Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 10:26:33 GMT -5
GW put this on her FB wall. I'm curious about other adults reaction to it.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 25, 2015 10:31:55 GMT -5
I don't know as far as suicide goes, but I agree as a child I kept more stuff from my parents because I knew before hand how they would react and it wouldn't be pretty.
Heck I do the same with my wife now and we had an argument about that yesterday. She complained I don' share enough and it is like pulling teeth to get info out of me. I said I stopped sharing because she cannot just listen, she gets all judgy .
Since I already know how she is going to react, I bypass that and just don't share.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 10:32:14 GMT -5
I absolutely think its true.
Son texted me two weeks ago to come pick him up at 5 in the morning from where he was spending the night. He told me all about the pot on the way home and how he didn't like it and how he really wanted to come home at midnight but felt weird asking/getting out of it and we talked strategies and 'code words' on how he could lay the blame on me if he was ever in the situation again...etc.
Punishing him, just would have meant he didn't call me the next time at all...
I'm here to help facilitate their development into adulthood. If I suggested I'd never made all the decisions I shouldn't have well, I guess I'd be a liar too.
I often have the discussion with other moms about R rated movies... yes, themes are Restricted... WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. We are meant to guide. and for me that means no subject should be taboo... as uncomfortable as that is some times.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 25, 2015 10:37:14 GMT -5
I think I would add to the message it is all right to keep things to yourself you wish to remain private. I don't need to know everything. But if something does bothers you, I won't be judgmental and I will listen to you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 10:40:16 GMT -5
Agreed Tennesseer. I thought they were discussing what kids felt comfortable sharing. Although my 14 year old was a little quick to cover when she thought I was looking for her phone password yesterday. Might have to open some dialogue there myself.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 25, 2015 10:45:01 GMT -5
It can be hard to not just jump in with your opinion. The other day, my son wanted to ask me if one of his friends could live with us so he could attend the same school that he is going too. That isn't something that is really feasible and immediately, I just wanted to say No, that is ridiculous. But, instead, I listened to him and told him that was something I would have to think about and then I will speak to him later. He seemed satisfied with that and then we finished with dinner. But, I really had to temper my instinct to just be blunt with what I was thinking LOL.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jul 25, 2015 10:49:50 GMT -5
I think there's a deeper problem... parents always say they want their kids to tell them about problems or something that's 'important' to the kid (ie a PROBLEM) BUT, parents spend most of the kid's life ignoring or dismissing when kids DO want to talk about something that's important to them because the parent sees the thing as 'inconsequential'. Or the parent just gets annoyed or angry about what they see as being bothered with something inconsequential (that's of HUGE importance to the kid).
If your parents don't seem to care (or get upset) about the little stuff that's really important to you - why would you expect them to be all kind and compassionate and understanding when you've got an actual bigger 'problem' or dilemma?? I totally disagree with the idea that kids can tell you anything bad they've done and a parent's response should be "Ok. No big deal" I don't think parents should scream and yell or punish... but they should be asking/prompting the kid for some 'thought' on the thing they did... why? how did you feel? so, all your friends are doing it... how does this effect YOUR future and their future? Do you really want to go there? Have you looked around at how what you did effects other people? Oh, and by the way I THINK what you did is a BAD IDEA because it LEADS to x, y, z or keeps you from doing a, b, c in the future.
The thing is sometimes kids (and adults) are figuring out how to navigate situations they've never been in before. Just telling a kid to "don't do it" doesn't really help. They may know they aren't suppose to "do X" but they can't figure out a good way to extricate themselves from a situation when X comes up. Getting mad/punishing a kid when they do screw up or do something that's not 'acceptable' to the family moral system - isn't totally a bad thing (there's consequence to EVERYTHING) - but not trying to help them find a way to avoid the problem in the future is an even worse thing.
FWIW: I would never tell my mother anything. I learned early in life that I wasn't going to get a good response - no matter what. I can laugh now... but I learned early on that questions had a 'right answer' and only that answer was acceptable. So "what 'appetizer' should we bring to the party?" - wasn't actually a query to find out what I thought or to try something new - the right answer was "X thing that we always take!!! YEAH!!!" You can apply that 'right answer' thing to any topic or question you might ask your kid/teenager. Didn't really matter WHAT the kid/teenager thinks/wants - because if you don't give the 'right answer' (which you already know) there will be an argument.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 10:50:21 GMT -5
oped did your son get stoned while he was at that overnighter?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 11:05:10 GMT -5
First time and didn't do much. Just said he didn't like it. Didn't like pressure either. He did actually tell them it wasn't for him, but needed some skill development on diffusing a situation...
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jul 25, 2015 11:05:08 GMT -5
That's irrelevant. From what she's posted, it sounds like her son was uncomfortable with the whole idea that pot was at the overnight, and though he didn't want to appear to his friend as the "uncool kid", he also didn't want to be there or participate.
He got himself out of the situation as best he could - and he made a good choice by calling home for a parent to pick him up.
I think that he and oped both handled it very well and it's good that he felt he could discuss it with her and she didn't judge.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 11:13:24 GMT -5
I'm pretty honest with the kids. He asked if I tried it. I told him all about how I didn't like smell at his age and while I tried once or twice by the time I might have liked to I had a professional license and think laws are good or bad, there are consequences for breaking them. So I didn't think the consequences would be worth the experience. That if it was legal I might bake up a pan of brownies now and then instead of breaking open a bottle of wine, but responsible behavior always applies... Ie. We've had lots of talks about it from different angles in other words.
This was more, I don't like this situation but not sure how I want to leave it. So we discussed that from a few angles as well.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 25, 2015 11:19:37 GMT -5
This is exactly how I raise my kids. They can come talk to me without judgment and share just about everything with me. I say just about because surely there are things that I don't know. They know that if they find themselves in a situation that they don't know what to do that they need to tell me so I can help them and do any damage control needed. I'm not naive enough to think that they won't do something simply because I said not to.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 11:38:41 GMT -5
First time and didn't do much. Just said he didn't like it. Didn't like pressure either. He did actually tell them it wasn't for him, but needed some skill development on diffusing a situation... LOL ok
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 12:00:28 GMT -5
Why is that funny?
What do YOU think of the OP?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 12:11:04 GMT -5
Why is that funny?
What do YOU think of the OP? It's funny because every kid ever that told there parents about drinking or doing drugs was the first time and only a bit. I think lumping drinking and doing drugs in with having a hard time is misleading. Tiny actually did a good job describing how I feel.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 12:18:20 GMT -5
The OP said them all.
And how can they feel comfortable with talking about one and not the other?
If it makes you feel better to think my kid was lying to me ok. He has no reason to lie. I wouldn't care if he had gotten stoned. That's the point. And I didn't 'catch him' ... He brought it up. So... ?
I'm good with where I am and my kids are at.
We talk about suicide type stuff too. How to handle emotions, when it's ok to spend a week in our rooms and not want to see anyone, and at what point we need to say, hey, I need someone to drag me out of here today even if I don't want to go... What feelings are normal and how to handle them and coping strategies for when they might not be... We talk all the time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 12:19:58 GMT -5
I take it you wouldn't handle things the same way?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 13:19:47 GMT -5
The OP said them all. - And I disagree with the OP on thatAnd how can they feel comfortable with talking about one and not the other? A teenager drinking and doing drugs is not going to get an "oh, okay" from me. A teenager having a difficult time is going to get support and whatever appropriate help I can give or arrange.If it makes you feel better to think my kid was lying to me ok. He has no reason to lie. I wouldn't care if he had gotten stoned. That's the point. And I didn't 'catch him' ... He brought it up. So... ? Kids lie to maintain the image they want their parents to have of them. I'm not sure if he lied or not but there is a big difference between telling a parent "I got a little bit stoned and didn't like it" or "I love getting stoned and I'm going to be doing drugs when I go for that overnight at buddy's later'
I'm good with where I am and my kids are at. Good, I don't want you not to be.We talk about suicide type stuff too. How to handle emotions, when it's ok to spend a week in our rooms and not want to see anyone, and at what point we need to say, hey, I need someone to drag me out of here today even if I don't want to go... What feelings are normal and how to handle them and coping strategies for when they might not be... We talk all the time. I talk about all that stuff with GW as well. However she is 18 and about to be on her own for the first time, so I'm not too bright.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 13:27:34 GMT -5
The point is they don't have to lie to maintain an image with me. I love them regardless. And they know I only ever want their best interests at heart, AND that while I will always give advice, I'm neither perfect myself nor interested in making them clones of me.
What would a teenager drinking or doing drugs get from you?
Lots of of times teenagers needing emotional support tie that up with drugs and alcohol... How do you separate it?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 13:35:35 GMT -5
The point is they don't have to lie to maintain an image with me. I love them regardless. And they know I only ever want their best interests at heart, AND that while I will always give advice, I'm neither perfect myself nor interested in making the, clones of me. So your son drinking and drugging every weekend and during school is going to get a "okay" from you? What at would a teenager drinking or doing drugs get from you? When they have gotten blackout drunk they got taken care of while they were puking and crying and carrying on, grounded for a week and then talked to about the dangers and effects of alcohol abuse. When they want to go to the "Grad Stag" and take some coolers with them there is talk about pacing the drinking, the dangers of passing out or blacking out, and strict instructions to call me if they need a ride anywhere. Lots of of times teenagers needing emotional support tie that up with drugs and alcohol... How do you separate it? Not by saying "okay"
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 13:40:53 GMT -5
Did I say okay and thats all? Hmm must have missed that part.
Was there punishment ... Nope. I believe in natural consequences, not imposed ones. I don't think imposed ones work very well, in my experience. Generally they just reinforce the 'don't let them know' behaviors we are talking about.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 25, 2015 13:56:05 GMT -5
Did you happen to ask her how she feels about it or why she found it interesting enough to post it? I have boys, not girls, but my first thought was that maybe she was thinking of a particular friend when posting. I guess I just think that boys are slower to open up about their "feelings."
Mine would have no problem requesting that their friends move in with us. Actually they have several times and we have taken in a few of them for a while lol.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 25, 2015 14:04:12 GMT -5
I absolutely think its true.
Son texted me two weeks ago to come pick him up at 5 in the morning from where he was spending the night. He told me all about the pot on the way home and how he didn't like it and how he really wanted to come home at midnight but felt weird asking/getting out of it and we talked strategies and 'code words' on how he could lay the blame on me if he was ever in the situation again...etc.
Punishing him, just would have meant he didn't call me the next time at all...
I'm here to help facilitate their development into adulthood. If I suggested I'd never made all the decisions I shouldn't have well, I guess I'd be a liar too.
I often have the discussion with other moms about R rated movies... yes, themes are Restricted... WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. We are meant to guide. and for me that means no subject should be taboo... as uncomfortable as that is some times. FWIW I tried telling my kid once to lay the blame on me if he was ever in an uncomfortable situation. He said no way, cause everyone would think he was a Momma's boy. That particular tactic didn't work for me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 14:04:12 GMT -5
I was answering very generally about the subject matter you posted. Did you mean to ask if we thought she was sending you a message?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 14:06:11 GMT -5
I absolutely think its true.
Son texted me two weeks ago to come pick him up at 5 in the morning from where he was spending the night. He told me all about the pot on the way home and how he didn't like it and how he really wanted to come home at midnight but felt weird asking/getting out of it and we talked strategies and 'code words' on how he could lay the blame on me if he was ever in the situation again...etc.
Punishing him, just would have meant he didn't call me the next time at all...
I'm here to help facilitate their development into adulthood. If I suggested I'd never made all the decisions I shouldn't have well, I guess I'd be a liar too.
I often have the discussion with other moms about R rated movies... yes, themes are Restricted... WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. We are meant to guide. and for me that means no subject should be taboo... as uncomfortable as that is some times. FWIW I tried telling my kid once to lay the blame on me if he was ever in an uncomfortable situation. He said no way, cause everyone would think he was a Momma's boy. That particular tactic didn't work for me. It was more like... if you are in trouble, text a message with this word and i'll call immediately yelling at the top of my lungs about something you didn't do at home that you were supposed to do, and I will inform you that I am coming to get you/ you must return home right now because you are in trouble buddy... and then you can talk about what I witch I am being an, sorry, but got to go...
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 25, 2015 14:14:54 GMT -5
The ex and i made it very clear to the kids what we believed was acceptable behavior. We had discussions on why. They knew that negative consequences would follow from unacceptable behavior that they were caught engaging in. We explained that it was the ultimate unacceptable behavior that if they did develop a problem with alcohol or other drugs for them to not come to us and admit to it. They would laugh and say, "Yeah, we'll go to Bill."
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 25, 2015 14:15:47 GMT -5
Oped how old is your boy? When mine were 10 or 12 they probably would have been ok with blaming me or Dad, but at 15 or 16 not so much. They've always been pretty independent (and feisty lol) though. Every kid is different and I think most of the time you get a feel for what works with them and what doesn't.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 14:16:29 GMT -5
Did you happen to ask her how she feels about it or why she found it interesting enough to post it? I have boys, not girls, but my first thought was that maybe she was thinking of a particular friend when posting. I guess I just think that boys are slower to open up about their "feelings." Mine would have no problem requesting that their friends move in with us. Actually they have several times and we have taken in a few of them for a while lol. She isn't home so I didn't ask her. I liked the post and said I was keeping it for when she has kids
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 25, 2015 14:18:52 GMT -5
Kids grow up in a world of knees. Everyone they encounter during their early years is bigger than they are, either in stature or authority. They're learning about the world so they're making a bundle of mistakes that need to be corrected. Think about how you feel when starting a new job and having to learn things that are completely outside your experience. Many feel pretty small and ignorant. That's not a good feeling. As adults, we know it will pass as we learn the ropes. Kids aren't so sure of that. It's understandable they'd be reluctant to share one more instance of what they consider ignorance with an all-knowing adult in authority.
What works probably varies with the kid. My home ran a lot like oped's. I was quick to share my errors and defeats so the kids would know they weren't the only ones who didn't know "everything". We'd laugh about the burnt biscuits (or whatever) and troubleshoot the process together before making some more. I'm not fool enough to think that would work for every kid, though - especially, a kid I didn't bring up from infancy.
I adore young folks in their teens and early twenties. To me, they're sort of a blank slate for life to write on. The paper is high quality and the slate is solid. The pencil is sharpened and ready for use. There's a good eraser available, but it won't erase everything so it's important to be sure the pencil is used and not indelible ink. Most of the time, unless something is very, very wrong, a young person can navigate the decision-making with which they're confronted if they have someone to turn to who's willing to give them the opportunity and lead where leading is necessary. Trust your instincts. You've learned it before in all probability. Your experience, coupled with the young person's desire, can produce excellent results. If the young person doesn't wish to draw on your experience, there's little you can do other than lean back, watch, and be there to pick up the pieces. That, too, is a lesson learned.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 14:19:00 GMT -5
He is 16 cheesecake. I was not saying he blame me for his choice if he didn't want to do something. But if he wanted to leave somewhere, I'd give him a reason for blaming me for why he had to leave... At 16 that still works. And gives him a breather until he's 18 and it won't. We discussed other ways of handling the situation as well. That was just one strategy.
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