Lessons from being fired

[Firebird]

So I got fired on Thursday.  Ouch.  It sucks, no question.  But experiencing it for the first time is giving me some insight into how to turn a pretty substantial loss into a personal and professional win. It’s been less than a week, and I already feel like I’m completely over what happened and back on track, so I thought I would share some of my thoughts and takeaways.

DO stay as calm and professional as possible during the firing. I can’t stress this enough; it’s not the moment to let your emotions rule. You might have every right to be angry or upset, especially if you didn’t see it coming (more on this in a minute) but you are not going to change the person’s mind about the outcome and keeping your cool when she breaks the bad news is the only way to avoid making a bad situation worse. In my case, the messenger was someone I’d never met; she had nothing to do with the decision, and I treated her accordingly. I made a point of being nothing but polite and friendly to her; we even made casual conversation as she accompanied me to pack up my stuff. She was visibly relieved at how smoothly it went and I felt better knowing I handled a difficult moment with maturity.

DON’T hold grudges. If you’re being fired, your manager absolutely owes you a personal conversation and a specific explanation (which ideally would be the final conversation in a series of warnings and feedback she’s already given you so it doesn’t come as a surprise) but that doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. You’re not always going to get fair treatment, and that’s life. You’re much better off moving on as quickly as possible, and not dwelling on things you can’t change for longer than necessary.

DO keep your dignity. That means not badmouthing anyone and taking responsibility for the situation. Focusing on your own actions (past and present) instead of how much other people suck makes you look better to everyone around you – and more importantly, makes you feel better. Oddly, taking this approach helped me move on mentally much faster than I expected.

DO take action right away. You’ll feel better if you stay busy. I recommend diving right into the job search – that very same day, if you can – but if it’s too raw, find other productive things to do until you can face that part. Clean your house, file for unemployment, tackle a project you’ve been putting off, go for a run.

DO acknowledge your feelings and allow the people who care about you to help in whatever way feels right to you, but…

DON’T let your feelings stop you from taking action and moving forward. Allow yourself space to process your emotions, but don’t let them rule the situation. Take charge of them.  (Good advice for life in general, actually.  I'm learning this but it takes a lot of practice.) 

DO preserve whatever relationships you can. LinkedIn is a great way to do this, especially if you don’t have the phone numbers of your colleagues or clients. Reach out to them right away and let them know you’ll miss working with them and you hope to stay in touch. If they somehow got the impression that you stormed out on your own, this will give you a chance to remediate that and you’ll stay on good terms.

DON’T be friends with your boss. This is more a lesson learned for next time, but it’s worth noting. Everyone thinks they’re the exception to this rule... until they’re not. Being fired sucks even more when you lose a friend in the process. Maintain professional boundaries with the person who manages you.

DO be honest about what happened – both with yourself and others. You owe it to your professional development to ask yourself tough questions about why things went the way they did. Even if the firing was completely out of the blue and you honestly don’t understand why it happened, there are probably still things you could have handled differently. Dissecting the events leading up to your termination with brutal honesty (even if they truly didn't warrant a termination) can help you to make better choices in the future – and potential employers will notice and respect your willingness to own what happened.

DO make sure to emphasize your solid, otherwise termination-free job history if this topic comes up in an interview. Hopefully this was an isolated incident from which you have taken all the lessons you can, in which case you can present it as such. Most hiring managers are reasonable people; if they see a long string of steady employment and a list of solid references from past positions, it can go a long way toward convincing them that whatever happened is not likely to be repeated.

Oh, and because this is YM...

DO go over your budget immediately and figure out what you'll need to change or cut until you get another position 

Getting fired is a major bummer, but it happens to a lot of people. It’s not the end of the world and you’ll do yourself a big favor by remembering that.

[NancysSummerSip]

I'm sorry Firebird. I lost my job this month as well. Mine was a layoff. First time in over 40 years working it's ever happened that I am not working. I agree with everything you wrote. I'd like to stick a big metal stake through my now ex-boss' heart and what little soul he has, but I cannot do it. I did see mine coming a few months ago.

I'll be doing a blogpost later on about how things have been going for me personally and some of the things I've done to stay sane.
And yes, this will lead to better. Head over to the Job Hunt thread and commiserate with us.

[Deleted]

Hi Stranger!

What happened!!!!

[emma1420]

I'm sorry to hear you lost your job.  Like everyone else I'm curious to know what happened?

But, you are handling the situation with a lot of grace and composure.   I don't know if I could behave that way in the same situation, especially if I didn't see it coming.

[MJ2.0]

Holy shit! I'm sorry, that really sucks... But it's great that you're looking at this from a reasoned and mature perspective.

[MJ2.0]

Also your post is great because I might end up having to let someone go before I leave.

[TheHaitian]

Welcome back, I was officially put on administrative leave this past Saturday so not yet fired ... So join the club and good luck with your job search!

[Firebird]

Thanks, guys I've missed you all!

What happened? Not sure. Here's what I know/suspect.

I was managing a project and everything was going fine - I had gotten very positive feedback, which I had been actively soliciting from my team as well as my manager, who I considered a friend. The environment was highly toxic and my manager and I were both planning to move on, but were fully committed to doing the best job we could until we found new opportunities (and that's what we were doing). We agreed to be references for each other, helped each other with resumes, etc. She definitely knew I was looking (she said she was also) but I never did that at work, so I don't believe that was the issue. 

Right before Christmas, I had a disagreement with the data team lead (he didn't like how I handled a client communication). He was pretty upset and I had a feeling that he was ranting to my managers/his friends in management (politically he carries a lot of weight at this place), as he tends to do when he's pissed at someone. So right away I had a feeling that he was pushing to have me terminated, which didn't make a lot of sense logically (the dispute we had was IMO pretty minor and certainly didn't cause any major issues) but I am trying to get better about listening to my intuition so I decided to flat-out ask if I was in danger of being terminated.

I talked to my manager and asked her if he was pushing to have me fired. She said that he was pretty upset and might have been talking to other people, but firing me wasn't his call and she was going to fight against that outcome, if it came to that.

We've obviously had a very frank relationship up to this point, so I said, "If it looks like things might be going that way, please give me a heads up. I won't do anything to make you look bad, I'm definitely not going to hold it against you if it happens - but I would really appreciate the warning." She agreed.

Fast forward two days. I got a message asking me to come to the onsite vendor management desk (this was a contract position). I asked my manager on the way over if she knew why they were calling me over, and she said no.

The reason my vendor was given: "[Firebird's] contract was terminated due to lack of judgement, inability to gain consensus within the team and lack of ownership.” That's all. They pressed for additional details (as did I) but none were forthcoming.

So I truly have no idea what happened. As for my manager, I never heard from her again. I texted her a few times and she didn't answer. I was really hurt at first (like I said, this was an actual friend - we'd hung out a bunch of times outside work, our kids had played together, etc.) but I'm fine about it now. This company is a deeply toxic place. I suspect they put her in an impossible situation. I still wish she would tell me what happened, but it doesn't look like she's going to do that, which I accept. I wish her and the team only the best (the project is almost over and I hope she can get out of the company sooner than later).

Luckily, since this was a contract position (I was there for just over six months, which was the length of the original contract anyway), I don't have to tell employers that I was fired. According to my vendor, it's fine to say that my contract ended and offer people I worked with as references in lieu of my manager.

I have a feeling I'll land on my feet pretty quickly. I don't love how it happened, obviously, but it's for the best.  

[MJ2.0]

I am angry for all of you in horrible work environments.

[cael]

Nice to see you Firebird, but sorry about what happened! Sounds like you have the absolute right attitude about it though and I'm sure you will be back on your feet in no time. (and are better off not working with that company if it's that toxic of an environment.)

[Deleted]

I'm sorry this happened this way, but I'm glad you are out of the toxic environment.

[Deleted]

You don't want a contract in a toxic place extended so this is a blessing in disguise. No telling how long you would have stayed in that just for the pay cheque. Besides, it was interfering with your posting time. Not a good fit at all.

[mojothehelpermonkey]

Jan 20, 2016 15:37:14 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

I am angry for all of you in horrible work environments.

Being unemployed sucks, but as long as you can still get by financially, it is way better than putting up with a toxic work environment.

[haapai]

I worry for you two.  Please be careful about what you post.  Yup, we're damn curious about the details and I'm sure that you're both itching to unload, but please be careful.  Both of you have every right to demur when we ask questions. 

[emma1420]

Well that sucks.  But, you have a good attitude.  And it's great news that the vendors were pleased with your work and will serve as references.

You may find that your boss reaches out to you once she has found another place of employment.  At the moment she may be concerned for her own employment and feels like she would be putting that in jeopardy if she contacts you.  Or she could just a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I'm sure you will land on your feet.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I suspect they put her in an impossible situation. I still wish she would tell me what happened, but it doesn't look like she's going to do that

If she is still employed there for legal reasons she cannot talk to you.  HR will put a lid on it.   Depending on what she says and if she puts it down somewhere you can get a copy, you could come back and sue them for wrongful termination.

[CCL]

Jan 20, 2016 15:22:24 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Welcome back, I was officially put on administrative leave this past Saturday so not yet fired ... So join the club and good luck with your job search!

What? How did I miss this?

[Firebird]

I worry for you two. Please be careful about what you post. Yup, we're damn curious about the details and I'm sure that you're both itching to unload, but please be careful. Both of you have every right to demur when we ask questions.

No worries.  I think I'm allowed to say whatever I want about my own situation, but I did remove the story about the other guy.  Better safe than sorry.  

So - did you throw dataman under the bus in the client email? What on earth could he have been so irate about unless it was about him/his team?

No, absolutely not.  It was nothing like that.  Basically, the client asked us to initiate something that we needed his team for (being vague on purpose, sorry) and I emailed her back to say I would talk with Dataman to get it rolling before our call that afternoon.  

The thing we needed him to do takes days, so obviously I wasn't suggesting he would get it done by our call that afternoon.  I meant I would get with him to discuss the timeline for getting it done before the call (I could have worded it better - but that's what I meant).  Dataman took it the first way, and yelled at me (over the phone and via an email on which he cc'd my manager's boss) for promising the client things without talking to him.  

It was part of a larger issue involving him and his team being overworked, but that was the extent of this particular argument.  I stayed calm, apologized for saying anything misleading to the client, and explained that my intent was only to tell her we would discuss timeline prior to the call; I hadn't meant to commit him to any timeline at all, and certainly I never would have done that without talking to him. 

This all happened via phone/email and I intended to talk with him and clear the air once we were both back in the office, but I never got a chance.  

If she is still employed there for legal reasons she cannot talk to you. HR will put a lid on it. Depending on what she says and if she puts it down somewhere you can get a copy, you could come back and sue them for wrongful termination.

Well, I figured something like that was in play, but I don't think that HR can control who you're friends with outside of work.  I would have completely accepted her saying something like, "I can't discuss the work situation with you at all."  She was my friend; I'd never jeopardize her job trying to get her to spill stuff she wasn't supposed to be talking about, but it would have been nice to maintain the outside-work friendship. 

Hence my newfound wisdom about not being friends with my boss in the future    I knew that was usually a bad idea but like everyone else, I thought we were the exception.  I certainly never expected her to be in a position where she'd have to let me go, and we clicked so much on a personal level that it's a real loss for me thinking that we can't talk at all anymore.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I certainly never expected her to be in a position where she'd have to let me go, and we clicked so much on a personal level that it's a real loss for me thinking that we can't talk at all anymore.

Once you are settled somewhere else and this is all behind everyone you could try reaching out to her.   My assumption is she's lying low now b/c she needs to keep her job.

I know people who were terminated just for talking about someone else being fired while I was at Creighton.  While HR can't control who she talks to outside of work, if the place is as toxic as you say they can still make her life miserable if they find out she's friends with you.

Toxic workplaces are the worst.  I am glad I gave the lab I was working in at Boys Town the finger, that place was not healthy.

I think DH will be better off as well away from his psycho supervisor and the president who runs the company as his own little empire.

[Firebird]

Once you are settled somewhere else and this is all behind everyone you could try reaching out to her. My assumption is she's lying low now b/c she needs to keep her job.

Mine too.  That's why I don't blame her and I'm not upset with her.  Once I calmed down and stepped away from my hurt feelings, I realized that she was quite likely protecting her own job and family.  She hasn't unfriended me on Facebook or anything.  Hopefully this will blow over after we've both found new jobs.  In the meantime, I really do wish her the best.  She had her work cut out for her even before I left, and I'd like to think I was adding some value to the project that was helping her. 

[Firebird]

I do think it's wrong that the company let me go through the vendor without even allowing my manager to be present.  It's pretty stupid to fire someone for performance-related reasons and not even give them the courtesy of hearing it from the person who made that decision.  Especially if they had no official warning, which I certainly didn't.  As I said, I even asked directly and was told my position was not in danger... two whole days before I was let go.  It's awful to mislead people like that any way you slice it.  

Which just points even more to "there was something else going on here."  Nothing about my termination makes a lot of sense.  But given the toxicity and the other things I saw and heard... I'm not surprised.  Not even a little bit.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It's good she agreed to let you use her as a reference.   At least you know (hopefully) that nobody is going to be sabotaging you if they decide to check references.

We used DH's VP as his contact while looking for new jobs.   He was technically DH's supervisor if not directly.

We didn't trust his direct supervisor not to bad mouth him to prospective employers.   Someone who tries to write an employee up for being 'selfish' is not someone I want to talk to prospective employers.

"Selfish" meant that DH didn't take over a co-workers paperwork (the coworker was a favorite) on top of his.   Supervisor said co-worker was just "too stressed" to do her job properly, DH was a big fat meanie for not bailing the chick out.

t's pretty stupid to fire someone for performance-related reasons and not even give them the courtesy of hearing it from the person who made that decision. Especially if they had no official warning, which I certainly didn't

Someone didn't like you and that someone was a favorite of whoever it is that could override your direct supervisor/manager.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Just to state the obvious, next time you do reach out to her, make sure it's a private way and not anything on a work device. You never know what their it dept is monitoring if it's that toxic of an environment.

And welcome home Firebird.

[Firebird]

Jan 20, 2016 15:21:19 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Also your post is great because I might end up having to let someone go before I leave.

I can't recommend this blog highly enough in general (it has helped me immensely in the past few months) and she has especially great advice on firing people. If you have time, give some of the posts in the link a read. I can virtually guarantee it will make the conversation better, if not easier.

www.askamanager.org/category/firing

[Firebird]

She agreed to let me use her as a reference before all this went down; I'm not comfortable doing that anymore, at least until we can reestablish non-work contact so she can tell me it's okay.

I don't think she would throw me under the bus but again, I have no idea what happened. I need to know what she plans to say before having anyone call her.

I have no plans to contact her again at this time. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize her job.

[Miss Tequila]

I can tell you from experience that she probably had no choice. Due to company downturn we just recently had a "right sizing" and I had to let an employee go. I knew it for two months before but couldn't say anything. She specifically asked me if there were going to be layoffs (we are in finance so she saw the numbers and the forecasts). I had to tell her that I had no knowledge of any layoffs. When the day came she was devestated and holds me responsible for letting her go and for lying. Both of which I did but it was my job to do so. And I wasn't friends with her outside of work so I can't imagine how she would feel if we were

[Miss Tequila]

And Im so sorry to both you and Carl.

[CCL]

I'm sorry you all have to deal with these crappie employers, but I'm sure you all will land back on your feet and do well.

[MJ2.0]

Jan 20, 2016 17:26:57 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I can tell you from experience that she probably had no choice. Due to company downturn we just recently had a "right sizing" and I had to let an employee go. I knew it for two months before but couldn't say anything. She specifically asked me if there were going to be layoffs (we are in finance so she saw the numbers and the forecasts). I had to tell her that I had no knowledge of any layoffs. When the day came she was devestated and holds me responsible for letting her go and for lying. Both of which I did but it was my job to do so. And I wasn't friends with her outside of work so I can't imagine how she would feel if we were

Wouldn't it have made more financial sense to the company for you to top,her off? Then she might have quit and started a new job elsewhere and you wouldn't be on the hook for severance pay.

[MJ2.0]

Lmao! That should be "tip her off".