Young housebound man

[tloonya]

Ok, here is another one for you.

Young man 33 years old.
When he graduated HS and went to college his father fell ill.
So mom went to work and son started to take care of his father.
Left college. Then mom fell ill and he took care of both of them.
Father died and his mother needs 24 hours care. He is providing it for her.
The agency employing him as her caregiver and paying him for it.

The decision was made that they taking another aid person so the son
can get out of the house and have life. However guy wouldn't because
he has no friends. He knows no one except his mother. He is an awesome
person who is dreaming of things but he is all talk, no actions.
He is talking about big things that he wants to do but all he does is taking
care of his mom who is even unable to talk him into getting driver license.

Of course he is having an anxieties and stuff...and seeing by phsychologist...

I am just wondering how could he be helped if she needs him 24/7?
How is he going to be after mom's passing? Totally alone, unable and
no one to go to?

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 12, 2015 13:06:47 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Ok, here is another one for you.

Young man 33 years old.
When he graduated HS and went to college his father fell ill.
So mom went to work and son started to take care of his father.
Left college. Then mom fell ill and he took care of both of them.
Father died and his mother needs 24 hours care. He is providing it for her.
The agency employing him as her caregiver and paying him for it.

The decision was made that they taking another aid person so the son
can get out of the house and have life. However guy wouldn't because
he has no friends. He knows no one except his mother. He is an awesome
person who is dreaming of things but he is all talk, no actions.
He is talking about big things that he wants to do but all he does is taking
care of his mom who is even unable to talk him into getting driver license.

Of course he is having an anxieties and stuff...and seeing by phsychologist...

I am just wondering how could he be helped if she needs him 24/7?
How is he going to be after mom's passing? Totally alone, unable and
no one to go to?

Are you saying he was literally housebound 24/7? Never went outside to get the mail, buy groceries, get his hair cut or do any of the other things people need to do outside their homes? And that he never came in contact with other people besides his mother?  And did he never take time to eat or sleep? Who care for her then? That almost sounds like a very bad movie plot. The Lifetime Channel would certainly be interested in his story.

But yes, he does need help. And no, his mother does not need HIM 247; she needs assistance 24/7. It does not have to be him all the time. There are such things as respite care, Visiting Nurses, etc. If she gets very bad, she may have to go into a more advanced care situation, such as rehab, nursing home or hospice.

He has two issues: a lack of outside communication and a lack of job skills. A good psychologist can help with the first one, along with helping him readjust to the world. And since he started college but did not finish, he can return, apply the credits he has and finish the degree he started.

[tloonya]

Dec 12, 2015 14:52:49 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Dec 12, 2015 13:06:47 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Ok, here is another one for you.

Are you saying he was literally housebound 24/7? Never went outside to get the mail, buy groceries, get his hair cut or do any of the other things people need to do outside their homes? And that he never came in contact with other people besides his mother?  And did he never take time to eat or sleep? Who care for her then? That almost sounds like a very bad movie plot. The Lifetime Channel would certainly be interested in his story.

But yes, he does need help. And no, his mother does not need HIM 247; she needs assistance 24/7. It does not have to be him all the time. There are such things as respite care, Visiting Nurses, etc. If she gets very bad, she may have to go into a more advanced care situation, such as rehab, nursing home or hospice.

He has two issues: a lack of outside communication and a lack of job skills. A good psychologist can help with the first one, along with helping him readjust to the world. And since he started college but did not finish, he can return, apply the credits he has and finish the degree he started.

I forgot to mention. She is on oxygen 24/7 but she has portable and she does drive.
They go together but he has a scooter that needs to be assembled. Its a heavy thing.
So she needs him to get her into that scooter so she can drive around do shopping with
his help.

This is why they took an aid so he can be freed for half a day.
But he can't get out. He  has nowhere to go. He said library.
But never went because he was uneasy to go. Found 100 excuses.
HOW do people cope with such changes in their lives?

[NancysSummerSip]

They do not cope easily or well. That doesn't mean they cannot do it. I had a cousin in a somewhat similar situation. She grew up in an Orthodox Jewish household, very sheltered, knew nothing of the world outside the Orthodox community. She was married off at 17 to a Talmud student she had met only once before the wedding. The marriage lasted only two years; she could not handle being with someone who barely spoke to her, yet expected her to work like a slave in the house and do everything while all he did was study in the shul.

She left him and was able to obtain a divorce (they had no children, so the reason given for the divorce was that she was unable to conceive) and slowly move out into the non-Orthodox world. It was very hard - her family disowned her. She found a place in a home for displaced homemakers and went to college and nursing school, and still works as a nurse to this day.

This young man may need that kind of environment - a group setting that supports him, rather than trying to enter the social/dating world the usual ways people do. I'd suggest he go online to Meet Up, a general site that offers all kinds of group gatherings all over the country. He can look by location and interests and get to know people in a safe and friendly way.

[tloonya]

Dec 12, 2015 15:03:57 GMT -5 Robert not Bobby said:

"I am just wondering how could he be helped if she needs him 24/7?
How is he going to be after mom's passing? Totally alone, unable and
no one to go to?"

You know, you are kind of sweet and inventive in your own way...did daddy not love you?

Daddy wanted a girl and picked my name. And I am the only child.

[dannylion]

Does he know anything about vegetables? You could hire him to work in your store.

[Shooby]

  It is nice to offer a helping hand.  But, honestly, people who "talk big" are the ones who really make any efforts on their own to change their lives.  You can offer all the help and assistance in the world, but if he is unwilling to help himself there isn't much you can do.

[moon/Laura]

Robert not Bobby, you're about to wear out your welcome here - again. I'm tired of the superiority complex and the insults. It's almost a constant thing with you. Knock it off.

[Deleted]

First I'm really surprised he could be paid to give care to his mother. Here if it's government funded the caregiver can't be a relative. But it has given him work experience as a companion or caregiver for someone else. Doing it 9-5 is different than what he is doing now and he will get practise meeting new people. He can also get into a support group. They are usually free and you are meeting people that have an idea of what you are dealing with.

[Robert not Bobby]

Ok. moonbeam. Who has been complaining about me? I thought I was being nice? I don't know?

[mmhmm]

Dec 12, 2015 15:54:12 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

First I'm really surprised he could be paid to give care to his mother. Here if it's government funded the caregiver can't be a relative. But it has given him work experience as a companion or caregiver for someone else. Doing it 9-5 is different than what he is doing now and he will get practise meeting new people. He can also get into a support group. They are usually free and you are meeting people that have an idea of what you are dealing with.

The law differs in different states, later. Some states allow state funds to pay caregivers, others don't. If he was being paid by an agency, it's likely the agency was reimbursed by the state. He's fortunate to live in a state that does reimburse caregivers. Most states that do require the person to whom care is given to be eligible for Medicaid.

[mmhmm]

Dec 12, 2015 15:54:33 GMT -5 Robert not Bobby said:

Ok. moonbeam. Who has been complaining about me? I thought I was being nice? I don't know?

I'll try to help you "know", Robert. This thread is about a young man who's acting as caregiver for his disabled mother. Its purpose is not to give you a bully pulpit from which to opine about other posters, whether it's the poster of the title post, or any other poster. Most here, I'm sure, don't really care much what your opinions of them, or others, might be. I do hope that helps you sort things out.

[Deleted]

Dec 12, 2015 15:54:33 GMT -5 Robert not Bobby said:

Ok. moonbeam. Who has been complaining about me? I thought I was being nice? I don't know?

You think you're being nice to tloony? Really?

[moon/Laura]

Robert, if someone complained, I'd never tell you who it was. Not to mention, I'm perfectly capable of noticing your insults all on my own.

All the years I've "known" you, you've always had the same elevated sense of self worth and ginormous ego. You talk down to people and then act like you don't understand what you could have possibly said to get feathers ruffled.

[Robert not Bobby]

Dec 12, 2015 16:05:44 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Dec 12, 2015 15:54:33 GMT -5 Robert not Bobby said:

Ok. moonbeam. Who has been complaining about me? I thought I was being nice? I don't know?

I'll try to help you "know", Robert. This thread is about a young man who's acting as caregiver for his disabled mother. Its purpose is not to give you a bully pulpit from which to opine about other posters, whether it's the poster of the title post, or any other poster. Most here, I'm sure, don't really care much what your opinions of them, or others, might be. I do hope that helps you sort things out.

Thank you...I didn't really know. I mean no disrespect to anyone. I am not that kind of man.

[Robert not Bobby]

"Robert, if someone complained, I'd never tell you who it was. Not to mention, I'm perfectly capable of noticing your insults all on my own.

All the years I've "known" you, you've always had the same elevated sense of self worth and ginormous ego. You talk down to people and then act like you don't understand what you could have possibly said to get feathers ruffled."

Am I really that kind of person? Maybe I need to self examine more. Sorry...I will get out of here.

[moon/Laura]

I simply think you need to consider more how your comments might be taken by the recipient. Insinuating that loony's father may not have loved her was pretty low.

Not only that, but it had nothing to do with the topic. You made your posts about her. Not cool.

[debthaven]

Am I really that kind of person? Maybe I need to self examine more. Sorry...I will get out of here.

Visibly, yes, you are. You prove it repeatedly, and often. Yes, maybe you do. But self-examining is only as good as the person doing it, and after reading you for a long time, I have little faith in your self-awareness.

If you could get out of the WIR decluttering / organising thread as well, that would be great. That thread has been going on for many years and we certainly don't need somebody stepping in when they are bored on weekends, admitting that they haven't read the thread, and telling us that we are "hoarders" and that we have "an affliction".

After years on that thread I'm guessing most of our homes are far more organised and uncluttered than yours. Trust me, nobody on that thread cares what you think of us, and nobody on that thread appreciates your unwelcome and condescending comments. 

[debthaven]

Loony, sorry for derailing your thread. 

Are there any friends / neighbours / parents' friends who could take him out when he leaves the house? I know it's not ideal for a young man but at least he wouldn't be alone, and maybe he'd get more used to leaving the house to go to certain places. Hopefully over time he'd build up more confidence and be less scared to go to those places (and ideally other places) alone. 

Otherwise I agree with the others, a support group for caregivers would be a good place to start. 

[Deleted]

Loony... unfortunately this all seems to have started for boy when he was in the stage when he should have been solidifying independence and developing intimate relationships, and instead he has taken on a very isolating role. It isn't something he can't overcome, but I can see why he is hesitant to be starting at this age. I agree that maybe he needs a different therapist...  oh and a support group sounds like a great idea too.

Robert... its hard to determine tone online. Maybe you don't intend to come across as you do some times?  I myself have to work, irl as well, at not just being as blunt as is my instinct to be... I don't intend it to be rude or mean, but I can definitely come across that way... It can be even harder online.

[tloonya]

Dec 12, 2015 15:34:24 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  It is nice to offer a helping hand.  But, honestly, people who "talk big" are the ones who really make any efforts on their own to change their lives.  You can offer all the help and assistance in the world, but if he is unwilling to help himself there isn't much you can do.

It is certainly seems this way that he is just stuck!
He bought a huge grille and assembled it on the porch
where he had never sat since porch furniture was bought.
Also he bought a smoker. And it is just 2 of them.
Also he bought 2 $600 worth bikes and talking about
joining bycicle club. Never done it. We are trying to incourage
him but he says 'I will, I will'...

I am just wondering if he is going to turn into a weirdo when
she is gone and will stay home. Wish there was a way to snap
him out of it. Every aid who comes to help he gets rid of.
Because he said they don't like him...
The saddest part is that he had no choice. He was in this by
the fact that he was born...

I am wondering if he said I will not take care of her full time
(because 2 sisters just left and disappeared without visiting ever)
what would had happened.

[tloonya]

Dec 12, 2015 15:16:14 GMT -5 dannylion said:

Does he know anything about vegetables? You could hire him to work in your store.

Which part of 'he takes care of his mother 24/7' you didn't understand?
No, seriously?

[tloonya]

Dec 12, 2015 15:54:12 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

First I'm really surprised he could be paid to give care to his mother. Here if it's government funded the caregiver can't be a relative. But it has given him work experience as a companion or caregiver for someone else. Doing it 9-5 is different than what he is doing now and he will get practise meeting new people. He can also get into a support group. They are usually free and you are meeting people that have an idea of what you are dealing with.

Here in PA they are encouraging you to care for relatives for pay and the pay usually is higher than for non-relative. It saves them headache to keep those people at facilities.

[tloonya]

Dec 12, 2015 16:15:38 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Dec 12, 2015 15:54:33 GMT -5 Robert not Bobby said:

Ok. moonbeam. Who has been complaining about me? I thought I was being nice? I don't know?

You think you're being nice to tloony? Really?

No one is nice to me!
Have you heard me complaining?
I have enough sweet and nice in my life.
I need spicing! So carry on Bobby.
Just try to be witty not just stupid mean...

[tloonya]

Dec 12, 2015 16:37:54 GMT -5 moon/Laura said:

I simply think you need to consider more how your comments might be taken by the recipient. Insinuating that loony's father may not have loved her was pretty low.

Not only that, but it had nothing to do with the topic. You made your posts about her. Not cool.

See, when we are talking about issue sensitive as this one and one comes, shits in the corner and giggling about it - just ignore them. Who cares? Its not even related to the topic.
You have to know how to make quality fun or insults. He doesn't

[tloonya]

Dec 12, 2015 18:41:13 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Loony, sorry for derailing your thread. 

Are there any friends / neighbours / parents' friends who could take him out when he leaves the house? I know it's not ideal for a young man but at least he wouldn't be alone, and maybe he'd get more used to leaving the house to go to certain places. Hopefully over time he'd build up more confidence and be less scared to go to those places (and ideally other places) alone. 

Otherwise I agree with the others, a support group for caregivers would be a good place to start. 

See, once I came to sit with her so he can go to library. He never went.
He wanted to chit-chat and I was saying 'out the door young man' and he
said he has to clean his room. I said 'later' he said no I HAVE to do it NOW.

There aren't any friends. They are living in the scary unwelcome neighborhood
that used to be very nice. So he hates to walk around it.
And he doesn't leave the house unless with mom shopping, dr. apt, etc...

I once sat with her and her oxygen stopped for no apparent reason.
So she yelled for him and he ran and found line simply disconnected/
So if he wasn't home she would be dead.

[tloonya]

Support group is a good idea. He needs to GET THERE somehow.
And while he is there with a group his Mom might be needing him
for anything...it had been going on for so long so she doesn't even
realizing how often she calls him for this or that. They both are
co-dependent. Is there break in this? I don't see how.

[tloonya]

I am just looking for him to find way out of it and I had been wrecking my brain and can't think of ANYTHING!!! So frustrating.

Before you advise further just remember - it is not a safe neighborhood to walk around and he doesn't drive.

[Tennesseer]

I feel sorry for this young man. His parents and their health issues (physical and psychological) have literally consumed him to the point he is non-functional in society.

Whatever this man learned in the art of socializing during his pre-parents' issues period (if he learned anything at all) will have to be learned all over again. Intensive one-on-one counseling will be required even before the eventual passing of his mother. He will not handle her death well at all as his whole world has revolved around her. She is his only world.

Whether he will seek psychiatric counseling along with attending support groups for several of his existing issues remains to be seen. He has to want to do it and it is not a given he will initiate the help he needs.

[Deleted]

You need the mother's cooperation. She needs to be made to realise, and care, about the harm she is doing to her son. Then they can do counselling together and work on developing a healthier relationship for him.