The pitfalls of Planning a funeral around a wedding

[muttleynfelix]

When MIL passed away in May, it was decided that a funeral would be held at a later date in her hometown.  Since DH's cousin is getting married in October near that town, it was decided that rather than make 2 trips that direction, we would do the funeral that same weekend.  The last 2 days DH and I have been blindsided by 2 things on that weekend.

Last night, it was casually mentioned that the funerl was in Thursday. We'd been operating, I thought on fact, but probably more assumption that it was on Sunday. I know it wasn't typical, but I just thought with the family thing, maybe they would make an exception. Everyone else had apparently known for a while.  I'm a little shellshocked. We already had hotel reservations (which still work, but now we have to figure out what to do on Thursday night).

This evening I found out that the kids weren't invited to the wedding.  That wouldn't be a big deal if we weren't having the funeral, in fact I had planned not to take the kids until it was determined we were having the funeral that weekend.  But hello, the kids are going to their Grandma's funeral.  Thank goodness my parents are coming to the funeral (or were, I haven't heard from them since i emailed the change in date).   They have agreed to watch the kids during the wedding. In fact we are sharing a cottage. But what happens if my parents can't come. The conference center is in the middle of nowhere. No mention of the bride and groom providing a babysitter for the event (my cousin did that for her wedding, I still wasn't thrilled since we drove for 3 days to get there, but at least it was a curtesy). DH's aunt didn't say anything to us about the wedding being kid free.  I really am ok with a kid free wedding, but with MILs funeral, the kids have to make this trip with us.  A warning or something from DHs aunt or something from the bride and groom would have been nice.  
The weekend is going to be a ball of emotions for DHs side of the family (including the grooms mom). Maybe the bride is feeling like her wedding has been hijacked.  I just wish I had some better communication from his side of the family. I didn't think DH would have to ask what day his moms funeral was.

[beergut]

To be fair to the bride and groom, they didn't ask you to schedule a funeral near their wedding. Was the wedding date already known before your MIL died?

I don't mind so much y'all planning a funeral at a different date, but putting it together with a wedding seems to be in incredibly poor taste. 

You are not required to go to a wedding, or funeral for that matter. 

You are not required to take your kids to the funeral, and by letting you know the wedding is going to be kid-free, they're letting you know you don't need to bring your kids to that, either. 

You're looking at these as one combined event, while the bride and groom are most likely looking at it as two separate events, assuming they are even thinking about the funeral at all. 

Outside looking in, it looks like you want the funeral and wedding set up for your convenience, which seems to be a lot to ask. 

[muttleynfelix]

My husband and I aren't planning jack shit.  We didn't even know the date of the funeral. It is the Groom's mother who was suppose to be planning the funeral. DHs sister is now doing a bunch of the planning, so it seems. I don't really know since no one is telling my husband anything.

As for planning the funeral around the wedding, it is the groom's mother who wants my husband, his sister, and brother at the wedding.  It is a 6 hour drive for us. It is a flight halfway across the country for his sister. It is 13 hour drive for DHs brother. There is no way that we can all make both unless they are at the same time. Do my kids have to be at the funeral? Extended family want them there.

They didn't let us know the wedding was kid free as a curtesy; we got the invitation and it did not include the kids. A note from the mother of the groom warning us would have been appreciated since she is the one that wants at the wedding.  

[NoNamePerson]

I'd skip 'em both and head to the Bahamas  

[bobosensei]

If you had a funeral when MIL passed I wouldn't worry about this memorial service no matter who wants you there.  If this makes your life too stressful you don't have to go and it doesn't make you or DH ungrateful to MILs memory.  And please don't take anything out on the bride and groom.  It sounds like they did properly address the invite to make it clear kids weren't included.  You either didn't notice or didn't know that is how it is done.

[taz157]

She noticed on the invitation that the kids weren't included so no kids were invited. I think her point is why wasn't she told beforehand (before re the invitations went out) that no kids were invited.

[muttleynfelix]

Jul 30, 2015 0:59:34 GMT -5 bobosensei said:

If you had a funeral when MIL passed I wouldn't worry about this memorial service no matter who wants you there.  If this makes your life too stressful you don't have to go and it doesn't make you or DH ungrateful to MILs memory.  And please don't take anything out on the bride and groom.  It sounds like they did properly address the invite to make it clear kids weren't included.  You either didn't notice or didn't know that is how it is done.

We did not have funeral when MIL passed away. Well, DH and his sister and brother did, but that was it. No one else was Invited, including me or my children or the other 2 grandkids.

Yes the invite was clear that the kids weren't invited. A heads up since the mother of the groom is the one who wants us at both events would have been nice. I'm not taking it out on the bride and groom. We are lucky my parents were already planning on coming so we would have someone to watch the kids. The wedding is at 5pm, so I had no intentions of putting my kids (ages 5.5 and 2.5) in a situation where they probably won't be successful. But if for some reason my parents can't come, we are up shit creek.

[emma1420]

I feel bad for the bride and groom, but I agree that the grooms mother (as she is planning the funeral) should have confirmed that the bride and groom wouldn't be making exceptions to their no-kid policy even though the funeral was the same weekend.

Although, I do understand why perhaps no one wanted to raise the subject.  While you don't have a problem with a wedding being kid free, other people have probably had meltdowns. My step-brother is planning a kid free wedding, and my SIL is having a meltdown that my niece isn't invited (she's 4).  When I asked some of my friends with kids, I was surprised at how many of them indicated that they were offended if their kids weren't invited.  So they could just have expected more of that kind of drama.

[zibazinski]

Weddings and funerals and fancy restaurants are three places kids just aren't happy at and neither are the rest of the crowd. DH insisted to his  DD that she make babysitting arrangements for the people who just HAD to bring their kids. Doubt she did but those that brought them did the typical and just ignored them while they ran wild.

[muttleynfelix]

Why shouldn't kids be at funerals? They have as much right to celebrate the deceased as any one else.

Weddings depend on the bride and groom. I loved having my nieces and nephew at my wedding. I understand this bride and groom don't. But I think it isn't a family event without the entire family and that includes the kids.

[yogiii]

I'm not offended by a kid free wedding. 

The bride and groom should likewise not be offended, if in your case both of the parents can't make it as one has to stay at the hotel with the kids.

[tskeeter]

Jul 29, 2015 20:45:42 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

My husband and I aren't planning jack shit.  We didn't even know the date of the funeral. It is the Groom's mother who was suppose to be planning the funeral. DHs sister is now doing a bunch of the planning, so it seems. I don't really know since no one is telling my husband anything.

As for planning the funeral around the wedding, it is the groom's mother who wants my husband, his sister, and brother at the wedding.  It is a 6 hour drive for us. It is a flight halfway across the country for his sister. It is 13 hour drive for DHs brother. There is no way that we can all make both unless they are at the same time. Do my kids have to be at the funeral? Extended family want them there.

They didn't let us know the wedding was kid free as a curtesy; we got the invitation and it did not include the kids. A note from the mother of the groom warning us would have been appreciated since she is the one that wants at the wedding.  

Gentle reminder.  When you're not being told, you can always ask.

[zibazinski]

I love people who are offended their kids aren't included. They usually have the worst behaved kids!!

[zibazinski]

But for out of town guests I think it's nice if the family obtain a babysitter or at least arrange for it to help those who can't stick their kids with family.

[muttleynfelix]

Jul 30, 2015 11:20:33 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

Jul 29, 2015 20:45:42 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

My husband and I aren't planning jack shit.  We didn't even know the date of the funeral. It is the Groom's mother who was suppose to be planning the funeral. DHs sister is now doing a bunch of the planning, so it seems. I don't really know since no one is telling my husband anything.

As for planning the funeral around the wedding, it is the groom's mother who wants my husband, his sister, and brother at the wedding.  It is a 6 hour drive for us. It is a flight halfway across the country for his sister. It is 13 hour drive for DHs brother. There is no way that we can all make both unless they are at the same time. Do my kids have to be at the funeral? Extended family want them there.

They didn't let us know the wedding was kid free as a curtesy; we got the invitation and it did not include the kids. A note from the mother of the groom warning us would have been appreciated since she is the one that wants at the wedding.  

Gentle reminder.  When you're not being told, you can always ask.

We thought we knew the date of the funeral. Honest to god I thought it was Sunday. Why would I ask when I thought I knew what day it was? The kid free thing, I didn't think to ask when I got the save the date card. I don't remember how it was addressed. Then MIl went in the hospital shortly after we received the save date and life has been crazy since.

[muttleynfelix]

I'm not offended my kids weren't invited. I don't think a 5pm wedding puts them in a position to be well behaved and I do my best to put them in a position where they aren't heathens in public - make sure they are rested, fed, and occupied before the rest of the world sees them.

[tskeeter]

Jul 30, 2015 11:44:40 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Jul 30, 2015 11:20:33 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

Gentle reminder.  When you're not being told, you can always ask.

We thought we knew the date of the funeral. Honest to god I thought it was Sunday. Why would I ask when I thought I knew what day it was? The kid free thing, I didn't think to ask when I got the save the date card. I don't remember how it was addressed. Then MIl went in the hospital shortly after we received the save date and life has been crazy since.

Your post indicates that you have made some assumptions about the plans for the family events.  I think you own those assumptions, not the people who aren't telling your husband anything.  You did have the option of comfirming that the plans being made were actually consistent with the assumptions that you have made.  Apparently you did not.  I think your frustation with the event planners is at least partially misplaced.  

[bobosensei]

Jul 30, 2015 9:39:52 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Why shouldn't kids be at funerals? They have as much right to celebrate the deceased as any one else.

Weddings depend on the bride and groom. I loved having my nieces and nephew at my wedding. I understand this bride and groom don't. But I think it isn't a family event without the entire family and that includes the kids.

I remember going to my grandfather's funeral when I was in 3rd grade.  I was scared to go.  And later as a teen there were just some funerals I wished I didn't have to attend.  Like one for the wife of my great uncle.  I never met her before she died, but was taken to the funeral where I had a complete flash back of my dad's funeral the year prior and had a very hard time during the funeral and for days after.  So it's not that kids shouldn't be invited to funerals, but more what is best for the kid.  There were definitely other funerals I went to as a teen where I needed to go to grieve.  But when you are very little you don't know what is going on, a little older and maybe it is scarey, and for most kids it is probably just boring.

[CarolinaKat]

Jul 30, 2015 11:52:46 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

I'm not offended my kids weren't invited. I don't think a 5pm wedding puts them in a position to be well behaved and I do my best to put them in a position where they aren't heathens in public - make sure they are rested, fed, and occupied before the rest of the world sees them.

That's one of the reasons I got married at 11am. No way in hell was I getting married without my friends and family, and that includes children. We had 6 kids in our wedding party. No one had an issue. The kids had fun and ate wayyyy too much cake and danced enough to make everyone feel tired. I don't see denying 16 members of our immediate family the ability to celebrate just because they're 'kids.' I don't even know how big that number gets with extended family and friends.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I took my children to my grandmother's memorial service when they were 2.5 & 6.5. The older one barely remembers it, but the younger one doesn't remember it all. 
For my ex MIL's funeral, DD#2 was 3.5. It was open casket. DD freaked out because she couldn't see Grandma's legs. It's an amusing story now, but people very well may have been annoyed with that five minutes of a scene. Anyway, at the time I never even considered not taking my children to either the memorial service or the funeral. Removed from the situation now, I can understand why people wouldn't take children to that setting. 

I also feel bad for the bride and groom. I cannot fathom they want their wedding associated with a funeral. I understand that it's a matter of traveling convenience, but I just would be so upset by that arrangement if I were them. 

[muttleynfelix]

Jul 30, 2015 11:59:45 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

Jul 30, 2015 11:44:40 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

We thought we knew the date of the funeral. Honest to god I thought it was Sunday. Why would I ask when I thought I knew what day it was? The kid free thing, I didn't think to ask when I got the save the date card. I don't remember how it was addressed. Then MIl went in the hospital shortly after we received the save date and life has been crazy since.

Your post indicates that you have made some assumptions about the plans for the family events.  I think you own those assumptions, not the people who aren't telling your husband anything.  You did have the option of comfirming that the plans being made were actually consistent with the assumptions that you have made.  Apparently you did not.  I think your frustation with the event planners is at least partially misplaced.  

Well I must have made some assumption to get it completely wrong. I thought it was decided for Sunday. If that didn't work with the funeral home, it would have been nice to know. But really what sibling does not tell her brother the date of the mother's funeral? Or even ask if the day works for them?

Yes I'm irritated. My husband has been the point of contact for his sister and Aunt. So, I get no information directly. My SIL messages me on Facebook asking DH to call her. DH and I have been having our own communication problems lately. So I'm extra sensitive to people not communicating.

[gs11rmb]

My DD's are 7 and almost 3 and I wouldn't dream of taking them to a funeral.  Your husband is grieving his mother's death and he should not have to be worried about making sure the children are well behaved.  As for the wedding, I would assume children weren't invited and wait to hear differently. Unless your parents were particularly close to your MIL and really want to attend her funeral, I would ask them to stay home for that weekend with your children.  Some situations really are meant for adults.

[muttleynfelix]

I guess we do funerals differently in my family. My son has already been to 2 funerals. While he was much younger, behaving wasn't an issue. My parents want to come and pay their repects. Even my siblings were talking about coming. My MIL was cremated. It is simply her ashes although they will be interred at a cemetery. The funeral is supposedly graveside. I'm not worried about my kids at the funeral and my husband doesn't need to worry about the kids because my parents and I will be on top of them.

[gs11rmb]

Jul 30, 2015 14:27:11 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

I'm not worried about my kids at the funeral and my husband doesn't need to worry about the kids because my parents and I will be on top of them.

The above quote sort of reinforces my position - you and your parents will be "on top" of your children to ensure that they are well behaved during the ceremony.  That means neither you nor your parents will be fully concentrating on the rites and remembrance.

However, you are perfectly right that all families are different. If it is normal for children to attend funerals then no-one is likely going to be offended.

[muttleynfelix]

I don't care who is offended. The 4 people who get the biggest vote are my husband, his sister, his brother and their aunt. They want the kids at the funeral Everyone else is secondary. Frankly, if someone who has not seen my MIL in 25 years is offended that her Grandchildren are at the funeral, they can kiss my rear. My kids have the right to celebrate their Grandma. It won't mean anything to my DD, but I bet my son will remember. He understands his Grandma died.

I frankly can't imagine being told not to bring the kids. 15 years ago my sister was not going to bring her 2 year old and 9 month old to our Grandpa's funeral. My Grandma begged her to please bring the kids and not leave them at home.

[zibazinski]

That's your family and how they choose to deal. It's not how everyone feels which is fine, their choices too. I can't imagine the point of bringing little kids to something like that.

[lund]

If the bride and groom are OK with it, I see no problem in holding both events the same week. Since some time has passed, the persons attending might be through the first, acute, grieving, and it would be less taxing than it would have been for a very recent death in the family.
However, I think that if the wedding was already planned when the death occurred, it should have precedence.


There is nothing wrong with kid-free weddings either, especially if some of the persons arranging the event suspect that else there might be some kids coming who are not house-broken, not even for an outdoor event. But I agree that an early heads-up from the MotG would have been nice.


In my experience, children at funerals may work out very well - or not at all. A lot depends on each child, and what can be expected of him/her. If a parent, or some other responsible person whom the child trusts and who has previously agreed to do so, is prepared to take the child away/out at once in case he/she turns upset or uncooperative (for little ones in spite of any distractions brought), it may work out very well, also for young children.
It may also matter if the casket is closed (with previous or private viewing) or not.
Children's behavior may vary due to their age, relation to the deceased, and daily "form and shape".

I have brought a kid under three to three funerals, excellent behavior first and third times, but at the second funeral,three months after the first of these, a howling kid had to be carried out from church by a grandparent (who had previously agreed to do so).

[wvugurl26]

We had kids at my great uncle's funeral last month. No one would have dreamed of asking the great grand children to stay at home. He worshipped the ground the girl walked on. And typically funerals are shorter than all the wedding stuff. Especially when you have a couple hours break between the ceremony and reception.

It would be nice to arrange babysitting for out of town guests. People can not invite kids but in that situation then I think the nice and proper thing is to arrange for sitters. If people with kids are traveling to your wedding and you don't want then at the wedding, it seems the least you could do is arrange for some babysitters.

The wedding I went to in December, we got snacks and stuff when we checked in to the hotel. We had transportation from the hotel to ceremony. And they brought in food to the hotel after the ceremony ended and we were all hanging out downstairs in the hotel.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I brought a three day old baby to my grandfather's funeral.  What do I win?

[swasat]

Rules are made by a family, and if they work for THAT family, propriety and manners and all that jazz can go pound sand.

Mutt's family wants the kids there. They want the kids to be involved in her MILs funeral. Who cares if the kids will not remember ? Mutt will remember, her DH will remember and the her DH's siblings will remember that the kids were there. Sometimes we do things for our own memories, and to remeniesce on those with kids when they are older.

If it's important to the family that kids be there, then that's all there is to it.