Drama llama ding dong

[HoneyBBQ]

So, I feel like venting. So here it is. 

History:

• Step daughter (SD) had full ride (edit: tuition scholarship) to an instate school (art/drama program) in Michigan. 
• Some shit hit the fan with SD and H where she demanded her college money (mostly it was money from her grandparents, but H was in charge/custodian of it). It was approximately 40k. We have other money set aside for her, but we don't think she'll get it any more (more on that later). I have a previous thread on this.
• Shortly thereafter demanded a monthly allowance from us. My H offered to send her $100/month which she refused. Much screaming and phone throwing and expletives ensued on SD's part.
• SD Enrolled in Disney U or whatever and spent a semester or 6 months working in DWorld. Theoretically still enrolled at original college? Unsure of details. We went to visit her and she seemed to be doing well and functioning on her own. She got a new boyfriend down there and wanted to stay. She was fairly happy and pleasant.

New data:

• In the middle of summer, she called H and wanted to figure out a way for her to stay in DWorld and enroll in a Florida university. 
• H helped her look into $$ for a college there, she would be 'out of state' tuition as her enrollment at D.U. doesn't count towards residency since her car wasn't registered there, etc. It was a lot of money, even for a cheap college, around 30k per year.
• Her mother told her if she stayed in Florida she would no longer pay for her car insurance and phone (and whatever else she pays for ((we provide insurance and pay half the medical))).
• H calculated it out and said she'd be better off just working for DWorld for a year, saving up the money, and establishing residency, then she could save a bunch of money compared to if she just enrolled as out of state for 4 years there.
• This was unacceptable to SD as she wouldn't be able to afford to live there on her own so she reluctantly moved back to MI and back in with her mother.

The crazy:

• H gets another panicked and screaming phone call. Apparently SD took out student loans because she couldn't afford to live without them. She had mentioned this possibility at to H at one point and he told her very clearly not to take out loans, she didn't need them, it was a really bad idea, etc. I guess no one knew she took them out?
• Didn't realize that enrolling in D.U. would not be attending school full time, hence
• Student loan bills became due and were piling up which she threw away and are now in forebearance...?
• Didn't realize they weren't subsidized and that interest accrued from day 1 so now she owes a ton of money
• It's all our fault for not "paying for her college"
• Now she can't get more student loans for re-enrolling this fall, and of course, it's all our fault. We ruined her life.
• And we still don't know what happened to the 40k, if she blew it all, if she has it all. We don't know.

Anyways, this is how the other half lives, folks. I don't know all the details. And H doesn't, either, as far as I can tell. But there ya go.

[debthaven]

My school has a sort of partnership with Disney FL, ie they hire some kids to work in FL over the summer for their required first year (labor / blue collar) internship

From my understanding, Disney U = a fancy name for Disney. It doesn't mean it's a real university. 

But I'm in France and of course I could be wrong about that. 

[HoneyBBQ]

We were told she was still enrolled at her school in Michigan, like a work-study program.

She did attend class one day a week. And she told us she was getting credit at her original university.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disney_University

[debthaven]

I reread. Wow. 

I would be inclined to put out or contribute to put out the biggest "fire", under certain conditions.

But I'm not sure what the biggest fire is, nor what the conditions should be. 

Personally, I would be inclined to help her, somewhat. 

This said, it is telling that both her mom and you guys told her not to do something, and she did it anyway. 

I would still try to help her out to some extent, if I could afford to. 

I would do that once, but not twice. 

Some kids take longer than others, as infuriating as it may be.

Hugs to you Honey. 

[debthaven]

From your link: 

Most colleges allowing it have internships available and give college credit to do the internship while taking Disney classes.

That's what I had always understood ... our students need to do an internship to validate their year. Disney internships count, ie they validate their year. They are also highly prized by our (French) students because they they get to live in the US / FL and work on/perfect their English.

However, they do NOT, EVER, give any credits to our students. 

I don't know if your SD is clueless or if she was seeking to deceive you, but I honestly don't get how she could have thought she was getting university credits from her time at Disney.

Here, legally, an official internship MUST be signed by the employer, the school, and the student. Does your SD have anything like that? 

[swasat]

So basically.... She made stupid mistakes, was highly rude to you and H and is now demanding you fix her life by giving in to her demands.

The screaming and panic part I can still understand ( to an extent) but the misbehaving part... Jeez !!

So I remember your previous threads about it. It's the same drama, isn't it?

What does your H wish to do?

[debthaven]

Where did she attend class once a week? I'm assuming in FL? 

Can she document that? 

I honestly don't know what to advise ... if it's valid, she needs to get that vetted by her university in MI. If they do indeed have a partnership with Disney, it's the uni that will document her credits, not Disney. 

[giramomma]

That has just got to be super stressful.

and 

[HoneyBBQ]

H is mostly tired of being blamed for her mistakes and for her over-all immaturity and rudeness. I'm very anti-financial bail out here (and H agrees). Quite frankly, she doesn't deserve it. And it doesn't matter how much we give her, she will want more.  She has a nicer/newer car than either of us, gets a new iphone every 6 months, etc. She lives a much higher lifestyle than either of us, really. If she called up sobbing and sorry she might get somewhere, but honestly, she's cried wolf this way before and she just goes back to her old self when she doesn't get everything she wants. 

debt - I'm not sure about the class thing. I guess she has been in touch with her financial aid office and is trying to get things worked out. Her mother is helping her straighten that part out, I'm guessing.

Just for more history, Stepson spent all his college money on drugs and rehab... and we are footing his bill for college now that he has cleaned up his act. I'm actually kind of against this, but the son has learning issues (ADHD) and is genuinely sorry for the pain and suffering he caused everyone. And he is going to CC and living in his mother's basement. Not whooping it up in a bikini on the beach in florida and working on his tan. 

The SD is just angry and mad and hates everyone and can't understand why she doesn't get everything she wants. 

It's more sad than really stressful.  We can't help her and we can't fix it. We can only advise and hope she makes the right decision. 

[debthaven]

Honey I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

Just for more history, Stepson spent all his college money on drugs and rehab... and we are footing his bill for college now that he has cleaned up his act.

That's great that he has cleaned up his act!!!

Kids mature at different rates. I don't need to tell you that. I don't know what the answer is. Obviously it's to reward positive behaviors (as you're doing with the stepson). I guess I always figure, what if THIS is the time that she (the SD) finally gets it?!

I also think it's telling that her mom sounds like she's fed up too, and is working to help her DD.

Hugs to you!

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I feel your pain.

DSD went to college for 4 years (our dime) and only earned 1.5 years' worth of credits.

We didn't find out until we started asking about graduation so that we could make travel plans.

Seems she also took out student loans.

Somehow, her low-income present living conditions and overwhelming debt
are DH's fault.

Sometimes, you just can't win.

[gooddecisions]

Oh man, I wish you had more details. What is the middle of summer? July? How much debt and how many payments could she have possibly missed in a month or two? Or did you mean she took out the loans 6 months ago.

[emma1420]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  My brother spent five years at university (supported by my dad), but only ever got a years worth of credits.  My dad found out midway through the last year that my brother wasn't even enrolled.  So my dad dragged his ass back home.

My brother spent the next two years living in my parents spare room, and working odd jobs.  He was unhappy pissed and resentful.  But, it's what he needed in order to get the motivation to find his own way.  He's now married with a kid and has a decent career.  But, it sucked for my parents for a long time.  so I'm sorry you are dealing with it now.

[Deleted]

Good luck

[Wisconsin Beth]

Good luck. 

I don't remember the other posts so all I've got is this thread.  And all I can say is "Wow" 

[garion2003]

She would need to be enrolled half-time in order to be eligible for federal student loans. And if she is enrolled half-time then the loan repayment is deferred until she graduates, withdraws, or drops below half-time enrollment.

The student described here reminds me a bit of this one:

(a few F bombs, so turn your volume down or watch at home)

[sarcasticgirl]

 a gold star to you for not killing her! 

[NancysSummerSip]

Honey, you personally deserve better than being in the middle of this. Legally, because she's of age and signed the loan paperwork, it's her problem. She needs to get her rude little fanny back in school full time to defer those loans, and start working as well, to get money together to begin paying them, as well as keep herself in at least some money. If she has spent the forty grand left to her (and I'm having a hard time figuring that out from your OP, but that's my best guess - it's gone and she expects more), then she'd better hope she can scrape together enough to continue her schooling.

Or take a year off, work like a dog and go back part-time.

The issue is between her, her dad and her mom. I know you want to help, and you can be the third party voice of reason here.

I think her mom did the right thing, letting her know what the consequences would be if she stayed in Florida.

I think her dad did the right thing, offering reasonable choices to her, which she refused.

SD sounds like someone who really needs a lesson in how it feels for her butt to hit that proverbial rock bottom.

[grumpyhermit]

Wow. Yet another reason I am ever so glad I don't have kids. My mother should thank me for being so wonderful and level headed as a teen

One Michigan school seems to offer 1-12 credits for the Disney U program, so if other schools in the system have similar policies, it is entirely possible that she took it for credit, just not enough credit to remain eligible for deferment. However, if she did this, and it was known it was going to drop her below half-time, she should have been notified that not only was she not going to get loans, but that her current loans would be entering the repayment process. I can't imagine that this didn't come up at some point during the registration process.

The fact that she willfully threw out all notices from her lender (which incidentally would have let her know that since she was no longer at least half time) makes my sympathy meter drop to zero (not that it was all that high to begin with). You took out loans, you were notified of the terms, you agreed to the terms, and when bills arrived you just ignored them until the shit hit the fan and now that something you want to do, borrow more money, is being impeded you decide to finally address it.

Also at some point she was handed a lump of almost 40k and no-one knows what became of it?? Yeah, no way in hell would I give her a dime. If I was feeling particularly generous I may help her navigate the forbearance process, though it sounds like all she wants is you bail her out, so I am sure that offer would be me with rejection.

Everyone needs to grow up sometime, this self made fiasco seems like a good first step for her.

[skubikky]

Sept 1, 2015 17:10:21 GMT -5 debthaven said:

My school has a sort of partnership with Disney FL, ie they hire some kids to work in FL over the summer for their required first year (labor / blue collar) internship

From my understanding, Disney U = a fancy name for Disney. It doesn't mean it's a real university. 

But I'm in France and of course I could be wrong about that. 

My daughter did a semester at Disney and took 2 courses that were relevant to her major(hospitality and mgmt).
The program was done through her college.
She was considered a full-time student during this "internship".
It turned out that the courses were useful, the tours and training of their system and back ground operations was good but her actual work assignment, housekeeping wasn't so helpful.   She had requested other positions but they assign you where they want.
DD got as much out of it as she could.  We visited and got free park hopper passes which was very nice.
She'd say that Disney does an excellent job of customer service but she would have passed on the "internship".

[Lizard Queen]

Wow, the entitlement is strong with this one. Did she or did she not have a full scholarship? If so, WTF did the $40k go?? If she calls, I'd keep repeating until I got an answer.

It's time to let her figure stuff out on her own, apparently. She's old enough and forge ahead without listening to advice, then she's old enough to deal with the consequences of that.

[Chocolate Lover]

I have no advice but I sure do wish you luck with her.


I love the thread title!

[justme]

Disney has two different programs. One called college program and one internships. Most likely she was a CP. Internships are normally on the personal/behind the scenes Disney jobs and are full time jobs on career paths. You can do a Disney internship up to two years after you graduate. They are extremely hard to get.

Pretty much anyone can be a CP though, you just have to be enrolled in college. You take a few courses through Disney (at what they call Disney university, but it's just their training building) and work full time or more. Not sure on the hours required but I knew many CPs that were working 50+ hours and I don't think it was all voluntary. You get put where they want you which could be housekeeping, janitorial, retail, operating rides, food service, etc. Basically all the jobs you need little to no skill for, but the CPs can't join the union so they're a slightly better option then regular folks getting hired.

I don't know about the full vs pt student though. I don't think my college let you take 12 hrs of an internship though so I'm not sure how you could be a ft student. I know for my grad intern it was 20hrs a week of work for the semester to get 3hrs credit.

[souldoubt]

I'm guessing the 40K was spent living it up with the boyfriend and/or friends and basically it was wasted while she lives out of state without any supervision.  She was living above her means and now it's time to pay the piper.  Unfortunately at 18 when you can take out student loans or start getting those credit card offers they don't care how immature you are.  I think your H is a lot nicer than me because kid or not I wouldn't appreciate someone demanding anything of me in that situation.  

[Deleted]

Sept 2, 2015 8:55:05 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

 a gold star to you for not killing her! 

I wouldn't do well with the demands at this point.

[HoneyBBQ]

Sept 1, 2015 18:20:41 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

Oh man, I wish you had more details. What is the middle of summer? July? How much debt and how many payments could she have possibly missed in a month or two? Or did you mean she took out the loans 6 months ago.

It's not clear to us. Probably over a year ago is my guess (right away). Sorry to only share half (or less?) of the data, but that's what I have. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Sept 2, 2015 9:12:03 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Honey, you personally deserve better than being in the middle of this. Legally, because she's of age and signed the loan paperwork, it's her problem. She needs to get her rude little fanny back in school full time to defer those loans, and start working as well, to get money together to begin paying them, as well as keep herself in at least some money. If she has spent the forty grand left to her (and I'm having a hard time figuring that out from your OP, but that's my best guess - it's gone and she expects more), then she'd better hope she can scrape together enough to continue her schooling.

Or take a year off, work like a dog and go back part-time.

The issue is between her, her dad and her mom. I know you want to help, and you can be the third party voice of reason here.

I think her mom did the right thing, letting her know what the consequences would be if she stayed in Florida.

I think her dad did the right thing, offering reasonable choices to her, which she refused.

SD sounds like someone who really needs a lesson in how it feels for her butt to hit that proverbial rock bottom.

Thanks for the support. I really don't feel like I'm in the middle at all. In fact, I'm like watching this in a surreal mind fuck on LSD. In my other posts, we've been trying to find ways to help, suggest, etc. but for the most part there is nothing for either H or I to do at this point except watch her lay in the bed she's made. We are not bailing her out (at this point). And I am staunchly against it in the future. She does need to figure out what she wants to do. She IS smart. But she isn't willing to do a thing to help herself.


We thought she might have turned a corner when she wanted to stay in Florida and want our help in figuring out how. Then she asked for first months and last months rent and a security deposit.  And then downturn from her mother... then she was back in Michigan faster than you can imagine. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Sept 2, 2015 8:29:56 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Good luck. 

I don't remember the other posts so all I've got is this thread.  And all I can say is "Wow" 

I think some of it is here:

ymam.proboards.com/thread/35669/frustrated-stepdaughters-choices-update-312

I've tried to be consistent, but since I pass on information I'm given 2nd hand, it may be confusing. But there ya go.

The "full ride" I guess I meant was tuition waiver and not room and board which we were covering before (but are no longer since we turned over the money).

The boyfriend is gone and she has a new one that lives in England but was living in Florida 

Uh god. What a cluster fuck. Reliving it re-reading that thread.

[justme]

Oh geeze, hooking up with the internationals at Disney? Lol They are fun to flirt with though.

[973beachbum]

I have a kid in college and getting information out of them is way more difficult that it should be.  Even if they want too I'm not sure they are capable of giving a straight answer.  A lot of things that I think are straight forward just don't seem to compute to her.  And for some reason what every kid says is given more weight than what DH and I say.    It is like her brain isn't fully cooked.  And I swear she was never dropped on her head!!

I can't imagine how hard it would be to get that info out of a teen that I wasn't on good terms with or who was actively trying to deceive us. 

All I can say is good luck and I hope her brain finishes cooking soon!