well $#!@

[debthaven]

I'm so sorry Mutt. 

I'm guessing your DH feels guilty, and thinks your move was bad timing. He's probably wishing you hadn't moved so far from his mom. Unfortunately, he's taking that out on you. 

I know your DH is the SAHP. Can you arrange for daycare for your kids on Fridays and/or Mondays, so that he can see his mom for long weekends? Look into FT daycare too, short term (either for now or later). 

I know you just started a new job and can't be the babysitter. But both DH and I lost all four parents within 23 months. The greatest gift we gave each other was the ability to go to them when we needed to. This was many years ago, so our kids were little. His attitude right now sucks but that's the best thing you can do for him now ... give him the ability to spend time with his mom. Knowing that you spent that time (or didn't) with an ill / dying parent is something that stays with you for life. 

Can you set up some childcare arrangement so that he can spend long weekends with his mom? Ideally, with a set-up that you might use again/more frequently in the future? 

Also, you need to know what to expect. But if you can find (even temporary) solutions to the childcare issues, you are in your rights to say that to him: I know you want to spend time with your mom, and we will do what we need to do to make that possible. But in the meantime, you have to be open with me, so I know what to expect. 

For now, I would REALLY encourage you to try to find an alternative childcare arrangement for either Fridays, or Mondays, or both. You are clearly a social person who had a huge network in your old place. As time goes on, you'll establish that again. Bank favors when you can, with new friends or neighbors or colleagues. Invite people over, even if you (and especially your DH) don't feel like it, to get to know people, make friends with other parents of kids your kids' ages. 

Hugs to you Mutt. I know it's a rough time. 

[irishpad]

May 13, 2015 15:47:41 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Upset. He's closed himself off a lot. He's not forthcoming with details to me. I get more information from what he emails our old pastor and his sister's facebook page.

muttleynfelix, do you also have contact with your old pastor?  If so, have a confidential conversation with him/her and tell the pastor how your husband is reacting / closing you out.  Then maybe your pastor could bring up the topic with your husband without letting him know you have conversed.   The pastor may or may not be able to broach the topic with him in a sideways manner like  "how are mutty and the kids doing?  They are going to need time to be with grandma / MIL too and as her husband and their father, you need to help make that happen."    

[NastyWoman]

 For you Mutt and for your family

[TheOtherMe]

 and   to you and your family.  Somehow, you have to convince the family to get hospice involved.  My mother was in critical condition when hospice got involved with her and they got her some better and she had qualify of life for about 5 months before she passed.  The last 3 weeks were bad, but for the most part she lived a good life for about 3 months of that time.  Here, hospice care was free to us.  It was all covered by Medicare.

Hospice nurses and care people are true angels.

[muttleynfelix]

I think SIL is on hospice. I dont really know. So DH will be there next week, then SIL will be there the weekend after that and I think the 4 of us will go the first weekend in June. We have offers of places to stay, so I just need to find out who is going to be around for us to stay with.

[muttleynfelix]

Hubby is down there. The kids are being spoiled at my parents. The dog and I don't really know what to do with ourselves. MIL is really poorly. She's retaining fluid in her legs and the doctor wants to draib it and she is refusing because she is refusing everything. She can't stay at the facility she is at because it is a rehab facility and medicare requires progress to pay for it. Of course there is no progress. I wish my SIL and BIL would have asked for help finding a facility. Shouldn't there have been a social worker at the hospital they could have consulted? It doesn't matter I guess. Just live and learn.

DH told DS that MIL is dying. We show up at my parents house and he goes to my mom "Daddy went to see MeeMaw because MeeMaw is dying". Then at church my mom mentioned my MIL in prayers and my DS leans over to her and askes if she was talking about MeeMaw because we should pray for MeeMaw. He was also snuggled up next to my Grandma which made me smile.

[mollyanna58]

May 18, 2015 11:44:55 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

. I wish my SIL and BIL would have asked for help finding a facility. Shouldn't there have been a social worker at the hospital they could have consulted?  

We took my father to the ER recently, and a social worker showed up to talk to my brother and  me while Dad was still in the exam room.  A social worker also called my mother a couple of times to discuss where we would like him discharged to; gave her a choice of 3 facilities nearby.  Now that he's at a rehab place, their social worker wants to set up a care plan meeting. 

Yesterday I had to take my mother to the ER, and she was admitted for a few days, so I'm pretty sure we'll be hearing from another social worker.

If your MIL can't stay where she is, maybe your BIL and SIL have to ask for a social worker for help.

[muttleynfelix]

I brought up the social worker thing with DH. He's there so if she has to be moved this week he'll help find the new place to go.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

May 18, 2015 11:44:55 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Hubby is down there. The kids are being spoiled at my parents. The dog and I don't really know what to do with ourselves. MIL is really poorly. She's retaining fluid in her legs and the doctor wants to draib it and she is refusing because she is refusing everything. She can't stay at the facility she is at because it is a rehab facility and medicare requires progress to pay for it. Of course there is no progress. I wish my SIL and BIL would have asked for help finding a facility. Shouldn't there have been a social worker at the hospital they could have consulted? It doesn't matter I guess. Just live and learn.

DH told DS that MIL is dying. We show up at my parents house and he goes to my mom "Daddy went to see MeeMaw because MeeMaw is dying". Then at church my mom mentioned my MIL in prayers and my DS leans over to her and askes if she was talking about MeeMaw because we should pray for MeeMaw. He was also snuggled up next to my Grandma which made me smile.

Yes, there should have been someone at the hospital to act as a conduit.  When my dad was in the hospital the last time, I had a very lengthy conversation with the hospital's employee to help place my dad when he got out.  But he had another set back, and never got into the rehab facility.  But she had a list of places, suggestions on each and the advantages/disadvantages of them all.

I'm sorry, Mutt.....it doesn't look good for your MIL, especially if she is refusing everything.  Your DH needs to asking about hospice care at this point.

[TheOtherMe]

The last five years of my mom's life, whenever she was hospitalized, a social worker was involved before she was released.  The social worker always put it to us straight concerning how mom would do.  They were pretty close to how it went.  

Mutt, are your DH and his siblings not listening to the social workers?  

The last time my mom was released from hospital it was to hospice care at her home.  She made her wishes very clear and signed all the proper paperwork for a DNR, no artificial feeding, only meds to keep her comfortable at the end, etc.  Sadly, dad will most likely not have the option to die at home because he helped care for mom.

DH definitely needs to be looking in to hospice and how it works in the area where MIL is located.  

[Works4me]

Also, Medicare has a specific Hospice Benefit for people with a life expectancy of six months or less - ask about it.

[muttleynfelix]

"Mutt, are your DH and his siblings not listening to the social workers?  "

As far as DH and I know, there wasn't (isn't) a social worker involved. That is what has me confused. Now she was diacharged to the rehab facility before the terminal diagnosis. So that may have been why.

I've brought it up to DH and he is on it. There is a team meeting today. So, we'll see what happens there. His family has a hard time asking/accepting help. It helped me to brainstorm with my parents as they have gone through this.

She's retaining fluid so badly, I just can't see her lasting long. DH keeps giving her hints that you know you have more to live for than just your cats. We are planning on going in a little over 2 weeks, but I just wonder if she is really going to last that long. But at the same time, she is still doing rehab and yesterday took some steps. Tough to know.

[Peace77]

Is she able to drink some coffee or tea (hot or iced)?  Both are mild diuretics.

[kcladyjane]

Muttley - Let me know if you need any help while you are here....Sorry about your MIL.

[TheOtherMe]

May 19, 2015 1:20:37 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Also, Medicare has a specific Hospice Benefit for people with a life expectancy of six months or less - ask about it.

That is what paid for mom's hospice care.  She used it for 4 months.

I've had a client use it several times as she has transitioned in and out of hospice a few times.  

[lurkyloo]

So sorry about all of this.     I might consider trying to have your kids visit as a reminder that she does have things to live for, but not if you think it would traumatize the kids.

It's so hard to watch people give up.     This is kind of awful but is there any sort of goad or useful irritation you could apply to try to snap her out of the shock of diagnosis?  On the level of "Your church rival Betty Jo is taking over the flower arrangements and using (insert flowers she's allergic to)"?  





(...Yes, I suck at accepting it when there's nothing I can do.  Apparently also at giving advice. Wishing you and your family the best.) 

[sapphire12]

Muttley, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

[muttleynfelix]

She took a pretty bad turn for the worse yesterday.  She finally agreed to have the fluid drained and the doctor said it wouldn't do anythingso he wouldn't do it Hospice has been called in. They don't come until the doctor recommends and apparently this dotor only recommends them at the very end.     I think the kids and I will go down Friday.  Maybe tomorrow, but it will make for a super long day today if we go tomorrow (basically I have to pack then drive to my parents after work).   SIL moved her trip up to this weekend.  Basically at this point while no one is saying it, they don't think she will live past this weekend,  I woke up this morning upset about all of this.  The first time I have really let my emotions come through on it.  I have meetings all day today and I don't need to be a crying mess. 

[Deleted]

Sorry to hear this muttley.  I hope your day goes ok despite all this.

[taz157]

May 20, 2015 7:52:09 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sorry to hear this muttley.  I hope your day goes ok despite all this.

[midjd]

I'm sorry, Muttley. I hope you and the kids get to see her and make some good memories this weekend.

[zibazinski]

I'm so sorry. It's tough to be a virtual family/friends when you need IRL ones. We are all thinking of you.

[wvugurl26]

So sorry muttley. It's hard to not be there.

[shanendoah]

*hugs*

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

May 19, 2015 8:43:18 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

"Mutt, are your DH and his siblings not listening to the social workers?  "

As far as DH and I know, there wasn't (isn't) a social worker involved. That is what has me confused. Now she was diacharged to the rehab facility before the terminal diagnosis. So that may have been why.

I've brought it up to DH and he is on it. There is a team meeting today. So, we'll see what happens there. His family has a hard time asking/accepting help. It helped me to brainstorm with my parents as they have gone through this.

She's retaining fluid so badly, I just can't see her lasting long. DH keeps giving her hints that you know you have more to live for than just your cats. We are planning on going in a little over 2 weeks, but I just wonder if she is really going to last that long. But at the same time, she is still doing rehab and yesterday took some steps. Tough to know.

Yeah, my dad's wife had one of these meetings about my dad right before he went into hospice.  She met with all the doctors that were involved in my dad's care, the social worker and hospice care.  They were a tremendous resource at the very end.

If you want to see her, sooner is better than later.  When I was trying to decide whether to go back east or not when my dad was failing, I took a long time to decide and one of my instructors finally told me to go.  TD had been telling me too, but she really pushed the point home.  Unfortunately, my dad died while I was in the air on the way......

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

 for Mutt and family, and for Mich.  No matter the relationship, losing one's parent is a turning point in one's life.  

[gacpa]

Our thoughts are with you and your family.  I think you are wise to go visit ASAP.  My dad passed while I was on the way home and I did not get to see him until after he had passed. 

[Jaguar]

((( BIG HUGS )))

[tcu2003]

May 20, 2015 7:34:41 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

She took a pretty bad turn for the worse yesterday.  She finally agreed to have the fluid drained and the doctor said it wouldn't do anythingso he wouldn't do it Hospice has been called in. They don't come until the doctor recommends and apparently this dotor only recommends them at the very end.     I think the kids and I will go down Friday.  Maybe tomorrow, but it will make for a super long day today if we go tomorrow (basically I have to pack then drive to my parents after work).   SIL moved her trip up to this weekend.  Basically at this point while no one is saying it, they don't think she will live past this weekend,  I woke up this morning upset about all of this.  The first time I have really let my emotions come through on it.  I have meetings all day today and I don't need to be a crying mess. 

Is there anyway you could pack today after work so you're ready to leave after work tomorrow? Will your parents meet you at work or somewhere in the middle if there house isn't on the way?

And hugs - this is a tough situation all the way around.

[muttleynfelix]

May 20, 2015 12:30:28 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

May 20, 2015 7:34:41 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

She took a pretty bad turn for the worse yesterday.  She finally agreed to have the fluid drained and the doctor said it wouldn't do anythingso he wouldn't do it Hospice has been called in. They don't come until the doctor recommends and apparently this dotor only recommends them at the very end.     I think the kids and I will go down Friday.  Maybe tomorrow, but it will make for a super long day today if we go tomorrow (basically I have to pack then drive to my parents after work).   SIL moved her trip up to this weekend.  Basically at this point while no one is saying it, they don't think she will live past this weekend,  I woke up this morning upset about all of this.  The first time I have really let my emotions come through on it.  I have meetings all day today and I don't need to be a crying mess. 

Is there anyway you could pack today after work so you're ready to leave after work tomorrow? Will your parents meet you at work or somewhere in the middle if there house isn't on the way?

And hugs - this is a tough situation all the way around.

yeah, I'll pack and do laundry tonight, but I'll still have to deal with the dog tomorrow. It makes no sense for my parents to meet me since it is the same distance from their house to MILs as it is from mine. Anywhere in between just makes the trip longer. So, I'll just go to their house so the kids aren't in the car longer than necessary.

MIL is stable today. Now I just have to make some phone calls and find out if people were serious about having us stay with them.