Self Confidence at Work

[moneymaven]

I have a large staff (30+ reports) of very capable people. We're too large and too fast moving as an organization for me to carry dead weight staff. I like people who are confident, curious, self-directed and team oriented. Yes, I know that's asking for a lot! We have, however, been successful at recruiting and retaining such people. I have one particular employee who severely lacks confidence. She joined the company about a year ago after 15 years with another company in the same role, but she had experienced several promotions. She is (mostly) competent and experienced. We had some large issues come about on some accounts and I pulled her off of the accounts. Some other things also transpired so I've since put her on a performance plan. While most employers use this to terminate someone, I don't. It's a way for me to provide direct feedback and set standards for improvement. I then fully engage with this person to help them along and provide tools or resources for them to meet those standards. The issue that I am concerned with us that her self confidence has always been low. This is feedback from others who have known her a long time. When we work on things, she is immediately defensive and shuts down in anger, then leaves my office sobbing. It's an ongoing pattern. Other people (who don't work closely with her or have history with her) perceive her to be arrogant and rude. To me, it's a bizarre manifestation of her confidence issue. I realize I can only do so much to help her feel confident in her job, but how do I address this overall? I think this issue is specifically her biggest hindrance to developing and improving.

I really can't empathize with the lack of confidence on the job. I am certain of my abilities and I work well under pressure. All the circumstances that trip her up are circumstances which I thrive under. That inherently makes it difficult for me to understand her feelings and help her move beyond it. Is this a lost cause? Do you feel this way at work, or manage people who feel this way?

[happyhoix]

It sounds like you have a polar opposite personality from this woman. She sounds introverted, and it seems like you're an extrovert and need an extroverted person for this job.

She would probably do better not working on a team. Is there a position she could do that would allow her to do most of her work alone? She could end up being one of your most valuable people if you find the right niche for her to fill.

It's not possible for an introvert to learn to be an extravert. It is possible for introverted people to learn to fake an outgoing, team oriented personality for work purposes (I do) but this woman has been in the working world for a while and doesn't seem like she's picked up on how to do that.

Do you have an HR department? Do they offer any kind of coaching? There are some training programs that teach people how to interact successfully as part of a team, those might help her. Or HR may be able to find her another position within the company that could use the knowledge and skills she has, and where being an extraverted team player isn't a job requirement.

[gregintenn]

Tell her she isn't a fit for your company and let her go. You won't change something that engrained within a person.

[moneymaven]

Feb 5, 2016 8:27:50 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

It sounds like you have a polar opposite personality from this woman. She sounds introverted, and it seems like you're an extrovert and need an extroverted person for this job.

She would probably do better not working on a team. Is there a position she could do that would allow her to do most of her work alone? She could end up being one of your most valuable people if you find the right niche for her to fill.

It's not possible for an introvert to learn to be an extravert. It is possible for introverted people to learn to fake an outgoing, team oriented personality for work purposes (I do) but this woman has been in the working world for a while and doesn't seem like she's picked up on how to do that.

Do you have an HR department? Do they offer any kind of coaching? There are some training programs that teach people how to interact successfully as part of a team, those might help her. Or HR may be able to find her another position within the company that could use the knowledge and skills she has, and where being an extraverted team player isn't a job requirement.

I wouldn't say polar opposites. She's highly social. Sometimes too social during the workday and it affects her work. I've worked with HR. We do personality profiles, leadership training, emotional intelligence development etc. We are very engaged on those aspects. Yes, I could put her in another role but I'd have to reduce her salary significantly. I don't think anyone would want that which is why we're working to try to improve this situation as it is today.

[swamp]

Feb 5, 2016 8:09:05 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I have a large staff (30+ reports) of very capable people. We're too large and too fast moving as an organization for me to carry dead weight staff. I like people who are confident, curious, self-directed and team oriented. Yes, I know that's asking for a lot! We have, however, been successful at recruiting and retaining such people. I have one particular employee who severely lacks confidence. She joined the company about a year ago after 15 years with another company in the same role, but she had experienced several promotions. She is (mostly) competent and experienced. We had some large issues come about on some accounts and I pulled her off of the accounts. Some other things also transpired so I've since put her on a performance plan. While most employers use this to terminate someone, I don't. It's a way for me to provide direct feedback and set standards for improvement. I then fully engage with this person to help them along and provide tools or resources for them to meet those standards. The issue that I am concerned with us that her self confidence has always been low. This is feedback from others who have known her a long time. When we work on things, she is immediately defensive and shuts down in anger, then leaves my office sobbing. It's an ongoing pattern. Other people (who don't work closely with her or have history with her) perceive her to be arrogant and rude. To me, it's a bizarre manifestation of her confidence issue. I realize I can only do so much to help her feel confident in her job, but how do I address this overall? I think this issue is specifically her biggest hindrance to developing and improving.

I really can't empathize with the lack of confidence on the job. I am certain of my abilities and I work well under pressure. All the circumstances that trip her up are circumstances which I thrive under. That inherently makes it difficult for me to understand her feelings and help her move beyond it. Is this a lost cause? Do you feel this way at work, or manage people who feel this way?

There is something else going on other than her confidence level.

My opinion, which is worth nothing:  Confidence isn't everything.   I find people who are very confident are often full of shit, you can't tell them they are wrong, and don't research adequately.   

[moneymaven]

Feb 5, 2016 8:31:49 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

I had one that's kind of like this.  In her normal duties she is a worker bee and very confident in her abilities.  Once outside of that comfort zone she becomes completely overwhelmed.   

I started working with her on this as soon as I started with the team and she's made a lot of improvements.   So a couple of things that I did with her is to A.  modify my approach with her B. Give her skills to manage her emotions better and C. built her confidence

A.  She's not the type you can toss things at and expect her to run with it.   Totally frustrating for me because she's fully capable of doing it,  but she stops herself.   Now when something new or different comes up.  I give her a heads up before we dive fully into the discussion.   So I'll send her an email that says.  "Oh by the way next time we talk remind me to talk about the 'widget project' that's coming your way"  For some reason her just knowing something is coming helps her process it. Then when we talk I can present it and she's much more receptive.

B.  I've sent her to classes about managing her emotions (she suggested them) and we've talked about tools that she can use when she starts to feel overwhelmed (again it's really confidence).   With her she gets really worked up about things,  then it blows out proportion in her head.   We've talked about things she can do to head that off at the pass. 

C. A lot of feedback and positive reinforcement and in some cases calling her out when something happens (I refuse to treat adults with kid gloves).  

I can honestly say if she wasn't as good at her job as she is,  I'm not sure how much I would have worked with her.  But she is definitely worth the time and effort, especially since going in she recognized that it was something she has to work on. 

ETA: I can give more specifics if you need them. 

This is very helpful Sroo. How were the emotional classes received?

[moneymaven]

Swamp, yes there is more on a personal level happening. At work, it's the confidence. She was in a very toxic management environment previously that managed through a culture of fear and intimidation. I had to remind her multiple times over the first few months that she didn't have to tell or ask me to go to the bathroom or lunch.

[whoisjohngalt]

This is why I don't think I could be a good manager/leader.  I have no skills to be someone's self-esteem builder. 

This employee sounds like a "Dr Phil special" waiting to happen.  I hope you get good advise on how to deal with her!

[moneymaven]

I also think there's a large degree of laziness. She doesn't want to actually do the work many days or work to the standard I expect. She wants others to give her the answer instead of doing research, asking questions, etc. When I challenge her on that, she breaks down.

[swamp]

Feb 5, 2016 8:38:28 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Feb 5, 2016 8:36:31 GMT -5 swamp said:

There is something else going on other than her confidence level.

My opinion, which is worth nothing:  Confidence isn't everything.   I find people who are very confident are often full of shit, you can't tell them they are wrong, and don't research adequately.   

This is a good point.  I would almost classify this as arrogance especially with the further information that she is very social.   That is a whole 'nother approach which I've found to be less fixable. 

I've found arrogance can only be fixed with a big helping of humble pie. Usually served in the form of a pink slip.

[moneymaven]

Feb 5, 2016 8:44:57 GMT -5 swamp said:

Feb 5, 2016 8:38:28 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

This is a good point.  I would almost classify this as arrogance especially with the further information that she is very social.   That is a whole 'nother approach which I've found to be less fixable. 

I've found arrogance can only be fixed with a big helping of humble pie. Usually served in the form of a pink slip.

I think you're right and I'm prepared to do that. I take commitment to my staff very seriously and want to exhaust at least a few options before reaching that conclusion.

[Lizard Queen]

Feb 5, 2016 8:44:48 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Feb 5, 2016 8:36:49 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

This is very helpful Sroo. How were the emotional classes received?

Key point,  she suggested them, so she was very receptive.  We talked about them after she attended and she said that she picked up a few things (which is usually all you can expect from these types of seminars).   I think she has taken some of the the things that she's learned and put them into practice.   She's more willing to tell me know when she's feeling overwhelmed and giving us a chance to work through them vs. the old days where she would shut down (usually with tears).   

In the cases where I've had to coach on something that wasn't right,  she still shuts down and wants to end the conversation.   I usually push a bit farther than she'd like,  then end it, then follow up at a later time after she's calmed down.   I do it this way for two reasons.  First I think that she needs to get used to being in uncomfortable positions and deal with them,  then the follow up is to actually do the coaching on what ever went wrong so that it can be avoided in the future.   

Wow, I am impressed. You've got some skillz!

[973beachbum]

Feb 5, 2016 8:44:48 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Feb 5, 2016 8:36:49 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

This is very helpful Sroo. How were the emotional classes received?

Key point,  she suggested them, so she was very receptive.  We talked about them after she attended and she said that she picked up a few things (which is usually all you can expect from these types of seminars).   I think she has taken some of the the things that she's learned and put them into practice.   She's more willing to tell me know when she's feeling overwhelmed and giving us a chance to work through them vs. the old days where she would shut down (usually with tears).   

In the cases where I've had to coach on something that wasn't right,  she still shuts down and wants to end the conversation.   I usually push a bit farther than she'd like,  then end it, then follow up at a later time after she's calmed down.   I do it this way for two reasons.  First I think that she needs to get used to being in uncomfortable positions and deal with them,  then the follow up is to actually do the coaching on what ever went wrong so that it can be avoided in the future.   

I know this isn't what people want to hear but what you are describing is exactly what my son, who is 12 btw, is like because he has ADHD and OCD. 

The crying thing has to do with his body's response to stress.  He is highly social but not usually in a way that most would find usual.  So someone walks right up and asks him a point blank question he normally can't answer it right away.  Not because he doesn't know the answer but because he can't get it out like that.  So in his frustration he starts to cry or get angry.  I have asked many times if he is sad or upset and he will tell me quite clearly he isn't sad and the crying is just something he does that has nothing to do with his actual feelings.

The problem with this IME is most people only think about disabilities like this when they can see them.  he really can't move any faster on things no matter how hard he tries.  But somehow because he is smart he has teachers who get mad because in their mind if he "tried hard enough" he could do it, whatever it is, as well as them.  The problem is he can do it as well as them probably.  What he can't do is do it exactly the same way they do. 

He has OCD and takes a crazy long time to start doing things.  My guess is he has to go though a long list of things before actually starting.  All saying something like hurry up or why didn't you do blank already does is make him have to go back to the beginning and start over which takes even longer.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

How long as she been with you?  16 years of needing to ask to go to the bathroom is a hell of a habit that needs to be broken, and it is probably not going to happen immediately.

How old is she?  Were those 16 years at her first professional job?

My first job out of college was a RPOS.  I left after a year, but even in so short a time, that job did a damn good job of knocking any sort of confidence out of me.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Feb 5, 2016 9:58:18 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

16 years of needing to ask to go to the bathroom is a hell of a habit that needs to be broken, and it is probably not going to happen immediately.

 

I spent only four months in a position where I couldn't go to the bathroom as I pleased, talk to anyone without approval from my supervisors or do anything really without them hovering over me.

It's taken me three months to get comfortable with being allowed independence again.  Which is crazy when you consider how independent I was in the position before that.


She doesn't want to actually do the work many days or work to the standard I expect. She wants others to give her the answer instead of doing research, asking questions, etc. When I challenge her on that, she breaks down.

This isn't a confidence problem.  

[moneymaven]

Feb 5, 2016 9:50:35 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

Feb 5, 2016 8:44:48 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Key point,  she suggested them, so she was very receptive.  We talked about them after she attended and she said that she picked up a few things (which is usually all you can expect from these types of seminars).   I think she has taken some of the the things that she's learned and put them into practice.   She's more willing to tell me know when she's feeling overwhelmed and giving us a chance to work through them vs. the old days where she would shut down (usually with tears).   

In the cases where I've had to coach on something that wasn't right,  she still shuts down and wants to end the conversation.   I usually push a bit farther than she'd like,  then end it, then follow up at a later time after she's calmed down.   I do it this way for two reasons.  First I think that she needs to get used to being in uncomfortable positions and deal with them,  then the follow up is to actually do the coaching on what ever went wrong so that it can be avoided in the future.   

I know this isn't what people want to hear but what you are describing is exactly what my son, who is 12 btw, is like because he has ADHD and OCD. 

The crying thing has to do with his body's response to stress.  He is highly social but not usually in a way that most would find usual.  So someone walks right up and asks him a point blank question he normally can't answer it right away.  Not because he doesn't know the answer but because he can't get it out like that.  So in his frustration he starts to cry or get angry.  I have asked many times if he is sad or upset and he will tell me quite clearly he isn't sad and the crying is just something he does that has nothing to do with his actual feelings.

The problem with this IME is most people only think about disabilities like this when they can see them.  he really can't move any faster on things no matter how hard he tries.  But somehow because he is smart he has teachers who get mad because in their mind if he "tried hard enough" he could do it, whatever it is, as well as them.  The problem is he can do it as well as them probably.  What he can't do is do it exactly the same way they do. 

He has OCD and takes a crazy long time to start doing things.  My guess is he has to go though a long list of things before actually starting.  All saying something like hurry up or why didn't you do blank already does is make him have to go back to the beginning and start over which takes even longer.

I tend to think there is a disability at play here. Unfortunately, as an employer, I can't work from that place until the employee invokes ADA and follows the law for documentarian, requests for accommodation, etc.

[flamingo]

I have a coworker similar to this. Not someone I manage, but part of my team and I watch my boss manage her, as well as strategize with my boss on ways to communicate with her that won't have her shutting down and getting defensive immediately. As her position works closely with my office on many things that are time sensitive, important, and critical to our operations, it's highly frustrating for me.

Some of the things we've done:

We are very direct with her. "I need A, B, and C from you by this date. Yes, I know you have other tasks, but this is critical for me to have. I will follow up in 3 days (2 days before deadline) with you to make sure you are moving forward okay and see if you need anything from me." Then I follow up as stated. I also try to anticipate ANY question/information she might need. Some people are good at asking questions; she's not. She thinks she knows it all because she's been in the business for 13 years (with our company for 1). She doesn't, and she still screws things up. Just this week, I asked her very specifically to get me a select group of people (let's call them Apples). Instead of bringing me Apples, she brings me Grapefruits and says, well, I brought these instead because in my experience that's what you really need, so I read between the lines and brought what you would really need. Well, no, your experience is not the same as mine, and there is a reason I needed Apples, so take your Grapefruits back and get me Apples.

We also follow up immediately and directly. In the above example: Thanks for grapefruits, but please tell them they are not needed. I need 3 Apples for my project, and I need them by Monday. Please give me the names of the Apples you've secured by Friday at 2pm so I can follow up with them and give them instructions for what I need them to do on Monday. I asked for Apples for a reason, and my understanding of our meeting earlier this week was that I asked for Apples. If I was unclear in my instructions, in the future, make sure you ask clarifying questions. If you are still unclear as to what I need please let me know."

Our boss also meets with her weekly and us together weekly. She immediately calls out her behavior in these meetings. Then coaches her on she could have handled the situation better. But she still is defensive and in tears almost every time. And, while the boss calls her out, she's not mean and harsh about it. Just direct and very "let's figure out how to not do this again" type of attitude.

The problem is that it only helps for a short time. 2-3 weeks max. Then she slips back into her crappy behavior. She says she had shitty managers in her previous jobs who "shook her confidence". But, i really think it's the opposite. She doesn't lack confidence, she is OVER confident in her abilities and really believes she can't be fired. 

Good luck! These situations suck.

[moneymaven]

Feb 5, 2016 10:30:24 GMT -5 flamingo said:

I have a coworker similar to this. Not someone I manage, but part of my team and I watch my boss manage her, as well as strategize with my boss on ways to communicate with her that won't have her shutting down and getting defensive immediately. As her position works closely with my office on many things that are time sensitive, important, and critical to our operations, it's highly frustrating for me.

Some of the things we've done:

We are very direct with her. "I need A, B, and C from you by this date. Yes, I know you have other tasks, but this is critical for me to have. I will follow up in 3 days (2 days before deadline) with you to make sure you are moving forward okay and see if you need anything from me." Then I follow up as stated. I also try to anticipate ANY question/information she might need. Some people are good at asking questions; she's not. She thinks she knows it all because she's been in the business for 13 years (with our company for 1). She doesn't, and she still screws things up. Just this week, I asked her very specifically to get me a select group of people (let's call them Apples). Instead of bringing me Apples, she brings me Grapefruits and says, well, I brought these instead because in my experience that's what you really need, so I read between the lines and brought what you would really need. Well, no, your experience is not the same as mine, and there is a reason I needed Apples, so take your Grapefruits back and get me Apples.

We also follow up immediately and directly. In the above example: Thanks for grapefruits, but please tell them they are not needed. I need 3 Apples for my project, and I need them by Monday. Please give me the names of the Apples you've secured by Friday at 2pm so I can follow up with them and give them instructions for what I need them to do on Monday. I asked for Apples for a reason, and my understanding of our meeting earlier this week was that I asked for Apples. If I was unclear in my instructions, in the future, make sure you ask clarifying questions. If you are still unclear as to what I need please let me know."

Our boss also meets with her weekly and us together weekly. She immediately calls out her behavior in these meetings. Then coaches her on she could have handled the situation better. But she still is defensive and in tears almost every time. And, while the boss calls her out, she's not mean and harsh about it. Just direct and very "let's figure out how to not do this again" type of attitude.

The problem is that it only helps for a short time. 2-3 weeks max. Then she slips back into her crappy behavior. She says she had shitty managers in her previous jobs who "shook her confidence". But, i really think it's the opposite. She doesn't lack confidence, she is OVER confident in her abilities and really believes she can't be fired. 

Good luck! These situations suck.

This is highly aligned with what's happening here. I think you hit the nail on the head. Thank you! I also think the boss is awesome for being patient and working through this for so long. I, however, am not so benevolent. If there isn't immediate and sustained improvement, she's getting terminated. It's impacting clients and other team members and I don't have time to coach to this level on a daily basis for such an experienced person. I'd rather invest that time with employees who are receptive to feedback and development.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm having a hard time believing these are confidence issues.

I have confidence issues but I have no problems getting my work done correctly and on time.  I also do not burst into tears at every correction/negative feedback and can work with others.

Confidence issues at least for me are I have a hard time believing I did things right until told otherwise.  In some ways this isn't a bad thing b/c human error is one of the first things I should look for if an experiment goes wrong.   However I can go days/weeks without any feedback so it can be hard to judge my performance.

I fixed that here by asking for feedback right away if possible since I am still learning.  I tell them to let me have it so that way I can learn to troubleshoot in the future.

So far no complaints.

[flamingo]

Feb 5, 2016 11:00:13 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Feb 5, 2016 10:30:24 GMT -5 flamingo said:

I have a coworker similar to this. Not someone I manage, but part of my team and I watch my boss manage her, as well as strategize with my boss on ways to communicate with her that won't have her shutting down and getting defensive immediately. As her position works closely with my office on many things that are time sensitive, important, and critical to our operations, it's highly frustrating for me.

Some of the things we've done:

We are very direct with her. "I need A, B, and C from you by this date. Yes, I know you have other tasks, but this is critical for me to have. I will follow up in 3 days (2 days before deadline) with you to make sure you are moving forward okay and see if you need anything from me." Then I follow up as stated. I also try to anticipate ANY question/information she might need. Some people are good at asking questions; she's not. She thinks she knows it all because she's been in the business for 13 years (with our company for 1). She doesn't, and she still screws things up. Just this week, I asked her very specifically to get me a select group of people (let's call them Apples). Instead of bringing me Apples, she brings me Grapefruits and says, well, I brought these instead because in my experience that's what you really need, so I read between the lines and brought what you would really need. Well, no, your experience is not the same as mine, and there is a reason I needed Apples, so take your Grapefruits back and get me Apples.

We also follow up immediately and directly. In the above example: Thanks for grapefruits, but please tell them they are not needed. I need 3 Apples for my project, and I need them by Monday. Please give me the names of the Apples you've secured by Friday at 2pm so I can follow up with them and give them instructions for what I need them to do on Monday. I asked for Apples for a reason, and my understanding of our meeting earlier this week was that I asked for Apples. If I was unclear in my instructions, in the future, make sure you ask clarifying questions. If you are still unclear as to what I need please let me know."

Our boss also meets with her weekly and us together weekly. She immediately calls out her behavior in these meetings. Then coaches her on she could have handled the situation better. But she still is defensive and in tears almost every time. And, while the boss calls her out, she's not mean and harsh about it. Just direct and very "let's figure out how to not do this again" type of attitude.

The problem is that it only helps for a short time. 2-3 weeks max. Then she slips back into her crappy behavior. She says she had shitty managers in her previous jobs who "shook her confidence". But, i really think it's the opposite. She doesn't lack confidence, she is OVER confident in her abilities and really believes she can't be fired. 

Good luck! These situations suck.

Honestly this is the type of person that I don't have patience with.   I find these type of people (while I may feel for them on a personal level) I can't spend the time to explain to someone the same thing over and over again.  If I asked for Apples and someone brought me Grapefruits because that's what they think I need,  I would probably explode.  Here's the thing,  that person is wasting their time, your time, and your bosses time.   This type of person rarely gets better, they typically only drag others down with them and they never admit to what they need to improve. 

I wasn't far from exploding. And, in all honesty, if she reported directly to me, I'd be handling things differently. IE, she'd be gone. But she reports to my boss, who sees it as her duty or something to train this woman into the type of employee boss thinks she can be/wants her to be. This position has had 4 people in it in like 2 years. I think boss is afraid if this woman leaves, she won't be allowed to fill the position again, because people will start to think the problem is with boss.

Whatever, I'm just here to do my job. And if boss tells me part of my job is to help coach this person, then I will. I like my job, and I am paid well to do it. This is the only piece that frustrates me. And let me be real clear: I've had much worse jobs with much worse people. I'm not losing sleep at night over this. As long as I continue to perform well, life is good

[Lizard Queen]

Yeah, this is something other than a confidence thing.  Sounds like anxiety, or mania, or bi-polar.  Like someone else said, could even be ADHD or OCD.  I applaud people that try to work with people with something like that, but if you're not a therapist, it's not your job to tackle these things for your employee.

...I did just see something on FB about working with toxic people...here it is:


www3.forbes.com/leadership/10-toxic-people-you-should-avoid-at-all-costs/?utm_campaign=10-Toxic-People-To-Avoid&utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=2

(just thought it was interesting/mildly relevant to the discussion)

[Tiny]

Feb 5, 2016 8:43:11 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I also think there's a large degree of laziness. She doesn't want to actually do the work many days or work to the standard I expect. She wants others to give her the answer instead of doing research, asking questions, etc. When I challenge her on that, she breaks down.

I'm just tossing this out there (this isn't a personal attack....)

What if what you see as "laziness" is actually driven by "fear of failure" - she does want to do the work - she just doesn't want to incur anyone's wrath by doing it 'wrong' or 'sub par' and so simply never starts -- it's better to put off the 'pain' of screwing up as long as possible... which of course becomes a self fulfilling prophecy - she's 'failed' before she even starts.  This is the 'confidence' issue you are noting.

I can totally see where when you 'challenge' her about her lack of ability to do research/ask questions - she breaks down.  Especially if you ask her  "Why she didn't do some research"  instead of something along the lines of "Well, what do you feel would be a good way to solve this problem?"  Or maybe something like "Let's brainstorm - just throw out ideas for solutions - anything at all"  and then wait for her to toss out and idea after which you keep asking generic questions to keep her talking and her mind moving towards solutions.  

It's really hard to direct  someone who's always on the defensive (they experience about everything as a personal attack). 

My guess is that this person isn't really an introvert -  it may be the way your <-- generic you!!  actions/words are being perceived by this person.      

I've experienced people who - if you don't smile at them and say Hi! as you pass them - that you are somehow mad at them - or that they did something to piss you off because you didn't acknowledge them so you therefore must HATE them. 

I've had end users be upset with my response emails with just the word "Done!"  to some request that they make several times a week.   It's like if I don't respond with a wordy "how are you doing?  Hope you are fine.  I'm good.   I completed the request you made.  Can't wait for your next request.  Hope you have a nice day!"      I'm angry and HATE doing the work I'm doing for them.     

Maybe you need to re-evaluate how you might be perceived by this person...  it may make a difference.

I'll also throw this out there - could your employee be suffering from depression?    I've got a couple of friends with diagnosis of depression - and one of them before her official diagnosis the most significant change in her 'personality' was that she became hypersensitive - everything is a personal attack -  the car that cut her off, the bored store clerk who maybe wasn't fast enough, the person walking in front of her at the store - who's NOT walking fast enough... not to mention any topic of conversation - if your garden is going well - it's an attack on her inability to garden.       (fwiw - she had other symptoms of depression - working long hours, spending 'down time' in bed', feeling like she wasn't keep up.... etc - the defensiveness was what caused people close to her to actually encourage her to 'get help'. which thankfully she did.)   She still has 'bad days' where everything "makes her internal 'pain' worse"  <-- I don't mean that in a bad way - I just imagine her inner conversation is especially loud and harsh and jumps on ANY thing she thinks about and turns it against her.

 

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2016 8:43:11 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I also think there's a large degree of laziness. She doesn't want to actually do the work many days or work to the standard I expect. She wants others to give her the answer instead of doing research, asking questions, etc. When I challenge her on that, she breaks down.

I had two examples of an employee with confidence issues, one I demoted two levels and the individual thrived, there was hurt feelings initially but when they were put in a position where their job was task based versus analytics/selling analytics they ended up becoming the best employee at the role. They were essentially given the option to accept the demotion or go down the road of performance improvement. This person was not lazy.

The other was lazy, I ended up firing them because through the performance improvement plan I determined they would not succeed in any of our roles.

I can work with lack of confidence, I can't work with lazy.

[Ryan]

I don't know about the crying, but it's possible that she has so much confidence that she doesn't like to be second guessed on her recommendations.  

Confidence is a little bit of a tough thing though.  I have 100% confidence in my ability to make my own decisions and justify them to others.  The problem is that in a company there are many people that have different priorities than you.  Your concern might be risk, but a salespersons priority might be additional business.  How would you know what is the appropriate balance?  Realistically, you MIGHT be right but the CEO might be making the call.  Once your calls start escalating to someone above you, it' becomes the type of situation where you are like 'Well why don't you just go ask them"

[emma1420]

She sounds emotionally immature, not lacking confidence.  At least most people that I have seen lack confidence (primarily due to a beat down at another job) work very hard. They might come to you half a million times so that you can check their work, or ask tons of questions, but they are hard workers.  What you described is someone who isn't really interested in working, and then using tears when they are called out to make you feel bad for them.

[moneymaven]

Feb 5, 2016 14:36:31 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Feb 5, 2016 8:09:05 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I have a large staff (30+ reports) of very capable people. We're too large and too fast moving as an organization for me to carry dead weight staff. I like people who are confident, curious, self-directed and team oriented. Yes, I know that's asking for a lot! We have, however, been successful at recruiting and retaining such people. I have one particular employee who severely lacks confidence. She joined the company about a year ago after 15 years with another company in the same role, but she had experienced several promotions. She is (mostly) competent and experienced. We had some large issues come about on some accounts and I pulled her off of the accounts. Some other things also transpired so I've since put her on a performance plan. While most employers use this to terminate someone, I don't. It's a way for me to provide direct feedback and set standards for improvement. I then fully engage with this person to help them along and provide tools or resources for them to meet those standards. The issue that I am concerned with us that her self confidence has always been low. This is feedback from others who have known her a long time. When we work on things, she is immediately defensive and shuts down in anger, then leaves my office sobbing. It's an ongoing pattern. Other people (who don't work closely with her or have history with her) perceive her to be arrogant and rude. To me, it's a bizarre manifestation of her confidence issue. I realize I can only do so much to help her feel confident in her job, but how do I address this overall? I think this issue is specifically her biggest hindrance to developing and improving.

I really can't empathize with the lack of confidence on the job. I am certain of my abilities and I work well under pressure. All the circumstances that trip her up are circumstances which I thrive under. That inherently makes it difficult for me to understand her feelings and help her move beyond it. Is this a lost cause? Do you feel this way at work, or manage people who feel this way?

It's hard for me tell what is going on here.

She is mostly competence and experienced, but put on a performance improvement plan....and the goal is to increase her confidence?

I'm not sure why you think a performance improvement plan is necessary for you to provide feedback and expectation to your direct report? If she was mostly competent, but needed coaching on one or two things, it's a little overkill.

If she has only been there a year - who is it that is providing the "feedback from others who have known her a long time"? Is this really feedback - or gossip? backstabbing?

When we work on things, she is immediately defensive and shuts down in anger, then leaves my office sobbing.

working on a project? or talking about her 'deficiencies'? I'm not sure what level she is at, but how many times can one be criticized during the first year, or partial year, in a new company before you just start shutting down?

I really can't empathize with the lack of confidence on the job. I am certain of my abilities and I work well under pressure. All the circumstances that trip her up are circumstances which I thrive under.

I'm not even sure what this has to do with anything. Is the goal to get the best performance out of the employee? Or just to compare her to yourself?

PIP was absolutely necessary. She's lost business due to oversights and overt errors. We do highly regulated work. She is competent, but keeps screwing up and the company is on the line for that. I never stated I'm trying to improve her confidence with a PIP. I'm trying to improve her performance.

This business is large, but really is a very small industry. You build relationships with your competition by nature of industry events and often times you see a group of employees travel to a new company together. In my case, I have about 8 employees, including this person, who worked together for 7+ years together at another company. You can glean a lot by observing interaction and feedback when collaborating. It is not a gossipy or backstabbing environment.

There is a lot that goes into his work, so I'm not going to outline it, but our interaction is not limited to discussing her failures.

No, I'm not comparing her to myself or to pat myself on the back. When I am dealing with what I perceive to be an emotional person who has continual emotional responses, I work to reflect on my contribution to a situation and try to be self aware. Confidence seems to be a component here, but I may have misread that to be lack of confidence instead of overconfidence.

[moneymaven]

To address some of the other comments, I know she has suffered from depression for years and has a host of other personal issues that I am aware of. I am mindful of those things, but can only do so much given the regulatory aspects of the work. If she needs an accommodation, she has to invoke ADA and follow the law.

[emma1420]

Feb 5, 2016 16:33:49 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Feb 5, 2016 15:34:37 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

PIP was absolutely necessary. She's lost business due to oversights and overt errors. We do highly regulated work. She is competent, but keeps screwing up and the company is on the line for that. I never stated I'm trying to improve her confidence with a PIP. I'm trying to improve her performance.

we have a different definition of competent....

I do as well.  Someone who is competent does not regularly make mistakes to the point where you lose business.   Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes very rarely someone will make a mistake that will cost some business. But, those times should be far and few between.

[Shooby]

Feb 5, 2016 8:36:31 GMT -5 swamp said:

Feb 5, 2016 8:09:05 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I have a large staff (30+ reports) of very capable people. We're too large and too fast moving as an organization for me to carry dead weight staff. I like people who are confident, curious, self-directed and team oriented. Yes, I know that's asking for a lot! We have, however, been successful at recruiting and retaining such people. I have one particular employee who severely lacks confidence. She joined the company about a year ago after 15 years with another company in the same role, but she had experienced several promotions. She is (mostly) competent and experienced. We had some large issues come about on some accounts and I pulled her off of the accounts. Some other things also transpired so I've since put her on a performance plan. While most employers use this to terminate someone, I don't. It's a way for me to provide direct feedback and set standards for improvement. I then fully engage with this person to help them along and provide tools or resources for them to meet those standards. The issue that I am concerned with us that her self confidence has always been low. This is feedback from others who have known her a long time. When we work on things, she is immediately defensive and shuts down in anger, then leaves my office sobbing. It's an ongoing pattern. Other people (who don't work closely with her or have history with her) perceive her to be arrogant and rude. To me, it's a bizarre manifestation of her confidence issue. I realize I can only do so much to help her feel confident in her job, but how do I address this overall? I think this issue is specifically her biggest hindrance to developing and improving.

I really can't empathize with the lack of confidence on the job. I am certain of my abilities and I work well under pressure. All the circumstances that trip her up are circumstances which I thrive under. That inherently makes it difficult for me to understand her feelings and help her move beyond it. Is this a lost cause? Do you feel this way at work, or manage people who feel this way?

There is something else going on other than her confidence level.

My opinion, which is worth nothing:  Confidence isn't everything.   I find people who are very confident are often full of shit, you can't tell them they are wrong, and don't research adequately.   

I think a work place suffers when companies tend to focus on only one type of person.  Yes, confidant extroverts are great.  But, now with all the phony baloney "Team, rah, rah", everyone has to be positive puppy kind of thing, I think that a lot of companies are hurting their own bottom lines.  Yes, there is a place for that.  But, there is also a place for those who are more cautious and quiet.  Who aren't necessarily the Pumped up cheerleader and might actually speak up and say "that really isn't going to work and it is going to cost us money and here's why" and they are often brushed off.
   And, i agree with Swamp.  I have seen soooo many bullschitters in my time.  They have all the brash confidence in the world.  And, they usually are the ones who make the biggest mistakes because they don't even know enough to know that they don't know what they don't know.  

[moneymaven]

I say she's competent because these errors have not been an ongoing issue. It's been recent (say last 3 months). Much of our work cycle is repetitive so I know she knows the right answers, process, handling, etc. Perhaps I should say she has the potential rather than competence.