Are your parents playing favorites....

[TheHaitian]

Or you are just too greedy? Which is it?

www.washingtonpost.com/business/plain-old-greed-is-the-root-of-the-financial-favoritism-debate/2015/08/14/3689c7ba-4212-11e5-846d-02792f854297_story.html

I don't know how a parent is to navigate it but to reduce it to something as simple as "greed" is really avoiding the whole issue.

To a parents it might just seem I am helping my kid that need it the most, but to the kid that is not getting anything it comes off at "my parents value my sibling more".

It is not just money, the parents spend more time worrying about the child, more time talking about them, more time talking to the OTHER child about them, more time focusing on them that it does come off that they are playing favorites.

We are not asking for the other sibling to get less, we are asking that we get just as much: attention, calls, visits, love and yes MONEY.

[kittensaver]

Sigh. Sibling rivalry is as old as the history of human beings. Money is no more than a symptom - it is not the problem. If it wasn't money, it would be something else (some other kind of indicator that "proves" to the aggrieved child that his/her parents love another sibling "more").

My mother spent a number of years "crying poor" after she retired. I used to give her money, until I discovered she was turning around and funneling it to my 2 irresponsible sibs. She felt "bad" and "sorry" for them. She was practicing "favoritism" with MY MONEY!  She no longer gets money from me. I take care of her in other ways (she's 92), but I no longer hand her cash.

Some of us have the opposite problem!

[Deleted]

I honestly have no clue what money my parents have given my siblings.  What they do with their money is their business and they don't share stuff like that.  I suppose if I was sitting at the dinner table and they were telling me how they just paid off so and so's student loan debt or bought so and so a car I might get testy, but they don't.  If it happens everyone knows to keep their mouth shut about it. 

[shelby]

Do not get me started on this...ugg. Yes I know how it feels being the one not getting nearly as much. But honestly I prefer it this way. My sister if you read my other thread is an entitled sociopath from my fathers years of coddling. She has no idea how to take care of herself and does not think she should have too. It is very unhealthy for all involved to give more support to one child over the others. And it hurts the one receiving the extra support more than it helps....in my experience at least and I am pretty sure I am not alone on this.

[giramomma]

My ILs kept EVERYTHING even between DH and BIL.

My BIL still has a different perspective on growing up than my DH does. People have all sorts of different lenses...

It's interesting that my DH doesn't feel the same way BIL does, actually.

We tell our kids that fair does not mean equal. They get what they need when they need it. My kids, THANK GOD, are not the same individuals. They all have different personalities and different desires.

When DS (11) has been getting pissy, lately, I've told him if he wants to be treated equally, I'll start spending $25 for him on Christmas, like I do for the peanut. And he can wear nearly all hand me down clothing, and we'll drop him from all activities other than school. That usually shuts him up really, really quick.

[The Captain]

I know someone who basically spent the kids' college funds to keep their oldest out of jail.  The younger, who never did a damn thing wrong, is working close to FT and going to community college while the older continues to party and be an ass.

It's not fair and I feel for the youngest because there is a LOT of resentment there (and I don't blame them - oldest got to go away for two+ years, have fun, fucked up big time, and basically never said sorry I screwed it up for you).

Yea the parents' money, mostly.  Some came from the grandparents but still I guess they have the right to spend it as they wish.



 

[lexxy703]

We tell our kids that fair does not mean equal. They get what they need when they need it.

This was my parents.  My brother & I are very different in our personalities.  And what we needed from our parents & when.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I don't think my parents playing favorites - not with money, time or attention.  There are 5 of us; 4 married with kids.  All 5 of us have respectable household incomes.  The youngest still lives at home at 34.  He's partially launched, in that he has a good job, has savings in both retirement and non-retirement accounts.  He pays for some of the bills but doesn't pay rent.  But he, Mom and Dad are ok with this setup.  ANd while my siblings and I snark on him about not moving out, as our parents age, him still being home has been a blessing.  He'll handle the lawn during these dog days of summer and the snow in winter. 

I think I suck up the most of their time.  I have the youngest kids and often ask for babysitting help.  For example, tomorrow the kids have doctor appts and then I have a dentist appt.  Mom's going to watch them while I'm at the dentist.  And while I run some errands afterward.  And feed them dinner because I'm not sure what time I'll be done with all my stuff. 

As far as I know, Mom and Dad aren't funneling money to any of my siblings or the assorted grandkids.  Mom's got set amounts for bdays and Christmas presents for everyone. 

I think my older brother got the joy of being named executor of their will.  My younger sister (the nurse) got medical POA.

[souldoubt]

Yes but I kind of win by default since I'm an only child.  

[bean29]

Yeah, I don't think things have to be equal, but I do think that no one should be cut out, and I agree that if you budget your $$ and save it is irritating if the one who does not blows it all and then expects family to cover their shortage.

These same ones seem to also never be around when Mom and Dad need help. When my Dad was alive I used to go clean Mom's house before every holiday b/c Mom worked too hard taking care of Dad to get ready for a party and cook a Meal. My DB who is also well off does lots of different stuff for Mom - lots of house repairs etc, so I don't begrudge that he was not there. When Mom needed a car, it was My Brother and I. When we talked about what to do with the life insurance Money after Dad died, it was my Brother and I (I am pretty sure my DS is the executor of the will...and she is so poor and her DH is a trainwreck =recipe for a problem).

DH called his youngest brother and asked him to go over and check on his parent's house b/c they are out of town with another brother visiting brothers 3&4. BIL never said he would do it, he just bitched at DH about how his Mother didn't trust him b/c she never told him she was going out of town. DH told him, well Mom didn't make up her mind until the last minute that she was even going to go. With my in-laws if they leave everything to the less well off it will be an outrage b/c most of what they have is b/c DH and I pay for lots of extras for them. Their house was a complete rehab. DH paid for all the repairs and the Plumbing and Electrical contractors. He has bought them their last 4 cars and the last 3 sets of furniture.  

DH has family that constantly seem to go on trips...more so than we do. DD has two friends that are low income (one lives in low income housing) that Went to Germany, Jamaica, Florida and New York in about a year. You bet it irritates me that I have to pay more of my kids college expenses and forgo a vacation and these other families can afford to travel like that.  It would be much easier to pay my kids tuition if I did not have to pay part of the low income student's + all of theirs.  Just let me keep my $$.  When I went to school we didn't expect anyone else to help out.  I didn't think my family could affort college so I went to Technical School and got an AA in Accounting then I completed my Bachelors in Accounting going to night school while I worked FT.

[Deleted]

Given that my sister and I have equal potential and have had equal opportunities, my parents keep things fair in their own ways.  My father doesn't count my 4 person family the same as her 2 person family, so my kids get sometimes outside of keeping us sisters even. 

[happyhoix]

Aug 19, 2015 13:49:14 GMT -5 shelby said:

Do not get me started on this...ugg. Yes I know how it feels being the one not getting nearly as much. But honestly I prefer it this way. My sister if you read my other thread is an entitled sociopath from my fathers years of coddling. She has no idea how to take care of herself and does not think she should have too. It is very unhealthy for all involved to give more support to one child over the others. And it hurts the one receiving the extra support more than it helps....in my experience at least and I am pretty sure I am not alone on this.

No you are exactly right.

In our family, my mom ran things (dad was expected to stay in the background and furnish his paycheck, and that's what he did).  Mom was very verbally and physically abusive to the oldest sib, and with her, love = money. When BS was old enough to leave home, she did, and exiled herself from the family. At that point, mom turned her focus on her youngest child. She told the rest of us we didn't turn out the way she wanted, and she was going to make sure the youngest was the kind of daughter she wanted, which meant LS got all her attention, approval, time, and money. The middle kids got mostly ignored, which used to bother me, when I was a kid and young adult.

I used to think BS got the worse end of the deal. However, as a middle aged adult, I've come to realize my LS is the most screwed up of all of us. Having been raised to believe she's the center of the universe, she is constantly disappointed when those around her fail to cater to her. She's never held a job for very long because she becomes convinced the boss hates her. She can't get along with co-workers, who hate her. All her in laws are mean to her and hate her. She's had run ins with neighbors and church members (who hate her). She has zero empathy for anyone else's feelings, and doesn't seem to realize that when you have melt downs and say viscous things about other people, they will be angry. She says they are being childish and petty when they do that - as I said, zero empathy.

I am now extremely grateful I was a middle kid in our crazy dysfunctional family. Sometimes, getting a lot of attention from your parent is the worse thing that can happen to you - too much positive attention, IMHO, is sometimes even worse than too much negative attention. 
 

[cktc]

I don't think financially needy and favorite necessarily go together. Most parents would probably prefer financially independent children. Perhaps the needy maintain more frequent contact and know which buttons to push to make the parents feel more valued and appreciated.

I'm 95% certain I'm the favorite, but money flows the opposite way. I doubt I put in more money, but I know I put in more time than the rest.

[Green Eyed Lady]

I don't feel that way about my mom, but it's really none of my business what she does with her money.  I admit to feeling that way about the government. It seems those who won't take care of themselves get rewarded with money thrown at them to pay for the same things I have to actually work for. That pisses me off and it's kind of the same thing without the emotional component.  It's just the way life is.

[bean29]

Aug 19, 2015 14:49:03 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

Aug 19, 2015 13:49:14 GMT -5 shelby said:

Do not get me started on this...ugg. Yes I know how it feels being the one not getting nearly as much. But honestly I prefer it this way. My sister if you read my other thread is an entitled sociopath from my fathers years of coddling. She has no idea how to take care of herself and does not think she should have too. It is very unhealthy for all involved to give more support to one child over the others. And it hurts the one receiving the extra support more than it helps....in my experience at least and I am pretty sure I am not alone on this.

No you are exactly right.

In our family, my mom ran things (dad was expected to stay in the background and furnish his paycheck, and that's what he did).  Mom was very verbally and physically abusive to the oldest sib, and with her, love = money. When BS was old enough to leave home, she did, and exiled herself from the family. At that point, mom turned her focus on her youngest child. She told the rest of us we didn't turn out the way she wanted, and she was going to make sure the youngest was the kind of daughter she wanted, which meant LS got all her attention, approval, time, and money. The middle kids got mostly ignored, which used to bother me, when I was a kid and young adult.

I used to think BS got the worse end of the deal. However, as a middle aged adult, I've come to realize my LS is the most screwed up of all of us. Having been raised to believe she's the center of the universe, she is constantly disappointed when those around her fail to cater to her. She's never held a job for very long because she becomes convinced the boss hates her. She can't get along with co-workers, who hate her. All her in laws are mean to her and hate her. She's had run ins with neighbors and church members (who hate her). She has zero empathy for anyone else's feelings, and doesn't seem to realize that when you have melt downs and say viscous things about other people, they will be angry. She says they are being childish and petty when they do that - as I said, zero empathy.

I am now extremely grateful I was a middle kid in our crazy dysfunctional family. Sometimes, getting a lot of attention from your parent is the worse thing that can happen to you - too much positive attention, IMHO, is sometimes even worse than too much negative attention. 
 

HH, my BIL that did not want to drive 3 blocks to check on his parent's house/make sure the plants are watered is the youngest.  I have always felt he was a whiner and had spoiled brat syndrome.  Most of the rest of the brother's have more of a caretaker attitude to the parents.  3rd youngest drove them on their trip, 5th in line brought food (spend quite a bit of $$) for the parents to take to his out of town siblings. 

Sometimes I don't blame my DS for their financial problems and generally don't begrudge her getting help from my Mom, but My Mom and I and my DH and I got pulled into her in-laws financial issues this past year, and I realized my DS is more of a train wreck than I ever thought before.  I think she is guilty of some willful ignorance.  I get it to a certain extent - there is only so much one person can handle, but then again...there was some stuff going on with her MIL that DH and I pretty much tag team on for his parents (like making sure the taxes are filed).  I will take my MIL's broken English and stellar financial understanding over a hillbilly spendthrift with perfect English any day.

[swamp]

Yes, my parents like me best.

[dannylion]

I was the favorite.

Of course, I was an only child, so ...

[Deleted]

In my family, I will admit I was spoiled. I am the younger but I also wasn't expected to live after having spinal meningitis at 6 months old. My mother, I believe, felt enormous guilt about it up until the day she died and so somewhat spoiled me. It wasn't her fault but too late to ask her now. Of course, there was also the fact that I was too young to understand my parents' divorce so wasn't a bitch to her like my sister was for a long time.

My sister is just there. She doesn't and didn't give two shits about anything really pertaining to "family". Not just parentage and whatnot but what makes a family a family. I am the younger one but my dad made me executrix because he was perfectly aware that she didn't give a shit. Unfortunately, the bugger died before he could do the paperwork to give me the house and my sister the money. She knew about the plan but didn't care and since it wasn't in writing at the time of his death, didn't give 2 shits. Ok, not that I would have stayed in Lynn but still, the option would have been nice. Of course, I haven't told her that I never did sell off the Verizon stock or the Metlife shares so I still get dividends from those. We kind of half-assed the whole estate settlement thing since it's just the 2 of us.

With our mother, the only thing she had of value was a cat. I got that. Woo-hoo!! I put her down last September, due to illness. (The cat, not my mother.) She died on her own, TYVM. With the help of some morphine from the hospice facility she died in.

Another also is, I am my father's child. I have an incredibly worthless English degree and we both loved to read. I will never be a teacher like he was, don't like kids, but I do have a passion for words. Good thing I took after the paternal side, except for the drinking. We do both take after the maternal side for that. I'd rather have that than the thunder thighs and thinning scalp that I know I am doomed to in the future.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Yeah I am so greedy for my parents vast estate of. .. nothing.

It's more resentment over the fact that by helping my brother so much my parents put themselves in a precarious perch.   I worry about what the long term consequences will be from all this.  I sure as hell can't afford to take care of them.   Personally I think they should have to move in with my brother he owes them BIG TIME.

I know I am supposed to be all YM hard hearted and not care, just smugly tell them you got what you deserve when the time comes.  But I can't.   Despite their flaws when it comes to the relationship they have with my brother they are my parents. 

Doesn't mean I don't think the whole situation is a giant clusterf*ck and haven't wanted to murder my brother on several occassions.

Fortunately he seems to have pulled his head out of his ass in the past six months.   Now that he's two states away we have a much better relationship with each other.  Hopefully when the time comes he'll step up and take some of the load off of me.  We'll see I guess.

[bean29]

Aug 19, 2015 16:10:12 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I was an only child sooo

My inlaws family tried to keep it even but we are ending up with all the work

caring for his mom

We told son years again everything would likely go to his sister when we still had

visions of being able to pay for private group homes but not going to happen. He didn't

have a problem with it.  But we are back to 1/2 and 1/2. But I am rethinking if she is

in a state home likely most will be left to him, well if anything is left after we have taken

care of ourselves.

I actually have no problem with this, someone asked you - I did not see an answer - you are not actually obligated to support her are you - she is an adult right, so It is her right/your right to have her care funded by SSI isn't it?   I would hope that if you left 100% to DS he would keep an eye on his sister and buy her clothing/necessities as needed- but why not leave him some $$ rather than have all of it go to the government so that they can use it to buy a lobbyist or give $$ away to their supporters.

[emma1420]

My dad keeps a spreadsheet of exactly how much he has given my brother and I.  He's a fanatic about keeping things "equal".  

I know my dad buys the occasional gift for my brother and I at different times (typically out of the blue) and asks us not to say anything to the other.  My most recent out of the blue gift was an Apple TV box.  I don't think my brother thinks that my dad plays favorites with either of us.  However, I do think that he is envious that my parents have the money to do things that he doesn't.   Mind you, I'm envious of that sometimes as well.

[Deleted]

I will admit that I have no idea about what my MIL has planned when she passes. There are 6 kids, 8 grandkids and 1 great-grand. I know she wants to give the condo in Fla. outright to a BIL and his wife now because they will enjoy it. She needs to get an appraisal and the logistics figured out for that. Good thing is he's a good one who is fair.

I also think everyone expects a little something extra in the will for DH because he is the only one with a neurological disease that will kill him, sooner or later. I just don't know and I just don't care (the will, not DH). As his mother put it, 2 of his sisters-in-law seem to be counting the money and thinking it should go to them but the rest them (us) of really don't care. We want our parents, not their money. They might have made a provision for him way back when after he was diagnosed but I don't know and don't care. I'm too busy busting my ass with 2 jobs to support him because I love him. No more, no less.

I would give anything to have my parents back. I really don't give a shit about their money, or lack thereof. I just want my mommy and daddy.

[tskeeter]

As much as parents might try to keep things equitable, I doubt that most families would completely agree with the parent's assessment.  There are simply too many issues involved.  First, there is the financial stuff.  That's really the easiest part.  Then there other things.  Like Mom and Dad spent years helping care for your kids.  I lived three states away, so I didn't get any help.  Mom and Dad spent a fortune on gifts and the like for your kids.  I never had any kids, and I feel short changed becuase they lavished attention on your kids.  The folks loaned you money for a house, a car, to start a business, etc.  I "had" to do it without Mom and Dad's help.  All the way down to who is going to get Mom's rosette iron.  It's only worth about $20, but why should you get it, not me?  There might even be resentment abut things like Mom and Dad would visit you and stay with you, but not me.  No consideration would be given to the thought that you kept your house so cold in the winter time that they froze to death and that you acted like having them visit was an inconvenience rather than a pleasure.

Famlies; sometimes you'd rather be an only child! 

[whoisjohngalt]

Ever since I had kids - they became the favorite to my parents!!!  j/k

I am the only child so can't comment.

I wonder how my IL's feel, though.  they consider my DH their rock, while they give everything they barely have to their daughter. 

I don't think it upsets my husband at all, I think he feels sorry for his sister.

It completely breaks my heart reading some of your stories.  I worry about this a lot with my kids bc I can already see how different their needs are going to be and who knows if they will think I favor one over the other.

I do tell each of them that they are not the sun, so may be they won't expect much

[zibazinski]

Aug 19, 2015 16:30:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Aug 19, 2015 16:10:12 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I was an only child sooo

My inlaws family tried to keep it even but we are ending up with all the work

caring for his mom

We told son years again everything would likely go to his sister when we still had

visions of being able to pay for private group homes but not going to happen. He didn't

have a problem with it.  But we are back to 1/2 and 1/2. But I am rethinking if she is

in a state home likely most will be left to him, well if anything is left after we have taken

care of ourselves.

I actually have no problem with this, someone asked you - I did not see an answer - you are not actually obligated to support her are you - she is an adult right, so It is her right/your right to have her care funded by SSI isn't it?   I would hope that if you left 100% to DS he would keep an eye on his sister and buy her clothing/necessities as needed- but why not leave him some $$ rather than have all of it go to the government so that they can use it to buy a lobbyist or give $$ away to their supporters.

The danger of doing that is, God forbid, something happens to Pat's son, it goes to his wife and child. Would she be willing to use that money to support someone she barely knows?

[bean29]

Aug 19, 2015 20:50:01 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Aug 19, 2015 16:30:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

I actually have no problem with this, someone asked you - I did not see an answer - you are not actually obligated to support her are you - she is an adult right, so It is her right/your right to have her care funded by SSI isn't it?   I would hope that if you left 100% to DS he would keep an eye on his sister and buy her clothing/necessities as needed- but why not leave him some $$ rather than have all of it go to the government so that they can use it to buy a lobbyist or give $$ away to their supporters.

The danger of doing that is, God forbid, something happens to Pat's son, it goes to his wife and child. Would she be willing to use that money to support someone she barely knows?

I don't know. I would, about 3/4 of the people I know would. But if it is not in a trust, it goes to the government and Dd would get no more benefit from it than if it all went to SIL and nephew/niece.

[Deleted]

Aug 19, 2015 16:30:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Aug 19, 2015 16:10:12 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I was an only child sooo

My inlaws family tried to keep it even but we are ending up with all the work

caring for his mom

We told son years again everything would likely go to his sister when we still had

visions of being able to pay for private group homes but not going to happen. He didn't

have a problem with it.  But we are back to 1/2 and 1/2. But I am rethinking if she is

in a state home likely most will be left to him, well if anything is left after we have taken

care of ourselves.

I actually have no problem with this, someone asked you - I did not see an answer - you are not actually obligated to support her are you - she is an adult right, so It is her right/your right to have her care funded by SSI isn't it?   I would hope that if you left 100% to DS he would keep an eye on his sister and buy her clothing/necessities as needed- but why not leave him some $$ rather than have all of it go to the government so that they can use it to buy a lobbyist or give $$ away to their supporters.

Pat's son lives in another country and I'm guessing she doesn't want to put that responsibility on him. 

[bean29]

Aug 20, 2015 7:20:59 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Aug 19, 2015 16:30:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

I actually have no problem with this, someone asked you - I did not see an answer - you are not actually obligated to support her are you - she is an adult right, so It is her right/your right to have her care funded by SSI isn't it?   I would hope that if you left 100% to DS he would keep an eye on his sister and buy her clothing/necessities as needed- but why not leave him some $$ rather than have all of it go to the government so that they can use it to buy a lobbyist or give $$ away to their supporters.

Pat's son lives in another country and I'm guessing she doesn't want to put that responsibility on him. 

I thought she indicated he would retire here/move here maybe after his current contract ends or 1 more renewal?

[Deleted]

Aug 20, 2015 9:07:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Aug 20, 2015 7:20:59 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Pat's son lives in another country and I'm guessing she doesn't want to put that responsibility on him. 

I thought she indicated he would retire here/move here maybe after his current contract ends or 1 more renewal?

I don't know, maybe, but maybe he won't?   Having two kids myself, I wouldn't feel right expecting one to look after the other after I died.  Now, maybe he will want to and just do it, but if I was Pat, I'd rather be sure DD was taken care of without burdening DS. 

[NoNamePerson]

My son refers to me as his favorite mom and I refer to him as my favorite son! He's an only child, I'm an only child of an only child and my son has no children. We can't play favorites if we wanted too.