playmates for my kid

[MJ2.0]

We moved DS to the preschool attached to X's church about a month or so ago. He had a very good little friend (C) at his old school, and I was able to get in contact with C's mother. They've had two very successful playdates (there was a full-on breakdown with tears when we had to leave both times). I was hoping we'd see them more often, but C's parents are newly divorced and sometimes the weekend visitation is unclear (or at least that's what C's mom told me). I asked C's mom about a playdate just before Memorial Day and she said she'd get back to me the next day. She never did. I figured I'd wait a while.

I just reached out to her again - two weeks after the last time we've communicated. I know she's going through a hard time with C's dad, but DS keeps asking about when we're playing with C and C's mommy. He's an only child and he definitely needs to play with his friends. As an adult I know that maybe it's just time to move on from C - at least for a while, but DS just wants to be with his friend. I guess I'm just disappointed for him about this.

[Ryan]

Unless you’re really close with the mom, I think it’s going to be difficult to keep that friendship going. My son had a really close group of friends from his preschool last year, but they all went to different schools for kindergartens this year. It used to be just a big group text between the moms (who weren’t even friends) about getting the boys together and this would happen pretty regularly. Once school ended, that pretty much died off since we never ran into the families and the kids stopped seeing each other at school.

We have other couples that we became good friends with after my son went to school with their son. So now the kids remain friends because all of us want to get together.

We live in an immediate area without a lot of kids, so we’re kind of in the same boat. You have to call/text to setup a playdate and, if they can’t do it, then you have to sit and wonder “Gee, do they not want to setup anything? Should I stop bugging them?” If they lived next door, you’d be able to read the situation a little better.

That’s what is so nice about mom’s that are on the same page with stuff and on the ball. If my wife would text one of my son’s friends, she might say “Can’t do it today, but how bout tomorrow?”

[whoisjohngalt]

I don't know if you remember, but I had a whole thread going on flakiness of "mommies".

It felt like I was dating all over again, except with lots of additional baggage.

My kids went through a few "break ups", they seemed to forget about it over time.

Unlike my own dating, I figured that you just have to have quantity over quality and see what happens.

Good luck!  I totally get where you coming from

[debthaven]

One solution might be to say I know you have so much going on right now (you could mention the divorce or not), if I can ever help you out and keep C for a few hours one day, let me know. 

You could be taking a risk though, unless you know her well enough to know that she wouldn't abuse your generosity. 

I would offer that if you can, but I would also try to encourage your son to find new friends and explain that Mommy has several / a lot of friends (ie not just one) and that now that he's getting older, he too will make other friends and he will continue to make other friends as he grows up. And I'd try to find new play dates for him.  

I'm sorry your son is hurting and that you are hurting for him. 

[giramomma]

I'm sorry.

This is one of our weak points as parents. We just don't nurture our kids' friendships outside of school much. All things given, actually, nurturing friendships-either for ourselves or for our kids-is really pretty low on the priority list.

Sometimes we make better efforts than others, in that regard.

[Tennesseer]

Maybe offer to give C's mother a little time to herself and host the child at your home for a couple hours or so?

[hoops902]

Jun 4, 2015 16:55:33 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Maybe offer to give C's mother a little time to herself and host the child at your home for a couple hours or so?

If they're newly divorced she may just cherish the time she has with the kid so much she can't imagine having the child away...or feels so guilty she only sees the child so much less now.

I see a few potential options (I'm not a mom, I don't have kids, and I'm not divorced, so it's probably terrible advice...but I do know some women who fit that category).

-Because more friendly with this mother.  For obvious reasons, parents who are friends have far more playdates with their children. 
-Be patient.  Eventually this woman will probably want to date, or at minimum will get over any potential clinging to the child due to reduced custody and will desperately want some alone time to let the kid come have a sleepover or something.
-Get your kid involved in activities where this child...or other children...will be.  Scouts, sports, etc. 

[MJ2.0]

DS has already made another good friend at his new school, so that helps. His mom is one of the afternoon teachers so it should be easy to talk to her & see if she would be open to play dates. I'm also part of a mom & kid Meetup group, but most of their events are during work hours. We're going to a strawberry picking event next Saturday.

I habe been looking into getting him into some type of physical activity, preferably martial arts (hoping it will burn up some energy and teach him discipline).

It sucks that I don't have any friends here (X didn't like us having friends). I also joined a Meetup group for specifically single moms (along with some other groups), so we'll see what pans out.

[yogiii]

I'm pretty bad, my son doesn't go on many play dates other than b-day parties.  I just feel like we're always busy doing stuff around the house on the weekends.  I do try to have him in one Saturday activity though and I think that has helped.  We went to public kindergarten orientation last week and he knew so many kids.  3 from his daycare class, 3 from his preschool class (he went to two diff schools last year), 2 from gymnastics and 1 from soccer.  They all said hi to each other and the kids were on the playground with a ton of other kids too, all just playing.

So my point is, I wouldn't worry about that other kid.  Your son will make new friends, getting him involved in an activity is a good start.

[Peace Of Mind]

Are you sure she has her son most of the time?  Maybe her ex has him and she's too embarrassed to tell you that.  Just a thought but I love the suggestions of you offering to take him for a couple of hours or so if you are ok with that.  But if that's accepted start practicing now:  "No.  This weekend would not be a good time for me have your son over". 

[debthaven]

It's great that your son has found a new friend! 

At that age (and given my temperament I guess) I found that the best play dates / adult relationships were where things were at least somewhat equal (assuming the kids were really keen to spend time together). Since you're both recently divorced, I'd pursue it for a bit, but if she doesn't become more forthcoming, you'll probably have to let it go. 

DS3 was totally taken with a little girl in kindergarten (which is the last year of nursery school here) ... they were totally inseparable at school. I noticed that the mom was very pregnant and offered to keep her DD when she went into labor. BAD MOVE. I was used to the international community, ie nobody had any family around, no parents, no siblings, no aunts, no cousins, so we all helped each other out in those times. She told me, very coldly and visibly shocked that I might even suggest such a thing, that is kind of you but no thank you, we have family for that. OUCH!

Then 6 months later she went back to work PT (she is a local primary teacher). She suddenly asked me if we could work something out for partial after-school child care (at this point our kids were in first grade). So she picked DS3 up after school on Tuesdays and kept him till I got home, and I picked her DD on Fridays and kept her till she got home. The kids got along so well we very quickly realized it was actually MUCH EASIER to have both of them together!

Every time I picked them up on my day they would argue. After a few weeks (I was still terrified of them at that point LOL) I said, hey guys, why do you both argue so much every Friday? She said, it's because we are half best friends, half brother and sister, and half husband and wife. So it's totally normal that we argue. THEY WERE SIX YEARS OLD!!! LOL!!!

13 years later, the mom is one of my dearest friends, and her DD and my DS3 are still best friends. (They're both 17 now.)

All this to say I had decided not to pursue it anymore, but I left the door open, and then it suited the mom to pursue it, and it grew from there. So don't lose hope, but don't stand around waiting either. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The idea of organizing play dates makes me want to stab myself with a fork. I can barely make friends of my own, let alone make friends for the kids.

Fortunate for me Gwen doesn't seem all that interested in play dates, she is quite happy having a ton of friends at school and playing at home alone after school/on weekends.  She seems to like her downtime away from people just like I do.

It probably makes me a bad mom in the eyes of some that I don't work harder to cultivate friendships for her, if she was bothered by it I would but since she isn't I am happy to not worry about it.

If I had the mom's number or we were on facebook I'd probably shoot off a quick message about getting together again and then let it go.  The woman has a lot on her plate right now, organizing play dates is probably low on her list.

I'd explain to Gwen that C's family is going thru some changes right now and that means C isn't available to play right now then drop it.

At least in my experience and from my observations 4 year olds tend to move on pretty fast.  Their concept of friends and my concept of friends are quite different.  

I'm over here reading all sorts of meaning into her comments and feeling guilt, meanwhile she has no recollection of what we just talked about.

[marvholly]

Jun 4, 2015 17:23:10 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Jun 4, 2015 16:55:33 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Maybe offer to give C's mother a little time to herself and host the child at your home for a couple hours or so?

If they're newly divorced she may just cherish the time she has with the kid so much she can't imagine having the child away...or feels so guilty she only sees the child so much less now.

This-bold mine.

DD2 was divorced 12/2014 after separation 7/2014. I just acked what the 7 y/o is doing this summer & he has NO activities, camp, sports booked. I think that is somewhat wrong bu it is a hassle to schedule as XDH has the kids Wewd eves & every other weekend.

There are some similar age kids in walking distance and thery do sometimes meet up.

[yogiii]

Jun 4, 2015 18:56:14 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Every time I picked them up on my day they would argue. After a few weeks (I was still terrified of them at that point LOL) I said, hey guys, why do you both argue so much every Friday? She said, it's because we are half best friends, half brother and sister, and half husband and wife. So it's totally normal that we argue. THEY WERE SIX YEARS OLD!!! LOL!!!

I'm glad to hear it's so common.  I was told by the mom of a girl in DS's pre-k class one day that they had gotten married the day before in school, LOL, this is at 4!  I'm still not sure if he knows he's married, I respect his privacy .

He's also come home from daycare the past few days with pictures a different girl drew for him with hearts all over them.  This kid is going to be trouble.

[MJ2.0]

unlike X and I, DS seems to be very outgoing and he wants to play with every kid he sees. I don't know how much of that is personality or the fact that he's an only child. I would have enrolled him in a sport or martial arts already but I/we are stretched pretty thin financially and can't afford much in terms of activities.

[yogiii]

Jun 5, 2015 8:11:27 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

unlike X and I, DS seems to be very outgoing and he wants to play with every kid he sees. I don't know how much of that is personality or the fact that he's an only child. I would have enrolled him in a sport or martial arts already but I/we are stretched pretty thin financially and can't afford much in terms of activities.

Mine is also very outgoing too, he chats people up at the grocery store.
 
I also want to start him in karate but I think we'll wait until the fall or winter when he's closer to 5.5.  He's going to do swimming this summer.  So far we've been doing stuff with the YMCA or through the town.  Do you guys have those options close to you?  Town stuff is usually cheap, soccer was $75 and it went 8 weeks, you had to buy cleats and shin guards but I found some new ones at Richard's Sporting Goods for $20 and $5 respectively, so not bad, $100 total to play.  The classes at the Y are typically around the same price (70-100 for 8 weeks), less if you are a member but I'm not a member.  I know that still might be a lot for you right now but I'm guessing it's a bargain compared to karate.

[Lizard Queen]

We go to the park near our house frequently, and there's all kinds of kids to play with there.  DS1 was following a little girl around there last night.  That's not anything I would ever do.  DH and I are both pretty introverted, so we hope not to have to do play dates ever.  Our 2 boys are fairly close in age, so they can play together.  However, the little girl his age that attended DS's daycare is done as of today, and he's pretty sad about it. (And I'm really sad for him. )  We may have to suck it  up and do a play date sometime this summer, if her parents are willing.  They will be attending kindergarten at the same school in the fall, so hopefully they'll be in the same classroom.

Other than that, we have Tball continuing until next week, and possibly soccer at the end of the summer.  I don't really care to push him into sports too heavily, but it does get him out of the house into the fresh air with kids his own age.  We really should do some swim lessons too, so that he knows how to swim.

[Deleted]

I never did the playdate thing with either of my kids and we're out in the country with no other kids around. It just never really appealed to me. With 8 years between them and older son at his Dad's most weekends, it's a lot like having two onlies, but between cheap Y activities, daycare and school they get tons of interaction with other kids and on the weekends I would rather do things with just them.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Gwen is the queen bee wherever she goes.  When we had the party for the closing of my great uncle's restaurant she had every kid there following her around like lost puppies.

 I was getting myself into knots trying to figure out how to overcome my own social anxiety and arrange play dates. I didn't want to be the bad mother who stunted my kid socially.

Turns out I was the one overthinking. Gwen is quite content to be doing stuff with me/DH/the grandparents or swinging by herself in the backyard on weekends.

So I am just not going to bother with it.  She seems to be getting more than enough socialization at school to keep her happy at the moment.

If she requested play dates then that would be different.   I just think that it's been hammered into our heads this is something we MUST do for our children or we're somehow depriving/stunting them.  I'm getting myself all twisted up when Gwen isn't nearly as bothered as I am.

I watch Gwen play with our neighbors now and it's fascinating.  Friendships between 4 year olds are a lot different than how I interpret these things as an adult.   Friendships appear a lot more fluid at her age and what they want socially changes by the hour.

She makes buddies at the library, she makes buddies at the zoo.   Then the next day it's all forgotten and the cycle starts over.

[MJ2.0]

he asked again this morning if we were playing with C and C's mommy. I told him that C and his mommy are very busy so I don't think they will be able to play for a while. He sort of said "oh" in a disappointed voice. I know he'll move on but I do feel bad. This also isn't helping the little bit of guilt I have over not having another child.

[Tennesseer]

Jun 5, 2015 9:52:05 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

he asked again this morning if we were playing with C and C's mommy. I told him that C and his mommy are very busy so I don't think they will be able to play for a while. He sort of said "oh" in a disappointed voice. I know he'll move on but I do feel bad. This also isn't helping the little bit of guilt I have over not having another child.

Buy him a pony?

[Tennesseer]

Jun 5, 2015 9:52:05 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

he asked again this morning if we were playing with C and C's mommy. I told him that C and his mommy are very busy so I don't think they will be able to play for a while. He sort of said "oh" in a disappointed voice. I know he'll move on but I do feel bad. This also isn't helping the little bit of guilt I have over not having another child.

Don't beat youself over the head too much about a second child. Some thing are unforeseeable.

[Deleted]

It's hard to see our kids disappointed and unhappy. But it's part of life. We've had three sets of good friends move away.

I know they are young, but could they play mindcraft together online or skype ?

You are doing a good job, all you can... It's just not always easy and correctable, unfortunately.

[giramomma]

Jun 5, 2015 9:52:05 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

 This also isn't helping the little bit of guilt I have over not having another child.

There's no guarantees that siblings will be friends as children and totally want to play with each other because they have the same likes and interests.

Having another child means doing more than twice the work that you'd have with one child.

[myrrh]

Yes there are definitely good points and bad points about having more than one kid. Good point - they keep each other occupied. Bad point - a lot of times, it's not playing it's fighting, and constantly playing ref or asking for quiet gets old quick.

I have the problem where the kid down the street is coming over to play with my older, and this kid seems feel he can do whatever he wants without consequences. He'll start messing with something I don't want anyone messing with and then looks surprised and angry when told to not play with it. He'll also pick on my younger son. It's hard to pretend we're not home when my kids run up to the door whenever the doorbell rings.

[yogiii]

The guilt doesn't go away with the 2nd, it multiplies!

[Deleted]

A second child doesn't help.  Mine fight as much as they entertain each other and that drives me insane.  It's a lot easier to deal with either of mine one on one than having them together.

[MJ2.0]

thank you for reminding me of why I only have one, lol!

I know it would be double the work, and I'm pretty lazy. Last night after dinner and until bedtime all we did was watch videos of volcano eruptions and what lava does when it hits ice or goes underwater. I was trying to explain it in terms he can understand so I guess it was semi-educational and work was involved.

[Ryan]

I have a 6 year old and twin 4 year olds.  My twins are perfectly content just playing with each other.  I couldn't even imagine having playdates at this age because they tend to take so long warming up to the other kid that it might not be worth it.  

I didn't really start worrying about playdates until this year for my son.  I had assumed that, once my son started kindergarten (just right down the street) that he'd find out kids in his class lived a couple streets away and it'd be easy to arrange playdates.  Turns out, there actually are no kids that live in our immediate subdivision and, the ones that do, are kinda weird (in my eyes).  Like we have one house on the corner that has 2 kids, but I literally never see them...EVER.  

Now I'm starting to think I should've setup more playdates!  

[Deleted]

I'm so grateful I have kids that rarely if ever fight!