emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Nov 6, 2015 10:27:14 GMT -5
Curious numbers. Married when he was 36. Not sure why the 17 years of work left in England, does that make her a specific age? What did each bring to the marriage since it isn't like they were just young adults when they stayed? What is the story of children in this 15 year marriage? Were they born during? If so they are still younger. Are they theirs premarriage? Just his or hers? She's probably a couple years younger than her husband, as I am assuming the 17 years is the amount of time she has until she can claim her state pension (which for that age group is 66). And, it wouldn't surprise me at all if they were married after they had their children. It's very common there. My step-sister plans on having kids first before getting married, all my cousins had kids first and got married several years later. They all married the father/mother of their kids, but it's very common for couples to live together for years and have kids before they ever get married.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 6, 2015 10:35:34 GMT -5
I had more than a few comments when I mentioned we both work from home about how in the world that doesn't drive us crazy (it doesn't). So the comment about getting along better when they're apart more doesn't really surprise me, although that was an ugly way to put it. I think it's not an uncommon thought from a SAHS who is used to having the place to her or himself all day and will now be annoyed by their partner being around all the time as well. In fact I heard a radio show talking about how many couples love it when their spouse travels for work so they can be home alone. There is a woman in her 60's at work who has been complaining for a year now that her husband is going to retire. He's turning 70 and she is horrified at the thought of him retiring. She has no plans to retire and doesn't think he should either. She feels she will have to support them on her salary. It's baffling to me because the man has a high-stress job as the Chief Credit Officer of a bank and I'm sure has more than enough put aside to retire comfortable. They raised one son who is grown and live in a very modest house with no mortgage. Let the poor man retire and try to be supportive! I have an uncle that is 72 that retired twice and went back to work twice. Either that or divorce his wife or she kills Him. They have been married for over 50 years and she has been a stay at home from Day 1. She feels he is all up in her business when he is home and she has things set a certain way and here he comes trying to change it. I don't get it because my uncle is a really quiet man; but I think she is just used to seeing him a couple hours a day before bedtime or in the morning, 24/7 is a bit much for her now. She is so used (after 50 years) of running the household and making all the decisions that I don't think she is ready to just give some of it up. I have another that is 67 and he went back to work too. But for him it was because his wife turned him into her personal chauffeur/assistant. He said if he is going to get bossed around; he might as well get paid for it! Think of your aunt this way. She has run a successful 'business' for over 50 years. Now someone who has zero experience in her field of expertise comes in as a new employee and starts to tell her how to do her job. Most 'business' owners would resent the new employee.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Nov 6, 2015 10:45:25 GMT -5
I would like more information such as whether he retired from the cops or the military versus taking early retirement.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Nov 6, 2015 10:46:52 GMT -5
Stuff like this is interesting because everyone makes assumptions after reading a small paragraph. Quite a few females posters have mentioned that she was a SAHM which isn't easy but we have no idea if that's what they planned or if she decided it once the kids came along. I can jump on the assumption train and say she's unhappy now because he supported a lifestyle that she isn't willing to work for or can afford on her salary and that she stuck around despite his bad behavior because of the money. There's quite possibly resentment from both sides - from him because she worked part time maybe even when she could have worked full time once the kids were in school and from her because he retired early and expects her to pick up some of the financial slack. To me though her mention of his behavior and how it was bearable because he was gone all day says there's a lot more going on. Maybe he was an ahole who she needed financially or maybe like Carl said she doesn't like the fact that he's now around during the day. That's something I know retirees have had to adjust to because spending a lot of time with anyone can get old real quick if you don't have your own things going on.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Nov 6, 2015 10:51:36 GMT -5
I have an uncle that is 72 that retired twice and went back to work twice. Either that or divorce his wife or she kills Him. They have been married for over 50 years and she has been a stay at home from Day 1. She feels he is all up in her business when he is home and she has things set a certain way and here he comes trying to change it. I don't get it because my uncle is a really quiet man; but I think she is just used to seeing him a couple hours a day before bedtime or in the morning, 24/7 is a bit much for her now. She is so used (after 50 years) of running the household and making all the decisions that I don't think she is ready to just give some of it up. I have another that is 67 and he went back to work too. But for him it was because his wife turned him into her personal chauffeur/assistant. He said if he is going to get bossed around; he might as well get paid for it! Think of your aunt this way. She has run a successful 'business' for over 50 years. Now someone who has zero experience in her field of expertise comes in as a new employee and starts to tell her how to do her job. Most 'business' owners would resent the new employee. But it's the right thing to do. When my parents retired, my stepmom made sure that my dad got used to doing some stuff that she used to do- cooking, cleaning, laundry. The last thing she wanted was her health declining or worse, not being around at all and thinking about him struggling because he had become too dependent. It's not the same, because they both worked full-time, are the same age and retired at 55. They've always been supportive of each other and enjoy life together, still after 30 years. It's been 12 years of retirement, they play golf together, travel together and are pretty much always doing stuff together...and having a great time while they are at it. I really feel sad for couples who are clearly miserable together. You're only guaranteed one life...
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 6, 2015 11:01:04 GMT -5
Think of your aunt this way. She has run a successful 'business' for over 50 years. Now someone who has zero experience in her field of expertise comes in as a new employee and starts to tell her how to do her job. Most 'business' owners would resent the new employee. But it's the right thing to do. When my parents retired, my stepmom made sure that my dad got used to doing some stuff that she used to do- cooking, cleaning, laundry. The last thing she wanted was her health declining or worse, not being around at all and thinking about him struggling because he had become too dependent. It's not the same, because they both worked full-time, are the same age and retired at 55. They've always been supportive of each other and enjoy life together, still after 30 years. It's been 12 years of retirement, they play golf together, travel together and are pretty much always doing stuff together...and having a great time while they are at it. I really feel sad for couples who are clearly miserable together. You're only guaranteed one life... If "it's the right thing to do' means they should share household duties now, I agree. But it sounds like the uncle may be offering advice on how the aunt should be doing her household jobs and not a lot of physical assistance of same.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 6, 2015 11:06:38 GMT -5
You can't unilaterally make decisions that impact both of you. If he came home one day and said BTW I took early retirement and today was my last day, that isn't a healthy way to have a relationship. If you are in a situation where it is a team, then both partners have to be on board with decisions. Individually, you can't make a decision that impacts both of you and just expect your spouse to fall in line because "you did your part and now it is their turn". Of course maybe the other option was to be laid off when he took early retirement. I think the problem with articles like this is we only see one side...and we are all biased by our own experiences and what we want. In my world, I would not support an able-bodied man. So if I did have support him for several years it would not be something I wanted or agreed to (outside of disability). we have no way of knowing if this man actually wanted her to only work part-time or not. If he didn't, then I think he has every right to expect her to support him now.
ETA: Anyone that forces their spouse to support them is foolish. I would bail on a marriage if my husband expected me to support him financially. Either way, I wouldn't be supporting him.
I think that the point is that it sounds like this guy made his decision unilaterally. Also consider that while his spouse was 'only' working part time, raising kids and dealing with house stuff, she wasn't spending her days on a golf course playing golf. I doubt seriously anyone would bat an eye if he took over the house work and worked part time, flip flopping the balance of earning.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 6, 2015 11:13:52 GMT -5
I had more than a few comments when I mentioned we both work from home about how in the world that doesn't drive us crazy (it doesn't). So the comment about getting along better when they're apart more doesn't really surprise me, although that was an ugly way to put it. I think it's not an uncommon thought from a SAHS who is used to having the place to her or himself all day and will now be annoyed by their partner being around all the time as well. In fact I heard a radio show talking about how many couples love it when their spouse travels for work so they can be home alone. There is a woman in her 60's at work who has been complaining for a year now that her husband is going to retire. He's turning 70 and she is horrified at the thought of him retiring. She has no plans to retire and doesn't think he should either. She feels she will have to support them on her 6 figure salary. It's baffling to me because the man has a high-stress job as the Chief Credit Officer of a bank and I'm sure has more than enough put aside to retire comfortably. They raised one son who is grown and live in a very modest house with no mortgage. Let the poor man retire and try to be supportive! I have heard that the first year after one spouse retires is actually the most difficult.
I have said before that if I am retired and DH retires, then I will go back to work - because if I am home all day long with him he will drive me nuts. With my DH he expects everything to be done his way. As an example, he likes onions, he expects you to cook with onions even if he is not going to eat what you are cooking. When I cut vegetables he always tries to tell me a better way to do what I am doing. Before we were married I used to cook, I quit after being in the kitchen with him a few times. I only cook when he is not home now. My husband does like 80-90% of the cooking in our house. He rarely does laundry or dishes - but we are probably close to 50-50 on the day to day stuff.
This is the first year we have an "empty nest" and things are actually going pretty well, so maybe we will not have any problems.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Nov 6, 2015 11:39:53 GMT -5
I'm not big into the swapping sacrifices in a relationship. It's a recipe for resentment. You find something that works for both of you, and you live with it. If down the line you reevaluate and what you agreed on didn't work out so great for you after all, you find a way that works better for you both going forward. It's not your spouses fault that you made yourself miserable. Whoops, I accidentally fell on this sword, and I didn't like it, can you do the same so it's all fairsies? No. There is no "I did my bit now you do yours." Intentionally subjecting your spouse to something you know made you unhappy is crap. It will not fix anything unless your goal is just to have a partner to share in your misery.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 6, 2015 12:05:07 GMT -5
She didn't really say, but I had the impression they really didn't have enough money for him to be retired at this point. This is where I agree with the others, they should have made this decision together, and both been on board. If he held a job like police officer and retired early, I think most of those people seek a second career until they are closer to traditional retirement age.
I would stop working in the near future if I thought I could, but I just don't think entering and exiting the workforce at my pay level is always going to be an option, so I feel I need to keep working as long as I can. I can easily stop working for my employer and work for DH, in fact I struggle with this question a lot, because it may work better for us logistically and financially. I will probably pull the plug on working for an employer other than DH when both my kids are through college (4-5 years). I plan to retire sometime between 65-68. My DH says he is never going to retire...but the big question is will one of us have health problems that might force us into retirement before we get to that point.
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techguy
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Post by techguy on Nov 6, 2015 12:55:28 GMT -5
Reading this thread and other threads reinforce that marriage is never 50/50 and that someone will always have to put in more "work" than others. The question is, would it be you (general you) or your spouse?
Yet people continue to get married...!
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Nov 6, 2015 13:12:14 GMT -5
Reading this thread and other threads reinforce that marriage is never 50/50 and that someone will always have to put in more "work" than others. The question is, would it be you (general you) or your spouse? Yet people continue to get married...! Well, even when things are inequitable you are usually both doing better than you would be on your own. 70/30, or even 80/20 would be manageable if there are good reasons, but if one spouse is creating more work and just doesn't feel the need to participate, may as well just do the whole 100 on your own.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2015 13:29:03 GMT -5
If he made the decision without consulting her and then expected her to go back to work to fill in the financial gaps, yeah, I'd be pis*ed. These decisions have to be made together.
DH retired when we married but he was 65, we moved for my job, and he immediately took on all of the cooking and cleaning (although he wasn't great at the latter), took the car in for maintenance, got multiple bids when work needed to be done on the house, waited around for service people, etc. He even brought in some income from freelance work till he lost his last client a year ago. He contributed plenty to the relationship (including his SS!) even though most of the $$$ came from my side.
I made the decision to retire one week before my last day with the company, but he was the one I called one Friday afternoon and said, "I'm thinking of quitting my job on Monday". We had the weekend to talk it over and he was fully on board. Realizing I'm not the cash cow I used to be, I've taken over cleaning (yes!! the house is clean!!), prepare food more often, and do most of the gardening because DH's body is getting a little creaky. It was a team decision when I retired, though. I told my parents after the fact!
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 6, 2015 13:55:19 GMT -5
My dad retired from the military when he was 46, after almost 30 years in (he enlisted at 17). His retirement at that time was no where near sufficient to support 3 kids still in school. My mom continued to work full time, and my dad got a part time job and took over most of the housework, all of the yard work and all of the cooking. So while he was retired and my mom was bringing in the bulk of the income, he made things easier for her.
While we were young children, my mom either SAH, worked part time or full time - depending on the situation, largely where we were stationed. There were some places where she simply could not work (like overseas). But during their marriage, the burden shifted to the situation at the time and the other spouse filled in the gaps.
If I had to hazard a guess as to this couple, I don't think his wife would feel near the resentment if he took some of the household burden off of her. However, I can easily imagine a scenario where the wife walks into her home after working a full day and she's confronted with a trashed house, overflowing laundry with her husband coming in from his golf game to ask her what she's making for dinner.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Nov 6, 2015 15:31:49 GMT -5
this is one of those times I'm happy to be single.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 6, 2015 15:50:06 GMT -5
It's never 50/50, but ideally both partners spend time on both sides of the equation. If DH is sick, I take on most of the house/kid duties so he can rest and recover more quickly. When he is better, I don't force him to do everything around the house for 2-3 days to make it "even," but know that when I'm out of commission he will take over without complaint.
The problems start when one person consistently gives more than 50% with some expectation that it will be evened up at a later date...
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Nov 6, 2015 17:48:08 GMT -5
SAHM which isn't easy .... time with anyone can get old real quick if you don't have your own things going on. Is that why it isn't easy?? So it isn't the housework but lack of stimulation?
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