Please stop asking me

[muttleynfelix]

I am on my phone, so this may be a bit disjointed.

My cousin (dad's brother's daughter, about 5 years older than me) has been estranged from her parents for about 3 years. She had some struggles in her teens and twenties and they bailed her out a lot. She's been sober for over 10 years, got her degree, and has her life together. About 3 years for reasons she has not told me, she cut off contact with her parents. My best guesses are along the lines that she felt they were waiting for her to screw up again, her mom joined AA and it felt like she was too much in cousin's space, or just a lifetime of a codependent relationship that she felt needed better boundaries.

My dad and I have been in contact with her and I've seen her twice in the past year as we now live in the same state. When I see her, we do not talk about her parents. They know I have seen her and it is a comfort to them that she hasn't thrown family completely out the window. (She cut off contact with her brother too).

Cousin had back surgery on Thursday and my dad asked if he could tell her parents. She said yes, and said she wants to mend fences but doesn't know to how to do it. My dad let her parents know and now they are champing at the bit to go see her.

Her mother has been messaging me and asking me what I think. My cousin has not responded to any of the texts by the parents in the last week and the parents are just dying to know what to do. I told her mom have patience and know it isn't going to happen as quickly as they want.

Today her mom messaged me again asking when I thought cuz might message them back. Good grief. One, when I messaged her Saturday, that was the first day she was up to looking at her phone. Two, every time I have seen her or talked to her, I get the feeling I am just supposed to be her friend. That I don't need to go there with her. So I didn't ask.

I understand my aunt is anxious to see her daughter again. But her pushing everything is not going to help (IMO). It is just going to make my cousin think distance is the better move.

I wish my Aunt would stop trying to put me in the middle. Cuz was very clear that she didn't want to put my dad in the middle and I can't imagine she would be any happier with me I the middle.

I'm not sure I'm looking for advice. I asked my dad what to do. He'll probably talk to his brother to see if aunty will back off. I just need to vent.

[swamp]

And I'm seeing why she had to distance herself from them.

[cael]

I'd ignore her completely. If you need to respond, I'd tell her you aren't that involved so don't know, or that you are not interested in being an intermediary and she'll have to wait and talk to her daughter.

(I have no patience for family putting-someone-in-the-middle crap so that's just where I come from on this)

[Deleted]

Hopefully your Dad can get his brother to understand that if aunty doesn't settle down and stay settled down when/if there's contact with your cousin, it could ruin the chances of a truce.  I doubt being pushy or demanding will go over well in such a fragile situation. It's good that your cousin is willing to try to mend fences and I know her Mom is just anxious to be in contact with and possibly see her daughter, but I hope that doesn't get in the way of them repairing their relationship.

[muttleynfelix]

Dec 22, 2015 15:58:18 GMT -5 swamp said:

And I'm seeing why she had to distance herself from them.

I know!!! My aunt said "we just want to forget the past and get back together with her". Ummm yeah, that sounds healthy.

[muttleynfelix]

When my Aunt and Uncle moved over a year ago, they told my parents that cuz would be allowed to get some things before the auction they had "but she has to apologize first". It seems like that has thankfully gone by the wayside, but geez who says that if they really want to get back together with their kid.

[Tennesseer]

The parents need to sit back and wait for their daughter to make the first move no matter how light an effort it may be.  It could be just a greeting card exchange or meeting up for a cup of coffee at a coffee shop for just a short period of time.

The parents cannot push this.

[Ombud]

Or the parents could start with a holiday card, not one of those 40 in a box. No whining no finger pointing no asking for anything other than happy holidays. Too bad they cannot figure that out by themselves

[giramomma]

Dec 22, 2015 16:09:14 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

When my Aunt and Uncle moved over a year ago, they told my parents that cuz would be allowed to get some things before the auction they had "but she has to apologize first". It seems like that has thankfully gone by the wayside, but geez who says that if they really want to get back together with their kid.

My parents.

Honestly, if your cousin wants a relationship with her parents, I would really suggest working with a therapist. In an ideal world, I would actually suggest cousin and her own therapist with her parents and their therapist, and they all meet together. The therapists could help negotiate ground rules, etc.

Has your cousin talked to a therapist about mending fences? What is she going to do if her parents aren't able/interested in changing their behavior? Is she (your cousin) prepared for that? It's one thing to lose your parents when they pass. It's quite another to effectively lose your parents while everyone is still alive. 

[muttleynfelix]

Dec 22, 2015 18:25:52 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Dec 22, 2015 16:09:14 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

When my Aunt and Uncle moved over a year ago, they told my parents that cuz would be allowed to get some things before the auction they had "but she has to apologize first". It seems like that has thankfully gone by the wayside, but geez who says that if they really want to get back together with their kid.

My parents.

Honestly, if your cousin wants a relationship with her parents, I would really suggest working with a therapist. In an ideal world, I would actually suggest cousin and her own therapist with her parents and their therapist, and they all meet together. The therapists could help negotiate ground rules, etc.

Has your cousin talked to a therapist about mending fences? What is she going to do if her parents aren't able/interested in changing their behavior? Is she (your cousin) prepared for that? It's one thing to lose your parents when they pass. It's quite another to effectively lose your parents while everyone is still alive. 

I always get very sad when you talk about your parents.

I don't know what extent they are willing to go. My dad mentioned to my cousin counseling and I have always thought they are going to need a mediator to make sure cuz doesn't feel run over during reconciliation. Are they willing? I don't know. My dad gave them options to start with - AA and Church we'll see if they take that advice. My dad, sister and I all think counseling is a must to really move forward.

[milee]

Dec 22, 2015 19:01:57 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Dec 22, 2015 18:25:52 GMT -5 giramomma said:

My parents.

Honestly, if your cousin wants a relationship with her parents, I would really suggest working with a therapist. In an ideal world, I would actually suggest cousin and her own therapist with her parents and their therapist, and they all meet together. The therapists could help negotiate ground rules, etc.

Has your cousin talked to a therapist about mending fences? What is she going to do if her parents aren't able/interested in changing their behavior? Is she (your cousin) prepared for that? It's one thing to lose your parents when they pass. It's quite another to effectively lose your parents while everyone is still alive. 

I always get very sad when you talk about your parents.

I don't know what extent they are willing to go. My dad mentioned to my cousin counseling and I have always thought they are going to need a mediator to make sure cuz doesn't feel run over during reconciliation. Are they willing? I don't know. My dad gave them options to start with - AA and Church we'll see if they take that advice. My dad, sister and I all think counseling is a must to really move forward.

Counseling can be really helpful, but only if both parties are open to the counseling and willing to work on the issues.  Hopefully, the parents will realize that the approach of "forget everything and move on" may not be OK.  Counseling and working on change is really hard and not everybody is willing to do that.  My sister found that out when she wanted my mother to go to counseling with her.  My mother pretended not to remember any of the events that my sister described and denied that there were any issues at all.  So although my mother would probably tell a stranger she has no idea why none of her children talk to her or have a relationship with her and that she was very willing to go to counseling and that she has done everything she could to be a good mother... the reality was that she wasn't willing or able to participate in the counseling or do the work to change.  She could only do the "forget everything and move on" approach, while still repeating all the behavior that caused the rift in the first place.

Gira's points about cousin being prepared about what she'll do if the parents are unwilling or unable to change are good ones. 

[muttleynfelix]

So I didn't respond quick enough to my aunt and she texted my dad (who is feeling equally uncomfortable about her pushing). He once again recommended patience and mentioned counseling to the parents - looking at AA or their church to start.

We'll see if they manage to take that advice. I'm hoping that the kids and I can run over to see my cousin over New Year's if she is up for a visit. If it comes up, we'll talk, but I'm not going to push. I just want her to meet my DD and see my son for the first time in 4 years. They can be quite a hoot and I don't want to be home by myself with them for 4 days while my DH goes to see his brother again. .

[muttleynfelix]

Well, they have left my dad and I alone since Tuesday, but cousin did talk to her mom and dad and will be seeing them next month. Hopefully, they can leave us out of it and fix it now. But we shall see.