Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Dec 30, 2015 23:52:26 GMT -5
Wellll... according to what I've just read here tonight negotiation and compromise need to happen. We agree that a loving husband mustn't conduct himself like a tyrant, and we agree that both husband and wife will suffer grave unhappiness if he does.
Ideally a marriage will run into few impasses where negotiation and compromise fail to bring about a resolution. In the event such an impasse is reached, you must obey the man.
But I say throw his shit out until he realizes he's wrong and learns to do what you tell him to do.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2015 1:41:18 GMT -5
You're both going to have to adjust. I can't imagine living apart from my spouse for 15 years and then trying to make a go of it. He should have adjusted to the time change by now. I also think he should get a complete physical including vision and hearing screening.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Dec 31, 2015 3:03:19 GMT -5
It sounds like you might have a rough road ahead. I feel for both of you. You're used to having the house to yourself and he probably wants to finally have the house to himself. Neither of you get what you want. Maybe you can get a part-time gig or hobby out of the house and give him a little more space.
As far as the furniture, if it were me, I'd get custom glass tops made for any surfaces you're worried about. I couldn't live with never being able to put something down on a surface over fear of scratching the furniture. Life should be easy!
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Dec 31, 2015 6:43:39 GMT -5
Pat this is EXACTLY what I was thinking about when you said DH was retiring. It is going to take a LOT of time and discussion (quiet tones) to work things out. I do not think he is adjusted to the time change yet. I suspect upwards of a month for that. Everything else will need compromise on a case by case basis BUT determine priorities. Don't hit him with 10/more things a day-just 1 or 2 every couple days in a this has been bothering me statement & ask for help/ideas to manage.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Dec 31, 2015 7:10:43 GMT -5
Been there/done that........I'm not ever going to live with another person again. Our marriage almost didn't survive when my late DH retired in 1995.
When he tells you that you aren't emptying the dishwasher correctly, find your biggest cast iron skillet and let him have it.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Dec 31, 2015 7:39:28 GMT -5
Common sense needs to happen! Crabby covers tables and nightstands. Sometimes with a cloth and sometimes with a place mat (yep, they are not just for dishes).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2015 7:41:04 GMT -5
Been there/done that........I'm not ever going to live with another person again. Our marriage almost didn't survive when my late DH retired in 1995.
When he tells you that you aren't emptying the dishwasher correctly, find your biggest cast iron skillet and let him have it. I absolutely hate sharing a bathroom.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Dec 31, 2015 7:44:35 GMT -5
Been there/done that........I'm not ever going to live with another person again. Our marriage almost didn't survive when my late DH retired in 1995.
When he tells you that you aren't emptying the dishwasher correctly, find your biggest cast iron skillet and let him have it. I absolutely hate sharing a bathroom. I came to the conclusion many years ago that there is only 1 way a marriage will survive to 51 years like mine did:
Do NOT share a bathroom Do NOT share a closet Do NOT share a bed/bedroom
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Dec 31, 2015 7:46:17 GMT -5
Why can't he make some of the rules in his own house? Why can't he make all of the rules in his own house for that matter and Pat has to do it his way from now on. I don't even like the word "rules" for anybody other than kids. You'd probably say because it's Pat's house too. It's unfair to him the same way it would be unfair to her if she had to do everything the way he wants from now on.
If he doesn't like how the dishwasher gets emptied, well then let him empty the dishwasher his way. No need to fight over it or train the poor man. I agree the patience and compromise is the key.
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mroped
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Post by mroped on Dec 31, 2015 8:18:57 GMT -5
Six hours to adjust that means he was in Western Europe or Western Africa. To catch up on that one shouldn't need more than a couple of days. As gooddecisions said, if he doesn't like the way you do something then he can do it himself.
What is he doing for a living? Sounds like he feels out of sorts himself and maybe you should have a sit down with him and casualty ask what is his plan. Then you can bring up the fact that being alone you created certain routines and show/tell him what those are. He might be willing to follow some of them just because he wants to. Avoid stating them as rules!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Dec 31, 2015 8:32:57 GMT -5
Now you know the reason you have been married so long. Rarely together Guess he could always go back to work It's just going to take time to settle in but it will happen
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 31, 2015 9:27:15 GMT -5
Pat, chill, it's his house too. Is the world going to stop because his pants are on the dresser?
You wanted him home, he's home. Living with another person is messy, chaotic, and you don't always have things your way.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Dec 31, 2015 9:38:10 GMT -5
So he wants to go to sleep in his own bedroom and watch t.v. in his own family room? I think I would do the exact same thing- kick the person out if they are up watching t.v. in bed and I needed sleep. That's what bedrooms are for. I don't have a t.v. in my bedroom for this exact reason. I need it to be quiet and dark to sleep. My preference would actually be for that person to turn off their devises and cuddle (or whatever) instead of leaving to continue on their devises in another room. But, if they can't do that, then yes they have to leave. Sorry it sucks for you though.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2015 9:43:32 GMT -5
Pat, chill, it's his house too. Is the world going to stop because his pants are on the dresser?
You wanted him home, he's home. Living with another person is messy, chaotic, and you don't always have things your way. Amen. Even though dh thought nothing of coming in to poop while I was brushing my teeth-yech- I can always go use the other bathroom, which I did. I'd love to have him still to complain about his stupid water bottles all over the house half full, or his million pairs of shoes,socks, and shirts, when he only wears the same ones over and over. You have him home, your daughter is placed, your MIL is placed. Please enjoy your life after so many years of struggles.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 31, 2015 10:12:57 GMT -5
My DH retired about four years ago, and it was awful for about a year. We worked different schedules for a long time, then BOOM...there he was in the house 24/7.
Pat, you've been in charge for a long time. There's no crime in that. It's OK to let stuff happen and just be. Your brain will adjust to everything, just as his will. In time, both of you will get to a centered place where neither of you is annoyed by the other when it comes to small things. And these things will get smaller, I promise. But you have to decide what hills you want to fight for and which are worth dying on.
His sleep patterns could take MONTHS to adjust. That is what it is. You have to live with this, period. If you need separate bedrooms for awhile, just do it.
He's accustomed to living chaotically because that's how it is on the road. Now there are patterns and habits and things for him to get used to. He lived his way for years. He's been home for less than two weeks at this point.
If he wants to work for some bill paying or spending money, it sounds like a plan to me. It will keep his mind occupied, keep his body moving and still give you some semblance of alone time. It's impossible for the body to go 100 miles per hour and then come to a sudden stop safely. He needs to adjust gradually to life in this world. So do you. Neither of you is 100% right or wrong; you just have to work towards that 50% mark where both of you can live with certain things. You'll get there if you don't try to get there all at once. Make a list of things that annoy you, that you cannot stand and that need to change about the current situation. Then work on one at a time, maybe one per week or one per month.
This situation is forever now, or at least until death do you part. You've been through so much already, together and apart. Being under the same roof again should not be the beginning of the end.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Dec 31, 2015 10:44:59 GMT -5
Both of you are so used to living separate lives, and in separate cities/countries for months/years on end. You really can't expect him to adjust back from 'bachelor' mode (where he probably left his shit lying around wherever he felt) , back into the routine and order of your home environment and the way you've been keeping it all this time, only having him visiting occasionally as a 'guest' for a week or two. You're both going to have to adjust back to being a full_ ~time live-in married couple again. He can't be expected to unlearn all the new bad habits you now find annoying after only a day or two of being home.
Give him at least a week to re-adjust to the homefront
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 31, 2015 10:45:03 GMT -5
I know you don't want to be apart again, but I think giving him a little time to decompress at home by himself might be the best thing for both of you. I'd go on the Florida trip.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 31, 2015 10:54:38 GMT -5
Here's my advice:
Do whatever the heck it is that you want to do.
He likewise can do whatever the heck it is that he likes to do. Sorry you don't like his stuff lying around but that doesn't seem like a hill to die on.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2015 10:56:28 GMT -5
I agree. Go to Florida. DH and I worked because he had a job and I was busy all day long. Then he was in the hospital but my day was still full-of him-and his was full of getting better. When he died not only was I dealing with grief and poopy kids, mine included, but I suddenly had nothing to do. My October calendar was filled every day with things to do for him. When I deleted his things off my calendar, there were two things for me. For the entire month! I had stopped seeing friends and basically put my life on hold. Getting used to having one again is hard but I'm getting there. DD laughs because I shop like a European because my daily walk takes me last publix and I stop and get something all the time. But it works for me. My physical in October my doctor didn't like some things. Nothing major but a direct result of me not taking care of me. I promised him that I would do just that and turn things around. Stay busy and let him start doing something/anything for him to stay busy. I swear my grandpa was fine until he retired. Then with nothing to do, he got dementia. Stay busy.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 31, 2015 11:07:52 GMT -5
The one thing certain in life is Change. Life changes. I think of life in Seasons. You have a season of being young, going to college, and that track. Then you start your working life, maybe being single for awhile, etc. Then the next chapter, marriage and kids. Then the kids grown up and you move into that phase. Now you are moving into the Golden years, retirement, etc and you need to have a new normal.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Dec 31, 2015 11:18:25 GMT -5
After being married for so many years, being alone has been quite a shock. I'm still waiting for someone to tell me what I just did wrong, should have turned left instead of right etc. But fortunately, I'm getting the hang of this lifestyle very quickly.
This is MY house, MY guest room etc. and I'm going to do what I want...it doesn't make any difference what anyone else says.
I don't have to be home at a certain time, nor do I have to have DH riding along with me if I'm making a 2 mile trip to the post office. I actually have time to myself without being the care giver. Many people don't like the term "new normal" but that is exactly what it is.
From here on, I'm living my life exactly the way I want to, and I will make no excuses for my decisions or my wants vs. my needs. It's now just ALL ABOUT ME!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2015 11:20:45 GMT -5
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Dec 31, 2015 11:23:42 GMT -5
I forgot to say one thing: It's been all about you and what you wanted for many years, now you are sharing your life again with someone, and you're not liking it. There are only 2 solutions: you get over it, or you leave.
on edit: I guess I'm not done yet. Before DH came back, you were saying how you're just going to turn everything with his DM over to him...you're done, that's it, NO MORE. And what have you posted today? It's all about you: I did this for her, I am going to make sure she baths, I am going to make sure her clothes are washed, I am, I am, I am...it's all about "I". How many times per day do you say the word "I"? You won't allow your DH to take care of his Mom because no one can or will do it exactly the way you want it done. You tell the living facility this, that and the other. You tell the cousin what he is doing wrong, you tell DD living situation what is wrong and how you're going to fix it.
Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.....Knock it off and let other people do their job, let others take over and just go live your life.
Just sayin....
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Dec 31, 2015 11:31:22 GMT -5
You've been not only single-handedly been looking after your special-needs daughter and HIS mother all these years, you've also been doing the upkeep & mtnce on your house/land.
I'm sure you can come up with a fairly long "honey-do" list to help him fill his day and keep busy, and re-adjust to life on the homestead.
He probably doesn't have a clue right now either what to do with himself - so giving him some domestic chores might help him get re-acquainted with the old routine too.
Don't be too impatient with him, but don't let him sit around being lazy either.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 31, 2015 14:01:30 GMT -5
Then let him start taking care of it NOW. On. his.own. By. himself.
Pat, step away from this situation. Your DH is "not that type" because you've been that type all this time. He has not been here to take care of it. She's his mother. What part of "No, I'm done; it's time for you to pull up the big boy boxers and step into this" is not making sense to you?
And if the son does get pissy and gets on your husband's case - fine, let them deal with it. Maybe they'll have a good old-fashioned duel: pistols at twenty paces. But they might surprise you. They might actually be able to talk about it and work something out. You're so involved in this, it's like trying to unravel all those holiday lights stored in the attic. You'd swear just storing them near each other wouldn't result in them getting tangled up. Your husband's distance in this situation may be a help, not a hindrance. He's coming at it with a fresh perspective, not looking for confrontation.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jan 2, 2016 12:52:09 GMT -5
Six hours to adjust that means he was in Western Europe or Western Africa. To catch up on that one shouldn't need more than a couple of days. As gooddecisions said, if he doesn't like the way you do something then he can do it himself. What is he doing for a living? Sounds like he feels out of sorts himself and maybe you should have a sit down with him and casualty ask what is his plan. Then you can bring up the fact that being alone you created certain routines and show/tell him what those are. He might be willing to follow some of them just because he wants to. Avoid stating them as rules! I spent 2 weeks in France, which is a 9 hour time difference for me. I returned on the 27th, and still wanting to fall asleep at 5 pm - managing to stay awake until 8-9 pm and waking up in the very early hours of the morning. Today, it was 3:30 am. Experts say it takes one day for every hour of time difference. However, as I have gotten older it has gotten harder for me to get back on some kind of schedule. I found that when we went over there, and coming back.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 2, 2016 14:26:31 GMT -5
Then let him start taking care of it NOW. On. his.own. By. himself. Pat, step away from this situation. Your DH is "not that type" because you've been that type all this time. He has not been here to take care of it. She's his mother. What part of "No, I'm done; it's time for you to pull up the big boy boxers and step into this" is not making sense to you? And if the son does get pissy and gets on your husband's case - fine, let them deal with it. Maybe they'll have a good old-fashioned duel: pistols at twenty paces. But they might surprise you. They might actually be able to talk about it and work something out. You're so involved in this, it's like trying to unravel all those holiday lights stored in the attic. You'd swear just storing them near each other wouldn't result in them getting tangled up. Your husband's distance in this situation may be a help, not a hindrance. He's coming at it with a fresh perspective, not looking for confrontation. Yep, let him handle his mother. It's ok if she doesn't bathe daily. What does the facility do with the other residents? There must be others who aren't bathing daily. Find out their routine and let them do their job.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 2, 2016 14:38:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry I don't see my husband getting his moms shower ready. nor picking out her undergarments, pad, and things, he would die of embarrassment.
She was trying to get her clothes and couldn't remember what she got and was piling up tops. Now I understand why she is putting the same clothes on she can't even figure out what she needs. I didn't invade her privacy in the bathroom so I hope she washed. We can pay them to help her but she will get angry and we are trying to keep her wanting to stay there long as we can. I mean she gets really mad, so far I've been the only one that can do anything with her when she gets that way. Once she is mad at me and stays that way and she will, we will get the facility to do it or the next facility. It is sad watching her decline.
Pat, your MIL is going to get mad, period. It's a change in her routine. At this point, it's not about wanting her to stay anywhere. She has no say in the decision at this point. From what you post, she is well beyond the point where she can make any decisions. And you cannot see your husband doing anything for his mom because 1) he hasn't had to to it, being away, and 2) you keep doing it because you think you're the only one who can manage her. Your husband needs to be allowed to step in and step up. Die of embarrassment? Not likely. She picked up plenty of his dirty nappies when he was a kid. Now it's his turn. You're leaving for Florida soon, right? Who will take care of things when you are not there? What if you have paid help, and she gets angry? What are you going to do about it from Florida? You're not dealing with your MIL as a personality anymore. There is no logic, no reason and no sense in her mind - all of that is dead and gone. There is the shell of the person, and some occasional flashes of what once made her who she is. The rest is in pieces, faded, destroyed. That's what dementia does. Your husband needs to see this and work through it, not run off again and hand it over to you because you can handle it. He knows you can handle it - that's the problem. As long as you keep stepping up, why should he?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 2, 2016 14:46:41 GMT -5
Probably because that's been their "deal." Now the deal has changed. He's got nowhere to go and they have to deal with each other.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 2, 2016 14:47:29 GMT -5
It's got to be incredibly stressful to try a lot of new normals all at once.
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