Tell me about kids who were "different"

[trimommy]

My son is "different". He's turning 9 next week, and we've known he's been "different" since he was about 4. He is an amazing kid and we love the snot out of him but:

- He has a hard time verbalizing his emotions. He cries easily when upset but then says he's not crying and won't talk about whatever is upsetting him.
- Would rather spend hours playing video games or watching YouTube than playing outside or with other kids.
- Wants to have friends and be social, but tends to yell at other kids when they make him mad or do things he doesn't like, so no one wants to be friends with him.
- Sometimes hits himself (like punches in the head) and when I tell him to be gentle with himself, he says "but it feels good" or "but I like it".
- He pretends not to care what other kids are doing, but I know it bothers him. For example, we have neighbours with a son the same age as my son and a daughter the same age as my daughter. They have known each other for 6 years and have been in the same classes before. The girls were playing at our house tonight and the son came over, so my son came out to see what everyone was doing. The neighbour said "I just want to talk to the girls right now" and so my son went back to play alone in his room. He said he was fine and seemed happy, but I know he was really hurt by this.

So what do I do?! He has seen the school social worker and I don't know if it has really helped much. Our doctor says he is fine. I would suspect he is at the lowest/highest-functioning Aspergers spectrum, but that doesn't mean much without a treatment plan. And I don't know if he even needs a treatment plan?? There used to be weird kids back in the day, and now everyone has a diagnosis. Maybe he is just a weird kid who will grow up to be a perfectly normal adult.

TL; DR - my kid is "different". I just want him to be happy and healthy. Is there anything I need to do?!

[zibazinski]

Oh dear, I'm afraid you do have a problem on your hands. It does sound almost like one of my Aspergers students. Oddly enough we used to have a boy in my class growing up who said and did very odd things. Fortunately he only annoyed the boys but they weren't very kind to him. I'm sorry. They used to physically react when he said or did things that weren't "normal." The teachers and other adults weren't very understanding either and kind of looked the other way. He just stayed to himself after awhile. I think he learned to keep quiet to avoid repurcussions. Now teachers and other students understand these issues. Hopefully you can help guide him if possible in situations like the one you mentioned. Actually he probably doesn't hurt like you think he does. Their "reality" of situations are very different than ours.

[busymom]

Not to depress you, but I'd have your child evaluated for autism by a psychiatrist or psychologist. However, there are many types of learning disabilities out there that are similar to autism, or have some similar qualities, so I wouldn't panic. Do you have an autism association or society in your area that could give you a referral to someone who's good at this type of evaluation? Once you know what you're dealing with, then you can consider therapy options that may help him.

[Apple]

I agree with zib eta: and busymom about a lot of it, except the hurt part.  I would think he may hurt way worse than he lets on (I know this from experience with myself and my son).

My son was put into a "social group" and it was actually much worse for him there than just being left alone.  What an IEP did do for him was allow a teacher to let him leave the class if he needed to, to have a little space and quiet (maybe do his work in the library on a bad day, stuff like that).

Nine was when it started getting rough.  He'd had one or two friends before, but they'd moved away.  He changed to a charter school for middle school, and while the kids were extremely kind and most were nice to him, he never did feel like he had any real friends there.

What helped him was joining the drama team in high school.  I think a chess team or similar would have been great for him too, but they didn't/don't have any here.

You might look into clubs that he'd be interested in.  My son thrived once he got involved with theater.

Whatever your approach, big hugs, it's so hard to feel helpless when they are hurting.

[alabamagal]

My son was different he failed his 4k test. When given 10 blocks and told to build a tall tower he built 2 towers of 5 blocks. Much better structurally but failed the test.

He had issues through elementary school. Middle school was tough. But got things together in high school

College was even better.

He found his true calling and is math geek. He finished college and is on his way to being an actuary. He has a good job is self sufficient at 23 has a fiancé and is doing well in life.

He is probably slightly Aspergers but coping well and definitely a success.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Aug 29, 2015 20:18:25 GMT -5 trimommy said:

My son is "different". He's turning 9 next week, and we've known he's been "different" since he was about 4. He is an amazing kid and we love the snot out of him but:

- He has a hard time verbalizing his emotions. He cries easily when upset but then says he's not crying and won't talk about whatever is upsetting him. - Not entirely uncommon for a boy of 9. Not necessarily a problem all by itself.

- Would rather spend hours playing video games or watching YouTube than playing outside or with other kids. - Video games and YouTube / Internet for HOURS is an option for your 9 year old? That's a problem, but it's not his- it's yours.  Fix that immediately.

- Wants to have friends and be social, but tends to yell at other kids when they make him mad or do things he doesn't like, so no one wants to be friends with him. - How much coaching does he get in this area?  Are visits well supervised, and is there intervention when he gets out of control?  The problem with video games and youtube for hours is that in those worlds they thrive on formulas for instant gratification and of course- the "reset" button. This is not good training for a healthy "real" life.

- Sometimes hits himself (like punches in the head) and when I tell him to be gentle with himself, he says "but it feels good" or "but I like it". - Not right.  Something I'd seek professional help for.

- He pretends not to care what other kids are doing, but I know it bothers him. For example, we have neighbours with a son the same age as my son and a daughter the same age as my daughter. They have known each other for 6 years and have been in the same classes before. The girls were playing at our house tonight and the son came over, so my son came out to see what everyone was doing. The neighbour said "I just want to talk to the girls right now" and so my son went back to play alone in his room. He said he was fine and seemed happy, but I know he was really hurt by this.  - Tough area.  I've seen both sides of it as a parent, and I don't know if there's any practical answer.  There is a boy that loves to come play with my son, but my son doesn't like to play with him.  There's nothing wrong with the other kid- he seems nice enough, they just don't gel.  I have 'forced' the issue and invited him in when he comes by and basically made my son be a good host-- but I can tell that he's just going through the motions. I don't know what's worse- not inviting him over at all, or making my son spend time with him?  Then there's the flip side- my son was friends with two kids for awhile, and had a falling out with one of them over a Minecraft game; the other kid reached out to the other friend- now the two of them are joined at the hip and they've frozen my son out.  He took it in stride, but I know it bothers him on some level.

So what do I do?! He has seen the school social worker and I don't know if it has really helped much. Our doctor says he is fine. I would suspect he is at the lowest/highest-functioning Aspergers spectrum, but that doesn't mean much without a treatment plan. And I don't know if he even needs a treatment plan?? There used to be weird kids back in the day, and now everyone has a diagnosis. Maybe he is just a weird kid who will grow up to be a perfectly normal adult. - Is there any way you can get your son in to see an Autism spectrum specialist?  I think the answer is to get someone that knows the signs, and knows what to look for.  I think a lot of kids we thought were 'different' or strange, or awkward growing up probably had undiagnosed things going on that we just did NOT know about. Unless your doctor is well-informed, and open minded- he or she, if they're 50 or older, might just not be well versed in this unless they're in that specialty.

TL; DR - my kid is "different". I just want him to be happy and healthy. Is there anything I need to do?!

All the best to you and your son.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Based on your spelling of neighbour, I'm going to guess you live in Canada. In the US, we have Individualized Education Plans (IEP) and 504s. 504s are for students who have a challenge that is less than a learning or cognitive disability. In regards to his education, he might need a 504, but I have no idea what they're called in Canada. 

Socialization is hard for everyone, it's just not as hard for some as a it is for others. While I agree that hours of video games is probably not a great plan, have you looked into camps, groups, competitions for video gamers? That might be where he's able to click with his peers. 

Last, but certainly not least, hugs.

[TheHaitian]

Besides the "hurting himself" part, I was basically your son growing up.

Socially awkward, could not make friends to save my life, always solo and kept to myself, not much of a social life.

I really didn't find my groove till toward the end of high school and really college.

My saving grace was my family: my cousins were my built in friends and the world may have shunned me but they loved and welcomed me no matter my faults.

I am still socially awkward at times, I prefer a core group of friends vs 100's, and find it hard to trust people (been hurt in the past).... But overall I have a good life.

Hugs to you and your son

[Deleted]

I honestly don't think homeschooling is the answer for everything, promise! But is there any way you can put him in an environment where socialization is smaller group/ more free form but also more monitored (seems a contradiction, but not)... Just like some kids take longer to be ready academically, others, as noted here by those who reached stride later, are not social flyers till later. It's particularly difficult with kids who are academically advanced and emotionally 'behind' their chronological age...

[moneymaven]

Big hugs to you and your son.

[zibazinski]

Whatever you decide get him evaluated so you know what you're dealing with and how to help/what resources are out there.

[Lizard Queen]

Don't most kids these days prefer video games and YouTube to playing outside? Definitely get him evaluated to see if you can get professional help. Sometimes all it takes is for kids to find their own kind. Try to give him lots of opportunities to interact with other kids, (preferably in a structured way). More likely to find his own kind that way. I also have noticed that my kids get along best when i referee. So maybe mention something or model better behavior during these outbursts? Good luck!

[Phoenix84]

I have aspergur's, and your son sounds a lot like I was as a kid.

Unfortunately, as harsh as it sounds, I don't think there's really much you can do.  You can't fundamentally change who he is, but perhaps you can teach him coping mechanisms.  I still struggle to this day to form "normal" friendships and have "normal" social interactions.

Things do get better as you get older.  You learn how to better cope with others and adults are generally more tolerant and understanding of differences than children.

Zib does have a point that he probably doesn't suffer as much as you might think.  When it's fundamentally part of who you are, you just get used to it.

And some of the behavior you described isn't all that unusual.  Not wanting to play outside and play lots of video games and watch youtube sounds like just about every pre teen and teen boy out there.  And I remember specifically having the "I don't care if I have friends" attitude growing up.  And any pre teen or teen boy that can talk about his feelings is as rare as a unicorn.

[Deleted]

Lol. It isn't the only option. But I do think an alternative environment is not a bad thing to consider.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Aug 30, 2015 16:05:41 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Public school YMAM is kind of a forced social environment that's awkward even for social kids posters and might not be the best fit for a veteran/IT guy/toy store owner/college student that doesn't do well socially. It was just too good an opportunity to poke at you. I couldn't let it pass by.

Fixed.  

It was just too good an opportunity to poke at you.  I couldn't let it pass by.

 

[Tiny]

Aug 29, 2015 20:18:25 GMT -5 trimommy said:

My son is "different". He's turning 9 next week, and we've known he's been "different" since he was about 4. He is an amazing kid and we love the snot out of him but:

- He has a hard time verbalizing his emotions. He cries easily when upset but then says he's not crying and won't talk about whatever is upsetting him.

What about trying to coax/ask him about what he was feeling in 'retrospect' - after he's calmed down or when you are in a "neutral" kind of time of day?
I was like this as a kid - but the reason I never said anything was because I felt like saying something about it at the time just made in more 'real' and made me feel more of a 'failure' - especially if someone was 'pressuring' me to cough up some response and I wasn't sure what the 'right response' was (ie what the person wanted to hear). I grew up with an alcoholic father, and pre Vatican II Catholic ideals, with an older mother who just didn't have time/energy... there were 'right answers' that were 'right' regardless of the actual situation... my experiences may be limited.

But, maybe the 'overwhelmed' feeling (the emotion that caused the crying combined with the not wanting to cry and then being asked WHY he's crying)  is what's keeping him from talking. Maybe after a bit of time passes you can revisit the situation and ask him about it, ask him about what he wishes he had done, ask him what he thinks would have been a better behavior... etc..

- Would rather spend hours playing video games or watching YouTube than playing outside or with other kids.

What about getting him involved in some sort of sport or activity that involves fewer people... like golf or tennis or running or rowing or swimming some sport that's kind of a 'team activity' but, doesn't require a team of players all working together at the same time (except for rowing ). What about the ultimate geek-ery that is playing games - board or cards? Teach the kid bridge or rummy and then move on to board games (and I'm not talking the traditional ones) try something like Dixit or Castle Panic.... something that requires a 'strategy' or 'creativity'.   The kid might like the endless books of rules that some RPG games have (Pathfinder? or older Jackson Games titles or old Wizards of the Coast). You play these with other people - but it's more 'orderly' and organized ... kinda like a video game      I socialize great in predictable kinds of situations where everyone in the group has a focus (above and beyond 'socializing').  Maybe those kinds of situations would feel more comfortable AND would involve other people.

Or what about the entertainment of making paper airplanes (yeah there's more than just one kind!) or kites or models of some sort?  you know - something creative (and maybe science-y!!!)   Things you do sort of by yourself - but there are other people who also do that kind of stuff - so you aren't really 'alone'.

You may have to give it some thought - since culture/society is all about "lets get 50 people together and do X! and anyone who can't navigate that social event isn't normal" is what everyone aspires to - you might have to think outside the box abit to find the more "doing X by myself - but not totally alone" kinda things in life.

- Wants to have friends and be social, but tends to yell at other kids when they make him mad or do things he doesn't like, so no one wants to be friends with him.

I've witnessed my friend's discretely coaching their kid BEFORE a situation or an event... kind of with a "if X happens how are you going to behave? Remember just like at home (when we did it 'pretend')" Maybe you need to help him 're-learn' some new responses to situations. Don't tell him he's doing it wrong (I bet he already feels that way), but that maybe you/he could work out a better response/behavior. Maybe you could work with him on a way to recover when he does annoy the other kids...
This just needs practice and patience and persistence on his part.

- Sometimes hits himself (like punches in the head) and when I tell him to be gentle with himself, he says "but it feels good" or "but I like it".

This is not good. When you don't have any other outlet or haven't worked out a 'good way' to deal with emotions/in your head talk especially when you are feeling bad about yourself - it does sometimes feel good to hurt yourself. If it becomes the "go to relieve" when things are rough... well, you'll need more help that what you'll get here. I'd bet that making progress on some of the above things will help alleviate the self hurting at this stage.

- He pretends not to care what other kids are doing, but I know it bothers him. For example, we have neighbours with a son the same age as my son and a daughter the same age as my daughter. They have known each other for 6 years and have been in the same classes before. The girls were playing at our house tonight and the son came over, so my son came out to see what everyone was doing. The neighbour said "I just want to talk to the girls right now" and so my son went back to play alone in his room. He said he was fine and seemed happy, but I know he was really hurt by this.

That's totally pretty normal... try to find something that he likes to do (other than sit in front of screen - he's got his whole adult life to do that ) and maybe work on some of his responses and I suspect that the experiences will help.

Just my non-medical/non-professional ideas/thoughts.

[Tiny]

Trimommy.. how's your kid's vision? I was blind as a bat in 4th grade but no one figured it out until it was late in 7th grade.

I want to a crappy private grade school.. so while we had a vision test of sorts - they had us line up outside a classroom where one by one each kid would go into the classroom and then was asked to 'read' a chart with letters on it. Of course those of outside the room could hear the 'answers' - when it was my turn I just repeated back the 'right answers' and passed the test with flying colors - even though I couldn't actually see the letters (just dark blotches on a light background) .  4th grade is when I remember wondering about the blotches and why we had to do this particular 'test' since it was so easy to pass.   I probably had vision trouble before then...

I'm guessing my inability to actually see faces and reactions is what made it so hard to deal with social situations... I lost out on all the visual cues... I suspect that even a bit of visual impairment might make a difference if you can't 'read' a persons body language or other visual cues from a distance...


Just another thought.

[zibazinski]

Chess!! Chess club then.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Tiny is absolutely right -- find him some group activities where the interaction isn't so focused on one-on-one exchanges.  Even if it is just a matter that his social skills are weak and he needs some practice, he is not getting any practice playing video games alone.  

Boys often (albeit, not always) connect through sports.  If your son isn't particularly driven to play sports or lacks the gross and fine motor skills for various sports, then track and field would be perfect.  Or, swimming, even.  He doesn't need to play travel club soccer or baseball if that's not his skill level, but that doesn't mean he can't find a sport he can enjoy and through which he can connect with other kids.  You might have to drag him away from the screen, but physical activity is good for the body and mind, anyway.  Recreational-level teams offer a very-low-level of competition that motivates the kids and gives them something to bond over without placing a great deal of pressure and stress on individual performances.  Check with your town's recreation department, park district, YMCA, Boys/Girls club for these kinds of programs.  

Also, as Zib said, Chess club.  Or Robotics.  Does he draw--an Art club or classes?  

Find things he enjoys doing and build off of those interests to get him out and involved in group activities.  It will require time and money on your part, but what about kids doesn't require our time and money, LOL?

[Deleted]

'Practice' socializing is a mixed bag. Sometimes it's just overstimulation which requires more energy than it is worth and ends up in kid needing MORE alone time to recover. Not all social situations are created equal, and not all give equal benefit to the kid. Giving him a chance to socialize around subjects and activities he likes is better than just throwing him in any old social situation 'for practice'... Limiting 'meaningless' social interactions so that the kid can go in fresh to those other, more chosen/limited, social situations... Ie. Targeted and meaningful, is going to be more effective at this stage. 

In other words, overwhelming him with constant needs to interact is not going to serve as practice necessarily for kids in this situation. 

There is no reason that a kid who likes games and minecraft can't interact with others around those topics. 

[Lizard Queen]

Aug 31, 2015 9:37:59 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Tiny is absolutely right -- find him some group activities where the interaction isn't so focused on one-on-one exchanges.  Even if it is just a matter that his social skills are weak and he needs some practice, he is not getting any practice playing video games alone.  

Boys often (albeit, not always) connect through sports.  If your son isn't particularly driven to play sports or lacks the gross and fine motor skills for various sports, then track and field would be perfect.  Or, swimming, even.  He doesn't need to play travel club soccer or baseball if that's not his skill level, but that doesn't mean he can't find a sport he can enjoy and through which he can connect with other kids.  You might have to drag him away from the screen, but physical activity is good for the body and mind, anyway.  Recreational-level teams offer a very-low-level of competition that motivates the kids and gives them something to bond over without placing a great deal of pressure and stress on individual performances.  Check with your town's recreation department, park district, YMCA, Boys/Girls club for these kinds of programs.  

Also, as Zib said, Chess club.  Or Robotics.  Does he draw--an Art club or classes?  

Find things he enjoys doing and build off of those interests to get him out and involved in group activities.  It will require time and money on your part, but what about kids doesn't require our time and money, LOL?

  Seems like these types of kids do well with something like karate as well.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

[Ryan]

I would also get him involved in things that he would be interested in (computer related) or wouldn't fight too much (some low competition sport).  

Does he have any friends?  When he's at school does he play with other kids?  I would think that if he's yelling at kids like that then he should be working with a social worker.  

[happyhoix]

I don't know, I think most kids are kind of weird in some area when they're young. My sister had this paranoid idea that her underwear would fall down (this is back in the day when girls wore skirts all the time) and she used to take about five safety pins and pin her underwear to her undershirts so tightly that she ripped big holes in both of them. I know because I inherited her clothes and all her underwear looked like mice had eaten them. As an adult she figured out she has some OCD. I was a tom boy who preferred playing in the woods by myself all the time, which upset my mom, who wanted me to be interested in dolls (I hated dolls). There wasn't anything wrong with me, I just like being by myself, and never liked dolls or Barbies.  

I agree with those who suggest finding an activity for him that would put him with a group of other kids with the same interest - some sport, or maybe he would like boy scouts and camping. Also limiting how much time he can spend on the video games and computer would force him to find some other interests. 
   

[trippypea]

Someone above mentioned vision, but how's his hearing? Even a slight hearing loss can make it difficult to follow along in group situations and they are often not caught early. It's easier to not join in at all than worry about making a mistake...

[Chocolate Lover]

He sounds a lot like my youngest, who has ADHD.  His social skills are atrocious but that and ODD are his only diagnoses. He gets along better with younger kids and girls. He also likes Minecraft and Youtube but will go outside on his own to ride his bike. I've always encouraged activity to A) get a little peace and quiet as he talks non stop and B) it's good for him.


I'm not sure what to suggest as each kid can be wildly different even with similarities.

[mojothehelpermonkey]

I was a "different" child back in the 80s when we were called "spirited". Even though I was a second child, my parents felt the need to enroll in a special parenting class to try to figure out what to do with me. My mom took me to therapy when I was a teenager, and one of the counselors suggested that I might have a Schizotypal personality disorder. In junior high and high school, I wasn't an outcast, but I didn't have much of a social life. It took me longer than some of the other kids to develop good social skills, and I was terrified of rejection. I was also a cutter, which is a terrible thing to do but sometimes it felt like the only way to make myself feel better.

I finally started feeling like a normal, happy person when I was in college. I was surrounded by a lot of overachieving nerds and made more friends than I had ever had before. I also received treatment for depression and anxiety from the student health services. I am now a 35 year old with plenty of friends and a wonderful SO. I still am not extremely social and need a lot of alone time, but I am a happy person and my mom is proud of me.

[Deleted]

Honestly the hitting himself for relief made me think of cutting.

[Tiny]

Aug 31, 2015 9:46:54 GMT -5 oped said:

'Practice' socializing is a mixed bag. Sometimes it's just overstimulation which requires more energy than it is worth and ends up in kid needing MORE alone time to recover. Not all social situations are created equal, and not all give equal benefit to the kid. Giving him a chance to socialize around subjects and activities he likes is better than just throwing him in any old social situation 'for practice'... Limiting 'meaningless' social interactions so that the kid can go in fresh to those other, more chosen/limited, social situations... Ie. Targeted and meaningful, is going to be more effective at this stage. 

In other words, overwhelming him with constant needs to interact is not going to serve as practice necessarily for kids in this situation. 

There is no reason that a kid who likes games and minecraft can't interact with others around those topics. 

I just saw this... I was raised with the "get thrown into the deep end (unexpectedly) and sink or swim" method of parenting.    So, watching my friend's coach their kids was amazing and eye opening to me. 

Maybe "practice" isn't the right thing... I'm thinking more along the lines of something as simple as just going over once or twice the right way to introduce yourself OR what's the proper way to address adults - like your new friend's parents...   Something an adult (who already knows how all that works) forgets that maybe their kid hasn't ever really been in that situation and so literally doesn't know what the proper 'words' are...  

 

For example:  if the kid is heading into some sort of situation for the first time (or second time)... right before you get there - go over what they can expect... if it's someone house they've never been to before a quick "Ok, be on your best behavior - no running in the house, and Indoor Voices!.   First we're all gonna say hello to the hostest/host Mrs & Mr X,  after that you can go play with their kids, not before.    Remember:  PLEASE and THANK YOU! "

Versus getting to the house and expecting your kid to remember Mrs & Mr X last name and the proper way to greet them - especially if you call Mrs & Mr. X,   Sally and Bob - and expecting your kid to NOT want to rush over and see what the other kids are doing. 

     

That's the kind of thing I was thinking off.