if you die.....

[swamp]

Do you want your spouse to remarry?

I do. I don't want him to be lonely. I also want him to find a nice woman to love the kids like a mom.

[The Captain]

Where the hell did this come from?  Should we be worried?!?

[Wisconsin Beth]

I thought you had your replacement already picked out for him? 

But as for your question - I'd want DH and the kids to be happy.  If that means he remarries, I'm ok with it. 

Not sure I'd be that ok with it if it's remarrying after divorce though.  Which means I have some reflecting on myself to do. 

[The Captain]

But is all seriousness, yea - I'd want DH to remarry.  He'd be like a lost little puppy without someone to love.

We've actually had this discussion.  My only stipulation is that he manage the finances and not allow his new mate to blow everything we've worked so hard for.  Cause in all honesty, if I go anytime within the next 15 years DH and DD should be comfortable financially at least.  That's the least I could do for them.

[ArchietheDragon]

yes, and she better marry rich because I ain't leaving them no money.

[swamp]

Jul 10, 2015 15:30:13 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Where the hell did this come from?  Should we be worried?!?

Nope, not at all.

I'm handling a very, very, very messy estate of a professional business person who did not have any succession plans, and it is really awful, especially on the kids who are trying valiantly to sort things out.  Which led to DH realizing that he would have absolutely no idea what to do if I died.  I handle all the bills/paperwork/filing/business stuff, and I also have my own business. 

[giramomma]

I dunno. I'm dead, so I won't really care.

I want my husband to find happiness. If that means another woman, well then so be it. I don't think he needs a woman by his side to stave off loneliness, though. He wasn't lonely before we started dating. I don't expect he'd be lonely if we are somehow separated.

I would, however, prefer to wait until I'm actually dead, not almost dead to find a replacement for me. I also would like him to behave in such a way that he doesn't alienate, hurt, or upset the kids.

My college BFF's mom died of breast cancer when my BFF was 12. Her dad was looking for a new wife while her mom was in the hospital on her last legs.

Her father then proceeded to have several girlfriends and a few engagements before he finally married his current wife. She spent a fair amount of time having women pass in and out of her life and didn't really appreciate it, particularly when she was old enough to figure out her dad was catting around while her mom was still alive.

[swasat]

Honestly, I don't care. I'll already be dead!!

I only wish our children are loved and taken care of. How he makes that happen is up to him. But he knows my wishes and I know his (same as mine) . The logistics of "how" is an open question that will be dealt with if/when time comes.

[Sam_2.0]

DH would have no clue what to do with the finances. I've set up things so that as long as there's money in the bill-pay account, he should be good for awhile.

I would hope he would find someone that makes him happy, but it makes me sad to think of someone else parenting my kids. I would hope that he found someone who truly treated my children as her own.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 10, 2015 15:31:11 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I thought you had your replacement already picked out for him? 

  

Maybe if I could do this.    I don't know who, but I'd want someone who wouldn't squander all the money, and treat him and my kids right.

[swamp]

Jul 10, 2015 15:31:11 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I thought you had your replacement already picked out for him? 

I do, but he needs convincing. 

[Blonde Granny]

After 50+ years of marriage we've both said "NEVER AGAIN". I certainly don't want some old guy with half his teeth thinking I would want to wash his skid marked tighty-whiteys, and I'm not cooking or cleaning for anyone else again either. Besides, money would not be an issue, and I don't need his to live comfortably and he certainly isn't going to get any of mine either.

[swamp]

Jul 10, 2015 15:42:32 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

After 50+ years of marriage we've both said "NEVER AGAIN". I certainly don't want some old guy with half his teeth thinking I would want to wash his skid marked tighty-whiteys, and I'm not cooking or cleaning for anyone else again either. Besides, money would not be an issue, and I don't need his to live comfortably and he certainly isn't going to get any of mine either.

If he keels over, I'm done.  No more husbands for me.

[Tennesseer]

What I tell pet owners whose pet(s) have passed away is what I would answer to the question posed.  

To the pet owner:  Your pet would want you to take in another of his kind because you so loved and enjoy his company as he did yours.

[NancysSummerSip]

A neighbor of mine is going through the mess of widowerhood right now. His wife died suddenly last month, and the poor man literally has no experience with banking...she did all of that. He set his paycheck up for direct deposit, but after that, she did everything when it came to finances. He can barely use a computer (though he's fine with a smartphone) and has never sent an email to anyone. He has two kids in college (one is almost done) and although his family is helping him sort through things, it's a nightmare.

Everyone has to know the basics of finance, at least. And have a hereafter plan. And let your loved ones know what your plan is.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 10, 2015 15:43:59 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jul 10, 2015 15:42:32 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

After 50+ years of marriage we've both said "NEVER AGAIN". I certainly don't want some old guy with half his teeth thinking I would want to wash his skid marked tighty-whiteys, and I'm not cooking or cleaning for anyone else again either. Besides, money would not be an issue, and I don't need his to live comfortably and he certainly isn't going to get any of mine either.

If he keels over, I'm done.  No more husbands for me.

Me too.  No more dating for me, and if one falls in my lap somehow, no more marriages.

[sesfw]

I did marry again after being widowed. My first husband and his first wife are still a part of our lives.  Our kids were already adults and we did a pre-nup so anything each of us brought into the marriage is spelled out.

We've been married 14 years and what we've gotten together is ours.  Otherwise we keep our portfolios separate but do confer on decision makings.

Breaking in a new spouse is different. ............

[emma1420]

Jul 10, 2015 15:35:29 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I dunno. I'm dead, so I won't really care.

I want my husband to find happiness. If that means another woman, well then so be it. I don't think he needs a woman by his side to stave off loneliness, though. He wasn't lonely before we started dating. I don't expect he'd be lonely if we are somehow separated.

I would, however, prefer to wait until I'm actually dead, not almost dead to find a replacement for me. I also would like him to behave in such a way that he doesn't alienate, hurt, or upset the kids.

My college BFF's mom died of breast cancer when my BFF was 12. Her dad was looking for a new wife while her mom was in the hospital on her last legs.

Her father then proceeded to have several girlfriends and a few engagements before he finally married his current wife. She spent a fair amount of time having women pass in and out of her life and didn't really appreciate it, particularly when she was old enough to figure out her dad was catting around while her mom was still alive.

That sounds like my cousin's husband.   He fell in love with the babysitter while my cousin was dying.  They got married about a year after my cousin died.  Although to be honest, my cousin's husband and the babysitter have been married for about 15 years, and are still madly in love.  I think my cousin would be pleased that her husband had found someone to be happy with.  Although, I'm fairly sure she would have preferred her husband wasn't having an emotional affair while she was in the process of dying.  My cousin's children had a very difficult time with the remarriage.

However, some people simply can't cope on their own.  I have another cousin who's wife died, who remarried about a year after his wife died (he didn't meet her until several months after her death), and a lot of it was that he felt he couldn't cope on his own.  

I'm not married, but I think most people who are dying just want their spouse and children to be happy.  At least if I was married, I would want my spouse to do what made them happy.

[NoNamePerson]

Another reason I got divorced 32 yrs ago. Don't have to worry about all this kinda sh##   

[giramomma]

Jul 10, 2015 15:57:35 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

I'm not married, but I think most people who are dying just want their spouse and children to be happy.  At least if I was married, I would want my spouse to do what made them happy.

If my husband sees fit to date/become involved another woman while I am alive, then he can divorce me. My health status should not matter.

If I'm on my deathbed and still mentally sort of with it, I want my husband to be emotionally and physically there for me. Not there physically but with other women mentally/emotionally.

But, I've already gone through my husband being physically here but being with other women mentally. I'm not doing it again.

[wyouser]

Jul 10, 2015 15:50:41 GMT -5 sesfw said:

I did marry again after being widowed. My first husband and his first wife are still a part of our lives.  Our kids were already adults and we did a pre-nup so anything each of us brought into the marriage is spelled out.

We've been married 14 years and what we've gotten together is ours.  Otherwise we keep our portfolios separate but do confer on decision makings.

Breaking in a new spouse is different. ............

If not house broke.....may not enter the house  What is with all this "breaking" stuff?? No where else on this planet would you want something that is broke!  Yet the first thing contemplated about a new spouse is "breaking" them.  Isn't that the first thing a little kid does with a new toy?

[shanendoah]

As I am going over my "just in case" document today to make sure I've got everything in there, and made arrangements to give it to a friend this weekend, this is kind of timely.
C doesn't currently handle the finances, but he could. I'm just putting together the document that says what all the account logins are, and letting him know how things are currently set up to be paid.

Yes, I would want him to remarry. There is one person in particular he is NOT allowed to be in a relationship with, but she lives a long way away, and I honestly don't think he would even consider her now that Pop Tart is in the picture, because he wouldn't want that kind of example for Pop Tart. But beyond that. And there was the one cute girl who was in classes with him a few years ago, who was totally interested in him. I met her. She'd be good.

I would probably remarry, too. Not right away or anything. Right away, I'd probably ask friends to move in, more to combat the loneliness than anything. (And yes, I have Pop Tart, so I wouldn't be alone, but it would be nice to have another adult or two in the house.)

I do have a joking agreement with one of Pop Tart's former foster mothers that if anything happens to both of our husbands, she'll come be my stay at home partner and I'll be her bread winner partner, so that we can both continue to live in the style to which we've become accustomed.

[kittensaver]

If/when I kick the bucket, I'd like for DH to find some happiness. If it's with another GF or spouse - fine with me. The girls are grown and gone, so no kid issues there (adjusting to a new person in the household).

Our finances are arranged in a way that he would have to break one of the Trusts to share any assets with a new wife. I don't think he would do that - it's $$ earmarked for the girls. BUT I could definitely see him sharing any assets going forward (after he marries) with a new wife. That only sounds fair. I would do the same thing - leave the past assets behind in Trust but share going forward.

[t-dog]

Mine already died - so Yes, I'd like to remarry someday but I suppose that would require finding someone to date first.

[quince]

Won't care, I'll be dead.

He's fine with a partner, fine alone.  Unlikely to be devastated and all in knots over things. Almost guaranteed to act responsibly when it comes to what our kid(s) are exposed to.  I think he'll do very well at figuring things out.

[joemilitary]

if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take....

[busymom]

No, but it's not because I'm trying to be mean. DH always believes the best about everyone, even if they don't deserve it.

My opinion is colored by a relative of mine, who I've now lost count of how many husbands she's outlived. (4?)  Each time, she somehow got the entire estate, leaving the man's biological children with NOTHING. (No, I'm not proud to be related to this woman.) Because DH is a trusting man, he'd give his new woman the checkbook, & my kids would probably end up with nothing, too.

Swamp, have you ever been asked how to set up some sort of trust fund where, your DH can live in the house while he's still alive, but once he's gone all of your assets go directly to the kids? 

[zibazinski]

DH has an Aunt like that.

[lynnerself]

My DH and I have discussed this.
We both agree that we would like the survivor to find a new significant other for their life.
But not to remarry at this point. We'd prefer not to confuse the finances and inheritances at this point.

[msventoux]

No spouse, so it's nothing I have to worry about.  However, everyone in my family thought that it was pretty disrespectful how quickly my father remarried when my mom passed away a couple of years ago.  Within a week or so he was trolling his high school group of friends on Facebook for a girlfriend.  Found one, who had the good sense to quickly kick him to the curb soon when she found out what he's really like.  Shortly after that he found one to seal the deal with, God help her. 

I think a good metric is to wait until your spouse is actually in the ground cold before jumping to the next one.  Tends to upset the family and your group of friends when you toss the deceased spouse aside like garbage and immediately start taking applications for someone else to fill the role.