a Hospital in NYC so I am guessing and I might be wrong that she is making between 50-70K; but with only being 25 and less than 2 years in the work force I doubt she is getting paid much more.

And based on the house, 2 leased cars, mom living with them / helping with the expenses, husband being unemployed for over 2 years... I doubt they can afford a nanny / house cleaner.

But again, what to I know

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Maybe like Urban said her(or his) standards are too high? Maybe they feel that a housekeeper is better because the house will be maintained to her (or his) standards and they'll be able to have more time with the baby, each other and be less stressed?

There are lots of reasons besides him being lazy that they might want a housekeeper. I doubt they feel they need to share their reason with the OP so he can decide if their expenditure is worth the money at this time.

Then everyone makes mistakes, maybe they feel this way now about the nanny but when they actually hire her they will realize it isn't worth the money.

I haven't spent money on a nanny, but god knows I've fallen into the trap of thinking I "need" something for the baby only to find out afterwards that I didn't.

It's their life and their decision. I don't see any indication that he is a worthless POS just because they are thinking about a nanny.

Finanically naive/stupid? Maybe. Probably.

But a worthless lazy excuse for a husband and future father?

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2011 14:48:36 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

It's their life and their decision. I don't see any indication that he is a worthless POS just because they are thinking about a nanny.

Finanically naive/stupid? Maybe. Probably.

But a worthless lazy excuse for a husband and future father?

He crossed that line when he was asked if he was looking for work and he said yes but and I quote:

"I am waiting for my dream job. I am not willing to take any job just because and have to change jobs when my dream job comes up,

And how do I explain my reason for leaving the other job at the interview?"

That is well and dandy but when you have a mortgage, a pregnant wife, 2 lease cars you can no longer afford to wait for your dream job; you take the first job that comes available to you.

But then again, they might have a nice sum of money stashed somewhere that we do not know about.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

None of that was in your first post, which is what I was responding to.

Yes, that changes things.

[Deleted]

Cawiau you are right. That boy needs to grow up.

[Plain Old Petunia]

Mar 16, 2011 14:11:09 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

Considering the fact that women initiate divorce 75% of the time, and mostly because they "still love the guy" but are "not in love with him"...is it any wonder why men seek to avoid quagmires such as this.

How long have you been compiling these statistics and conducting these exit interviews?

[Plain Old Petunia]

Mar 16, 2011 14:11:09 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

Considering the fact that women initiate divorce 75% of the time, and mostly because they "still love the guy" but are "not in love with him"...is it any wonder why men seek to avoid quagmires such as this.

How long have you been compiling these statistics and conducting these exit interviews?