Friend of the chain

[nutty]

Became friends with S last year, a few months ago started to actually go out with her. She has become increasingly unstable when drinking and I suspect other substances as well. As of last week I decided that she is too much of a liability to me and a few of my longer term friends are frosty with her. Anyway my question is since I have not known her that long can I do a slow fade out or should I tell her that I am no longer want to hang with her.

[Shooby]

Hmm...good question. Since you dont' know her that well, you might be in a good position to actually give her a wake up call and just be blunt. Since you are not that involved she might view you opinion as much more objective and that might be the kick in the pants she needs. On the other hand, you have no obligation to her one way or the other so if you just wish to fade out that is fine too. But, if you might actually help her to do to the first. And, if it works it out, maybe she will get the help she needs, who knows?

[Deleted]

I would just do whatever you're most comfortable with, there are no rules.  I wouldn't tell her why, but that's me.  If I don't want to hang around with someone (which is pretty much all the time with anyone, LOL).  I just don't.  I don't feel the need to explain myself.

[thyme4change]

Maybe you could just hang out with her in non-drinking situations?  Lunch instead of dinner, etc?  If she asks you to go out for a drink you could say "Maybe I am a fuddy-duddy, but I am just not comfortable with you when you are drinking. Can we meet for coffee instead?"

I do agree that you are not obligated to tell her squat.  You could just fade out.  People don't really listen when you tell them anyway.  They can convolute a statement and make themselves a victim in the situation.  The chances that she will say "Oh, gee - you are right, I am going to run out and get help." are about a million to one.  

[nutty]

Thanks thyme, that is a perfect thing to say to her. I will remain friends with her but avoid any situations together that drinking is involved. Though it didn't work that way sat night LOL She came up to the bar by herself and attached herself to me and the group I was with. I just told one friend that if she starts I am out...LOL and she did, hitting on the bar owner and sitting on the guy I am interested in lap, and saying to him "don't you remember when we made out" and other stuff. That was the final straw for me, I had already weaned away from her starting last week but that was the third time she tried to hit on my guys.

[CCL]

I'd just her. That is not a friend.

[Deleted]

Unless you are changing hang-outs I am not sure Thyme's suggestion will work. If you were only going to see her when planned, then I think it is perfect solution.

If you are going to be 'bumping into her' I'd be more inclined to be very direct. "You are not a person I will interact with when you are abusing substances, including alcohol, because you are not a friend when you are under the influence. Do not interact with me or approach me or my group if we end up at the same place at the same time." If she tries to make a scene over it next time you 'bump into each other' then she's the one that looks like a fool. Just ignore her.

[Miss Tequila]

I'm not THAT unstable :-(

[Deleted]

Jun 8, 2015 16:29:01 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I'm not THAT unstable :-(

But if you are a funny, entertaining drunk; I am pretty sure Nutty is keeping you around. 

Being a bitchy, boyfriend stealing, un-funny drunk is not cool & she's kicking your butt to the curb (but we know this can't possibly be you)!

[nutty]

I'm not THAT unstable :-(

That was funny.

I think I know why she is hitting on the guys I am interested in.

"You are not a person I will interact with when you are abusing substances, including alcohol, because you are not a friend when you are under the influence. Do not interact with me or approach me or my group if we end up at the same place at the same time."

This is great, to the point and direct but only mentioning its when she is under the influence that she is nutso, she is a very kind and generous when not wasted, I am very, very forgiving and slow to anger. We do hang at the same place so I will be direct.

It's like she has never heard of girl code lol

[Abby Normal]

Is this someone that you meet without outside the bar- and is now just coming to the bar because you invited her/she knows you hang out there?  If so, then I think Thyme's phrase is appropriate.

However, if this is someone you met at the bar and developed a friendship ( IE the bar is the main source of contact) then it's time to just shoo away the bar fly.

[nutty]

I think she thinks she is in competition with me with both of us being single, we are totally different looking so I can't see the same guys going for us.

I met her with her boyfriend at said bar, but we do lunch and pool days, so I do see her a lot outside the bar (well I did)

Actually I think she is getting the brunt of me being fed up with the drama. Another good friend is so demanding of me that it is getting exhausting. We have another friend D, on friday night she told me to stop speaking so much to D.

[dannylion]

Maybe you need new friends.  Seriously.  They sound like superannuated middle-schoolers.   

[nutty]

I actually think that instead of throwing myself into a new relationship (guy) when I left, I threw myself into being social and probably wasn't making good friend choices.

[milee]

If these are friends you're meeting as regulars at the bar/club you keep mentioning, then maybe it's not a surprise that at least some of them turn out to be people that have problems with alcohol. If you're looking to add some lower drama friends, might be easier to meet that type in another setting.

[nutty]

We do other stuff so I am not just meeting them at the bar. I am doing other stuff but the people I meet don't seem to stick.