moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Nov 10, 2015 2:13:29 GMT -5
First, I totally get their perspective and desire to be together. I am not inflexible and often go with the flow. There are not many things where I dig my heels in, but this is one of them. IL's have been divorced since H was 6 years old. He and his siblings bounced around from house to house on the holidays forever. Enter me and ours was one more house for him to go to. Thus, when we got married and had our own home, I hosted so that he and his sibs didn't have to bounce around. It's been the tradition for nearly 10 years now. While I have no issue with his family choosing a different route this year, I will NOT engage in the bouncing around nor have my kids feel that same burden and obligation to make a million people happy. Secondly, Thanksgiving is the ONE holiday tradition that I have with my family. We spend ALL other holidays with H's side of the family. And I mean ALL. Not to mention that we see them at least 2-3X's a week for other get togethers, family dinner, birthdays, etc. We are certainly not lacking for time with that side of the family.
As for H taking the kids when he goes, a few problems for me. First, there is surely an element of me not wanting to be accommodating. It's a holiday and they're my kids. I shouldn't have to adjust my plans to make others happy with my children. Secondly, H has horrible time management. He is not cognizant of the clock and I won't sit around waiting for him to bring the kids back. Secondly, DS1 (who is old enough to articulate his thoughts very clearly) stated to both of us that he wants to stay at his own home that day. Again, I don't feel like I need to oblige or make him go to make others happy (enter famous guilt trips) - it's just unnecessary. DS2 is barely three months old. He's nursing frequently and again, I don't feel like I need to inconvenience myself so someone else can see him.
H was not willing to set a boundary with his family since the beginning of time. I was young and naive and didn't realize how problematic that is. It continues to be a major issue and source of frustration for me. I don't know that we will ever work it out. That said, however, I am not a difficult person. I rarely give a decisive NO and really try to work to find a balance and be equitable. This time, it just isn't happening. The road goes two ways and I have not felt one iota of consideration from his family - this conversation has all been about them, and how I am being selfish to keep my kids from them for one flipping day. I am over it and I am putting my foot down on this. I still haven't replied to the last message because I still can't come up with nice enough words.
There's some other things at play right now too, which is just compounding my anger with H and his family, but not worth getting into right now. I simply don't have the emotional energy to continue with the toil and nonsense to deal with any of them right now.
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mamasita99
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Post by mamasita99 on Nov 10, 2015 4:29:52 GMT -5
Well, jeez, I didn't know you saw his family 2-3x week, they can survive one day without your kids! Or they can come to your house if they can't stand the void. If it's your only holiday "sacred cow" I feel you are entitled to it. Dh needs to step up, though, and have your back. I agree with not wanting DH to take the kids to the earlier dinner. I have an ex who was not very smart with time, and he would always wait til the last second and then try to rush to the next appointment. Only to run into traffic. Or something else obvious to the rest of the world but apparently not him. Because rush hour in DC on a Friday afternoon is totally unexpected?! Eh, don't sweat it. Politely stick to your plans so it doesn't become a mud flinging situation.
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truthbound
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Post by truthbound on Nov 10, 2015 5:51:00 GMT -5
They don't at my house.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Nov 11, 2015 20:59:31 GMT -5
....and so it starts. I get out work to a vm from my sis - we need to figure out T-day plans. well, I work at a pharmaceutical manufacturing plant and my shift is Mon-Thurs. we are currently in shutdown, and I have no idea what days I may have to work that weekend, including the Thursday. I typically work a 4x10h week, which will include the Wed before. the last thing I want to do on my first day off (if I even get that) after 3x10h, plus 120 miles/day commuting, is to get in the car and drive 2h each way to have dinner and spend the day with my BIL. the 4 months I stayed with them last fall fulfilled any quota of time I ever want to spend with him, especially in his own home where he does even less than when he has been a guest in mine. so, I call her back and tell her not to plan around me bc I don't even know which end is up as far as work, which goes over as expected - like a ton of bricks. cutting out the "discussion" for this post, I ended up hanging up on her. I then call my mother and among other things she talks about, she says "if anyone had told me 20 years ago that this is where the two of you would be, I'd have said they were nuts!" so I bite.....um, what's the problem with where I am? she goes "not now, I'm already depressed thinking about your sister." wtf? oy. mind you, this is my first year in my new house. I drive 120 miles a fucking day for work (oh, but we told you so... fucking shoot me) and don't really want to leave my house. I can't wait to see what happens when they realize they definitely aren't seeing me for Christmas. I don't even fucking celebrate the holiday! /rantover. I think. I may come back and add more, or delete this whole post entirely. my sis knows about this site and my screen name. whatever. tonight I don't really GAF. sent from my electronic distraction ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 11, 2015 21:19:51 GMT -5
I thought I had solved my Thanksgiving Day family drama because I am flying to my chosen destination that day. Now DS tells me she is thinking of having a meal at like 9 or 10 on Wednesday evening because she wants all of her kids there and her daughter, a nurse, has to work on Thursday and Friday. I would not want a large meal that late. However, I'm staying at an airport hotel where I can leave my car while I'm gone because there won't be places to park by the actual day. Learned that lesson another year when I flew on Thanksgiving.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Nov 11, 2015 21:28:53 GMT -5
Sometimes it is really nice to have not much in the way of family and I'm glad that the ones I do still have don't really celebrate holidays. ![](http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/smileys/hug.gif) to everyone that needs it in dealing with their families. Or ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/martini.gif) , whatever works!
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Nov 11, 2015 21:30:43 GMT -5
Oh how happy I am that: 1. I now work on Thanksgiving every year.
2..Even if I didn't, we all just do our own thing. Same with Christmas. Yes, eventually we get around to seeing everyone, but not necessarily that day. It's not this big thing for our family.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Nov 11, 2015 22:39:17 GMT -5
X and I split Thanksgiving with DS - one person gets him Wed night til Thursday around 3 and the other gets him from 3pm til Friday at 3... Then it goes back to the normal schedule. Since my family lives 2.5 hours away it means that I'm (and DS) basically not ever seeing my family for Thanksgiving again. Or if I do it's an ungodly amount of running around in a relatively short time. Since I had him for the beginning of the day last year, my mom and aunt came up and spent time with us until I dropped him off with X - then the three of us cracked open the wine and finished preparing and later eating dinner. It was actually really nice but it was kinda lonely when they left. This year I have him in the afternoon for the meal, so I'm happy. Mom and aunt (and maybe another aunt and my cousin) are coming up this year. I'm actually looking forward to hosting even though my new place is much smaller. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Nov 11, 2015 22:59:41 GMT -5
Oh how happy I am that: 1. I now work on Thanksgiving every year. 2..Even if I didn't, we all just do our own thing. Same with Christmas. Yes, eventually we get around to seeing everyone, but not necessarily that day. It's not this big thing for our family. I am actually hoping that the shutdown schedule requires me to head in over the weekend. I don't want to deal with any of them right now sent from my electronic distraction ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 11, 2015 22:59:48 GMT -5
DBIL invited us to join him and his family and DFIL. They live about 3 hours away. We had to regrettably decline. Our high school doesn't do Homecoming. We do an annual Thanksgiving Day football game against our next-door town -- a big rivalry that has been going on forever. All the alumni go to the game and hang out for a while afterward. It is a big deal. ODS, who graduated in May, is eager to come back and go to the game and to see his high school friends. He'll be traveling 10 hours or so on Wednesday to come back from college. He does not want to travel another 6 hours round trip on Thursday. I understand. I am also sorry we won't be joining the ILs, but sometimes you just can't do it all. We will probably just do something small for the 4 of us.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 11, 2015 23:34:16 GMT -5
Sometimes it is really nice to have not much in the way of family and I'm glad that the ones I do still have don't really celebrate holidays. ![](http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/smileys/hug.gif) to everyone that needs it in dealing with their families. Or ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/martini.gif) , whatever works! So this! Now when people ask "What are you doing for the holidays?" I say "We haven't decided yet." Then ask them their plans. People love talking about themselves and they forget what they asked me which is usually followed by "You want to join us?" or "Can we come to your house?". Well, sometimes they ask that but a girl can't be too careful these days so just nip it in the bud and change the subject! And what did you do to your hair? ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Nov 11, 2015 23:43:58 GMT -5
DBIL invited us to join him and his family and DFIL. They live about 3 hours away. We had to regrettably decline. Our high school doesn't do Homecoming. We do an annual Thanksgiving Day football game against our next-door town -- a big rivalry that has been going on forever. All the alumni go to the game and hang out for a while afterward. It is a big deal. ODS, who graduated in May, is eager to come back and go to the game and to see his high school friends. He'll be traveling 10 hours or so on Wednesday to come back from college. He does not want to travel another 6 hours round trip on Thursday. I understand. I am also sorry we won't be joining the ILs, but sometimes you just can't do it all. We will probably just do something small for the 4 of us. I love that your ODS wants to go back for the big game. I went back for the first few, overlapping with my sis was fun. out rivalry was played at either the HS or at Bowditch. I don't think I know where your game is played..? sent from my electronic distraction ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 12, 2015 9:56:29 GMT -5
There is nothing wrong with the OP and her family saying we love having Turkey day here at our house and we would love for your to come celebrate with us period end of sentence.
That said it only works if the OP's DH stands with her in this. It sounds to me like he is talking out of of both sides here. He is telling the Op "sure honey I understand, of course we should still have thanksgiving here". Yet telling his family "of course we will go to your house so you can see the kids on thanksgiving" And "of course we will eat at whatever house you are planning thanksgiving at." And if you are really unlucky he is also saying "I will come over but I can't make OP let me bring the kids".
It is possible to work this out with them but IMO not without your DH actually being part of that process. I know this may be cruel but IMO you don't have an in law problem, you have a husband problem.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 12, 2015 10:42:42 GMT -5
Just to play devil's advocate here:
What if money's husband doesn't agree it should be all her way. Perhaps he wants to spend some of the holiday with his family and perhaps he wants the kids with him for a period of that time. Does he not get a say? Is he supposed to blindly go along with everything she wants to present some united front or something - even if it's not his desire Do her desires trump his?
I'm not married. I don't know and that's why I'm asking. Maybe he's saying he really wants to stay at home with the kids for the entire day and if that's the case, I agree he should put his foot down and say so. But just because she wants it that way doesn't mean that's what he wants. Obviously, I'm not a marriage expert because my one experience with it was an epic failure, but I did think it was about compromise and not "my way or the highway".
It's important to me to be with my mom on the holidays. If my husband said nope...not this year, we are staying home....he'd be shit out of luck. I'd go anyway for a portion of the day. He'd either get over it or he'd be mad for a long time. I'd absolutely do whatever I could to compromise but compromise doesn't mean you get your way at the expense of my desires.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2015 10:58:15 GMT -5
Holidays can be tricky especially with kids.
We're having a fight over Thanksgiving b/c his sister decided to host hers ON Thanksgiving this year rather than on Black Friday. Normally Thanksgiving is "my" family holiday. This is the one holiday my brother will probably make it in for this year. I may not see him again until Thanksgiving 2016.
So I put my foot down and we're going to my Thanksgiving. Period. I told him if he wanted to he was free to go to his family's thanksgiving but the kids would be staying with ME. My brother hasn't seen Abby since she was born, his family sees the kids all the damn time.
It's the last minute thing that has always been the problem between us. They used to insist they weren't hosting anything then while we were at my grandma's would call and say "We changed our minds dinner is in an hour!". DH would expect me to drop everything and go. For awhile I tried to be accomodating but I got sick of missing out on time with my family b/c his can't figure out that they are not the only people who exist in the universe.
I finally told him no. We already made plans for Thanksgiving and I shouldn't have to turn it upside down due to lack of planning on his family's part.
We've been together for seven years and they still do this and he still gets pissed at me for not cooperating. I don't really care and expect him to stand by me.
Sometimes there really isn't a suitable compromise that will make everyone happy.
I'd stand by DH if my family planned the same way. It would be inconsiderate to expect DH to give his family the shaft b/c mine wants to change things at the last minute. Sure it'd suck to not see my family but that isn't DH or his family's fault. They would be the ones making it difficult.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 12, 2015 11:03:55 GMT -5
See that is the thing here there is no compromise. The OP's in laws just give orders and the OP's family is required to comply or be subjected to a load of shit.
No one is saying they shouldn't see them. They are actually already seeing them every week. They could still spend thanksgiving together if the in laws were to come to their house on thanksgiving like they always have. The problem this year is the in laws decided not to go to the OP's house for the holiday and decided that the OP's family has to cancel their thanksgiving dinner with the rest of the guests so they could be at their house for the day.
Gel I wouldn't have an issue with going to my in laws for Christmas but saying it had to be every year might be an issue as it probably also means that your spouse might then never get to see their family on Christmas. Not everyone lives in close driving distance.
How is it really his tough shit to ever get what he wants if it isn't what you want? That sounds more like you insisting on getting your way not matter what. That isn't the thing an adult does in a relationship IMO.
Once my kids got to be about kindy age I stopped the run around like a crazy person thing on Christmas. My kids should have rights too and being able to wake up in their own home on Christmas is one of them. Anyone who wants to come over is welcome to but that is one day our butts are staying home or at least not driving any distance.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 12, 2015 11:22:46 GMT -5
I don't know. You've said you have no issue with him going to his family's side. I think that's a compromise. A lack of compromise is "I'm not going and you aren't either". I'm not sure I'd agree with your dictate that he can't take the kids but only if he would only be taking them for part of the day. It wouldn't be fair for him either to expect to take them away from you for the entire day. I do see that the difference here is that your family (or at least your brother) only gets to see the kids occasionally and his side sees them all the time. In my mind, that makes a difference in the decision and both parties should be able to see that.
ETA: This was in response to Drama's post. I have a terrible habit of neglecting to quote the post I'm quoting!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2015 11:26:17 GMT -5
The issues comes in with the fact DH is staunchly opposed to separate holidays. Either I go with him to everything his family plans or "why bother being married?".
He didn't speak to me for several days last year b/c I made the decision to go to Christmas at my family's alone last year since his family hogs Christmas Day.
My brother was only in for Christmas Day. If we had done things the normal way then I wouldn't have seen him and it meant a lot to my mother to have us all together.
He told me the kids were going to his parents. .. period and would not budge. My brother didn't get to see his nieces b/c DH refused to cut his family's holiday short by so much as a freaking hour.
So that's why I am putting my foot down this year with the kids. He can go solo but the kids aren't going to be hogged by his family for yet another holiday.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 12, 2015 11:27:18 GMT -5
See that is the thing here there is no compromise. The OP's in laws just give orders and the OP's family is required to comply or be subjected to a load of shit. No one is saying they shouldn't see them. They are actually already seeing them every week. They could still spend thanksgiving together if the in laws were to come to their house on thanksgiving like they always have. The problem this year is the in laws decided not to go to the OP's house for the holiday and decided that the OP's family has to cancel their thanksgiving dinner with the rest of the guests so they could be at their house for the day. Gel I wouldn't have an issue with going to my in laws for Christmas but saying it had to be every year might be an issue as it probably also means that your spouse might then never get to see their family on Christmas. Not everyone lives in close driving distance. How is it really his tough shit to ever get what he wants if it isn't what you want? That sounds more like you insisting on getting your way not matter what. That isn't the thing an adult does in a relationship IMO. Once my kids got to be about kindy age I stopped the run around like a crazy person thing on Christmas. My kids should have rights too and being able to wake up in their own home on Christmas is one of them. Anyone who wants to come over is welcome to but that is one day our butts are staying home or at least not driving any distance. It's absolutely not getting what I want. It's trying to compromise so that we both get a portion of what we want. I won't be dictated to - ever - but I will absolutely do my best to try to do a bit of both. It has nothing to do with my way - it has to do with trying to do a bit of what both wants. I can see, tho, how that could be exhausting with kids in the mix.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2015 11:31:04 GMT -5
It's exhausting as DINKs but it was something we could work around. We don't need naps, we can stay out later all that stuff.
With kids it's a lot harder, especially younger kids. My parents get the kids at the end of Christmas day when they are burnt out and cranky. That's not really fair simply b/c DH doesn't want to bend and leave his family's house a bit earlier.
I had to fight DH to the death in order to have a Christmas morning of my own when Gwen arrived. I get about an hour then he's trying to kick us out the door.
It's really getting to be a problem but DH refuses to even consider figuring out something different b/c "it's his family". Apparently we don't count and my family went *poof* the day he put a ring on my finger.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 12, 2015 11:38:49 GMT -5
My mom used to insist on Christmas morning starting at 7:00 am. My sister put her foot down on that and we now start later. Once people were having kids, they didn't want to rip the kids from Santa's leavings before dawn and put them in the car half asleep. We now start later and even though I don't have kids, I'm thankful. Everybody has their own personal Christmas morning and then we gather at Mom's when everyone gets around to it. Kids absolutely do make a difference. I just have to drag my sleepy butt out which is more than enough work.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2015 11:42:57 GMT -5
With money one of her posts stated the older kid has stated he prefers to stay home this year. I think that should be respected by the in laws. They shouldn't be considered selfish for wanting that and the OP shouldn't be considered selfish for honoring it.
I also understand that she has a nursing two month old. While not impossible it is a hell of a lot easier to have a baby that young with you and nurse rather than having to excuse yourself to pump. It should not be considered selfish that the OP wants to keep the two month old home rather than travel.
That is where I think DH should stand behind money. It would be one thing if the kids never saw the in-laws except on holidays but it sounds like they are over there weekly. The in laws can give up Thanksgiving this year and accept that their decision to change plans means not everyone can/wants to attend.
That's the issue I have with DH, is he refuses to accept that sometimes changes in plans means we can't do everything. I am not a selfish person for not jumping up to obey other people's last minute whims.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 12, 2015 11:50:16 GMT -5
I remember that Money has 2 kids - and one is 3 months old - not likely to be able to vocalize what he wants!! We, as little kids, weren't allowed to make the decisions on what was going on, so I guess I didn't consider that.
And I agree that he should stand behind her if this is what HE wants also. All I'm saying is his wishes should also be considered. He counts, too. I'm just saying that if he wants to go, he shouldn't have to be the bad guy and stick up for something that isn't what he wants. I totally agree this should be done if it's an issue with discipline of the children - parents should present a united front, I guess. But this is an issue with adults and I'm just saying he has a right to have his desires considered also.
I guess I'm putting myself in his place because I did have a controlling spouse who wanted things his way all the time. It was then up to me to present his dictates as if they were mine also -when they weren't. I guess it just brings up bad memories. I'm probably way off base. Won't be the first time!
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 12, 2015 11:52:18 GMT -5
See that is the thing here there is no compromise. The OP's in laws just give orders and the OP's family is required to comply or be subjected to a load of shit. No one is saying they shouldn't see them. They are actually already seeing them every week. They could still spend thanksgiving together if the in laws were to come to their house on thanksgiving like they always have. The problem this year is the in laws decided not to go to the OP's house for the holiday and decided that the OP's family has to cancel their thanksgiving dinner with the rest of the guests so they could be at their house for the day. Gel I wouldn't have an issue with going to my in laws for Christmas but saying it had to be every year might be an issue as it probably also means that your spouse might then never get to see their family on Christmas. Not everyone lives in close driving distance. How is it really his tough shit to ever get what he wants if it isn't what you want? That sounds more like you insisting on getting your way not matter what. That isn't the thing an adult does in a relationship IMO. Once my kids got to be about kindy age I stopped the run around like a crazy person thing on Christmas. My kids should have rights too and being able to wake up in their own home on Christmas is one of them. Anyone who wants to come over is welcome to but that is one day our butts are staying home or at least not driving any distance. It's absolutely not getting what I want. It's trying to compromise so that we both get a portion of what we want. I won't be dictated to - ever - but I will absolutely do my best to try to do a bit of both. It has nothing to do with my way - it has to do with trying to do a bit of what both wants. I can see, tho, how that could be exhausting with kids in the mix. The problem in my mind isn't that you want to spend Christmas day with your family. If it was my spouse the problem is that sounds like your are dictating to them and saying it is because you won't be dictated to. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) I know of only one couple that both sets of parents family's live really close. So going to one set means by default you are not going to the other. And once there were kids in the mix the very thought of spending a couple of hours in a car only to get back in the car in an hour, so we could go see someone else across the state was too exhausting for words! PS and I am actually jealous of the people who went to two Thanksgivings and ate to much. One year we went to three and never actually got anything to eat except at Mcdonalds. We missed every single dinner and went exactly on time to all of them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2015 11:55:57 GMT -5
e counts, too. I'm just saying that if he wants to go, he shouldn't have to be the bad guy and stick up for something that isn't what he wants
She told him that he can go solo to his parents. It's the inlaws sending nasty grams calling her selfish and how dare she deny them the children!
If they see them every week then it shouldn't be such a big deal the kids aren't at Thanksgiving this year. It also appears they get the kids for every other holiday too. The compromise was money and her family would get Thanksgiving. Why should the OP have to compromise b/c the in laws decided they want this holiday too?
Secondly, Thanksgiving is the ONE holiday tradition that I have with my family. We spend ALL other holidays with H's side of the family. And I mean ALL. Not to mention that we see them at least 2-3X's a week for other get togethers, family dinner, birthdays, etc. We are certainly not lacking for time with that side of the family.
While I agree with you the 3 month old does not get a vote, the OP absolutely should get a say since at that age they are nursing constantly. If DH takes the kids that means that the OP will have to pump while they are gone. It may not sound like a big deal but holidays are already chaotic without having to schedule pumping sessions into the mix. It's really a lot easier to be wherever the baby is at that stage.
The in laws should respect that and DH should stand behind the OP if that is her preference.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 12, 2015 12:00:33 GMT -5
I remember that Money has 2 kids - and one is 3 months old - not likely to be able to vocalize what he wants!! We, as little kids, weren't allowed to make the decisions on what was going on, so I guess I didn't consider that.
And I agree that he should stand behind her if this is what HE wants also. All I'm saying is his wishes should also be considered. He counts, too. I'm just saying that if he wants to go, he shouldn't have to be the bad guy and stick up for something that isn't what he wants. I totally agree this should be done if it's an issue with discipline of the children - parents should present a united front, I guess. But this is an issue with adults and I'm just saying he has a right to have his desires considered also.
I guess I'm putting myself in his place because I did have a controlling spouse who wanted things his way all the time. It was then up to me to present his dictates as if they were mine also -when they weren't. I guess it just brings up bad memories. I'm probably way off base. Won't be the first time! I see why you are saying that now. In this case they always had Thanksgiving at their home and both families came. She isn't saying you can never see his family or even never see them on Thanksgiving. But yes his ass has to stay home for Thanksgiving IMO. Otherwise it is way too much work he is shafting on her because his family tried to change all their plans at the last minute. The good part about compromise is sometimes I get my way. The bad part is sometimes I don't get my way. The only part that is unacceptable is if one party is never allowed to get their way. My husband telling me he won't not go to his family for X holiday is the same as saying we can't go to see mine or stay home. IMO
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 12, 2015 12:03:34 GMT -5
I see what you are saying. I guess I'm a family-pleaser. I'd do just about anything to keep the people I love happy and that stems from being so constantly in turmoil before. Keeping people happy isn't always possible and sometimes, it isn't even wise.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 12, 2015 12:04:49 GMT -5
I remember that Money has 2 kids - and one is 3 months old - not likely to be able to vocalize what he wants!! We, as little kids, weren't allowed to make the decisions on what was going on, so I guess I didn't consider that.
And I agree that he should stand behind her if this is what HE wants also. All I'm saying is his wishes should also be considered. He counts, too. I'm just saying that if he wants to go, he shouldn't have to be the bad guy and stick up for something that isn't what he wants. I totally agree this should be done if it's an issue with discipline of the children - parents should present a united front, I guess. But this is an issue with adults and I'm just saying he has a right to have his desires considered also.
I guess I'm putting myself in his place because I did have a controlling spouse who wanted things his way all the time. It was then up to me to present his dictates as if they were mine also -when they weren't. I guess it just brings up bad memories. I'm probably way off base. Won't be the first time! I see why you are saying that now. In this case they always had Thanksgiving at their home and both families came. She isn't saying you can never see his family or even never see them on Thanksgiving. But yes his ass has to stay home for Thanksgiving IMO. Otherwise it is way too much work he is shafting on her because his family tried to change all their plans at the last minute. The good part about compromise is sometimes I get my way. The bad part is sometimes I don't get my way. The only part that is unacceptable is if one party is never allowed to get their way. My husband telling me he won't not go to his family for X holiday is the same as saying we can't go to see mine or stay home. IMO Yes. I totally get what you are saying. You are right. Compromise doesn't always mean both people get what they want. It may be me one time and him the next.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2015 12:08:41 GMT -5
I used to be but I realized pretty fast I had to set boundaries with DH and his family otherwise they would consume me like the blob. My parents didn't cease to exist after DH put a ring on my finger.
We have the same set up that Thanksgiving is MY family. Naturally I am going to be pissed when DH decides he wants to override it due to his family deciding at the last minute to change things. I'm not going to bend over backwards for his family. He is free to go solo but I am not changing anything else. I called dibs A LONG time ago.
They get pretty much every other holiday and we also are down there weekly. DH and his family can respect the fact that I want at least one freaking holiday with my family and that my children be in attendence.
If I hadn't finally put my foot down I'd never get any holiday time with my family. I had to fight DH to the death to get what little I have. He's terrible at setting boundaries with his family, since he wouldn't do it I had to do it. If he wants to be pissed at me that's fine I am only going to compromise so much.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 12, 2015 12:10:29 GMT -5
thank god I don't have family issues like this.
I host holidays. You're welcome to come, or not. I don't really care if you do or don't
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