Should I / How Should I decline $$$ from Parents

[Deleted]

My parents are planning to give DF and I around $3000 as a wedding gift. They did the same thing for my older sister, and it's meant to help defray the cost of the wedding. DF's parents are already planning to pay for the wedding, and more than comfortably have the money for it. My dad is aware that the bride's parents are planning to cover the wedding costs, and he said we could do as we please with the wedding money - honeymoon, car fund, house fund, whatever.

However, my parents aren't well off by any means, and I think I'd prefer to see them keep the money and put it towards their retirement. I know they've got a lot of saving left to do, as money was always tight in our household growing up. For a few years I remember qualifying for reduced lunch prices at school. I recall filling out the FAFSA for the first time and realizing my dad was supporting a family of 6 on a $40-50K income. We had what we needed, but not much more. They've also had a few medical blips over that last few years that I'm sure weren't cheap.

I've been out of college about 3 years now and have been able to save north of 50% of my net income (I suppose it's easy when you never grew up having money to spend.) I make a nice income now, more than both of parents combined. I'm well ahead of my peers when it comes to saving and investing, much of that due to what I've learned from my parents no doubt.

So, like I said, I honestly prefer for them to keep the money and put it towards their retirement or a nice trip for themselves. Is there a way I can graciously decline the money, or will it inevitably end with feelings hurt and pride wounded? Or should I just gratefully accept the money and keep my nose out of their finances?

[vonnie6200]

You could be very gracious - then buy a CD which is earmarked toward helping them out in the future.

[patchwork150]

If I were in this situation:

1. I would attempt to graciously decline. However, if they react negatively and it could put a rift in your relationship, I would accept and do the following:

stick in in an account, and one day when they need it you can pull it out and hand it over

things come up. I'm sure there will be an occasion in your lifetime where they will need you to help them out, if they are that far behind in saving for retirement.

More than likely they view this on a point of pride, and sometimes you can't argue with that.

[Deleted]

What vonnie said...

[whoisjohngalt]

What does your DF thinks?

To answer your question - it depends on what kind of people your parents are. If they are prideful, I would accept it, say thank you and put it aside. If their feeling wont' be hurt, I would decline.

I tell my mom all the time not to spend money on us or the kids. But we have that type of relationship and I know she is not hurt.

One year my IL's bought all kinds of presents for us and my SIL and BIL and before we could open them, they called us and asked for money for heating oil. I told my DH to tell them "next time skip the presents" since we are actually paying for them. But he didn't want to bc "it made them feel good". Whatever. There is only so many fights I can have about my IL's.

The point is - only you know what kind of reaction your parents will have

Good luck
Lena

[dcmetrocrab]

Second what patchwork and Lena said. It depends on your relationship with your parents. Also keep in mind that if you do decide to accept gracefully but "put it away" for them for later, they may want to hear you gush over how you used their money to go towards flowers, etc for the wedding, and the cover would be blown. You know your parents best. Best wishes and congratulations on the wedding btw!

[cronewitch]

My dad gave each of us kids money every time he made large gifts to the needy child. The last time was 13K each when I wasn't positive it was really affordable. I took the money and used it but keep that money in the back of my mind. So far I paid forward 5K to one of their grandchildren. I figure I owe my widowed mother to take care of her if it turns out she needs it. She has more income than she can spend so probably won't need money and since my brother got the same amount giving it to mom now would mean when we inherit it would be giving two thirds to my brothers. So I am keeping it until I see if she ever needs financial help.

So if I was the OP I would accept the gift and consider it a loan to be repaid in 20 years or more. Then when the parents need something major in retirement like a car you can make a generous gift.

[haapai]

You might be able to ask your parents to save it for your other siblings' weddings. This also puts a nice break in the tradition of generous wedding gifts that your parents might not be able to afford.

[Clever Username]

$3k isn't going to make or break their retirement.

Consider this an opportunity to learn to graciously accept gifts.
Notice how you evaluated your needs for the money (ie bride's family paying) BEFORE evaluating their ability to give?
These are your wise elders. There is a lesson here. Look for it.
If you have trouble finding it, listen closely before they smudge up your forehead today, they'll quote it for your directly.

[Deleted]

As most of you have suggested, I think it's probably best that we just accept the gift. They are smart people and wise with their finances; it would likely be insulting for me to decline the gift (i.e. tell them how to spend their money).

Clever Username - I've read your post about 3 times and still honestly have no idea what you are trying to say.

EDIT: Okay, I got it. I suppose you are making a reference to Ash Wednesday services.

[Bob Ross]

I've found it's pretty fun to attach a $100 bill to a fishing line and make them chase it around the house.

Oh, you meant how to not take money FROM your parents?

Just take the money already. Then put it in a big jar on the kitchen counter. The next time they're over and ask what it's for, just tell them you're saving up to put them in a home.

[katedenorm]

If it's offered - take it.
I like all of the ideas about setting it aside for them for when they need it. Kind of a senior allowance. Maybe some day down the road, they'll mention something that they would like to do or would do if they had the money. Ta da! Here you go.
And don't forget to say thank you! LOL

[Deleted]

My DF's mother is the same way. We just put the money she gives us aside for her when she has no money (has happened before).

[debtheaven]

I would accept it graciously and use it for something they think is important, like the honeymoon or a DP, whatever. Since the wedding itself is paid for, I'd probably ask them what would give them the greatest pleasure.

If they have been supporting a family that size on their income, they are obviously good with their money. So if they are giving you this gift, it means it is important to them, and they want to do it. I don't think you should refuse it. I know I would be extremely hurt if one of my young adult kids said that to me.

You're in a good financial position yourself. So I would accept their gift with grace, and keep your ears open, I'm sure you'll find a way to return the favor one day. I'd treat them to something they may not want to treat themselves to. For example a vacation, or if you live far from them, tickets for them to visit you and future grandkids. Or maybe you can surprise them with an appliance when one of theirs breaks down.

As a parent, please don't deny them this pleasure.

Good luck!

[tractor]

You could always use it to buy booze at the wedding, or get it all in singles and pass it around to everyone who attends the show. In reality, like everyone else has said, take the money and invest it for your future, you will need it (everyone does).