Wanting to be anywhere but where you are...

[emma1420]

So last week I had dinner with someone I haven't seen in about 20 years.   Despite having quite a lot in common (so not having to rely a walk down memory lane), I felt like this other person couldn't wait to get rid of me. There were lots of clues (so I'm not just imaging it).  It's really upset me, far more than it probably should (it irritates me that it still bothers me).

So I don't understand why anyone agrees to hang out with someone if they don't want to?  Is it the obligation? This person could have said they were busy and were unavailable.  It wouldn't have been a big deal.  I get hanging out when in a forced situation (work, family functions, etc.), but when you have an option to say no, why do so many people say yes, when it's clear they wished they could have said no?

[Deleted]

It might not be about you.

When you plan a get together ahead of time, sometimes your life can go awry unexpectedly. Rather than cancel, you do the hour or two, but you might be really distracted over a situation you don't want to share. 

If they never follow up with a 'it was nice to see you, lets do that again", then you know they just weren't comfortable being there. If they do want to meet up again, then you'll know something else was going on.

[yogiii]

May 7, 2015 10:11:30 GMT -5 @rockit said:

It might not be about you.

When you plan a get together ahead of time, sometimes your life can go awry unexpectedly. Rather than cancel, you do the hour or two, but you might be really distracted over a situation you don't want to share. 

If they never follow up with a 'it was nice to see you, lets do that again", then you know they just weren't comfortable being there. If they do want to meet up again, then you'll know something else was going on.

Does this person have kids?  I can think of tons of kid-related things that may have happened an hour or so before your meeting that left her distracted and preoccupied.  It could be things she didn't want to vent about because you don't see her to often and she thought it would be out of place.  Perhaps she didn't realize that even without saying something was wrong, her whole attitude was projecting it.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I agree with Rockit.....it may not be about you, but more the circumstances that they're in at the time.

I know that I have planned things and then wished that I hadn't the day of, only because there was a lot of stuff I needed to deal with that day.  But the idea of canceling at the last minute just seems rude.

What I'd do is follow up with this person.  You should be able to get an idea as to how your call is received if it's about you, or circumstance.

[emma1420]

For this particular person, I'll leave it up to them to reach out to me next time I'm town.   I won't follow-up with them again. 

However, it's a good point about life going awry unexpectedly (although I'm fairly sure this wasn't the case in my situation).

[emma1420]

May 7, 2015 10:49:19 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I agree with Rockit.....it may not be about you, but more the circumstances that they're in at the time.

I know that I have planned things and then wished that I hadn't the day of, only because there was a lot of stuff I needed to deal with that day.  But the idea of canceling at the last minute just seems rude.

What I'd do is follow up with this person.  You should be able to get an idea as to how your call is received if it's about you, or circumstance.

This person doesn't have kids.  But, I did send a text message thanking this person for hanging out with me, and I didn't get a response.

I also paid for dinner and never got a thank you.  I'm over it, other than the fact that I feel like this person wasted my time now.

[Deleted]

emma1420

paid for dinner and never got a thank you: OK, this person is just rude. It is poor manners not to thank someone for picking up the tab.

text message thanking - I didn't get a response: Very rude.


Was this an 'old friends getting together' or a 'reconnect & maybe we can date' kind of get together? 

[cktc]

May 7, 2015 11:07:35 GMT -5 @rockit said:

emma1420

paid for dinner and never got a thank you: OK, this person is just rude. It is poor manners not to thank someone for picking up the tab.

text message thanking - I didn't get a response: Very rude.


Was this an 'old friends getting together' or a 'reconnect & maybe we can date' kind of get together? 

Yeah, all of that. It's hard to come up with a appropriate explanation for all around inappropriate social behavior. If this was potentially romantic, consider yourself spared.

[Tiny]

May 7, 2015 9:56:23 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

So last week I had dinner with someone I haven't seen in about 20 years.   Despite having quite a lot in common (so not having to rely a walk down memory lane), I felt like this other person couldn't wait to get rid of me. There were lots of clues (so I'm not just imaging it).  It's really upset me, far more than it probably should (it irritates me that it still bothers me).

So I don't understand why anyone agrees to hang out with someone if they don't want to?  Is it the obligation? This person could have said they were busy and were unavailable.  It wouldn't have been a big deal.  I get hanging out when in a forced situation (work, family functions, etc.), but when you have an option to say no, why do so many people say yes, when it's clear they wished they could have said no?

I assume you did the initial connecting - asking them to join you.    People say Yes for a variety of reasons - maybe they were apprehensive but decided to take a chance and said Yes.   We're all told we shouldn't pass up opportunities... and sometimes you have to actually accept the opportunity to figure out if it's good/bad/other you can't tell from a distant. 

Perhaps your dinner companion thought they might enjoy your company - but maybe you reminded them of some of their own 'percieved' failures?    Maybe they precieved that YOU are or have something they wish they had (maybe you are thinner, more successful, have better hair?, are happier?) than they are?    Maybe you reminded them of what they could have had but didn't get/go for?

The flip side might have been -that you haven't changed much - you are still the 'wonderful' 'cool' 'happy' person you were 20 years ago - and your companion was hit the realization that MAYBE they haven't changed (maybe they don't particularly like themselves) ? 

 I doubt their need to be anywhere else was about YOU directly... it was about them. 
 

[emma1420]

May 7, 2015 11:07:35 GMT -5 @rockit said:

emma1420

paid for dinner and never got a thank you: OK, this person is just rude. It is poor manners not to thank someone for picking up the tab.

text message thanking - I didn't get a response: Very rude.


Was this an 'old friends getting together' or a 'reconnect & maybe we can date' kind of get together? 

From my perspective it was someone who I hadn't seen in forever that I thought it would be fun to catch up. I wouldn't have minded if we had reconnected as friends and talked more regularly (you know a couple times a year versus once every 20 years), but I'm not interested in dating the guy.  I don't know, perhaps he was worried that I was.

It doesn't really matter though.  It just annoys me that someone agrees wot spend time with a person when they clearly don't want to.   

[HoneyBBQ]

I'm an asshole, so I would call them out own their behavior.

BUT

It's probably not worth it. I wish I were a "let sleeping dogs lie" person. But I'm not.

Sorry you were treated poorly. I'm sure you didn't deserve it. Their loss. You can buy my dinner anytime and I'll be nice!

[emma1420]

May 7, 2015 11:30:51 GMT -5 Tiny said:

May 7, 2015 9:56:23 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

So last week I had dinner with someone I haven't seen in about 20 years.   Despite having quite a lot in common (so not having to rely a walk down memory lane), I felt like this other person couldn't wait to get rid of me. There were lots of clues (so I'm not just imaging it).  It's really upset me, far more than it probably should (it irritates me that it still bothers me).

So I don't understand why anyone agrees to hang out with someone if they don't want to?  Is it the obligation? This person could have said they were busy and were unavailable.  It wouldn't have been a big deal.  I get hanging out when in a forced situation (work, family functions, etc.), but when you have an option to say no, why do so many people say yes, when it's clear they wished they could have said no?

I assume you did the initial connecting - asking them to join you.    People say Yes for a variety of reasons - maybe they were apprehensive but decided to take a chance and said Yes.   We're all told we shouldn't pass up opportunities... and sometimes you have to actually accept the opportunity to figure out if it's good/bad/other you can't tell from a distant. 

Perhaps your dinner companion thought they might enjoy your company - but maybe you reminded them of some of their own 'percieved' failures?    Maybe they precieved that YOU are or have something they wish they had (maybe you are thinner, more successful, have better hair?, are happier?) than they are?    Maybe you reminded them of what they could have had but didn't get/go for?

The flip side might have been -that you haven't changed much - you are still the 'wonderful' 'cool' 'happy' person you were 20 years ago - and your companion was hit the realization that MAYBE they haven't changed (maybe they don't particularly like themselves) ? 

 I don't doubt their need to be anywhere else was about YOU... it was about them. 
 

I want to save the last paragraph of this post.   I did the initial connecting (as I was the one traveling to the city where this person lived).   I guess, this particular guy seems to have everything on the surface.  Is very attractive (too pretty for my taste, but I think most women would find him attractive), great job, and he seems to have a great life.  Although, I did think he was really materialistic.  I just can't imagine that I have anything that they wish they had.  Unless he is transgendered and is jealous that I'm a woman!

[souldoubt]

As others said the way it played out could be due to a variety of things.  Maybe he felt obligated to meet because you hadn't seen each other in 20 years.  People do things every day in life that they think are doing to be "nice" even if they aren't actually being nice.  Consider it a small price to pay - you picked up the tab and invested some time to find out that's not someone you ever need to waste time or money on again.   

[Chocolate Lover]

Maybe his social skills have just gone to crap. If he doesn't get out much and doesn't have to interact with people a lot at work, they could be awful by now. 

I tend to have Sheldon Cooper social skills. I'll talk and all that but there are days way better at it. The encounter will be over and I'll suddenly realized I answered all the questions they asked about me but never asked about them in return. How rude! Or I'm having an "I don't want to make eye contact or interact with anyone" day and I imagine some people read that differently than I mean it. 

OR he's an ass and you're better off not bothering with him anymore. I personally pick B. 

[emma1420]

May 7, 2015 11:49:22 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Maybe his social skills have just gone to crap. If he doesn't get out much and doesn't have to interact with people a lot at work, they could be awful by now. 

I tend to have Sheldon Cooper social skills. I'll talk and all that but there are days way better at it. The encounter will be over and I'll suddenly realized I answered all the questions they asked about me but never asked about them in return. How rude! Or I'm having an "I don't want to make eye contact or interact with anyone" day and I imagine some people read that differently than I mean it. 

OR he's an ass and you're better off not bothering with him anymore. I personally pick B. 

It's definitely "B".  I think he's a decent guy, I think for some reason he just felt compelled to meet me when he didn't want to. 

Sheldon Cooper type social skills I can work with, because I know that is the issue.  

[Chocolate Lover]

Well, then, no more time wasted.

And are you telling me I don't hide it well?!   

[zibazinski]

That's too bad. Did he perhaps think you were looking for more than a meeting? But, what an ass. You dodged a bullet.

[cktc]

May 7, 2015 11:39:32 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

this particular guy seems to have everything on the surface. Is very attractive (too pretty for my taste, but I think most women would find him attractive), great job, and he seems to have a great life. Although, I did think he was really materialistic. 

And there you have it. He was likely expecting you to validate how awesome he is and you failed to be
impressed. I've found materialistic/narcissistic people just can't handle those who aren't positively smitten with their success. 

[Tiny]

May 7, 2015 10:59:15 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

May 7, 2015 10:49:19 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I agree with Rockit.....it may not be about you, but more the circumstances that they're in at the time.

I know that I have planned things and then wished that I hadn't the day of, only because there was a lot of stuff I needed to deal with that day.  But the idea of canceling at the last minute just seems rude.

What I'd do is follow up with this person.  You should be able to get an idea as to how your call is received if it's about you, or circumstance.

This person doesn't have kids.  But, I did send a text message thanking this person for hanging out with me, and I didn't get a response.

I also paid for dinner and never got a thank you.   I'm over it, other than the fact that I feel like this person wasted my time now.

OK, I went back and re-read the thread...  Did you guys have a "long distance relationship" of the 'we're friends' variety?  You know where you would FB or text or email or call each other more often then not?  It doesn't have to have been in a "I want to jump your bones" kinda way.    I was assuming you called someone you hadn't talked to or seen in over 20 years out of the blue and set up a lunch date...    

I'm not sure how this person 'wasted your time' if you were an out of the blue caller - you spent some casual time together and have discovered that you won't be reconnecting with this person after all.    That's not a waste -- that's an 'experience'.
A waste would be if this person led you on (inadvertantely or other wise) into believing that they were something more or that something more was going on than was.     What you have done if you hadn't gone to this meeting? Hang out at the hotel? Eat alone? Look at Pictures of Cats on the Internet <-- that's suppose to be humorous!!!

[zibazinski]

Better to post with us is my vote! Shoot, he even got a free meal out of her. What a crock! 

[Shooby]

Well, you thought it would be fun to revisit someone from your past. And, it wasn't as fun as you expected. Oh well. Just shake it off. Nothing wrong with trying to catch up with people but don't let that bother you or prevent you from doing so with other old friends.

[fatbear]

May 7, 2015 11:55:03 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

May 7, 2015 11:49:22 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Maybe his social skills have just gone to crap. If he doesn't get out much and doesn't have to interact with people a lot at work, they could be awful by now. 

I tend to have Sheldon Cooper social skills. I'll talk and all that but there are days way better at it. The encounter will be over and I'll suddenly realized I answered all the questions they asked about me but never asked about them in return. How rude! Or I'm having an "I don't want to make eye contact or interact with anyone" day and I imagine some people read that differently than I mean it. 

OR he's an ass and you're better off not bothering with him anymore. I personally pick B. 

It's definitely "B".  I think he's a decent guy, I think for some reason he just felt compelled to meet me when he didn't want to. 

Sheldon Cooper type social skills I can work with, because I know that is the issue.  

He might have wanted to meet with you, but the experience didn't pan out for him since both of you likely changed in those 20 years. It's like being excited to go on a date and then when you are actually there counting down the time for it to be over.  You don't go in with that intention, but it's what it ends up as.

You're also likely misreading him.  You haven't seen him for 20 years.  You might have been able to read him correctly back then, but there's no guarantee that you can now.  It could be even worse depending what type of "cloaking" he's developed over the years as well.  Some people don't like being able to be read.

[Deleted]

[Wisconsin Beth]

Well that's creepy! 

[emma1420]

May 7, 2015 12:12:28 GMT -5 Tiny said:

May 7, 2015 10:59:15 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

This person doesn't have kids.  But, I did send a text message thanking this person for hanging out with me, and I didn't get a response.

I also paid for dinner and never got a thank you.   I'm over it, other than the fact that I feel like this person wasted my time now.

OK, I went back and re-read the thread...  Did you guys have a "long distance relationship" of the 'we're friends' variety?  You know where you would FB or text or email or call each other more often then not?  It doesn't have to have been in a "I want to jump your bones" kinda way.    I was assuming you called someone you hadn't talked to or seen in over 20 years out of the blue and set up a lunch date...    

I'm not sure how this person 'wasted your time' if you were an out of the blue caller - you spent some casual time together and have discovered that you won't be reconnecting with this person after all.    That's not a waste -- that's an 'experience'.
A waste would be if this person led you on (inadvertantely or other wise) into believing that they were something more or that something more was going on than was.     What you have done if you hadn't gone to this meeting? Hang out at the hotel? Eat alone? Look at Pictures of Cats on the Internet <-- that's suppose to be humorous!!!

That's a good point.   We've been FB friends with the odd IM or email.  So we've hardly been close. And, I think in the end, it's probably a situation that I've taken harder than I should have.  I haven't had a lot of self-confidence in the past (outside of work), and so for me to reach out to old friends has been a relatively new thing. So having the feeling that someone feels obligated kind of feeds into some of my worst fears.  I think this is a situation of him being kind of a jerk about a few things, and me being overly sensitive.  

I chose to have dinner with him because I wanted to catch up, and I missed out on having dinner with some other friends.   That's the real reason I feel like he wasted my time (and you are right I didn't realiy, it was just not a so fantastic experience).   Because I missed out on doing something else I know in retrospect would have been the better choice.  Live and learn!

[happyhoix]

Could have been he had some physical symptoms.  Maybe he sat there the whole evening, stomach cramping, wishing he could go home and take some antacid and gingerale and lie down.

Could be he walked into the restaurant and saw an X sitting on the far side of the room, and she glared at him the whole time, but he didn't want to be rude and run off and leave you there.

I would just forget about it. If he's not an ass he'll say something to you on facebook. If he is an ass, well, good riddance.

[garion2003]

Just curious - what were the clues?

[Tiny]

May 7, 2015 13:27:04 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

May 7, 2015 12:12:28 GMT -5 Tiny said:

OK, I went back and re-read the thread...  Did you guys have a "long distance relationship" of the 'we're friends' variety?  You know where you would FB or text or email or call each other more often then not?  It doesn't have to have been in a "I want to jump your bones" kinda way.    I was assuming you called someone you hadn't talked to or seen in over 20 years out of the blue and set up a lunch date...    

I'm not sure how this person 'wasted your time' if you were an out of the blue caller - you spent some casual time together and have discovered that you won't be reconnecting with this person after all.    That's not a waste -- that's an 'experience'.
A waste would be if this person led you on (inadvertantely or other wise) into believing that they were something more or that something more was going on than was.     What you have done if you hadn't gone to this meeting? Hang out at the hotel? Eat alone? Look at Pictures of Cats on the Internet <-- that's suppose to be humorous!!!

That's a good point.   We've been FB friends with the odd IM or email.  So we've hardly been close. And, I think in the end, it's probably a situation that I've taken harder than I should have.  I haven't had a lot of self-confidence in the past (outside of work), and so for me to reach out to old friends has been a relatively new thing. So having the feeling that someone feels obligated kind of feeds into some of my worst fears.  I think this is a situation of him being kind of a jerk about a few things, and me being overly sensitive.  

I chose to have dinner with him because I wanted to catch up, and I missed out on having dinner with some other friends.   That's the real reason I feel like he wasted my time (and you are right I didn't realiy, it was just not a so fantastic experience).   Because I missed out on doing something else I know in retrospect would have been the better choice.  Live and learn!

Well, the lesson here (for me atleast) would be that I went on an Adventure  (versus the "Sure Thing" get together with firends) and maybe it didn't go as well as I had hoped but I'd maybe consider doing something like it again but I'd maybe try to figure out a way to mitigate some of the 'risk' in case the new adventure went poorly - so maybe something shorter with the option to go longer (meet for coffee, but with a lunch/dinner to follow option).    I've learned to view things with a bit of 'risk' or doing something 'new or out of the ordinary' as an Adventure.  I also have a deal with myself that there is no fail/win with Adventures. They are what they are and nothing more.   It's the experience and not a contest or a test.       I do some "rehash" of the what went well/what didn't work/how could it have worked better, in order to keep myself from doing the same behaviors over and over (and hoping for a different outcome).  There's no actual "failed" or "succeeded" judgement attached. I don't have alot of self confidence doing stuff either - but I got tired of always hanging out on the side lines because I was afraid I'd fail or look stupid or make a fool of myself.    Categorizing something as an Adventure helped get me off the sidelines and doing stuff - stuff that sometimes spectacularly goes bad... but that I can laugh about. It was an ADVENTURE! something was suppose to happen good or bad.