WAS I A TATTLETALE??

[Green Eyed Lady]

Question for the parents out there. Was I a tattletale or should I have kept my mouth shut?

I babysat, a few days before Christmas for my friend's 3 and 4 year old.  Female is 3, male is 4. They are pretty good kids other than the occasional spat, which I hear is pretty normal. I babysit on occasion for this friend. She has no family in the area and she doesn't ask very often. Plus? I just enjoy having them. She wanted to get some shopping done for them and I had a free afternoon. No problem.

When she picks up the kids, she always asks if they behaved and I always tell her that they did. I don't feel the need to relate every single little spat they had or every time they cried, etc. I want her to enjoy her time away and not be hit in the face with of bunch of meaningless stuff when she picks them up. I recognize what is meaningless to me may not be to someone else, but I just tell her they were good - because they are.

This day, however, they were having a spat over a toy. I told them that one would get some time with the toy and then it would be the other's turn. The younger one said the older one shouldn't have a turn. I asked her why. She says....to my horror.....BECAUSE....He's A..

and used what I consider to be a very derogatory word for a mentally handicapped individual.

I can't imagine my friend ever using that word - let alone in front of her children. She's just not that way. So this child picked it up somewhere and I'm guessing it's from daycare. Don't know for sure.  Anyway....I told her mom what she said when she came to pick them up. I just really thought a talk was in order and it wasn't my place to do it. I did correct her at the time and told her it was not a nice thing to say and she wasn't to do it again. Mom was VERY upset. Now I feel horrible.

Did I do the right thing or should I have just hoped my correction stuck and not mentioned it?  I'm still feeling guilty.  I realize I'm going to get opinions on each side of the spectrum and that's expected because I'm doubting myself.  Majority rules!

[ArchietheDragon]

good to tell the mom.   

[greeniis10]

I think you did the right thing, particularly since you're fairly certain she didn't pick up that word at home. It's important for parents to know how their children act when they aren't around. That way they can tell the child the same thing you did and the reinforcement may make an impact on the child. Better for you to have told her now than for the child to use that term at a really bad time in public, say when there is a mentally impaired person present. Don't feel guilty!

[Sam_2.0]

If you were watching my 4yr old, I would hope that you would have handled it the same way. Addressing it with the kid in the moment to let them know that it is not an acceptable thing to say, and follow up with me so I can handle it further.

[TheHaitian]

You did the right thing!

[Shooby]

Yeah, i think you are overthinking it.  For the most part, sibs are going to have spats.  And, i would help them work it out or let them work it out and move on.  But, if there is something that you consider noteworthy, then you tell her.  It is up to her what she wants to do with that information.  I would just be matter of fact, which i am sure you are, and not make it overly dramatic.  Nor would i just shrug and say "oh btw, x tried to burn down the house today and then we had cake" either.

[Green Eyed Lady]

Thanks all. I feel better.  I don't know what her mom did to follow up. I won't ask because it's really none of my business.  Knowing her, I cant' imagine she just let it go.  But then, I don't know how much you can really do so long after the fact.  I have no kids so I'm thinking you have to get to a puppy pretty quickly for your correction to make an impact.

Same thing, right? 

[Green Eyed Lady]

Jan 5, 2016 17:24:21 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Yeah, i think you are overthinking it.  For the most part, sibs are going to have spats.  And, i would help them work it out or let them work it out and move on.  But, if there is something that you consider noteworthy, then you tell her.  It is up to her what she wants to do with that information.  I would just be matter of fact, which i am sure you are, and not make it overly dramatic.  Nor would i just shrug and say "oh btw, x tried to burn down the house today and then we had cake" either.

LOL! No cake. Mom has strict rules about sweets which I won't go against even if I think those babies needs some cake once in awhile. She always brings their snacks - mostly fruit and these horrid looking crackers that look like they are supposed to have veggie bits in them. Her kids...her rules. My kid would get cake.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Jan 5, 2016 17:27:31 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

Thanks all. I feel better.  I don't know what her mom did to follow up. I won't ask because it's really none of my business.  Knowing her, I cant' imagine she just let it go.  But then, I don't know how much you can really do so long after the fact.  I have no kids so I'm thinking you have to get to a puppy pretty quickly for your correction to make an impact.

Same thing, right? 

Yes, but, it opens up a topic for discussion and continuing reinforcement that doesn't necessarily need to relate back to that one incident.  

[billisonboard]

Jan 5, 2016 16:52:11 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

...
I can't imagine my friend ever using that word - let alone in front of her children. She's just not that way. ...

I married into a family that does use terms like that. When the grand kids visit, I don't hesitate to tell them, "Not in my house" even when their mother and her lastest are present. They all just think I am weird.

[Tennesseer]

You never know where kids will pick up a word or expression.  GEL did the right thing.  

Years ago a friend's 5-year-old child got frustrated at the family's Thanksgiving dinner table and blurted out 'Mother F&@kers Of The Universe".  The child stunned those at the dinner table.  When asked where she had heard such an expression, the child said on TV.  Apparently the child was once parked in front of the TV watching a kids show on HBO but when it was over a mature movie came on and she picked up the expression from there.

[mroped]

Didn't read any of the posts, not even the OP but if you have to ask that question then :Yes, you were!"

[Green Eyed Lady]

Jan 5, 2016 18:29:05 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

You never know where kids will pick up a word or expression.  GEL did the right thing.  

Years ago a friend's 5-year-old child got frustrated at the family's Thanksgiving dinner table and blurted out 'Mother F&@kers Of The Universe".  The child stunned those at the dinner table.  When asked where she had heard such an expression, the child said on TV.  Apparently the child was once parked in front of the TV watching a kids show on HBO but when it was over a mature movie came on and she picked up the expression from there.

OMG!!  I just laughed! Totally inappropriate and I know that. MFr's of the Universe! LOL! That's some pretty big MFr's!  I know it's not funny and I would have been horrified if it had been my kid...but I laughed.

Sorry.

[mroped]

Ok, I gave in and read your post.
No, you're not! By letting the mom know about her daughter's behavior and choice of words, you helped her and the kid. So good for you!  I would've done the same.

[Malarky]

Jan 5, 2016 19:24:38 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

Jan 5, 2016 18:29:05 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

You never know where kids will pick up a word or expression.  GEL did the right thing.  

Years ago a friend's 5-year-old child got frustrated at the family's Thanksgiving dinner table and blurted out 'Mother F&@kers Of The Universe".  The child stunned those at the dinner table.  When asked where she had heard such an expression, the child said on TV.  Apparently the child was once parked in front of the TV watching a kids show on HBO but when it was over a mature movie came on and she picked up the expression from there.

OMG!!  I just laughed! Totally inappropriate and I know that. MFr's of the Universe! LOL! That's some pretty big MFr's!  I know it's not funny and I would have been horrified if it had been my kid...but I laughed.

Sorry.

Trying to remember what DS blurted out from his high chair...Oh wait...God damn, mother fuckers, don't you know how to drive?  Wonder where he learned that?  

[wvugurl26]

When a family member's first born was younger and an only child we took her everywhere with us. She was about 2.5 when her response to being told no more cheese was god damnit. Once they picked their jaws up off the floor they found new creative cuss words.

[gracendignity]

GEL, I don't think you were a tattle tale, but it seems to have bothered you a bit. Mom needed to know, not so she could punish her child, but so she could teach her.   If it happens again maybe you could tell the mom privately, not in front of the kids, and just say you are letting her know since you know she wouldn't want her children saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. That Mom knows, but it is lessened in magnitude and she can think a bit on how she wants to handle it.

If you are worried that now Mom thinks she can't ask you to babysit anymore because her child was "so bad," then you can head that off by calling her up in a couple of weeks and tell her you need a kid-fix and wonder if the kids could come play for awhile while she gets a break. That might smooth over any awkwardness either of you might feel over the small incident.

**oh, yeah...I'm sorta kinda new here. I've been hanging out on these boards for years now and only just introduced myself on the "introduce yourself" thread a few days ago.

[Deleted]

Years ago, my oldest grandson told me that "Mommy called Daddy a son of a b*tch."

I didn't want to tattle, but I did think my DIL might want to know that he was telling stuff that I probably wouldn't want shared.  

I told her.  She then looked me straight in the face and said, "Did you tell him that you were the b*tch?"

[TheOtherMe]

You did the right thing.

I'm told my dad's cursing when I was small was cured when I let several of his favorite curse words out in front of my parents' friends at age 2 or so. 

I have babysat my great niece a lot since she was 2 in 2008 until now.  I was not prepared for a 2 year old who threw temper tantrums and did not know how to handle them.  I wish my niece had told me her daughter threw them and what to do before I quit after a full day of tantrum after tantrum.  It took that for my niece to tell me how they handled her.  Then the 2 year old called and said she was sorry and she missed me.  I started watching her again.  Yes, there were a few more tantrums.  I reacted in a totally different way which meant she wasn't getting much reaction so they were no longer fun. 

[zibazinski]

Absolutely. I HATE that word. Probably because that's what my students were referred to. If my kids used that word, I'd want to know. I'm willing to let a lot of words "go" but not that one.

[Tennesseer]

Jan 5, 2016 19:24:38 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

Jan 5, 2016 18:29:05 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

You never know where kids will pick up a word or expression.  GEL did the right thing.  

Years ago a friend's 5-year-old child got frustrated at the family's Thanksgiving dinner table and blurted out 'Mother F&@kers Of The Universe".  The child stunned those at the dinner table.  When asked where she had heard such an expression, the child said on TV.  Apparently the child was once parked in front of the TV watching a kids show on HBO but when it was over a mature movie came on and she picked up the expression from there.

OMG!!  I just laughed! Totally inappropriate and I know that. MFr's of the Universe! LOL! That's some pretty big MFr's!  I know it's not funny and I would have been horrified if it had been my kid...but I laughed.

Sorry.

If I had been at that Thanksgiving dinner table, I would have had to cover my face with my napkins to hide my laughter. Her mother was mortified but laughed when she told me the story.

[Sam_2.0]

Jan 5, 2016 17:27:31 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

Thanks all. I feel better.  I don't know what her mom did to follow up. I won't ask because it's really none of my business.  Knowing her, I cant' imagine she just let it go.  But then, I don't know how much you can really do so long after the fact.  I have no kids so I'm thinking you have to get to a puppy pretty quickly for your correction to make an impact.

Same thing, right? 

I wouldn't have punished a kid that far afterwards. But I would take the opportunity to discuss words - kind and unkind - and how they make people feel. 4 is a good age for that. "Discipline" doesn't have to look like punishment or retaliation for something done wrong. Its taking the opportunity to use it as a learning moment. That can absolutely happen after the fact. Well, at least with a 4 yr old. The puppy may not reason so well

[Green Eyed Lady]

Thanks all for your opinions. I would have wanted to know also. I was feeling more guilty about the fact I ruined her few hours out with a bad story when she got home. She's an awesome mom and works really hard.  She deserves some time off without problems, but I guess this won't be the first day interrupted by inappropriate behavior since they are only 3 and 4. Probably a few more of those to go. You've all made me feel a bit better by saying you would have wanted to know also.

[lund]

I think that dealing with the child immediately in an appropriate way and then telling the parent about incidents like that is one of the signs of a good sitter!

The parent needs to to know in order to talk about good and bad choices of words, and to make sure that the child understands that some expressions are forbidden, period. One never knows where else the next use might be...

The parent probably also wants to weasel out where the child picked that expression up.
In case there is one kid at the daycare who is the source, the DCP might want a heads-up too; kids learning bad language is not exactly the hallmark of a good DCP.

[zibazinski]

I'm sure daycare wants to know as well as a good one will pull child aside and do exactly what you did.

[alabamagal]

If it was my kid I would want to know. Depending on the age of the kid I would either talk to the kid or watch out for the behavior at a later date.

Also, assuming the kid didn't pick up this word at home, you are letting the parent know and in a way telling them that it is not acceptable to you and the kid didn't learn it at your house

[Green Eyed Lady]

I don't know that it was the day care place. That's just my guess. As billisonboard pointed out, it could have been a family member. Could have been a neighbor. I really have no idea and was just guessing.  That probably wasn't fair to assume. I can't imagine any responsible day care provider would allow that to go on unchecked.  My brother tells me that my niece, hours after the fact, asked him if he heard the lady in the grocery store say a bad word. I guess those little ones have great memories for stuff you hope they don't remember!

[Sam_2.0]

Jan 6, 2016 9:05:33 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

  I guess those little ones have great memories for stuff you hope they don't remember!

Oh man. This is truth. They remember every little thing.

[Chocolate Lover]

Jan 5, 2016 21:25:34 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Jan 5, 2016 19:24:38 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

OMG!!  I just laughed! Totally inappropriate and I know that. MFr's of the Universe! LOL! That's some pretty big MFr's!  I know it's not funny and I would have been horrified if it had been my kid...but I laughed.

Sorry.

If I had been at that Thanksgiving dinner table, I would have had to cover my face with my napkins to hide my laughter. Her mother was mortified but laughed when she told me the story.

I'm not sure I could have held it in, that's just hilarious. I have to use that expression now.

[Green Eyed Lady]

One good thing is this reinforced to me how important it is to watch what you say around little ones.  Not having anyone around to pick up on what I say can make me lazy.  I'd hate to teach them a new word at my house!