shelby
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Post by shelby on May 27, 2015 21:59:09 GMT -5
I just talked to my Dad and he is going to talk to him, so we will see how it goes. I know she will just shrug it off if he doesn't go because this is pretty standard for her.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 27, 2015 22:54:08 GMT -5
We are very close and she is close with her grampa (my father) so we will definitely be doing something special. It is just a very messed up situation for her at home for many reasons. If her home situation is very messed up, I would go beyond a girls weekend. Make it known to your niece that she has other options..other places to go than her parents home, long-term. The one thing I always hoped/wished for was some other family member/friend stepping up to the plate and providing a safe refuge for me when I didn't want to go home because of what was going on. Show her what normal looks like, again, long term. That's the best thing you can do for her.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on May 28, 2015 0:41:52 GMT -5
Graduations are really for the parents.
This is completely shitty (not sorry for the language, it fits here because it is exactly what it is), what her father and brother are doing here.
I don't know this man, but I already know he is a crappy father. He is pathetic, and barely a man. When you don't work because you're too busy living vicariously through your son, you're pathetic. There is no maybe about it.
Someone needs to explain to both the father and brother that it is just a GD club baseball game. NO ONE give a flying f-word about elite/club baseball games the minute they are over. NO ONE talks about what they did back in club/elite baseball after they play in high school, because no one gives a damn. The only people who still talk about it are the Uncle Rico types who are stuck in the past, and they're pathetic, too.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on May 28, 2015 6:25:31 GMT -5
shelby Can you do something a little special for niece's graduation? A friend of mine sent my DD Hawaiian woven lei's for the occasion. It was different and kind of special. You can order the traditional flower lei's too, but the woven green leaf ones were really interesting. Hope this picture works!! I think if it is important to the child, then parents should clue in & make sure dad goes to the graduation. Hey, just to warn you, this is a cute idea, but DD's high school says nothing but honor cords, service cords, or National Honor Society/Valedictorian/Saluditotian Stoles can be worn on the gown during grad. People often give female grads roses though. I think I will put a reminder on my calendar to order some.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on May 28, 2015 8:08:09 GMT -5
I could actually give the son a pass in this situation... but not the father. Bullshit. It's his sister for godsake. Nice message about what ranks where, in terms of priority. If the coach made an issue of it I'd tell him where to stick his bat. Family first. Maybe she doesn't care one bit if her brother comes. I didn't. Not everyone cares about this kind of meaningless ceremony (meaningless in that the ceremony is not the thing itself, merely a recognition of the thing itself...she graduates HS whether she's at the ceremony or not, as opposed to a wedding where the thing is happening at the actual event and without the event the thing hasn't occurred), and those that do don't necessarily lump everyone into the same group as really caring that they show up.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on May 28, 2015 10:57:41 GMT -5
Some of you people can really hold a grudge.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on May 28, 2015 11:05:09 GMT -5
Bullshit. It's his sister for godsake. Nice message about what ranks where, in terms of priority. If the coach made an issue of it I'd tell him where to stick his bat. Family first. Maybe she doesn't care one bit if her brother comes. I didn't. Not everyone cares about this kind of meaningless ceremony (meaningless in that the ceremony is not the thing itself, merely a recognition of the thing itself...she graduates HS whether she's at the ceremony or not, as opposed to a wedding where the thing is happening at the actual event and without the event the thing hasn't occurred), and those that do don't necessarily lump everyone into the same group as really caring that they show up. From what the OP posted, it doesn't sound like the niece is one of those people who shrug off so-called meaningless ceremonies.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on May 28, 2015 11:08:15 GMT -5
Maybe she doesn't care one bit if her brother comes. I didn't. Not everyone cares about this kind of meaningless ceremony (meaningless in that the ceremony is not the thing itself, merely a recognition of the thing itself...she graduates HS whether she's at the ceremony or not, as opposed to a wedding where the thing is happening at the actual event and without the event the thing hasn't occurred), and those that do don't necessarily lump everyone into the same group as really caring that they show up. From what the OP posted, it doesn't sound like the niece is one of those people who shrug off so-called meaningless ceremonies. Agreed, it was more the last point that applied to the brother piece. She clearly wants dad there from the sounds of it, but that doesn't necessarily mean she cares if brother attends. Even today, there are things I'd like one of my parents or my sibling to attend, but wouldn't care if another close family member wasn't there. I don't think we should assume brother is somehow abandoning her on her graduation day when we don't even know if she even cares to have him there.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on May 28, 2015 11:14:24 GMT -5
Should dad go to the graduation? Absolutely! Should her brother? I don't know. I think siblings should try to make it, but it's not like a parent not attending.
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shelby
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Post by shelby on May 28, 2015 13:40:07 GMT -5
Honestly I am not sure how she feels about it....I know she may shrug it off because she is used to this stuff. I do know she is very bitter at how her brother gets more resources and attention than she does....so I assume this will not help her feel any better. I just feel and would think after the really hard time she has the last 2 years they would be extra supportive.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on May 28, 2015 14:09:19 GMT -5
I don't have kids yet but I never understood parents who try to live through them especially when it comes to sports which I saw a lot growing up. Odds are the kid isn't going to be a professional baseball player. That doesn't mean you don't encourage him and let him play but they're basically putting all their eggs into that basket while straining the relationship with their other child. My uncle did the same thing with one of my cousins while almost ignoring the other one who was one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Years later the one they acted like **** gold is an unpleasant person after years of ass kissing while the one they neglected has emotional issues she'll be working on the rest of her life.
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shelby
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Post by shelby on May 28, 2015 14:13:52 GMT -5
I don't have kids yet but I never understood parents who try to live through them especially when it comes to sports which I saw a lot growing up. Odds are the kid isn't going to be a professional baseball player. That doesn't mean you don't encourage him and let him play but they're basically putting all their eggs into that basket while straining the relationship with their other child. My uncle did the same thing with one of my cousins while almost ignoring the other one who was one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Years later the one they acted like **** gold is an unpleasant person after years of ass kissing while the one they neglected has emotional issues she'll be working on the rest of her life. Exactly what is happening....but my nephew is actually a very nice respectful young man
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on May 28, 2015 14:49:41 GMT -5
I spoke to my sister today and her daughter is graduating in a few weeks. The ceremony will be on a Saturday night, my sister is going in for urgent surgery 2 days prior but will still be going. I mentioned even if she can't make it her DH/father will still be going....but she said no, he won't?!?! Aparently my nephew who is a few years younger will have a baseball game (really). She mentioned how it is an elite team so he cannot miss it (again really). They have spent so much time and effort on his baseball career that his father does not work (another issue) and literally spends almost all his time revolved around this. My niece is already upset and feels ignored because of this. The worst part is she had some major trauma happen about 2 years ago that set off a series of isseus that she has struggled through and was close to not graduating at all. So I am just really pretty pissed about it and really I just cannot understand how a parent would not do everything possible to see their daughter graduate. If my dad had tried to pull the equivalent sh*t (substitute swimming for baseball since both of my brothers made the national team), Grth Brooks would have adjusted his lyrics from "Mama's in the graveyard, Papa's in the pen" to "Papa's in the graveyard, Mama's in the pen" as a memorial to my family life. Your niece has every reason to feel ignored shelby, because she is!!!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 28, 2015 15:11:32 GMT -5
We are very close and she is close with her grampa (my father) so we will definitely be doing something special. It is just a very messed up situation for her at home for many reasons. Is grandpa going? Or can he go?
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shelby
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Post by shelby on May 28, 2015 15:16:39 GMT -5
Yes he is going I told him he better
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 28, 2015 15:22:25 GMT -5
Yes he is going I told him he better Great. If i'm not missing the mark, your niece is going to be more than pissed at her Dad but will never say it. However Grandpa being there is likely more important to her. Just remind her she is loved. FWIW: Something similar goes on in my cousin's kids, the boy gets all the attention/help/support and the older girl gets none. I once told her that 'I'm not your mama and I'm not your grandma therefore I can tell you you're my favorite.' She still is actually
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quince
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Post by quince on May 28, 2015 16:21:10 GMT -5
Hm. I personally think events are more important than ceremonies. A sporting event > graduation. Theatrical performance > awards ceremony. Action > recognition.
For the participants.
People who are only attending events instead of participating in them should be going to the recognition events, because the WHOLE POINT is RECOGNITION.
I think the kid gets a pass and should be allowed to participate in his athletic event: There is a commitment to the team when you join that sort of thing(same as to a cast in a play). I think the parents should exhaust every possible avenue to make sure they are BOTH in attendance to the graduation.
I personally hate recognition events and I hope to heaven my son is the same so I can get off the hook in attendance. I will be mildly irritated with the universe if I had to go to my goddamned graduations for my parents and end up having to go to more for my kid, but I certainly won't express that to my child if he wants to participate in these things, and I will be there for him if even remotely possible.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 28, 2015 19:35:27 GMT -5
My elderly father was one of the few of his siblings that actually graduated high school. He may have been the first. That may be why he vividly remembers nobody coming, but especially his parents.
I have a friend who found out after her parents' divorce that her father had been living through her. She was an All American basketball player in college. Dad had a long time affair with his high school sweet heart while she was in college and divorced her mother as soon as her playing days were over. When she asked her dad why he stayed in the marriage, he told her it was so he could watch her play. She said she was totally devastated that he kept this sham going on so he could live through her. When she was inducted in to her college's hall of fame, she did not invite her father and he did not show up.
Kids do know who is favored and they see if one parent is hurting another parent.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 28, 2015 20:50:37 GMT -5
When I read this yesterday, my heart broke a little. Last night my daughter had a dance performance, and I couldn't wait to go. I bought her a dozen roses (they were only 10 bucks at Safeway) and took time off work and all of us went out to dinner before hand.
There is a problem with dance vs. sports. My son has lots of games - in-season games, tournaments, off-season games, camps, etc. My daughter has like 4 dance recitals per year. I was hoping she would work towards being on team so she would have more tournaments and I would get to see her dance more - but that seems to be all talk. Also, I can't even go to many of her rehearsals. Some are through school, so no parents there, and some at the studio they like to keep their dance secret, so they close the viewing window. I wish I could make her feel like her thing is as important to me as his thing is. But his thing is a volunteer club - so we put in hours, and her thing is a business and we pay a lot of money. She can't see or feel the money part - but the time is pretty obvious.
I would not even have the operation - schedule it for the following week. I'm going to graduation!
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on May 28, 2015 21:01:48 GMT -5
Don't feel bad about missing rehearsals. They are boring and tedious and involve a lot of standing around. Making a big deal out of the actual performance and bringing flowers is perfect!
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 28, 2015 21:34:18 GMT -5
That is a real cheap shot by the dad.
My GrS just graduated from college. His stD/bros. went golfing instead. They did throw a very nice party for him and cooked all the food.
ETA: Two of the graduates did have leis.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2015 22:22:29 GMT -5
My son graduated the year after my daughter did. They're 2 years apart in age but DD's birthday is past the cutoff so she couldn't start school until the following year.
Their Dad, his parents, and his sister came to DD's graduation. None of them came to DS's. DS acted like it wasn't a big deal to him but I didn't like it at all. I think it mattered to him, but he didn't want to admit it. I'd been feeling like they'd started favoring DD when my kids were teenagers, not attending DS's graduation was the last straw. My ex's family was a big part of my kids' lives growing up so I was upset with all of them for not coming. He hasn't mentioned it since then, but I haven't forgotten. I didn't appreciate that they gave DD so much attention her senior year when she barely even graduated and they basically ignored DS his senior year. He also won an art competition his senior year. which got him a chance to go to LA for the national competition, all expenses paid. They didn't even congratulate him for that.
My family went to both graduations. My cousin that lives 6 hours away came home for both. We don't believe in treating one sibling better than the other.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 28, 2015 23:53:53 GMT -5
I don't have kids yet but I never understood parents who try to live through them especially when it comes to sports which I saw a lot growing up. Odds are the kid isn't going to be a professional baseball player. That doesn't mean you don't encourage him and let him play but they're basically putting all their eggs into that basket while straining the relationship with their other child. My uncle did the same thing with one of my cousins while almost ignoring the other one who was one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Years later the one they acted like **** gold is an unpleasant person after years of ass kissing while the one they neglected has emotional issues she'll be working on the rest of her life. Well, i do have kids and I can tell you, even if one of them was the next Mozart or Joe Dimagio or whatever, I would have kicked the shit out of my husband if he ignored our other kids and only concentrated on one There is just no excuse for that type of treatment and my heart breaks for that girl (in OP)
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 29, 2015 0:39:39 GMT -5
I don't have kids yet but I never understood parents who try to live through them especially when it comes to sports which I saw a lot growing up. Odds are the kid isn't going to be a professional baseball player. That doesn't mean you don't encourage him and let him play but they're basically putting all their eggs into that basket while straining the relationship with their other child. My uncle did the same thing with one of my cousins while almost ignoring the other one who was one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Years later the one they acted like **** gold is an unpleasant person after years of ass kissing while the one they neglected has emotional issues she'll be working on the rest of her life. Well, i do have kids and I can tell you, even if one of them was the next Mozart or Joe Dimagio or whatever, I would have kicked the shit out of my husband if he ignored our other kids and only concentrated on one There is just no excuse for that type of treatment and my heart breaks for that girl (in OP) The reality is - if he is good enough (and driven enough, etc. etc.) to be a professional player - unless this is one of those situations where all the scouts are going to be there - he can miss it and he would still succeed. And double reality - if he is good enough to be a professional player - Daddy missing any single event wouldn't be the thing that makes or breaks his career.
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on May 29, 2015 1:04:58 GMT -5
I missed my oldest sister's high school graduation. I was in the 6th grade and some genius scheduled our awards night at the same time. It didn't impact many people, but I do remember one boy who was made to go to his sister's graduation instead. I was receiving multiple awards, and if I didn't show up they would have given them to someone else. So my parents just dropped me off and picked up me up afterwards, but both went to her graduation. Even in 6th grade I understood. My sister wasn't upset with me. Of course with the number of people in our family had it rained we wouldn't have all been able to go anyway if it had been moved to the gym. So in some ways it made it easier for my mom and dad because they wouldn't have had to scramble at the last minute to figure out what to do with one of us had we all shown up and then there was rain.
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ners
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Post by ners on May 29, 2015 5:25:41 GMT -5
My younger nephew plays travel ball. His father is the manager. I want to believe that faced with a game for his younger son and his older son's graduation he would choose to attend the graduation, I know he would send his younger son to with another parent to the game. We might be faced with this next year.
My BIl would make sure the younger sibling had transportation to and from the game so the parent coud attend the graduation.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 29, 2015 5:50:42 GMT -5
I think DH and the brother should go. Period. But, this falls under "not your circus, not your monkey". Yeah, I think that stinks. And, at least her mom will be there. And, I don't know what your relationship is like with her DH but if you want, you could talk to him. But, honestly, you can't tell other adults what they should do. It is their family and they are going to behave however they wish to behave. Your sister probably already feels bad and in her mind is trying to deflect the discomfort of this by trying to make it sound like a justified absence. As others have said, go and make a big deal and be the happy beaming Aunt.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 29, 2015 8:14:50 GMT -5
How can a kid have a sports "career." I don't think sports is actually a career until you're paid to play.
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