MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 10, 2015 12:25:47 GMT -5
last night as I was cooking I realized I left a couple of things in the car. DS was with me, so I had to make him put his shoes and coat back on so we could get out to the car. (I'm in an apartment now, so there was no way I was leaving him in there by himself for that amount of time.) To make it "fun", we raced to the car and then back to the apartment door. He "won" getting to the car and I "won" getting to the house. He whined a bit about wanting to win getting to the house, but I told him it was okay because we both won one time. I thought it was okay because he didn't say anything more, but 3 mins later he was laying on the floor crying - with real tears! - because he didn't win both times. And he cried on and off about it for about 20-30 mins! And he brought it up again this morning!
I think this is a good time to teach him that you don't always win and that it's okay, because we're all great at something but no one is great at everything. Can anyone relate?
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Dec 10, 2015 12:28:02 GMT -5
Yes, we went through that phase with DS. He's better now but will occasionally make a face if we're playing tag and he doesn't "win". I raise my eyebrow and he calms down.
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ken a.k.a OMK
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Post by ken a.k.a OMK on Dec 10, 2015 12:30:15 GMT -5
Oh yes. I see it with my gs's, 7 and 9. So let him go and work it out. Then after he's calmed down you can explain it to him, but it'll happen again.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Dec 10, 2015 12:30:47 GMT -5
Tell him to try harder next time. Losing sucks. And he should hate it.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Dec 10, 2015 12:32:59 GMT -5
Some of the stuff we talked about with DS was, people with longer legs have a better chance at running faster, someone will always be better than you at stuff, sometimes you will be better than a different person but you shouldn't flaunt that (being a gracious winner is a good trait to have), your friends won't want to race you, etc if you complain about losing.
Really, I am 99% sure he never acted like that at school, I think it was only at home when he felt safe enough to have his meltdown.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 10, 2015 12:39:53 GMT -5
Some of the stuff we talked about with DS was, people with longer legs have a better chance at running faster, someone will always be better than you at stuff, sometimes you will be better than a different person but you shouldn't flaunt that (being a gracious winner is a good trait to have), your friends won't want to race you, etc if you complain about losing.
Really, I am 99% sure he never acted like that at school, I think it was only at home when he felt safe enough to have his meltdown. I said some of that stuff to him, but he just kept on crying that he wanted to win both. I suspect X always lets him win stuff. I had up until that point but I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't. I'm glad I did what I did - now I know what we need to work on. I just shot X an email that we need to have him practice losing more (not all the time) just so he learns how to take it more gracefully.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 12:41:56 GMT -5
Both my kids did this and at age 5 younger still does. Older son eventually just outgrew it and I kick his ass in stuff all the time now without him getting upset.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 12:47:49 GMT -5
Not too long ago my nine-year-old grandson challenged DH to chess. DH let him play for awhile and then beat him. Then we saw the tears.
I then let him beat me at checkers.
You win some and lose some.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Dec 10, 2015 12:48:13 GMT -5
DS1 is this way. Doesn't matter if he sits and does something else during a race, he's still upset if younger brother ever beats him. Big tears/upset over it. Doesn't matter if he just won 9 out of the 10 previous races. Plus, everything is a race unless he thinks he can't win, then it can't be a race. Whatever!
He was upset the other night because the other kids are all faster than him on the playground at recess. He's more of a distance runner, like his dad. I'm not sure what to do about that. That kind of stuff tends to be important for boys. I told him we need to practice to get better, but we all have things that we do better than others, and other things that others are better at.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 10, 2015 12:54:00 GMT -5
Do we ever actually become not sore losers or do we get better at hiding it?
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cael
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Post by cael on Dec 10, 2015 12:59:44 GMT -5
Do we ever actually become not sore losers or do we get better at hiding it? This! My 13yo nephew is the sorest loser you will EVER meet, has been that way since he could walk and talk. He's usually very good at everything and absolutely cannot stand losing, and always finds a reason it isn't his fault when he loses. He isn't great at managing it (but has gotten better), is very sarcastic and he allows the attitude to get him in trouble sometimes, but for example he never plays games with his girlfriend, because he knows if he loses he'll get pissed. At least he realizes that much?
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Dec 10, 2015 12:59:53 GMT -5
My friend had this issue with her 4 year old. Child is female. If she didn't win in a game or anything even slightly competitive, she had a meltdown. My friend took her to a child psychologist. I'm not into that babble-de-gook usually, but what the psychologist said did make a bit of sense.
Think for a minute of being 4 years old. You are told how to dress, when to dress, where you are going, what you are eating - you life is pretty much controlled by someone else 24/7. There just aren't that many options. The psychologist told my friend that "winning" was a feeling of power and control and that at that age, they need sometimes to feel like they are in control.
Don't know if that's true or not, but it does make sense because I get pretty crabby and upset when I'm feeling out of control and powerless, too..
ETA: Her answer was to give her little one more choices so the little felt like she had some control over her life. Things like "Do you want to wear this or this?" or "Do you want spaghetti or steak for supper." They were all options the mom could live with and the child got to feel a little bit like she was making some decisions in her life.
Friend says she's better. I don't know if its the choice thing or if she's growing out of that stage.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 10, 2015 13:00:34 GMT -5
I'm pretty competitive by nature. I think I've gotten a lot better at losing. I'm not great or super gracious, but at least I don't curse or throw stuff or turn off the game. Anymore. But I'm also not a sore winner either, so it's kind of a weird combination.
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ken a.k.a OMK
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They killed Kenny, the bastards.
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Post by ken a.k.a OMK on Dec 10, 2015 13:08:34 GMT -5
I'm 68 and don't hide losing well. We've been playing the board game Parcheesi with our son and gs's. The game dynamics change so quickly with sending pieces back that the boys don't worry if someone is ahead. They found out it doesn't last long.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 13:10:47 GMT -5
My nephew threw a fit twice, once when his cousin and myself beat his him and his cousin in 2-2 football and another when I smoked him in Call of Duty. He was used to beating his dad in everything. I established very quickly that I wasn't going to let him win and when he finally does beat me it will mean something.
Losing is good at that age, I'm sick of the "everyone gets a trophy" mentality that exists in some places. The real world ain't like that and you can use it as a teachable moment.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 10, 2015 13:13:39 GMT -5
My friend had this issue with her 4 year old. Child is female. If she didn't win in a game or anything even slightly competitive, she had a meltdown. My friend took her to a child psychologist. I'm not into that babble-de-gook usually, but what the psychologist said did make a bit of sense.
Think for a minute of being 4 years old. You are told how to dress, when to dress, where you are going, what you are eating - you life is pretty much controlled by someone else 24/7. There just aren't that many options. The psychologist told my friend that "winning" was a feeling of power and control and that at that age, they need sometimes to feel like they are in control.
Don't know if that's true or not, but it does make sense because I get pretty crabby and upset when I'm feeling out of control and powerless, too..
ETA: Her answer was to give her little one more choices so the little felt like she had some control over her life. Things like "Do you want to wear this or this?" or "Do you want spaghetti or steak for supper." They were all options the mom could live with and the child got to feel a little bit like she was making some decisions in her life.
Friend says she's better. I don't know if its the choice thing or if she's growing out of that stage.
I can see that, but we've slowly been giving him more and more input as he got older. Usually I'll give him two options on what shirt to wear (I pick the pants). I'll let him pick which 2-3 books to read before bed. I gave him suggestions, but I let him do his own tree ornament placement without too much interference. I also give him a choice of which winding-down show to watch before bed. He's been given more and more say in what he does, so I don't think that's really DS's issue.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 10, 2015 13:26:41 GMT -5
My more strong-willed children are competitive and can be sore losers. When DD1 was about 3 or 4, it got so that I wouldn't play board games with her. She'd cheat when you weren't looking. Or even if you were looking. Or she'd try to build a lawyer's case as to which number was correct when the spinner landed on the line in between two different numbers, picking the number that most benefited her. And the tears. She'd quit mid-game if she thought she couldn't win. DD1 has outgrown it now for the most part. The only way we get DD2 up to bed in less than 5 minutes is we say "Race you first one to your room wins.!" Otherwise, if we let her, she'd stall and take an hour to climb up 10 stairs and walk 15 feet, all while flashing us the naughty smile. DS is a much more laid back creature. Of course he'd like to win, but the outcome is secondary to the journey of playing a game. When he was 4, he wanted to learn how to play Monopoly (not the kid one, the adult one...). Learning the rules, etc was more interesting to him. Same thing when he's out playing sports in school. He's got amazing sportsmanship and cares about following the rules...
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Dec 10, 2015 13:27:54 GMT -5
Do we ever actually become not sore losers or do we get better at hiding it? Well, when you lose as much as I do you kind of get used to it
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 10, 2015 13:29:14 GMT -5
Whenever I play a game with Gwen she tells me exactly what moves to make. .. so she can make sure I lose and she wins.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Dec 10, 2015 13:34:20 GMT -5
Dh is 36 and a sore loser. He was mad yesterday when I beat him in rock/paper/scissors so he had to walk to the kitchen to get potato chips.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Dec 10, 2015 14:06:34 GMT -5
Dh is 36 and a sore loser. He was mad yesterday when I beat him in rock/paper/scissors so he had to walk to the kitchen to get potato chips. LOL, you beat me to it!
Both my 57 year old DH and his 81 year old mother are sore losers. Their style is to change the rules so they win.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Dec 10, 2015 14:19:28 GMT -5
My cousin is about 6 years younger than my brothers and I so as kids we beat her playing checkers. Her mom got mad that we didn't let her win. I was a very bad loser as a child now I don't even care about scores on games. Being too tired makes it worse.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 10, 2015 16:38:31 GMT -5
Ugh, losing is the worst.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Dec 10, 2015 16:49:21 GMT -5
I loathe losing. But mostly only when my DH beats me. He's a gracious winner--unless he's winning to me. Not that I'm the most gracious winner with him. I was on the tail end of the group who only got trophies/ribbons for actually winning. So I get it, not every one wins. Maybe that's part of why I'm super competitive-I wanted that trophy! But my parents/grandparents/cousins sure didn't me win at everything growing up. I was good at finagling it so that we were doing things I was really good at so I had a good chance of winning though. LOL
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 10, 2015 17:19:08 GMT -5
MJ2.0-remind your son (at least when it comes to racing you) there is a size and age difference between the two of you right now and some day he will be able to beat you in both races when he is older, bigger and stronger. And assure he he will be older, bigger and stronger.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 17:26:59 GMT -5
My more strong-willed children are competitive and can be sore losers. When DD1 was about 3 or 4, it got so that I wouldn't play board games with her. She'd cheat when you weren't looking. Or even if you were looking. Or she'd try to build a lawyer's case as to which number was correct when the spinner landed on the line in between two different numbers, picking the number that most benefited her. And the tears. She'd quit mid-game if she thought she couldn't win... I stopped playing games with my son too, because he would cheat. He was older than 3 or 4 though. My daughter wouldn't play games with him either, for the same reason. I was a sore loser when I was a a child. I don't remember ever actually crying or having a temper tantrum about it, but I hated to lose. I don't think anyone likes to lose, but I stopped having a bad attitude about it some time before I became an adult. I do still tend to get irritated if I lose to someone that takes friendly competition far too seriously or gloats about winning. I won't knowingly compete with people like that unless it's something I'm pretty good at. Other than that, I'm fairly good-natured about losing in a friendly competition. So there is hope for kids that are sore losers.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 17:40:31 GMT -5
MJ2.0 -remind your son (at least when it comes to racing you) there is a size and age difference between the two of you right now and some day he will be able to beat you in both races when he is older, bigger and stronger. And assure he he will be older, bigger and stronger. I use to race my kids down our street. There came a day when my son was real competition and then the day when I could no longer out run him. He joined the track team his last year of middle school and broke the school's record on the 2 mile race (I can't remember what they call that race) that same season. His first year of high school (2nd year running track), he went to the city's high school finals. I didn't feel so bad about him being able to outrun his Momma when he started winning track meets in middle school with little to no training.
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Robert not Bobby
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Post by Robert not Bobby on Dec 10, 2015 18:14:08 GMT -5
last night as I was cooking I realized I left a couple of things in the car. DS was with me, so I had to make him put his shoes and coat back on so we could get out to the car. (I'm in an apartment now, so there was no way I was leaving him in there by himself for that amount of time.) To make it "fun", we raced to the car and then back to the apartment door. He "won" getting to the car and I "won" getting to the house. He whined a bit about wanting to win getting to the house, but I told him it was okay because we both won one time. I thought it was okay because he didn't say anything more, but 3 mins later he was laying on the floor crying - with real tears! - because he didn't win both times. And he cried on and off about it for about 20-30 mins! And he brought it up again this morning! I think this is a good time to teach him that you don't always win and that it's okay, because we're all great at something but no one is great at everything. Can anyone relate? From what I've read, I think you are a great Mom and he is is a terrific son. Oh yeah, that other stuff...tell him that we are all the same but some can do things better than others, and that's Ok. We are all born with different talents.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 10, 2015 18:21:06 GMT -5
If he is like my kids, he'll get used to it.
My oldest used to have full blown temper tantrums (with crying, throwing himself on the floor, etc) when he was that age.
Now, he loves playing chess with my Dad the most bc my Dad doesn't just let him win.
I think it's the age/phase thing, but it definitely should be addressed bc it takes time for them to get used to it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 10, 2015 18:39:51 GMT -5
Maybe he was upset about something else and this is how it manifested?
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