Family Drama or Why I Keep my Distance

[Bonny]

We drove back from the cabin last night. I haven't enabled my smartphone with e-mail (don't ask) and therefore found an e-mail from my eldest nephew this morning advising me that my brother kicked out my niece about a month ago. My niece is 17 and in her senior year of HS. Neither my brother or niece have contacted me.

Eldest nephew stated that my brother has refused to let my niece get her stuff. Apparently nephew #2 took her and police report has been filed. According to nephew my bro's parental rights have been terminated and niece is with her mother. FWIW I don't think nephew has all his facts in order as 4 weeks seems too short for this process (don't parental rights have to be terminated via the court system?). Supposedly bro's wife (#2) "went crazy and hit <niece> and then fell down".

I am somewhat skeptical about what happened. I remember about four years ago my brother stating that he got custody of his two youngest because apparently his (first) wife had a violent temper and was selling items that were for the benefit of niece (china and jewelry). At the time I told bro to take some of niece's comments with a grain of salt as conflicts between mother's and teenage daughters can be full of drama.

If I thought my niece was truly in danger I would be more involved. However since neither party has contacted me directly I'm staying out of it but I'm very sad about the situation.

[debthaven]

Bonny why don't you just call your niece to see how she is/talk to her?

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Can you call the particular police department and inquire whether your involvement is truly warranted?

[bobosensei]

Eh, I'd stay out of it too.  She's with her mom, and she is old enough to know to call you if she really was in a bad spot and knew you were the only sane relative.  Are the nephews old enough to take her in if necessary?

[Bonny]

Dec 6, 2015 13:34:57 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Bonny why don't you just call your niece to see how she is/talk to her?

Well it's apparently been 4 weeks. She has my e-mail address and cell. If she wanted me involved I'd think she would have reached out to me herself rather than my nephew.

I last heard from her about six weeks ago. It was kind of a strange e-mail with her telling me that she lost her Barista job and wondering if I (finally) received her thank you note. I had the feeling that she was try to chastise me for not acknowledging her (late!) thank you note. I was polite and sent her an encouraging note but I have to admit I was kinda of irked. It felt like a little tit for tat. I blew it off as teenager behavior which is probably why I'm keeping my distance until I'm directly asked.

[debthaven]

Fair enough, Bonny. 

[Bonny]

Dec 6, 2015 14:13:33 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Can you call the particular police department and inquire whether your involvement is truly warranted?

I'm not being asked to be involved directly. Nephew #1 was advising me of what happened and thought it would be a good idea for me to list the gifts of jewelry gave her so she can retrieve them. He sounds a little paranoid that my brother and/or his wife might have taken them. I've already advised her (when I gave the pieces to her) and now him that financially they aren't very valuable. They are sentimental items appropriate for a young woman but there's no reason that my brother or his wife would want them. We're talking MAYBE $100 value.

You might recall that neither nephew #1 or #2 speak to Bro because "there's too much drama" in his life.

[Bonny]

Dec 6, 2015 14:25:41 GMT -5 bobosensei said:

Eh, I'd stay out of it too.  She's with her mom, and she is old enough to know to call you if she really was in a bad spot and knew you were the only sane relative.  Are the nephews old enough to take her in if necessary?

They are in their mid 20s. Nephew #1 probably couldn't. Nephew #2 probably could.

It's just a shame this is happening in her senior year.

The divorce between my bro and wife #1 was pretty acrimonious. I think the two younger kids got sucked into the drama. Apparently both of them have spent a lot time in the school counselor's office for acting out.

[bobosensei]

Dec 6, 2015 14:48:02 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Dec 6, 2015 14:25:41 GMT -5 bobosensei said:

Eh, I'd stay out of it too.  She's with her mom, and she is old enough to know to call you if she really was in a bad spot and knew you were the only sane relative.  Are the nephews old enough to take her in if necessary?

They are in their mid 20s. Nephew #1 probably couldn't. Nephew #2 probably could.

It's just a shame this is happening in her senior year.

The divorce between my bro and wife #1 was pretty acrimonious. I think the two younger kids got sucked into the drama. Apparently both of them have spent a lot time in the school counselor's office for acting out.

It is a shame that it happened before she can be self supporting.  My home life was a roller coaster the entire time I was in high school, but I wasn't in physical danger.  After I came home the first summer after college and was miserable I vowed never again.  I found ways to stay at school.  Took 2 summers of classes, just enough to qualify for housing, which of course cost me a little in loans, but was worth it for my mental health.  I would go back and visit, for a week or so on each end of summer when the dorms were closed and of course at Christmas otherwise I stayed away and out of the drama.  Honestly it was the best thing for me.  Saved me from becoming codependent I think.  I was able to separate myself from the drama and start living a normal life.  Hopefully this will be the case for your niece too.  She just needs to keep her head down for now and stay focused on school.  Hopefully you don't hear too much more about this.  If she hasn't reached out it makes me think the nephews are making this into more than it is.  If they got used to acting out all the time during the divorce then this is just another way for them to get attention for themselves. 

[Bonny]

Yeah, mine was too. Verbal and substance abuse but no real physical abuse. When I was younger my mother would have the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum and would throw dishes and out my bookcases including breaking my toys if I didn't clean my room fast enough or to her specifications. Scary as a young child but nothing was ever thrown AT me.

I have the feeling that my niece did something; maybe stayed over at a boyfriend's house, bad mouthed my "new" SIL, threatened to move out or something. And Bro said "Fine you're out of here" and it escalated from there.

This wouldn't be the first time the police were called. Bro told me about two years ago that he called the police when Nephew #3 started hitting him. Both are big; 6'2" + and bro said he knew if he touched the kid CPS would have been called. Bro also said niece said she'd commit suicide if Nephew #3 went to jail (meaning juvenile detention center). I was told all of this months after the fact.

Sad, mixed up family. And I think you're right @bobsensei. I think my nephews are protective of their sister but I also think they maybe fanning the flames with Bro because they are still angry at him for leaving their mother.

[CCL]

Dec 6, 2015 14:42:25 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Dec 6, 2015 14:13:33 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Can you call the particular police department and inquire whether your involvement is truly warranted?

I'm not being asked to be involved directly. Nephew #1 was advising me of what happened and thought it would be a good idea for me to list the gifts of jewelry gave her so she can retrieve them. He sounds a little paranoid that my brother and/or his wife might have taken them. I've already advised her (when I gave the pieces to her) and now him that financially they aren't very valuable. They are sentimental items appropriate for a young woman but there's no reason that my brother or his wife would want them. We're talking MAYBE $100 value.

You might recall that neither nephew #1 or #2 speak to Bro because "there's too much drama" in his life.

A hundred bucks is still a lot of money to many people. Or maybe it's some kind of spite thing going on?

[Bonny]

Dec 6, 2015 20:57:10 GMT -5 CCL said:

Dec 6, 2015 14:42:25 GMT -5 Bonny said:

I'm not being asked to be involved directly. Nephew #1 was advising me of what happened and thought it would be a good idea for me to list the gifts of jewelry gave her so she can retrieve them. He sounds a little paranoid that my brother and/or his wife might have taken them. I've already advised her (when I gave the pieces to her) and now him that financially they aren't very valuable. They are sentimental items appropriate for a young woman but there's no reason that my brother or his wife would want them. We're talking MAYBE $100 value.

You might recall that neither nephew #1 or #2 speak to Bro because "there's too much drama" in his life.

A hundred bucks is still a lot of money to many people. Or maybe it's some kind of spite thing going on?

Could be. I thought that Nephew #1 thought the stuff I gave her was valuable so I wanted to clear that up. Could be the mom was stirring things up too. When my mom died (now) ex-SIL made claims for my mom's wedding set and china on behalf of her daughter (my niece). SIL wanted to take a look at her other jewelry for herself. I gave the requested items as I certainly didn't need them and wanted to keep them in the family (we don't have kids ourselves). But I went through the rest of my mom's jewelry and kept the stuff I liked. I wonder if Ex SIL thinks the stuff I gave niece came from my mother's estate.