Parents and Finances

[SVT]

Simply, how much should be known between parents and adult children as it relates to salary information as well as account balances/net worth and so forth. What do you spill about your situation to your parents or your children? Where do you think the line should be drawn as to what is talked about or said?

[debtheaven]

How old are the adult children? IMO it makes a difference.

DH and his parents (he was an only child) had very detailed discussions. It was well weird to witness them talking about wills, burials and cremations over dinner! But DH was in his 40s by then, and his parents were in their 60s and 70s.

Three of our four kids are *technically* adults now. I prefer to be relatively vague with them. They know the global picture (not enough income, paid off house, rentals) but they don't know the details nor the dollar (euro) amounts. The two older boys also know where we keep our will.

Since they are relatively young (18-24) I prefer to keep it that way for now. The fourth is only 12.

Our RE lawyer knows everything anybody would possibly want to know about us, and probably more. If DH and I get killed by a bus tomorrow, she is the person to go to.

[debtheaven]

ETA: Until you get to the estate planning phase of your life, frankly, nothing. Unless they are asking something of you. But if they're not, you don't need to share the financial nitty-gritty. You DO need to tell them where your will is, who to contact if you die, and to reassure them that they will be fine, financially (yes that is an assumption on my part.)

Hope this helps. And do remember, for you it's probably theoretical. For us, less so.

[formerexpat]

I was given a copy of my parents will at 18. I would have had custody of my 9 year old brother if they died.

As I said in your other thread, I manage the finances of my mothers husband's business. All of the 401k contributions, tax management, etc, etc. I know their financial situation basically in and out and we've developed a 15 year plan to see my mothers husband through to expanding his business and him decreasing his hours as he closes in on retirement.

My mother knows that I do very well and that we live pretty frugally, but otherwise, they don't know our financial picture too, too well. They know about how much we've paid for our home and I'll be open in our discussions but they don't have my financial picture in a spreadsheet like I do theirs.

I'm uncertain how I'll be with my children and at what age I'd open up more. I'm weary of telling a high school student our information for him to tell his friends and people get an idea of our financial picture. We currently live on an income equal to the median income of our area even though our income is >3X that. I don't like people thinking we're wealthy. I'm middle class by my nature and I prefer to be looked at that way by others. People look at you and treat you differently when they know you have money and I don't like it.

I do want our children to pick up a lot of what I've learned financially though before they go to college. I know they will make their own financial mistakes but I want to teach them responsibilities that will set good ground rules for how they manage their finances. Then again, my mother always used to make me put 50% of my gift money away in a savings account when I was younger and that percentage has stayed with me as the target savings percentage!

[debtheaven]

I would have had custody of my 9 year old brother if they died.


Expat, if you don't mind my asking, were you OK with that? I occasionally asked my three older kids if they would please babysit for the younger one(s) but I would never have dreamt of asking that level of responsibility from them until they were done with college.

At which point DS1 came to us, asking about that, who would take care of his baby bro.

Got to go to bed now, no rush.

[formerexpat]

Expat, if you don't mind my asking, were you OK with that? I occasionally asked my three older kids if they would please babysit for the younger one(s) but I would never have dreamt of asking that level of responsibility from them until they were done with college.

Absolutely - my mother asked me before they put it in the will. At 18 and in the event of my parents death, I would have gladly taken care of him and believe I would have taken as good of care of him as anyone else would. Their life insurance [which now I see wasn't enough], would have paid off the mortgage and left about $250k for us to work with until I graduated college. Older siblings would generally step up in households where a parent died [my grandfather lost his father when he was 7] and this would be no different.

Maybe naively, I didn't believe such an event would prohibit me from finishing college. [/size]

[luckyme]

I didn't know my parents "numbers" my dad got Alzheimers and my mom needed someone to talk to, and we had to make arrangements for his care, added me to their accounts, etc. They have both since passed on.

DH knows his father's finances, not his mothers. She has a SO, and they don't say much. Supposedly she has settled some things with her lawyer. She lies, so that may be a big surprise one day. They don't know ours, other than DH'shourly pay.

Our kids have no clue what we make, but know we have a lower income or at least lower lifestyle, than their friends. I remind them of this constantly!

[DVM gone riding]

my mom does my taxes-enough said right-she doesn't however tell my dad. My mom now knows everything about grandma-grandma is 91, but didn't till she needed to. I have a decent idea about mom and dad. I think we know more then most but then we have always been an open family.

[Elizabeth]

My step-dad won't tell me anything. He fought me tooth and nail to get his W2 to apply for student loans in college. I finally saw it though, but that was over 10 years ago. He has received many promotions and bonuses since then. I don't tell my parents at all what I make. It's not their business. I don't ask about theirs either.

[Deleted]

We have copies of my father's and MIL's wills and Trusts. At this point (ages 49 & 52) we have lost two parents and my MIL has had 4 serious bouts of cancer so making sure the estate planning was in order was important.

My dad doesn't have anything save his SS payment. His kind SO has granted him a quarter interest in the house they live in (because of his monthly contribution) but there's longevity in her family and I don't expect to see anything. I love my dad but I'm grateful he found a very sweet SO and doesn't have to live with us.

My MIL is a little more problematic. She has a excellent SES pension and had assets but I think her house spending is out of control. She's now re done her yard three times in 8 years. It wouldn't be any of our business but she did borrow a little money from us (which we can afford to lose) but says she can't pay us back yet because of some other expenses. Then no more than 3 sentences later I have to hear how she is "supporting" a local contractor who is down on his luck. Hey, it wouldn't bother me if she was getting a little on the side but that's not the situation. She sees herself as being the "Grand Dame" bestowing charity on this guy. We have a problem with her using our money to fund her charity so we'll be having a chat with her when we visit this summer. I really don't want to micro manage her finances but DH is an only child and she's made it clear that she expects to live near us so for better or for worse we are linked financially. I've already put my foot down that we are not going to be her LL nor can she live with us. We've gone through both experiences before and it wasn't pleasant.

[Agatha]

I never really knew how much money my parents had when I was growing up. I can remember the "poor" times vs the simply "frugal".

My father has always been the "no one needs to know my business" type of guy. And, yes, he includes his own children in that. I lost college scholarships because he would refuse to fill out the necessary papers. Even one I was guaranteed admission and scholarship to.

As he has grown older; he is now 88 and in a nursing home with multiple health problems the situation has not really changed. I don't know what happened to what my mother had in her bank account when she died. I don't know where his life insurance papers are; he still has GI insurance. I know he wrote a will in the 80's; he denied doing that later but I knew better as I was named executor and my mother made sure I knew that. I found it finally and it is in my possession. No, my father does not know that. Even with that it is going to be an unholy mess when he does pass away. My brothers and I expect that.

Luckily we get along well and can talk about such things together. I figure it will take at least a month, perhaps more, to get all the paperwork together but more than likely it will take a couple of years to get everything straight.

My son, who is 30, knows my financial status. He knows where I bank, where my money comes from and where it needs to go. I have a will and written instructions where he can find it. I don't have to worry about him trying to borrow money; he's extremely frugal, very independent, and, if truth be told, worries about me far more than I worry about him. The kid has sense and I'm proud of that fact.

How much should your children know about your finances? I think it all depends. There does come a time when they need to know. And if they can't handle it then. . .well, someone should. Lines drawn? I think the responsibility lies with the parents. Something should be written, at the very least, and kept in an accessible place to use when needed. It's a disaster waiting to happen if someone doesn't know.

[bobosensei]

DH is in the army so his salary is public information. His dad asks us for money all the time and although he never said that he looked up what DH makes, I know that he has a pretty accurate ballpark idea.

[whoisjohngalt]

I have an idea of what my parents have, but don't really ask, there is just no reason for it. I tell them about our monies, but if I didn't, they wouldn't care and would never ask.

I will never ever EVER!! tell my IL's anything bc they will just see us as an open ATM card. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. And since my DH doesn't know about all the secret stashes I keep for us, they won't find out. I wish they would tell us about their money or lack thereof, so I could have an idea of how much do I need to be saving for THEIR EF, but my DH thinks it's disrespectful to ask them to account for their spending. So, I just put away cash every month in the account I call "IL's EF"

Lena

[Deleted]

I haven't really shared this with my kids, and they are in their thirties. They know I will get a pension so I guess they figured that is enough. Lol.

[marvholly]

I am 64 and my adult kids are 35 & 32 w/young kids of their own. I have told them NOTHING. They don't need to know - yet. They are POD (pay on death) on all my accounts.

My Dad will be 93 this summe & his health is rapidly fadding. My brother has his POA and and is on all his accounts. He writes checks for all Dad's expenses.

We are evaluating just where he is $$ as he will need either a FT personal aide or to go into a skilled care facility in about 4-6 weeks. Per my brother he has enough to carry him 12-18 months. I do not think he will live even the 12 months.

[dividend]

I'm 29, my brother is 27. About 5 years ago, my parents went through the legal process of setting their financials up in a trust, so my brother and I were in on that process. They pretty much share everything with us. We both know where all their paperwork is, and how to access the safe at home, and the safety deposit box if we need to. We're set up to be able to access all the significant accounts. The lawyer actually told us that he was surprised by our level of openness. Dad's viewpoint is, it's only money. Mom does our taxes every year, and I show her my net worth spreadsheets sometimes when I hit significant milestones.
As an example, last week, before they left for a 2 week vacation, Dad refreshed my brother and I on the safe, and then e-mailed us their latest financial spreadsheet, which lists accounts numbers, contact information, balances, and values for their property. So right now I know their exact position. And it makes me really happy to know that I will never have to worry about taking care of them in their old age.

[Gardening Grandma]

I'm 66. My IL's are deceased. My mother has Alzheimer's and is in a NH on Medicaid. She impoverished herself giving her life's savings to her church before the Alzheimer's was suspected. She was very secretive and we knew nothing about her finances until she became incapable. She always insisted that she was "fine".

One of my children knows nothing about my situation and I want to keep it that way. If he had any idea, he'd be hitting me up for money regularly. The other son has a vague idea. He knows what we paid for our home and how much our mortgage is. He knows we get pensions and SS, but not the amount. He knows we have savings, but he doesn't know the amount. He does know where we keep our wills along with a list of accounts, who to contact, etc.

I know way too much about his finances because I fill out financial aid forms for his youngest son who attends a private school on financial aid...

[shanendoah]

My parents know what my annual salary is, and they know DH is on UE that will be running out soon. They also know that while we struggled for a little while, we've gotten ourselves on solid ground and are paying for DH's college out of pocket.

We have DPOA for the MIL's finances because she is no longer capable of managing them herself. I know more about her financial situation than she does, and it needs to stay that way, or she will spend herself in to the poor house. She lived with us for 16 months while we got her back on financial solid footing once before, and DH and I are both in agreement that that will NEVER happen again.

My brother and I are both on all of my mom's accounts. After my step-dad died, she just figured it was easier if we were there already. I know roughly what she makes. I know she's underwater in her house (NV real estate market) and that she wants to retire in a couple years when she will have a full pension from the state. We thought she might have to take early retirement this summer as they are dissolving her department, but they are moving her to another one, so that's good.
While I don't know the exact details (partly because I don't want to), I do have DPOA - medical and financial - for her (DBro is in Australia, so he's not a logical choice), so we're pretty well set there.

For Dad and step-mom, I don't really know anything. I hope my step-sister does.

For my father's parents, he and his siblings all have a very good idea of where they stand. GM's health has been declining rapidly and GF isn't too far behind. My aunt is the executor of their will, and, living nearby, is as involved as GF will let her be. They will leave behind a fairly significant estate, though many items are slotted to be donated to local museums. They've asked all their kids to mark the items they want (naturally all 3 of them wanted a painting of a horse they had growing up - I don't know whose getting that one), and nothing will officially be left to any of the grandkids, though there are some items DBro and I were promised (as the first two grandkids) that will be left to my father with the understanding they are to go to us.

[Pants]

I know bits and pieces of my parents financial picture: Know dad's previous salary from when I started out working for him. Know that they intend to leave us some money since they recently bought life insurance to pay for the estate taxes on a trust and I had to sign all the forms. Know that indicates their savings is sizeable and that I will not have to worry about them in their retirement. They live well but fairly basic lifestyle, but really spend out on the things they care about: travel, hobbies, etc. Sounds like a pretty good life to me.
They know somewhat our financial situation: they know my salary and my dh's. They know the amount of debt I hold from business school. They know that we have our heads on straight about savings, debt, etc., but only because I've told them little dribs and drabs here and there. Never sat down and had the "consolidated financial picture" conversation.

[souldoubt]

I've told my mom what I make simply during brief discussions when talking about raises, work, etc and she's asked. Aside from her I don't have that discussion with anyone else and I don't worry about her using that as a way to ask me for money. Her and my two uncles know the net worth of my Grandma if they paid attention to the recent trust documents they had to sign.

[illinicheme]

This is a timely thread. I actually just saw my parents' net worth last night while having a discussion with my dad about investing. He's 62 and I'm 32.

Growing up, I never knew much of anything about their finances, beyond lessons on credit cards and lectures about saving. I knew they were doing fine, but didn't know the total numbers. Last night, my dad was describing some tool that Vanguard has that let's you pull everything together in one spot, and he was basically like "I don't find showing you the details if you'd like to see" - so I now know for sure that they are a hair shy of $6 million in net worth (I had already guessed it was probably around that number).

I have no problem with my parents knowing our financial details, but DH isn't fully comfortable with it. I think he'd be happier paying an outside CPA/fee-only advisor once we need that kind of support, but I trust my dad and his knowledge more (plus he's free!) We'll see how it goes over the next couple of years. At any rate, there is fortunately no danger of anyone in my immediate family begging anyone else for money.

[Deleted]

My parents are late 50's and I'm mid 20's. I know about what my parents make in a year, but really don't have a good feeling for what they have saved up. Likewise, I'm sure my dad knows what I make within $10K, but probably doesn't have a good feel for what I'm worth.

I'm certainly curious to find out what they have saved up, but won't come out and ask if they don't want to share. We share bits and pieces with each other, but no specific conversations about finances.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My Dad had a stroke in Dec. 2009 so a lot of the will/POA stuff got handled then. He's doing great, by the way. One of my BILs is curious and he asked my parents about money shortly after he married my sister. That really opened the door for all of us to discuss money. It probably helps that all of us are fairly responsible financially and are guardians for each others kids.

I know a fair amount of my parents financial stuff. They know a fair amount of ours too. They're living comfortably on their pensions and SS. They're starting to take mandatory deductions and are deciding on a plan for those monies (laddering CDs seems to be the current plan.)

We do the taxes for the ILs so we know where they are financially. I don't know about wills and POAs for them. Guess we need to ask when we do their taxes this year...

[debtheaven]

This message has been deleted.

[debtheaven]

Expat thanks, I will definitely be rethinking things.

I erased my last post because I don't want to hijack SVT's thread

[Cookies Galore]

My Dad knows a lot about my financial picture. I trust him completely and I turn to him for advice. Aside from BF, my Dad is the only one who knows I paid off a credit card balance in December. I told him on Christmas Eve that I paid off one card and was on track for being debt-free in May, he clinked wine his wine glass with mine and asked how good I was feeling; if I told my mom that she's say something with a sarcastic tone, like "well isn't that nice?." Mom knows I'm racing to pay off credit card debt, she just doesn't know how close to being done I am. When I was laid off and got my job offer, my Dad got the full details of my benefits package. I'm comfortable with sharing with my Dad and I'm vague with Mom, because I feel that my Dad would offer me sound advice (which he has) and Mom would hit me up for money (which she has).
As for my parents, I know my Mom is a disaster waiting to happen and I would love to bury my head in the sand. My Dad, on the other hand, I don't worry about. I know he's got things covered.

[motherto2]

My parents know what I make and I have vague ideas about how much their retirement checks are. I know they have a fair amount of savings, house paid off, no debt, etc. They know what I have too, but don't know all the specific amounts. It's not that we don't trust each other, but I'm not really curious to know and I don't think they are either. They know they can trust me. I know where things are and who to contact if they both pass. I know their funeral arrangements, wishes and all that. They know my wishes as far as being kept alive, donating organs, that I don't want to be cremated or want any lavish funeral expenses, but I haven't made my own plans yet like they have. My kids now know my ball park salary, but only because of college loans. They have been sworn to secrecy, and know better than to tell their dad. I'm not hiding it for money from him or anything like that. I pay for anything over their student loans, because he will only pay half of those and not really anything else. Just that he's super nosy, and it's none of his business. They aren't particularly close to him, so I don't need to worry about that. They don't really need to be burdened with my info yet because even though they are both adults (18 and almost 22), they won't have to worry about things if something happens to me. My folks have that under control and will take care of it for them. As they get older, I'll do more of that, but no sense in bothering them with it now.

[busymom]

I think it's very important for parents & children (adult) to communicate with each other on where all the important paperwork is (in the event of an unexpected & sudden death, you may have to come up with some of that paperwork quickly, such as a veteran's paperwork giving him the right to be buried in a national cemetery). My Dad told me where to find everything before he passed away, which was good because although he was old when his time came, he died quickly. My girlfriend, on the other hand, had a Dad that told her nothing. They barely found his veteran's paperwork before the funeral, and digging in a paper-filled basement to find out info on insurance & other items have been a nightmare for the family. It could be years before everything is settled.

[dragonfly7]

I don't need (or give) most nitty gritty details, but my parents have a vague idea and vice versa. My parents weren't willing to fill out the FAFSA but let me have access to the necessary paperwork, so I know what they were making at that point in time. It's gone up since then, and they've also eliminated most of their debt in the meantime. I don't know what their end-of-life wishes are or if they even have a will, but I'm willing to bet all of the important papers and keys are in a certain kitchen cupboard or the safety deposit box where they've banked my whole life. I have known where the emergency cash stash was since I was 12. They know it would take about a year of me working full-time at my prior income to pay off our credit card debt, but they have no idea how much we have in student loans. DH's salary is publicly available information, and I'm sure my mother has looked. DH shares everything with his parents, even things I don't want him to, but I've no idea what their financial details are beyond, "Not great."

[Bluerobin]

I was my mom's POA and Executor, so she kept me appraised of just about everything. I also had the taxes done for her. I chose not to share my financial info with her, since there was no need. I would only tell her I was doing ok when she asked.