Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2015 12:58:15 GMT -5
You think you're being nice to tloony? Really? No one is nice to me! Have you heard me complaining? I have enough sweet and nice in my life. I need spicing! So carry on Bobby. Just try to be witty not just stupid mean... Oh I don't worry about you. But he sincerely seemed to think he was being nice and that surprised me.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 13, 2015 14:38:55 GMT -5
You need the mother's cooperation. She needs to be made to realise, and care, about the harm she is doing to her son. Then they can do counselling together and work on developing a healthier relationship for him. Oh, they love each other. But at times he goes off as a bomb because all this gets to him. She is the one who suggested to get another aid to free his time. Doesn't work. She made him take DL test but can't make him to pass...like he doesn't care himself. He isn't realizing what is he going to do when its her time. I was just wondering how many people like him and if anyone thought of something.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 13, 2015 15:28:49 GMT -5
It can happen very easily. I force myself to leave this place once a day. I'm not always successful and it's exhausting to do so. When I was caring for DH, I only left to do something for him. Everything revolved around him. After he died I had two things on my entire month calendar that had to do with me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 13, 2015 15:32:09 GMT -5
But his is definitely a mental illness. He needs counseling and maybe meds
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Dec 13, 2015 19:06:40 GMT -5
I hadn't realised they were in a bad neighbourhood. Could they move? Maybe somewhere smaller but better, with better public transport, or closer to the centre of town, so it would be easier for him to get out for a few hours?
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 13, 2015 19:38:39 GMT -5
First I'm really surprised he could be paid to give care to his mother. Here if it's government funded the caregiver can't be a relative. But it has given him work experience as a companion or caregiver for someone else. Doing it 9-5 is different than what he is doing now and he will get practise meeting new people. He can also get into a support group. They are usually free and you are meeting people that have an idea of what you are dealing with. The law differs in different states, later. Some states allow state funds to pay caregivers, others don't. If he was being paid by an agency, it's likely the agency was reimbursed by the state. He's fortunate to live in a state that does reimburse caregivers. Most states that do require the person to whom care is given to be eligible for Medicaid. Interesting stuff. I need to pass this info on to a DF of mine who will be providing care for a disabled parent and SIL. I don't think he needs the money, but he is incredibly deserving, since he is giving up a career to head back home to do it.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 13, 2015 19:48:03 GMT -5
You need the mother's cooperation. She needs to be made to realise, and care, about the harm she is doing to her son. Then they can do counselling together and work on developing a healthier relationship for him. Oh, they love each other. But at times he goes off as a bomb because all this gets to him. She is the one who suggested to get another aid to free his time. Doesn't work. She made him take DL test but can't make him to pass...like he doesn't care himself. He isn't realizing what is he going to do when its her time. I was just wondering how many people like him and if anyone thought of something. I think there are more folks out there like him that anyone realizes, especially now, because although people are living longer, they are living with illness and many medications now as well. When their money runs out, they turn to the younger generation for assistance, and that younger generation, perhaps having money issues as well (fewer well-paying jobs and more college debt), move in and take care of the older folks. Now both sides are kind of stuck, and neither can really let go of the other. Depending on their ethnic background, is there a group in the area that might interest him? For example, if he is German, find the local German-American club and look at their activities. Many ethnic groups have clubs where members can come in, speak with each other, eat foods they know, listen to music, lectures and films and just be social.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Dec 13, 2015 20:10:31 GMT -5
I know that in the UK caregivers can get paid to take care of their parents. Unfortunately there are quite a few of them.
There are even great scholarships for caregivers in the UK to go to college. (I saw this because DS3 is applying to college in the UK for next year.) It's very heartbreaking, because if these people are caring FT for an elderly or sick parent, going to college must be a real challenge, if not impossible. Not to be cynical or anything, but the British government is unlikely to go broke by offering that population a great scholarship / free ride (not sure which it is).
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Dec 13, 2015 22:17:44 GMT -5
What puzzles me is why he didn't obtain a drivers license back in high school, like most teens. That would have been before his parents became ill.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 14, 2015 8:25:22 GMT -5
If you've raised children to be brainwashed it's easy to manipulate them.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 14, 2015 10:27:11 GMT -5
I hadn't realised they were in a bad neighbourhood. Could they move? Maybe somewhere smaller but better, with better public transport, or closer to the centre of town, so it would be easier for him to get out for a few hours? No moving. House is a 3 story mess. Never been taken care of. Plus the neighborhood...
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 14, 2015 10:47:11 GMT -5
If you've raised children to be brainwashed it's easy to manipulate them. What?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 14, 2015 19:08:41 GMT -5
Don't tell me this mother hasn't F'd up her son on purpose so he'd never have a life of his own and leave home, like he should have. She's gotten what she wanted.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Dec 15, 2015 11:09:06 GMT -5
Oh, they love each other. But at times he goes off as a bomb because all this gets to him. She is the one who suggested to get another aid to free his time. Doesn't work. She made him take DL test but can't make him to pass...like he doesn't care himself. He isn't realizing what is he going to do when its her time. I was just wondering how many people like him and if anyone thought of something. I think there are more folks out there like him that anyone realizes, especially now, because although people are living longer, they are living with illness and many medications now as well. When their money runs out, they turn to the younger generation for assistance, and that younger generation, perhaps having money issues as well (fewer well-paying jobs and more college debt), move in and take care of the older folks. Now both sides are kind of stuck, and neither can really let go of the other. Depending on their ethnic background, is there a group in the area that might interest him? For example, if he is German, find the local German-American club and look at their activities. Many ethnic groups have clubs where members can come in, speak with each other, eat foods they know, listen to music, lectures and films and just be social. I agree. And I think there is a certain subset of parents who expect their children to dedicate their lives to taking care of them. Especially, if the adult child happens to be single. I second the suggestion of intensive counseling for both the mother and the son. Both parties are getting something out of that relationship psychologically, and I think it's going to take a significant shift in thinking to change that. The son may talk a good game, but I suspect he uses the fact he's his mothers caretaker as an excuse not to join the real world.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 15, 2015 11:16:38 GMT -5
A good parent would have insisted he get out.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Dec 15, 2015 11:31:07 GMT -5
A good parent would have insisted he get out. Most good parents don't want to see their child waste their life on being a caretaker for them. But, a lot of parents are selfish. And a lot of children feel obligated to their parents.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 15, 2015 12:08:45 GMT -5
A good parent would have insisted he get out. Most good parents don't want to see their child waste their life on being a caretaker for them. But, a lot of parents are selfish. And a lot of children feel obligated to their parents. I was asking about the ethnic background issue for another reason, besides his (hopefully) finding some outside interests related to his heritage. I wondered about how he was raised, and if she was from Europe or elsewhere outside the U.S., where customs and traditions are different. He may have found it acceptable to stay and take care of her, because where she comes from, that's what the younger generation does, and the older generation insists it's the only way. And even in the U.S., at least one cultural group, the Amish, do this as well. There are no Amish nursing homes. When a parent gets too old to live alone, they move in with one of their kids, and are cared for in that home. There is no question where they will spend their final days, and no reason to expect any outside entity to provide any other financial or emotional assistance.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 12:39:58 GMT -5
A good parent would have insisted he get out. Most good parents don't want to see their child waste their life on being a caretaker for them. But, a lot of parents are selfish. And a lot of children feel obligated to their parents. We don't know what kind of social struggles the boy had before his father got sick. He went off to college so they didn't always plan for him to stay home. He could have had issues all along that have nothing to do with his parents and they just didn't have the resources to deal with it with each of them getting so sick.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 15, 2015 14:36:34 GMT -5
Most good parents don't want to see their child waste their life on being a caretaker for them. But, a lot of parents are selfish. And a lot of children feel obligated to their parents. We don't know what kind of social struggles the boy had before his father got sick. He went off to college so they didn't always plan for him to stay home. He could have had issues all along that have nothing to do with his parents and they just didn't have the resources to deal with it with each of them getting so sick. zib is always have a harsh opinion about things. Is it hard to imagine woman 24/7 on oxygen unable to stand for more than 5 min. being scared and lost? Like anyone cn put themselves into her shoes!!! And they are americans (Ukrainian(father) and Irish French Dutch mother). Several generations ago. Nothing to fall on here.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 15, 2015 22:23:39 GMT -5
A parents job is to prepare their child to leave the nest. Not suck the life out of their child.
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