Plans thwarted by others last minute outlook.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Do you ever have your preparedness and plans thwarted by someone else who refuses to make decisions or take action prior to the last minute?  Or at least who withholds information and then leaves you to make things work?  I wanted to avoid last minute shopping before a major holiday, only to find I'm going to have to go to the store and try to get items that are probably in highest demand.

Yet people always get that irritated look when I try to ask them questions about something more than 5 minutes in the future...

[resolution]

Good luck! We stopped at the grocery store this afternoon and it was mobbed.

[Deleted]

Jul 3, 2015 20:06:08 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Do you ever have your preparedness and plans thwarted by someone else who refuses to make decisions or take action prior to the last minute?  Or at least who withholds information and then leaves you to make things work?  I wanted to avoid last minute shopping before a major holiday, only to find I'm going to have to go to the store and try to get items that are probably in highest demand.

Yet people always get that irritated look when I try to ask them questions about something more than 5 minutes in the future...

I would not allow that person the power to make those decisions at the 11th hour. I decide earlier & we are going with that because it is what was planned. 

Is this a family member that is messing with you? Why do they get to suddenly make decisions that are late? Why do you facilitate making it fine when they do that? They do it because you make it right in the end, so why do they need to plan? 

Consequences based on actions or lack of action are the best teacher!

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I am a planner.

I am surrounded by people who are not.

There is a constant ying yang between planning and spontaneity.

Some days I roll with it. Some days it irks me to no end.

[dannylion]

If someone else's procrastination is at fault, why do you have to be the one who goes to the grocery store?

[8 Bit WWBG]

Its due to a lack of communication, or information not being passed on to me.  We are going to someone's house tomorrow.  One of the planned guests cancelled, which changes the balance of what is being brought.  I'd done my shopping 2 days ago.  Now I have to go back tomorrow morning.

Its not a big deal in this particular instance.  With this friend, its not a common occurrence, so I'll deal.  But in general, it is sad how one person manages to derail everyone else.

Why does anyone put up with it?  Probably because they want whatever outcome is at risk.  I suppose I could make every interaction a battle of wills/territory.  I have been looking for more confrontation after all!

[8 Bit WWBG]

Yeah, definitely lack of communication.  Just talked it over again, and apparently I was told "clearly" (because telling me what you already have, vs. what you want me to bring is clear).  I suppose its back to making sure I ask explicitly and then repeat several times back.

[Deleted]

Jul 3, 2015 21:21:10 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Yeah, definitely lack of communication.  Just talked it over again, and apparently I was told "clearly" (because telling me what you already have, vs. what you want me to bring is clear).  I suppose its back to making sure I ask explicitly and then repeat several times back.

OMG . . . If relegated to that . . . I vote for making everything a battle of wills!!!!


Good Luck WWBG & I hope you have a good time despite the late redirection 

[busymom]

Next time, make sure all instructions for a gathering are sent by email. Fewer opportunities for misunderstandings.

Any way you can skip this group the next time?  Sounds like this is a regular problem.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Ask me again tomorrow, or Sunday morning.  I was already going to be out picking something unrelated up so a short detour isn't an issue.  If I end up facing bare shelves and have to make everything from scratch, I'll sing a different tune!

The hosts are providing a lot so its not like I feel taken advantage of.  Its just one of those things.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

As a planner who gives people food assignments, I rarely ask people to change their contribution. I always adapt myself and try to accommodate the change. I'm sorry you've been thrown for a loop. Breathe through it, and put in a happy face.

[Works4me]

8 Bit - did you try saying, "Oh dear, I already did my shopping for (items I was assigned) and am done with my preparations?" Then shut up, see what they say and let them deal with it. It is their problem, not yours - give it back to them!

[8 Bit WWBG]

I was able to get stuff without much difficulty.  I was already up and out, so I got what I needed.  I'm sure in another hour though, all the last minute shelf pickers will be descending.  Since this all came about from someone else cancelling, I understand the hosts frustration.

Of course this phenomenon isn't just limited to this event or person.  In general, its amazing how often this happens.  Its not always easy to just let everything fall, especially when you are also affected by the outcome.

[gooddecisions]

First, I never ask people to bring stuff to my parties, if they do- fine but it is never requested. Stuff happens, people's plans change. In my opinion, your frustration should be with the host, not the guest who cancelled.

[Bonny]

My friends are having a 4th of July "unparty", LOL!

They will provide some basics; chicken thighs, macaroni salad, and they will have their famous agave-citrus mix (kind of like a DIY margarita that involves the guests shaking a big jar of this mixture).

We're supposed to bring what we want to grill + something else we want to eat. DH will be grilling a big rack of ribs, I'll make a big salad and we'll bring enough wine and beer to share.

The "Unparty" has evolved because they have so many friends and family that tend to drop by their house for major holidays and ballgames. We're guessing they may have as many as 25 people at the "Unparty". Trying to coordinate food assignments and head counts has grown impossible therefore they have developed their own solution. Somehow we always manage to have plenty of fun!

[taz157]

We are having my mom over later today.  We provide the main meal and my mom will provide dessert.  Then later we may go to a park and that has some kids stuff going on.  One of my DD's friends will be there and DD is being partially used as bait for the friend to show up per what the dad said.  I mentioned it to DH and he seemed ok with it.  Depending on how well DD does will depends if we stay for all the fireworks (DD has not been the biggest fan of fireworks in the past year but seemed okay with what she heard last night). 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Bonny's friends' party is unplanned from the start.

I can totally enjoy that kind of party.

But 8 Bit's friends' party sounds more structured.

I can totally enjoy that kind of party, too.

I just don't like hybrid parties that morph at the last moment. :-)~

[Tiny]

Jul 3, 2015 20:06:08 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Do you ever have your preparedness and plans thwarted by someone else who refuses to make decisions or take action prior to the last minute?  Or at least who withholds information and then leaves you to make things work?  I wanted to avoid last minute shopping before a major holiday, only to find I'm going to have to go to the store and try to get items that are probably in highest demand.

Yet people always get that irritated look when I try to ask them questions about something more than 5 minutes in the future...

This. Totally. I'm a planner - but not a Planning Nazi.  So, if it's agreed to take in a movie on Sunday afternoon - I'm ok with deciding which of the 3 movies we'll see ON Sunday.  I just need to know it's a movie and it's a Sunday afternoon event.   I gave up trying to make plans with some of my relatives because I can't get an answer out of them about when, what, or even IF we'll do something.

We're having a 'family picnic' in a couple of weeks. I've heard that some of my out of town cousins will be IN town that same weekend.  They are coming for a different reason - they may not have time for the picnic but they might be available for a breakfast or a 'evening' get together.

Since this is a few weeks into the future... I would kind of think that maybe they would know when they are arriving and perhaps have some idea of if they could spare a couple of hours to meet up with the rest of us. Unfortunately - since EVERYONE involved in this makes up their day as they go along - I have no idea of which days the cousins will really be here. And odds are I won't hear about a get together until anywhere from 30 minutes to 1/2 a day before it happens.

I find this REALLY annoying and because I don't sit around eating bon bons and painting my nails waiting for things to do, I will probably be doing something else when the cousins are available.

I have this kind of 'problem' all the time... it's like no one makes any plans and just waits for the 'best/most fun' thing to do RIGHT NOW and then they go and do that.   Actually, I think they just queue up a bunch of things all at the same time and then choose the thing they want to do the most. It's annoying.

I think cell phones and facebook have created this kind of culture.     But, for the record my family have always been kind of a "last minute" kind of family - but they were somewhat predictable (they'd eventually show up to a get together).   With cell phones/facebook - it's impossible to predict what they will do - or if they will show up to something they said they wanted to do. 

[Bonny]

Jul 4, 2015 11:06:30 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Bonny's friends' party is unplanned from the start.

I can totally enjoy that kind of party.

But 8 Bit's friends' party sounds more structured.

I can totally enjoy that kind of party, too.

I just don't like hybrid parties that morph at the last moment. :-)~

LOL, I think it's too many attempts of 8 Bit's parties turning into hybrids which have led to the "Unparty"

[Deleted]

Lately the weather seems to be thwarting the most plans around here...

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I have this kind of 'problem' all the time... it's like no one makes any plans and just waits for the 'best/most fun' thing to do RIGHT NOW and then they go and do that.":::...

Oh SO much this Tiny  In some ways its very much a "me me me, bigger better deal" culture.  Its like nobody wants to commit to something ahead of time, lest something better come along!

I think others are just horrible procrastinators even when its something they want to do.  I've watched DW claim she wants to go someplace for a whole day, yet she only leaves like 30 minutes before the place closes.

ETA: the party time has been pushed back 2 hours.

[Ryan]

I get annoyed by my immediate family when they try to pin me down for something too far in advance.  They'll ask me over for the 4th of July like a month in advance and keep pestering me until I give them an answer.  The reason I don't consider it to be a big deal to put them off is because it's just them (and my siblings) so it's not like us coming really makes or breaks anything; their plans aren't changing whether or not we are there.

The other situation is with my inlaws.  If we want to use their lake house, they ask us for the dates around January.  The only reason they want to get the dates in advance, is because other people are asking to borrow their cabin that far in advance.  To me, it seems really silly to have to plan 6 months in advance for a cabin (that you own) just so we can accommodate some early planners who aren't paying anything to rent the place.  The way something like that should be handled is by, once the schedule fills in, telling them what weeks they could have.   

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I am a planning tyrant. For example, we have a yearly camping trip with DH's family. (There are eight siblings.)
The event started six years ago with just us and one other brother. This year, there will be six adult children, their children, and seven grandchildren, plus MIL for a total of 31 people. 

I create the meal assignments. I sent out a four page fully-color coded document with details about the trip. One page includes a spreadsheet of the meal assignments for the four days we're all together. It has who is supposed to bring what for each meal. 

My husband's family tells me at least to my face that they love my planning and it makes our trips so much easier for everyone. 
Who knows what they say behind my back!

[8 Bit WWBG]

I suppose it could go the other way too.  You could have people who are so rigid about this stuff that plans not made well in advance and adhered to without any flexibility are out the door.

Then there are the people who only start getting ready 10 minutes before they are supposed to arrive.

[8 Bit WWBG]

The place is about 20 minutes away.  We are supposed to be there in about 20 minutes.  I've packed everything and just need to put my shoes on.  DW is just starting to get ready.

For occasions that aren't dependent on a specific time (like a flight or a showtime) I'm willing to be flexible to keep the peace.  The last thing I want to do is to be "that" couple that shows up to a party in a pissy mood because they fought the whole way there!  But man, I sure miss the days that if we were late, it was because we were too busy... enjoying each others company!

[fwjone819]

Family used to get together 3 times a year (somewhere near 4th of July, near thanksgiving and near christmas). We always set a time that the most could get there, then whoever showed up showed up. I (and a few others) needed to know in advance as we had to request off dates over a month in advance to get off work. In my case it was closer to 2 month notice. Anyway, grandma died, mom and dad died and the 3 get togethers have instantly dwindled to "never". Of course families are always expanding and new family traditions occur but our family really isn't that large. It just includes a bunch of folks who won't ever cement a date until THAT date and then are miffed when others don't show up. 
My sis is FRUSTRATED by the family big time and has been complaining for 4 years about how no one ever wants to commit. With the fourth coming up, I let it be known what my days off were (just in case anyone wanted to do something). 2 weeks later, sis was griping about how "no one" wants to do anything as a family group.  I said "well, I will be home and I am family. Why don't you just tell everyone where we will be, come on over and WE family will celebrate with whoever shows up but at least we will be having a get together". NO cleaning or planning or cooking on any ones part but mine.  
Sis says, "well, I have to check with DH. I'll let you know".  I waited until today (4th of JULY) and no responses. Sent a text. Said "If anyone is coming, let me know, otherwise I'm packing the food and party up. Get a response from my son "I'm coming, don't have anything else going on."
Get a response from my sis (THE ONE WHO ALWAYS SAYS THE FAMILY MAKES HER MAD BECAUSE THEY WON'T EVER COME) Sis says "well, we may be going to my father in laws house because it doesn't sound like too many others will be going there. So don't plan on feeding us but we may come by and watch your fireworks later".  
UMMMM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!. 
DH, me and my son will be taking off to go watch freebie fireworks in town because I don't need to cook for all the non-existent family members. Sis will probably be mad at me and gripe at church tomorrow.