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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 14:40:14 GMT -5
So, as I mentioned in my other thread, I kinda met a dude. Not just any dude, a brilliant guy who I have a ton of things in common with and we have a lot of fun talking to each other. We are both kinda anti-social and nerdy. We both love rocks. And, well, I just really like him. Problem? Of course! He lives in So. CA. Which is just about my idea of hell on earth. I've already decided that next summer or the summer after I am going to try to sell my house. We have had 25% of all of the land here purchased this year by an Asian corporation who is installing massive weed grows. There is a legal limit of 12 plants, but they seem to be ignoring it. And, they are paying top dollar for land here. Used to be about $1500 a parcel and now sells for $20K - cash money straight from China. Since I have 2 homes, a large shop, and one of the only wells in this section, my property has actually become desirable. None of us ever predicted that would happen. Arsenic and all. So, I figure cash out while it is possible. I'd do it now if I didn't have 2 sons still at home and a large herd of pets.... If I didn't like the dude, I would probably move down river from this area and buy a small cabin. Or, I would seriously consider my dream location of Alaska. So, I am really conflicted on what to do about the whole dude thing. He said since day 1 he won't move. He has land and a ton of stuff. I already know I am moving, just don't have a new location picked out. But, not sure I want to live in So. CA... Why does it matter now? Because traveling around to "date" is only logical if I might consider moving there, because I know he won't move here. But, if I say "hey, let's do this because I would be willing to relocate" then I am a bit afraid he is going to freak out and think I want to move in on his life. I don't know. I'm just feeling frustrated that I finally met a great guy but the logistics are such a complete pain.
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obelisk
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Post by obelisk on Jun 24, 2015 14:43:56 GMT -5
Which county? if that makes a difference.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jun 24, 2015 14:45:45 GMT -5
What's wrong with Southern California? I've only visited but thought it was beautiful. Can you afford to live there? Will you be able to find a decent job? I wouldn't move to a place I hated for someone I barely know ... on the other hand this might be a good chance to try out something new. So, basically I'm no help
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jun 24, 2015 14:46:02 GMT -5
OMG is my answer.
Feel him out. Ask him what he would think about you moving to his area; and what would the rents or purchase price be like. Then, you will have to read between the lines on his answer so write it down.
Rock eaters are hard to come by. Just sayin.
Beyond him, go with your plans and dreams. Keep enough money to go south if Alaska proves too harsh in the winter.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Jun 24, 2015 14:48:04 GMT -5
Living together is a different ball game to dating someone. I wouldn't be selling anything until at least 5 years down the line.....a ring on the finger, security, sons settled and so on.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jun 24, 2015 14:49:59 GMT -5
I didn't think Shasta meant that she's thinking about moving in with him, simply moving to be closer and able to date.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Jun 24, 2015 14:52:55 GMT -5
SoCal is a huge area so as far as a possible move here it really depends where and what your preferences are. As to your aversion to SoCal I imagine maybe it's due to the dense population among other things as I believe you live somewhere that's a bit more rural but I could be wrong. I'm born and raised in SoCal and there's certain parts I wouldn't live for various reasons some of which are just preference based. It can be expensive but again it depends where you're talking and what your income is or will be like there.
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grumpyhermit
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Post by grumpyhermit on Jun 24, 2015 14:55:27 GMT -5
Have you even met him in person yet? Can you even afford to live in So Cal?
I would be all for moving in general. But moving for a very new relationship, to an area you don't really like? Not so much.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 24, 2015 14:55:25 GMT -5
1) How long have you known him?
2) If you move, do your kids go with you, and if so, is he OK with that? In other words, does he like your kids, and do they like him?
3) Do you like him enough to live in your proverbial "hell on earth"?
4) Is dude flexible and able to compromise on other things, or is the fact that he will not move a sign that his word is final and what he says rules? Basically, is this the red flag of a control freak?
5) Do you want to move to Southern Cal to become happy there, or is this about moving near him? Because if he knows you hate it there, then he'll also know you did it for him. Which could be a good thing ("Gee, she really does like me a lot to put up with the area") or a bad thing (Crap, she'll do nothing but whine about the place now that she's here.")
6) Do you need this man, or any man, to be really happy?
7) Do you believe this man is your last real hope of finding the right man?
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jun 24, 2015 14:56:21 GMT -5
I would never move to be closer to a dude from a potential long distant relationship. Sorry. We hear over and over again about the boomerangs back and in your case you have no one to fall back on.
I would move for job prospect if it were certain of it.
Move for the right reasons. A uncertain/potential relationship is not one of them.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jun 24, 2015 14:56:33 GMT -5
No, is my answer.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 14:57:43 GMT -5
I should have mentioned:
He lives on an outlying area that is still rural and inexpensive. I actually could probably purchase a smaller house there.
I work for myself and can work anywhere I have internet.
I am very non-materialistic and not the most social creature, so I don't like LA. His area is a bit better, but too damn hot all the time... Though, my iguana would like that climate......
My mother's advice (OMG) was to make him come to me and not go down there to see him. I'm kinda of the opinion that we are both homebodies of a sort and both hate to travel, so if that's the case I might not get to spend time with him - which is needed to see if we actually like each other in person...
I guess it would have just been too easy to find a guy who lives in my county...
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Jun 24, 2015 15:00:47 GMT -5
Even though you're both home bodies he should be willing to travel to see you if he's interested enough in you. If you travel to visit him some time he should definitely be willing to come to you as well. As to your description of the area in SoCal that's the type of place I wouldn't want to live but based on what you've said about where you live now and your preferences it's the type of place I imagined you'd prefer if you were in SoCal.
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grumpyhermit
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Post by grumpyhermit on Jun 24, 2015 15:03:25 GMT -5
So, you haven't met him yet. It was way jumping the gun to even be thinking about moving. There is no rush. Even if you sell your house, you don't need to make a purchase right away.
This just seems like a way bad idea to me. But then I embody my screen name so may not be the best person to ask. The idea of moving anywhere just to be with someone is totally foreign to me. Also if he is THAT unwilling to meet you half way? No; huge red flag.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 15:07:30 GMT -5
1) How long have you known him? 2 years2) If you move, do your kids go with you, and if so, is he OK with that? In other words, does he like your kids, and do they like him? When I sell, my kids will have moved out. One is going south for school and the other probably to Oregon.3) Do you like him enough to live in your proverbial "hell on earth"? Yes4) Is dude flexible and able to compromise on other things, or is the fact that he will not move a sign that his word is final and what he says rules? Basically, is this the red flag of a control freak? He's nerdy, but not a control freak that I can tell. He's very driven and doesn't seem interested in turning me into anything or anyone I am not. He knows what I have experienced, and how hard I work to stay in a happy place.5) Do you want to move to Southern Cal to become happy there, or is this about moving near him? Because if he knows you hate it there, then he'll also know you did it for him. Which could be a good thing ("Gee, she really does like me a lot to put up with the area") or a bad thing (Crap, she'll do nothing but whine about the place now that she's here.") I never really considered moving from the area I live in now. I love it here. But, I also know that I don't like many people and I do like my dude... I find the distance to just be a pain. But, I don't know if that is reason enough to not try.6) Do you need this man, or any man, to be really happy? Dear Lord, no. I read the co-dependency book and am good. I didn't ever really plan on meeting anyone. People ask me out on occasion and I mostly just smile. Marriage was horrible enough that I am really, really choosy on who I will spend any time with.7) Do you believe this man is your last real hope of finding the right man? Um, no... I didn't really go looking for one. I am perfectly happy alone.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 15:12:01 GMT -5
Dude should not really factor into any of your decisions at this point. It would be a mistake to fold him into the plans if relationship is new and there's no ring on it.
First I would sell the property now while the interest is there. You have two sons, but so what? Get a 3BR apartment in town for a year while you decide what you do/don't want to do. Put a premium on the property price due to water rights.
Use the year in the apartment to continue your relationship. Maybe in that time you will find a cabin or something that you want to buy in your ideal or dream location that could also serve as year round residence if you wanted.
If this guys job is in SoCal and he has property etc. I would not expect him to want to move, but sounds like you are too early in relationship to know where this goes. You are all in, but if you are worried he will get spooked, then way too early to broach other than 'where do you think we are going with this?'
If you want to move to Alaska, do you still follow Donna Freedman on Surviving & Thriving blog? She has good insights and made the leap to move to Alaska a couple/few years back.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 24, 2015 15:12:02 GMT -5
OK, you answered those pretty well. I think after what you've been through, you more than deserve to be happy on your terms. So I'd compromise: get to know him and see if the two of you could continue the relationship if you moved south. Make sure you set up a life of your own there - job, friends, contacts. This should not be all about the two of you, though a lot of it will be. Whatever money you make from the land sale, keep it saved and safe. If it all goes to heck in a hand basket and the relationship fails, you have your own money and can move on to the next adventure.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 15:16:17 GMT -5
Even though you're both home bodies he should be willing to travel to see you if he's interested enough in you. If you travel to visit him some time he should definitely be willing to come to you as well. As to your description of the area in SoCal that's the type of place I wouldn't want to live but based on what you've said about where you live now and your preferences it's the type of place I imagined you'd prefer if you were in SoCal. I don't think he is completely against coming here. In fact, he may be coming here in the near future for a business venture. Sorry, it's vague. He studies something I recently discovered exists in my area and is rare. We are looking to maybe do some mining together and I need him to help me gain access to the area. But, when we talk he seems to think it's either we live near each other and would surely date or we live apart so why bother starting something you can't finish. And, I struggle with trying to decide the same thing. It's not like I met some random guy online and now I want to chase him. I sought out a world expert to ask a question about a mutual interest and now 2 years later we spend all the dang time talking online and I want to change that and it appears he does as well. But, I haven't really experienced long-distance dating, and I can't really move and rent since I have a lot of pets...
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Jun 24, 2015 15:16:26 GMT -5
I know someone who has been in a happy long distance relationship for the past decade. They are both older and firmly established where they live (on opposite sides of the country). Neither plan to move, but they each visit each other once a year. There are times when it is difficult (as with any relationship), but overall it seems to work for them. If it were me, I would definitely try this first before moving to an area that I didn't even like, especially if I had never lived in the same area as the guy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 15:17:03 GMT -5
Sorry, can I clarify. Have you had any 'in person' time with this individual other than phone/net?
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jun 24, 2015 15:17:34 GMT -5
If he wants to have a relationship with you, he will make the effort to make it happen, or at least make his half of the effort. If all of the effort to make the relationship happen comes from you, then no relationship is going to happen.
It sounds like you really know very little about him other than the persona he has chosen to show you in communication. For all you know, one of his hobbies might be chatting up women on the interwebz, and he could have dozens of correspondents.
Do not uproot your life and make plans or major purchases that are predicated on a relationship with someone you barely know. Make plans based on what makes financial and personal sense for you and your family without the involvement of some mythical soul mate, because at this point, that relationship sounds like it's actually a unicorn.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 15:18:52 GMT -5
Even though you're both home bodies he should be willing to travel to see you if he's interested enough in you. If you travel to visit him some time he should definitely be willing to come to you as well. As to your description of the area in SoCal that's the type of place I wouldn't want to live but based on what you've said about where you live now and your preferences it's the type of place I imagined you'd prefer if you were in SoCal. Forgot to add, eastern desertish region...
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obelisk
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Post by obelisk on Jun 24, 2015 15:25:07 GMT -5
It is a super hot long summer in that region with no rain! The sun is brutal and you can feel unexposed skin frying. I would not move there without some serious commitment.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 24, 2015 15:25:47 GMT -5
I should have mentioned: He lives on an outlying area that is still rural and inexpensive. I actually could probably purchase a smaller house there.
Sounds like a good fit down the road. I'm glad you realize that not all of So. CA is L.A.
Our cabin is at 5,500' in Riverside CA it is a world away from Los Angeles. They call these mountains "sky islands" for a reason. People find it incredible that our "cabin" is 1500 sq.ft. and only worth about $250k. If you are willing to go to the high desert communities like Desert Hot Springs (also Riverside Co.) or to very eastern San Diego like Jamul or Campo or the Imperial Valley you can still find homes and property for <$200k.
Oh and the rocks are great!
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Jun 24, 2015 15:26:41 GMT -5
If you intend to sell up and try a new area anyway, why not give his area a try? Just rent while keeping your nest egg intact. Don't be in a hurry to move in with him, just see how dating goes. If you decide you don't like the area, you can always try another one.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jun 24, 2015 15:29:07 GMT -5
I would not even consider moving until you've met this guy in person, and spent more than a couple days with him. I think several in person trips to see each other is necessary first. If this man is interested in you romantically he will make the effort to come and see you and invite you to come to see him.
Not it to mention, there are people that you can get along brilliantly with online, but you don't in person. You need to see if there are sparks.
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grumpyhermit
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Post by grumpyhermit on Jun 24, 2015 15:29:53 GMT -5
I agree. Just make sure you aren't tapping your nest egg to make your budget work. I know you have mentioned in the past how tight your budget can be, and I would only move if you can make the numbers work without sinking yourself.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 24, 2015 15:30:01 GMT -5
I'm probably the queen of LDR around here. TD and I commuted between KY and WA monthly for over 10 years before a final move was made.
I won't lie....this was an adjustment for both of us. But quite frankly, at the 2 year mark neither of us was discussing moving. And when we started discussing it, compromises were discussed on BOTH sides...not just one.
The fact that he unilaterally won't compromise is bothersome to me.
jmho
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jun 24, 2015 15:43:21 GMT -5
Even though you're both home bodies he should be willing to travel to see you if he's interested enough in you. If you travel to visit him some time he should definitely be willing to come to you as well. As to your description of the area in SoCal that's the type of place I wouldn't want to live but based on what you've said about where you live now and your preferences it's the type of place I imagined you'd prefer if you were in SoCal. Forgot to add, eastern desertish region... If it's somewhere terrible like Blythe, maybe expand your scope. Lake Havasu is only two hours away and would give you enough distance to make your own life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 15:49:19 GMT -5
I don't want to ever get married, so the "put a ring on it" comments are kinda odd.
If I move in 2 years, we will have known each other for nearly 4 years and by then would have spent significant time together.
I'm not the "I met a guy and am moving across the country" type of girl. I'm just not. This situation is more of a frustrating "where the hell did this come from" sorta deal.
Since I can work from anywhere, and he can't, my traveling at some point sort of makes more sense... I agree that effort is required on his part and he seems willing. But, I don't think he sees the point because of the distance. (engineering type...)
Since my sons are now in their 20s and both working, I can go wherever I want and my house is taken care of. So, I could spend time in the south much more easily than he can come here. And, we wouldn't have 20 year olds in the middle of our new relationship as well.
I didn't realize how he felt until recently and am just banging my head against the wall. Finally found a dude I like, who wants a relationship with me, but we don't live in the same area and it's not a quick 3-5 hour drive away.... Argh.
I can't rent. That expounds the problem.
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